My alarm wakes me at 6:30. My fuzzy mind tries to remember why i am being dragged mercilessly from unconsciousness so early on a SATURDAY! Then it dawns on me. I am to attend my towns Autumn Harvest Festival! - oh ALLAH save me from these maniacs!!
My lift appears bright and cheerful at seven ON THE DOT. He bids me a good morning (i think?) and i mumble semi-threatening obscenities in his direction while smiling sweetly
We arrive at the local hall (shed) and a paper cup of vicious sake (rice wine) is thrust into my hand (Things are looking up) and i am ushered inside and sat down in a cold plastic chair in front of a mirror
A gaggle of middle-aged ladies are clucking about and scratching in the dust. One of them attacks me with makeup and paint and throws strange clothes over my body. Slowly my puny white persona is transformed into a Fearless Samurai complete with armour (cardboard), a helmet (standard Asian motorbike helmet with plastic deer antlers attached) and white socks with a gap between BIG TOE and toe number two for the wearing of thongs (a great idea - why these socks haven't caught on in Oz and N.Z. is a mystery). More sake and the beer arrives (gulp!)
I am one of a group of seven victims who are being dressed in period costume: three samurai, two crazy goblins whose sole purpose seems to be to scare the living shit out of children, two blokes dressed up as Geisha (they are funny like that around here), and a little girl dressed as a princess. She is actually soooo cute that you could just about put her on a key ring or something. The princess is placed in one of the floats and carried round like a little doll.
We join the massing legions in a nearby park and set off in a strange noisy procession carrying some weird float-type thingies. There are heaps and heaps of kids all dressed in their special festival uniforms (uniforms are big here). Round and round the streets we go banging drums and chanting something about rape and pillage (i think?)
Word gets around that i play trumpet in the school band - so i am given a cardboard aberration
to blow on. It, thankfully, falls apart after a few minutes but - not to fear - a kind of brass bugle appears from somewhere and is thrust upon me. Toot toot toot
This festival actually appears to be some bizarre way of bullying and intimidating the local residents into giving us money (for more sake - no doubt!) The denizens come dutifully trotting out of their houses to deposit small envelopes of the good stuff into one of the float thingies. Toot toot bang bang blah blah blah - off we go again
This goes on for about three hours - beers are placed in my hand about every 30 minutes. The goblins are consuming sake at an alarming rate and the little princess has got the shits about something
Finally, we arrive back at the hall only to find that in our absence a full sound system and stage have been erected. There are food and drink stalls and people all milling about - most of them are pissed. Slaps on the back for a job well down from my fellow revelers. They're a nice bunch really.
I change out of my warrior clobber and wash the makeup off my face (the bastards even put shoe polish (i think) in my ginger beard in order to turn it black!! I take a seat down the front in order to get a better look at the show.
It seems that they have been preparing for quite some time for this show. One after another these little acts trotted out to do their stuff. Amongst the most memorable were:
* An act involving a troop of blokes dressed as "tanuki" (a type of raccoon dog that inhabit these parts) and a woman dressed as a female fox. All the tanuki had HUGE testicles made from balloons. This made it difficult for them to walk and chase the fox around the stage but they gave it a good go anyway.
* the worst magician in the world. An old fellow wearing a beret and twitching his lips and smiling cheekily like he was the best magician in the world. All his acts were the type you get mail order and only about half of them worked. He was SOOOOOOOOOO serious it was hilarious.
*a skit involving guys dressed in ladies swimsuits and appropriate balloons.
*several skits involving children so petrified (probably still suffering from post-goblin shock syndrome) that all they could do was stand and grin foolishly
*some atrocious karaoke
This went on for hours and after a while the beer and sake began to take its toll. I knew it was all going horribly wrong when i found myself on stage with a didj (aboriginal musical instrument) in my hand. The unbelieving audience looked at me and i looked at them. We were all pretty amazed. Anyway, i played and they all clapped. Well, nobody threw anything at me (Japanese people are very polite)
after this mild trauma i began to tire somewhat. It was fun but it was bloody hard work. I began to look forward to my bed. My brain felt like a dried apricot from all the poisons i had embalmed since sunrise. My feet hurt from the Samurai miles that i had walked and my lips were numb from didj and bugle.
The party began to wind down around eight. The mayor made a speech and EVERYONE began to pack up. The Japanese really know how to pitch in to get the job done. After all was packed away i thought - Ok, now my ride will take me home - wrong. Out came more cases of beer and more four-litre bottles of sake - Oh merciful Buddha, they are trying to kill me!!
Finally, my ride (who happens to be my boss) made arm motions to the effect that we were going. Praise Sweet Jesus. I crawled into his van and slumped down into the seat. A high-pitched recording of Japanese squeaky female advised me that my seatbelt was not fastened. I told her to fuck off
We were off...... but .........oh no........this is not the way to my house!!! We were going to his house!!!!!!!!! why why
why why
why why
Not able to ask in Japanese i said nothing
His wife had prepared a beautiful meal but first i was shown into the bathroom and ordered to bathe. AHHHH bliss. Hot, hot bath. It was soo good his 12 year old son came in to watch the proceedings. It was a great meal too but i was soo drunk i was doing my best not to fall off the chair.
My boss motioned that after the meal he would take me home. YES!!!!!!!!
No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Through the front door come an evil horde of die-hard homeboys from the festival. They have more beer and sake and....oh, no................bottles of WHISKEY!!
They force me to drink
I lapse into gibbering. I begin to dribble from the mouth. I AM a maggot.
I loose consciousness around 11:30 PM
help!