| April 21, 2002 I wish that there was a way to get out of the things that have become my life. I live a life that is dependent of others, my happiness is what I can't achieve alone. I don't have a family. I have a mother, a step-father, a younger brother and sister, but I don't. I have no support from them in my life what so ever. It is all for their own benifit, everything that I do reflects on who they are. If a succeed in what I do they are happy, if I mess up then they are ashamed. Recently I have messed up big time and they are forever a shame of me. They shunned from the family and never again to re-enter. My best friend, now former, has shown me the true powers of love when she turned her back on me and now the one that I love with every ounce of what I am feels distant. To put it simply, I am but a single soul trying to find my way in a world of strangers, looking for love and searching for the light. |
| Random Thoughts |
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| April 23 I don't know what it is about me. Maybe I am messed up in the head or something, but I do know that I can't wait till I get married. I go through school and life hearing people my age talk about how they can't wait until they go to college so they can drink, have sex , and party all night long; when I don't really care about that. Don't get me wrong, the whole idea of being able to do things that as a dependent teenager you didn't get to do is really tempting, however I don't want them as much as I want someone to come home to at night, or someone to wake up to. I think that this sudden coming of need is from the lack that I get at home, or in any other area. I have always taken second or a lower seat when it came to attention. Even when it came to my relationships, save one, at least I think. I just want some day to find someone who I can come home to and hold in my arms, to fall asleep with and know that they love me for everything about me and that I come first in their life and they will know that the come first in mine as well. I need desperatly now a way to see in the darkness. I know that about the rest in life, love is what I desire the most. I wish the same upone everyone else as well. And in a scary sort of way I hope that what I have found here lately is what it would be like, because it is my only refuge from the dark entanglement of my life. |
| May 1st I think that today I have realized how much that this town has shaped me and taught me a lot about not only myself but as to what the world may be like. I have also come to realize that I am truly in love with someone. The sad part about all of this, is that when I finally realized how much I do love her, I am moving to a different town. Not to mention that I am graduating. I think that it is sad that I have found someone that I love with all of what I am and now I am leaving, I think that is okay though because I don't know how she feels about me. I want her to say that she can't live without me and that she wants to spend all her time with me , but I know that won't happen. |
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| May 17 I don't know where I am going... it is so weird... I know things that I want, things that I love, but not all of them are for me. Sometimes I lay down and think about all of the things in my life: decisions, people that I have met, friends, lovers, all of the things that I can worry about they come to mind and I ususally lay there and feel pity for myself. I often wonder about this web site as welll... I wonder if anyone is really reading this and if so then do they like it or not... why don't they e mail me and tell me what they think... just a bunch of usless things. The main thing in my life that I want/need right now is someone. Someone to hold, to love , someone who will love me too... (duh). But I am prone to think that I am bound by some unseen force to never have what I want. If I want someone then they don't want me, If I don't want someone then they want me. And then when I do get what I want then it always messes up. I hate myself for not trying to keep ahold of it, for not fighting for it a little more, and then I think; why the heck were they with me in the first place, I am not worth that .... So many complexes so little me.... |
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| Sept. 17 Sometimes I just like to sit down and doodle and sometimes I just like to sit down and draw. I don't think that I am that good of an artist and I know that there are more people out there who can draw a hell of a lot better than I can, but I guess that I will just take what I am given and deal with it accordingly. |
| December 6th Wow it has been a while since I have wrote in this.... but you know I am in college now and I don't really have time to do much. I don't really have that much of a life. lol. I know that is what a lot of people online say a lot and maybe it is true... but I don't know right now I am studying, well I am taking a break from studying and don't really want to go back to it. I am also listening to music... what am I listening to you may ask your self... well you might not but hey who is the one typing here... ME... I am listening to some variety of music...Simple Plan, Good Charolette, Eminen, Rascal Flatts... yeah it is all good. Anywas.. I dont' know really what I was going to write but hey at least I wrote something... I don't really want to put what I am really thinking on this. Later. |
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| That's one picture of me.... and there should be some more coming... |