Title: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Rating: R--for violence, language, and sexuality Author: Rocky Disclaimer: Characters and show are owned by JW and ME. Summary: Buffy goes bad after an encounter with a demon and its up to the scoobs to make her better. Faith returns to Sunnydale. Dedications: To the Girl From My Class who's idea to do Bad Buffy I pretty much stole and made my own(everything else is from my brain)...AND most of all, to my darling Gina Lola Lesbia who inspires and energizes me like no other. Thanks dollface. Feedback: YES PLEASE! Notes: I put slashes in between the dual column dialogue of Willow and Spike to make clear who's saying what. ACT ONE FADE IN INT. SUMMERS HOUSE - NIGHT The door busts open and SPIKE walks in with an unconscious Buffy in his arms. Willow rushes in behind him jangling some keys. WILLOW Did you have to kick the door in? I have keys. See? Willow displays the keys to Spike as DAWN and GILES rush down the stairs. SPIKE Buffy's hurt beyond comprehension and you're worried about the bloody door? WILLOW It's Buffy's door! She's not going to be happy to see this! SPIKE She could very well be dying in my arms as we speak-- Dawn and Giles share a concerned look. SPIKE --And you're ranting and raving about a stupid piece of wood. That is unbelievable. Dying is what she is right now. DAWN So maybe we should help her. Willow and Spike turn to Dawn. They look at Buffy, then each other, then back to Dawn. SPIKE Good idea. WILLOW Absolutely. You see Dawny, you're not useless. Dawn scowls as Spike carries Buffy into the living room and Willow follows. Giles removes his glasses and rubs his eyes. CUT TO: INT. THE BRONZE - NIGHT Teenagers dance to the blasting music. XANDER and ANYA stand at the bar. ANYA Xander, I want to dance. XANDER We will sweetheart--just let me get a drink first. ANYA Oh for the sake of all that is logical and horny, if you dance with me, you'll work up a sweat and get tired and thirsty and then have a GOOD reason to drink. You know I'm right. XANDER Of course you are. Anya smiles triumphantly. XANDER But I'm still getting the drink. Face it An, you can't push me around anymore. I'm a manly man. In fact, I'm the manliest of manly men. Deal with it. ANYA Fine! I'll dance with someone else...a girl. Anya scans the dancefloor and spots someone. ANYA (pointing) Her. Xander turns to look and his eyes bug out. We see Faith tearing up the place. Xander's afraid. XANDER Oh dear lord...um...um...uh...we have to call Buffy! ANYA Oh, let her have her own fun. CUT TO: INT. SUMMERS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Buffy whimpers laid out on the couch, but remains unconscious. Dawn strokes her hair compassionately. Giles stands off to the side rubbing his eyes. DAWN We have to do something. GILES And we will once I get Willow's full cooperation. DAWN Where is she? GILES On the phone upstairs. Would you like me to go to her? DAWN No that's all right. (screaming) WILLOW! Willow almost trips down the stairs. She enters the room. DAWN There's Willow. (shouting) Now do something! GILES Right. (to Willow) What have you got? WILLOW I called Kennedy. Spike walks in. SPIKE (sarcastically) Well that should make everything better. WILLOW Are you implying something? DAWN (unconvincingly) No he's not Willow. We all love Kennedy. She's wonderfulness personified. WILLOW Why do you not like her? SPIKE Word is the humans made a list. WILLOW She's nice to me. SPIKE Naturally. You're probably the only lass that's put out for the bint. WILLOW God I want you to die so much. SPIKE You're not alone. WILLOW /// SPIKE You know, you're going to be /// You're too braindead, blowin' in the wind one of /// blinded by lust, to realize these days you bleached, /// how much of an unlikable anorexic, freaky, /// twit she is and it just immasculated Angel rip-off. /// makes you look like a /// redheaded moron. GILES (booming) SHUT UP! Both of you just settle down so we can get to the bottom of this...by working together. The way it is supposed to be done--and with Buffy as the victim... Willow and Spike look properly chastised. Dawn YELPS as Buffy goes into a seizure on the couch. Everyone runs over to restrain and settle her down. The seizure finally stops. GILES Willow, can you describe the demon? WILLOW Um, it was big and blood red and...ugly...and-- (thinking) --Oh, it had these gigantic claws shoot from its hand and that's what he used to get her. GILES All right. You and I will research. Spike, you go out and see if you can find anything. We'll take Buffy up to her room to make her more comfortable. And all this will be executed with expediency. Everyone nods in agreement. Spike heads for the door, but Willow's voice