The Need For Pain

She sat there alone, no one around. The pain inside her unbearable. She reached into her bag and took out a pin. The silver so shiny, barely used. She placed it by her cold pale skin; not knowing what harm was coming next. As it slightly pierced her fragile skin she though of all the things she'd be losing. She thought of the years, all the pain she went through, the hard words she had to consume. The names, the names she was called hard, heart breaking words. Then she thought of the little things, the sweet smiles, and the slight touches. Her hand shaking as she thought of going deeper. Tears storming down her as the blood dripped down her arm, so cold, so red. She starred at the wall in front of her, her bed, the life she would be losing. She grabbed onto her arm tight, hard, not letting go. She wouldn't go through this no more. Her weak body could barely move. The abuse, the rape, the punishment, for what? She looked down to her stomach, spots of blood on her white torn shirt. She sat down by the toilet, she felt sick, and all that was going on made her horribly sick. She tided a bunch of bandages around her arm. You could see the fresh blood seep into the bandages. Barely able to stick them on her body trembling with pain. As she approached the front door she could hear him call out her name, she had to leave before he saw what she had done. Unlocking the doors becoming longer, every click seemed forever. Her hands not fast enough as he approached her with great force; he grabbed her bandaged arm, the pain become uncontrollable as she screamed for help. He grabbed her by her neck took her upstairs and did what he pleased with her and left. She lay there exposed of her clothes, shivering as the pain become harder to deal with. She felt so dirty, so betrayed. She did this to herself. Made the pain grow larger.

She walked not knowing where to go, not turning back just proceeding as her steps became faster. She wouldn't return. It was truly dark out that night, absolutely no one around. The urge for pain crept around her body like an addiction. The curb she sat on, cold cement. She held onto her legs by her chest as if they meant everything to her. Her sobs loud and clear. Her makeup spread black lines around her swollen puffy eyes. She could hear laughter approach but she took no notice. It becomes quieter as they approached her. Some whispers and she could make out someone saying leave her alone guys but walk away.

She stayed there all night on that curb by herself. She had a shirt on torn, bloody, and thin. She was half asleep as she felt a rough slight shake on her arm. She turned her head to the side. Her sight blurry, her eyes watery. “Aren’t you cold? Here take this.” He placed a black jacket around her half frozen body. The warmth of the jacket surrounded her made her feel safe. Unable to speak she just starred at him. He’s lips pink with piercing surrounded the lower lip. As he tried to sit near her she flinched from his presence, moving away slightly, edging away from the chilling fear gripping her stomach. She felt her pulse quicken, the adrenaline rushing through her scarred, emotional body. Her whole world in turmoil made steady worse by the feeling of someone so close to her so quickly after the nights bitter encounters.

“I won’t hurt you.” He tired coming closer, she hesitated and jumps up. Remembering the jacket was placed on her back she flung it back on him. He starred at her arm, the dried up blood made it look worse. “Hey are you alright?” Someone asked her, someone asked how she was feeling. She shook her head slightly then collapsed on the gravel crying. “You should come inside, you don’t look so good.” He comes in close, this time she sat there starring at him as he tried to understand what was going on. He put out he’s hand, she put her hand in his, and he helped her up. “My name is Benji.” He looked at her waiting for her name.
“Thank you Benji.” She looked towards the grass. She was unsure to give her name out; unsure if there would be harm after she said it. He took the jacket and put it around her body in an attempt to for to know he wasn’t doing any harm.