stops him. WILLOW Oh, Spike, if you run into Kennedy, tell her "Hi" from me and feel free to impale your chest on her stake. That's all. Spike glares for a moment before leaving. Willow turns to find two pairs of eyes disapproving of her. Willow regretfully hides her face. CUT TO: EXT. THE BRONZE - NIGHT Xander and Anya argue outside. A street light illuminates the area. XANDER What are we gonna do? ANYA You could confront her and get it over with. Take care of business. XANDER Anya! She's a slayer and she's dangerous. She probably followed us here so she could kill me and make you her slave. ANYA (enthralled) Sex slave? XANDER NO! And don't sound so thrilled by the idea! This is serious. ANYA I thought you were-- (imitating Xander) --A manly man who's manliest of all. XANDER I am. But in the face of brutal death, I cower in fear and throw spiritual moral support to the superpeople from my hiding place. ANYA Tell me again why I sleep with you. FAITH (OS) That's a good question. Xander and Anya jump as Faith walks out of the shadows. FAITH Not that you were bad or anything, just virginal. XANDER That's right...strip me of my pride before killing me. Do you have no honor? FAITH I think it says a lot that I didn't get you with your back turned. ANYA So does that mean if we keep our backs to you, you won't kill us? (to Xander) This is so much easier than you make it out to be. FAITH I'm not gonna kill ya. I coulda gotten both of you without you even knowin' it, but here you are-- puttin' on one helluva wussy show. XANDER Hey! There's only one wuss here-- no, wait, there's no wusses. I'm not a wuss. FAITH You just act like one occasionally. XANDER That's right. No--that's wrong. FAITH Xan, I'm not gonna hurt either of you. I wanted to wait a couple days to do this...settle down first and figure out what I was gonna say to you, but I guess now's as a good a time as any. The street light goes out with a SHATTER as three FIGURES approach in the darkness. ANYA I guess that talk is on hold. CUT TO: INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR - LATER THAT NIGHT Shady and undecorative. Sitting on a throne is the gray, behemoth demon KALAMAR. He towers over all his MINIONS who surround him. A HIGHER MINION enters the lair. HIGHER MINION Your Royalness, I have news. KALAMAR Did the Padek do its job? HIGHER MINION Yes Lord. He stabbed the slayer before being killed. But, Lord, the slayer is now in the possession of her friends--what if they get her back to health before-- KALAMAR --You fool! The Padek doesn't infect someone with the clap. HIGHER MINION The what? KALAMAR (powerfully) QUIET! The slayer will be mine in no time. Very soon, she will join me in my quest to open the hellmouth, and then she will die. (to Higher Minion) Approach. The Higher Minion reluctantly does so. KALAMAR You've done well. But-- Kalamar grabs Higher Minion's throat and squeezes tight. KALAMAR --I will not tolerate incompetence or insubordination. Kalamar squeezes until Higher Minion's head explodes. Skin and goo splatters everywhere. KALAMAR (booming; to all) Take note: I will no longer accept being questioned by anyone! And stupidity has no place in my kingdom! Now someone bring me the slayer! CUT TO: INT. SUMMERS HOUSE, BUFFY'S BEDROOM - LATER On the bed, Buffy wakes up with a start. She seems a little confused before shaking it off. She checks her back, which has healed completely, then eyes the room. BUFFY Anybody home? Taking care of me? Dawn rushes in. DAWN You're awake! You okay? BUFFY I feel kinda weird. DAWN Weird...besides that, you're good? BUFFY Pretty much. Weird's not unusual with me anyway. DAWN We were so scared earlier. You were out cold and then doing stuff with your body and stuff, and shaking and seizuring and, I'd swear you almost puked, and-- BUFFY --That's all I need to hear right now. Thanks for being so good to me. So sweet. Dawn smiles. BUFFY I think I'll go to the bathroom. DAWN Need help? BUFFY Did I suffer memory loss? DAWN I don't think so. BUFFY Then I'm sure I remember how to do it. Dawn sheepishly nods. CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Giles scans through a big book and discovers something. GILES I think I have it. Willow runs over as Giles presents the book to her. GILES Is that the demon? WILLOW (looking it over) Oh yeah. That's the ugly bastard. He really isn't photogenic, huh? GILES No, I'd say he's not. But that's the least of our concerns. WILLOW Why? CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS The toilet flushes as Buffy washes her face and checks herself in the mirror. She appears normal enough until her eyes glow a dark green. Buffy doesn't make much of it and opens the door, but quickly returns to the mirror to look again. Eyes still glowing. She slaps her hand over them. BUFFY I did not just see that. DAWN (OS) It's kind of hard to see anything with your eyes covered. Buffy's startled but keeps her hand in place. BUFFY (harshly) God, can't you knock? One minute you're a wonderful sister that I want to be around, and the next you become the obnoxious little runt that I can't stand. DAWN (hurtfully) I'm sorry. Buffy drops her hand revealing her still-glowing eyes, causing Dawn to GASP. BUFFY You never learn. You don't get it. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry, blah blah blah apology-cakes. DAWN Buffy, your eyes are green. BUFFY And that's none of your business. Buffy's anger subsides as her whole body glows green. She begins to shake wildly and falls to her knees before: CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS A blood-curdling SCREAM comes from the bathroom as Giles and Willow rush up the stairs. They're knocked to the ground by Dawn who sails through the air from the bathroom and lands on them. A steely Buffy enters the hallway, darkness in her eyes as she surveys the damage. Dawn gets up allowing Giles and Willow to do the same. Buffy strides towards them. GILES (shakily) Buffy, the situation is much more serious than we originally believed. BUFFY Save it. Buffy grabs Giles by the shirt and flings him over her shoulder into the bedroom at the end of the hall. She addresses a frightened Willow. BUFFY Save yourself. WILLOW But...but...dying...Buffy... BUFFY Try some of that magic your supposedly good at to improve your hearing. Buffy slams Willow's head into the wall resulting in a sickening crunch. Buffy heads down the stairs and is about to exit through the doorway but gets stopped by Dawn. DAWN Buffy, where are you going? BUFFY I was thinking a place where I don't have to deal with a whining, useless, pain in the ass--so, I guess that means anywhere but here. DAWN But there's something incredibly wrong with you. BUFFY No... Buffy lifts Dawn into the air by her throat. BUFFY ...There's something so very RIGHT with me. And I'm gonna make the best of it. So, please shut up. Don't worry--I won't kill you. I love you Dawn--really. Buffy throws Dawn into the dining room. Dawn crashes down onto the table shattering the whole thing. Buffy dons a cruel smirk. END ACT ONE ACT TWO FADE IN EXT. MALL - LATER An ALARM rages from the building as two police cruisers pull up with lights and SIRENS blaring. Four COPS get out and approach with caution. The doors plop open as Buffy exits with a bag hanging from her shoulder. She's got a new look--leather: black and extremely tight. The Cops can't help but notice. COP 1 Hold it ma'am. BUFFY (miffed) Ma'am? Exactly what part of this gives you the impression of MA'AM? The Cops all glance at each other. COP 1 MISS, stay right there and put your hands up. BUFFY Or what? You'll shoot me? Beat me with your nightsticks? Blow my intestines by shoving donuts down my throat? COP 2 We will use force if necessary, so just surrender peacefully. Buffy rolls her eyes and puts her hands up. BUFFY (flatly) Okay, you got me. I give up. You can arrest me as long as you don't hurt me or shoot me because I'm scared--a scared, tiny girl that just wants to go home to mommy where it's safe. I'm sorry for being bad. So so sorry. I won't put up any sort of fight at all. The Cops believe her. 1 and 2 approach her. When they get within reach, Buffy sends a lightning-fast punch at 1 while spin-kicking 2. Cop 3 runs at her with a nightstick but Buffy kicks it away and knocks him out with a backhand. Cop 4 draws his gun but Buffy flings the nightstick at it knocking it away. She leaps into the air and kicks him square in the face, then bodyslams him onto the windshield of the car. Buffy reaches over her shoulder and pulls out an aluminum baseball bat. She taps it a few times, grinning psychotically the whole time. She looms over 1 and 2. BUFFY Sunnydale's finest losers. Buffy positions herself over 1 and holds the bat vertically, the top of the head aimed at his back. BUFFY No more soccer for you. Buffy lifts the bat up, and drives it down. CUT TO: EXT. THE BRONZE - NIGHT Anya SCREAMS as a SCRUFFY VAMP gets a hold of her. Xander takes on a HEAVY VAMP and is losing. Faith fights with a MUSCLED VAMP and beats him to a pulp. Faith sweeps him to the ground and hops downward with a stake, dusting him. She pops right back up and does a backflip onto the Scruffy Vamp who evades it slightly and gets a punch in at Faith's face. She staggers for a moment giving the Scruffy Vamp time to attack, but high-kicks his head sending him flying into the air. Before he lands, Faith stakes him in mid-air, turning him to dust. Faith searches and finds Xander get