“You alright?” He starred at other scars on her body. “Do you do this to yourself?” He traced a cut with he’s finger, she pushed he’s hand away and nodded a yes. “Don’t… you can get help.” He touched her face lightly, not wanting to scare her.
“No one wants to help, I haven’t told anyone.”
“I’ll help.”
“You don’t know me. You don’t need to get involved in something you know nothing about.” She backed away a step, grabbing the jacket off her back; He placed out a hand in attempt to stop her
“-Keep it. It doesn’t matter if I don’t know you; everyone deserves help no matter what way.”
“Do you not get it? I don’t know you, you don’t know me, and I have problems that you shouldn’t get involved with. You can take your jacket” She swung it off her back and threw it in his face. “Here.” She grabbed onto her shoulders and turned around.
“Just tell me who did this to you and why.” She turned around, folded her arms, and raised her eyebrows.
“You want to know who did this to me. Who cut me? Or who made me start? My boyfriend, the one I told I didn’t want to be with anymore and just couldn’t take it. He did it. When he finds out I’ve left again, he’ll hunt me down and do what he always does, even worse though.” Benji turned back, staring into her watery pools of hazel coloured eyes. Holding her gaze to his and searching its lonely stare.
"I can't know how you feel only you will ever know the pain you’ve take from it, and I can only touch it part of it. I can’t understand why but I know pain. And I can see you’re in pain. Just let me help please.” His eyes pleaded with hers, her reluctance showing as her body was taunt and hunched over, beaten and worn. Doubt flooding her grief stricken mind she didn't even feel herself nodding to the stranger’s compassion but feeling his hand grasping for hers she was led to the dimly lit cafe on the edge of the lonely, bitter street.

“You feel better?” Benji touched her shoulder as she sat down at the kitchen table.
“Thank you very much for everything.” She surrounded her face with her hands. “If it wasn’t for you-“
“Don’t mention it.” He cut her off, didn’t want her to explain more of her pain, it would hurt her more. He said beside her shaking sobbing body. He couldn’t do anything; he could see the pain form. She grabbed onto her arm. She stood up from her chair. “It hurts too much Benj” She took a grab of him, hugging for dear life as if she was crying for the very last time. He’s shirt became wet with salty tears as he caressed her hair. “He’s gonna go after me.”
“He’ll have to face me.”
“He’s got friends…”
“That’s amazing, I have friends too.”
“I better leave before he finds out where I am.”
“Your not going anywhere, except somewhere where they can help, and plus he doesn’t even know where you are and who I am.”
“I’m not going to one of those Rape Centres.”
“You like changing the subject really fast don’t you?” She pushed away.
“I’m gonna go for a walk…” She started to walk away. He grabbed her arm; the force brought back horrid memories. “Don’t you ever touch me again,” The reaction quick, she lifted her hand and slapped him right across he’s left cheek. “You don’t know me!” She stormed out the door.

The cold, wet grass under her made everything seem ten times worse then it already was. She knew why she did it but knew it was wrong. All he wanted to do was help her. A stranger, someone he didn't even know for one day, wanted to help. She told him of what was going on; it was easier to tell him because she barely knew him. Someone who wouldn't look at her as if she was going insane, someone worth talking to, and she blew it for her own reasons. For some reason talking to someone you don't know or just met makes it a whole lot easier. They never knew you, never seen you before but you could spill anything to them and they understand as if they went through the same thing you've been through. They don't judge you like others do, they don't say painful things, they listen to what you say, even if it doesn't make that much sense. It seemed so good to her that it hurt. Sometimes you don't think that you deserve to be happy. The feeling is so rare that the good feeling makes you feel worse then you already do. That’s why she ran, he cared for someone he didn't know, made her feel welcomed, made her feel sick to her stomach.

She felt like she was using him, taking his cloths, telling him her problems, but he did offer. She felt like going back to him, saying something, asking for help. She didn't have the courage; she had never asked anyone for help. She told herself over and over that the day she asked someone for help was the day she really needed it. Was today the day? It's the ones who don't ask for help who need it the most. I just don't trust people, and If I told someone about what I was feeling I would have to make sure this person wouldn't judge me or just leave me like that. It's interesting how you feel so lonely, with so much people around, starring, and judging.

She practically choked as a rough tug to her neck lifted her up from the ground.
“You know if I can’t have you, nobody can?” He’s fierce blue eyes only spoke death to her.
“..h.h.his nobody… leave him alone.” She could barely speak these words, practically mouthed them.
“I didn’t ask you who he was, just telling you you’re not his, your mine, mine, you hear me?” He grabbed onto her arm, tight and threatening.
“..yyyes.” She knew this from the day she bet him, from the beginning that she could never leave it, could never leave the abuse, rape, this hell she was stuck in.