in a shot at the Heavy Vamp before the vampire gets the upper hand and backs Xander up against the wall. He leans to bite, but explodes to dust before he can. A stake hits the ground. Faith rushes over to check out a beat up, out-of-breath Xander. FAITH You okay? XANDER Well there's pain everywhere and I'm struggling to breathe as well as feeling more anxiety after almost dying--again. But at least my teeth are okay. FAITH As long as they're not fangy. Xander chuckles for a second before sliding back against the wall. Anya smothers Faith with a hug. FAITH I guess you're good. ANYA Of course I am. You saved me! (in awe) In one of the more impressive displays of slaying I've ever seen. You were incredible and fearless and strong and dynamic and agile and cunning. Anya feels Faith's biceps in a way that makes the slayer nervous. ANYA This is quite a body you have on you. I've received rave reviews on my own physique--just ask Xander. He is an expert, what with all those porn mags. XANDER Anya! Don't embarrass the woman-- or me. Especially me. Faith pulls herself away from Anya. FAITH (to Xander) You still afraid of me? XANDER I tend to appreciate those who save my life. ANYA What about Angel? And Spike. And-- Xander shuts Anya up with his hand over her mouth. XANDER You still wanna have that talk? FAITH Want...Need. Either way--yeah. XANDER Then I know just the place. Come on. Xander releases Anya and starts walking. Faith and Anya follow, Anya getting up-close and personal with Faith. XANDER Oh man, I think I chipped a tooth. Damn vampires have to be anti- dental hygiene! ANYA (to Faith) Just so you know, I have no problem with sexual enslavement. Off Faith and Xander's dumbfounded looks: CUT TO: EXT. CHURCH - NIGHT A pew SMASHES through a window landing on the street. LOUD CRASHES and overall DESTRUCTION emanate from inside. Moments later, the NOISE stops and Buffy walks out holding a bottle of holy water. She drinks from it then throws it away. BUFFY That's good stuff. I'd prefer the wine though. A LOWER MINION jitters his way up the sidewalk towards Buffy. She spots him and pulls out a large wooden paddle. BUFFY Freeze or face a spanking. LOWER MINION Excuse me, Lady Slayer, but Lord Kalamar requests your presence. BUFFY And your point is... LOWER MINION That he demands to see you in order to make you an exceptionally irrefusable offer. BUFFY Nothing is irrefusable. All I have to say is "I refuse" and it's refused. So tell this Calamari guy-- LOWER MINION --Kalamar. BUFFY Whatever. Tell him I REFUSE his offer and that he can have a nice day, wherever he is. LOWER MINION But he has chosen you as his partner in world domination. BUFFY (intrigued) World domination? Really? CUT TO: EXT. REVELLO DRIVE - EARLY MORNING Faith, Xander, and Anya turn the corner onto the street. Faith notices where they are and freaks out--namely at Xander. FAITH Did you lose your common sense back at the club? XANDER No--just part of my tooth. FAITH I can't see her yet. I can't. I'm not ready for this. You can't just spring somethin' like this on me! XANDER Calm down. I thought your mantra was "as good a time as any". FAITH When I don't take a beatin' for it. XANDER Look, saying "I'm sorry" is simple. You go in there, face everyone, say it, and then deal with the consequences. FAITH Easy for you to say. How would you feel if you said "I'm sorry" to me and I kicked your ass for it? XANDER Most definitely NOT GOOD. FAITH Yeah. Now imagine that situation, only with me apologizing to Buffy. I'd feel... XANDER You wouldn't FEEL--you'd be dead. FAITH That's right! ANYA What is with all the fear? It's ridiculous! Xander is afraid of Faith; Faith is afraid of Buffy; Buffy is afraid of intimacy with a human; Willow is afraid of intimacy with a man; and Giles very well might be afraid of Americans. (to Faith) You are a slayer! And you could certainly defeat Buffy any time if you really wanted to. You're bigger, probably stronger and more athletic, and you certainly are much much much sexier! So stop whining and be a woman! You're supposed to represent female empowerment--so represent! FAITH I'm really startin' to like you. Before you just freaked me out. Anya lights up. FAITH But be careful--with me, it's a fine line between like and freaked. XANDER (to Faith) Are you gonna do this? Buffy's changed. She might surprise you. CUT TO: INT. SUMMERS HOUSE - MINUTES LATER The trio enters the house and finds the mess. Xander mourns the door. KENNEDY appears at the top of the stairs and makes her way down. KENNEDY Thank God! I can't handle this on my own. XANDER What happened? FAITH Where's Buffy? KENNEDY Buffy IS what happened as far as I can tell. Can somebody go check on Dawn? She's unconscious in the dining room. Anya takes the initiative and does it. FAITH Buffy did this? (to Xander) You weren't kiddin'! KENNEDY Apparently Buffy got clawed by a demon and got sick. I've only been here like 15 minutes, so there's no way of telling when this happened. I found Dawn in a pile in the dining room and Giles and Willow upstairs hurt really bad. (to Faith) Who are you? XANDER This is Faith--the slayer of record. KENNEDY Oh, you have to die for me to get the job. Is that gonna happen any time soon? ANYA (OS) (shouting) If she's anything like you, the whole town'll be gunning for her. FAITH Look, you can't be sure Buffy did this. There's tons of assholes who coulda known about her bein' sick and they decided to take advantage of that. GILES (OS) Your optimism is unfortunately misguided. Everyone turns to find Giles coming down--slowly. GILES Buffy did this as a result of poison in the claws of a Padek. It's changed her personality. XANDER (flatly) No duh. GILES We have to find her before it's too late. FAITH Or she'll stay like that forever? Just 'cause your bad, doesn't make you evil. GILES It goes beyond that I'm afraid. A weary Faith and Xander glance at each other. CUT TO: INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR - DAY Buffy and the Lower Minion enter through the door. Kalamar is delighted to see them. KALAMAR Ah, slayer--it is an honor and a pleasure. BUFFY I'd say the same to you, but I don't know who the hell you are...so, I'll just say it really is an honor and a pleasure to be me. KALAMAR I see the Padek's poison has worked its wonders. BUFFY You sicked that ugly thing on me? Now that wasn't very nice. KALAMAR My apologies. But recruiting you would be unsuccessful if you were to keep playing hero. BUFFY That's true. Buffy surveys the lair and gets closer to Kalamar--much closer. BUFFY So this is your less-than humble abode...needs work. Maybe some color; I could say the same for you. KALAMAR Your wishes will be accommodated. BUFFY That's good. These minions will come in handy. Maybe--they are minions for a reason. Just so I have this right, you want to take over the world. KALAMAR (proudly) That is correct. I have built up my power over centuries of death and destruction throughout the planet, and now that I have you on the side of darkness, together we will rule over a kingdom of hell! BUFFY That sounds just peachy. And this would entail opening the hellmouth? KALAMAR Of course. A demonic army headed by myself and the slayer would be unstoppable. Buffy laughs. BUFFY My, you are a dastardly, truly evil son of a demon-bitch. KALAMAR Thank you. Mother would be proud. BUFFY You want to exterminate mankind and overrun the world with demons...screams "EVIL"! You must be heartless. Buffy presses her hand to Kalamar's chest. KALAMAR I do have one--and it's as black as your outfit. BUFFY Somehow I find that hard to believe. Let's see. Buffy fires her hand into Kalamar's chest and rips out a black-as-night heart. Kalamar's eyes widen in deathly shock. Buffy's surprised by what she sees. BUFFY Well how about that? You were right. Oops. Buffy tosses the heart as Kalamar falls to the ground dead. The minions all stare in horrified wonder. BUFFY (to the minions) I admit it--I have trust issues. Oh well. Buffy hops up onto the vacant throne and gets comfortable. CUT TO: INT. SUMMERS HOUSE - DAY Anya attends to Dawn on the couch. Giles rubs his eyes furiously as Faith throws a fit. FAITH (shouting) You gotta be kiddin' me! GILES Does it look like I'm trying to be funny? FAITH You never look like you're tryin' to be funny--even when you are! GILES Well in this most dire of circumstances, I assure you I'm not. Xander walks into the living room. XANDER That was Spike...he couldn't get back here before the sun came up so he holed up in a bar. GILES Did he find anything? XANDER There's rumors of a demon coming to town trying to open the hellmouth. Really old with groupies. FAITH Keith Richards? XANDER Nope. But maybe Keith has an antidote. FAITH What do we gotta find? GILES Perla Magna. According to the text-- Giles picks up and reads from the book. GILES --It's blood is the key ingredient in reversing the effects of the Padek poison. They are rare but some can be found in Sunnydale. FAITH So we just go out and find 'em! I'll track 'em down myself! GILES But it's useless without Buffy. And whatever is trying to open the hellmouth probably knows that as well. The fact is Buffy is extraordinarily dangerous to the entire town and she will not allow herself to be caught. (dramatically) 48 hours from inception is all the poison needs to kill the victim-- which means we have 36 hours to find two creatures who don't want to be found. A deafening silence fills the room. END ACT TWO