She sat there in the corner, barely dressed, like someone had just thrown her there, flung to the cold tiles. Someone had. Once again she felt hurt and robbed of her personal being, robbed of everything she had, robbed of things she held dear. She hated this feeling that she always got after she was pressured into all this, the sickening that ripped her heart. She fell out of love with him months ago but every time she left she came crawling back, her body feeling scarred but needing his attention. This time she wouldn't, this time she was going to end all her misery, end the lonely nights hoping he wouldn’t touch her. She would get up from her corner she pathetically sat in and take away this feeling she held inside. Her weak body could barely stand up as she grabbed onto the walls to steady her weary body. She made her way to the bathroom, where she mostly woken up after she blacked out. She looked into the mirror to find her pale, fragile face, her eyes burned out and her hair greasy, skin so pale and washed out. She could feel a bruise form on her cheekbone; she always struggled for him to leave her alone but always ended up with more pain. The shocking feeling of contact to her thin skin, the pain as she screamed, no begged for it to stop. As the water hit her burning skin she felt the need for pain, the need of feeling something she could control for once. She slapped her wet, cold hands against the smooth counter top. Tears rolled down her eyes as she stared at the pin lying by her fingertips, the metallic touch that felt right at her fingers. Why had it always come down to this? Why was this the solution to all her problems? With her shaking hands she grabbed the pin she placed it on her skin. She looked at her hand shake. She threw it to the ground; it just couldn’t end this way. She yelled into the room, asking it why, and it didn’t answer her back. She grabbed onto her shoulders and fell to the ground. As her head hit the ground she felt the cold floor underneath her. She lay there sobbing, no where to go, this was her life, she couldn’t stand it no more. She closed her eyes tight while releasing warm tears that made there way down to her ears. She couldn’t live like this. She undressed what was left of her cloths and turned on the shower. The warm hard pressured water hit her body like knives piercing her skin.

With her hair still wet she slipped on a hoodie, while looking at her scared arms. Her new cuts where clean for once. She picked up her packed bag and headed out the door. On the outside she seemed like a normal person walking down the street, on the inside she felt broken in every way. It wasn’t dark out but it was getting there. She could see the sun setting over the houses. Her steps became faster just thinking of the pain she would receive if she was caught. The wind against her face felt surprisingly pleasant as she walked up he’s path. She put down her bag by the door and rung the doorbell. The door opened gently as he looked at her through shocked eyes.
“Benji… I need help.” She said this confidently, with no fear in her voice. He’s expression on he’s face totally changed, an expression of relief. He stepped onto the cold cement, and rapped he’s arms safely around her weak body; he’s hug so warm and strong. He pulled away and looked at her face, he placed he’s hand upon her cheek, the warm feeling made what happen earlier disappear for a minute. He starred at the fresh bruise. He looked to the ground,
‘He did this to you, didn’t he?’ He looked back at her nodding head, ‘you’re gonna get you help.’ He pulled her in close as she layed her throbbing head on he’s strong shoulders.

“Sam, you alright?” Benji stopped her a second before they continued on there way.
“Yeah.” She nodded a little, causing a less worried look form across he's face. He grabbed her arm gently.
“It'll be alright Sam, everything will be fine.” A slight smile appeared onto her face, she didn't know how or why she was doing this. They reached the door, as she stops.
"Um... I don't know if I can do this." She turned around, about to run for her life.
"You understand if you don't, it'll always be the same? You'll always get to this point but not go past it? Sam... I know this is going to be hard, I know your hurting, just please come inside with me, I promise if it doesn't go well, we can leave." He's hand embraced her shoulder gentle as she swung back round, and nods.
“Come on then.” He ushered her towards the door as he slowly opened it. So many thoughts going through her mind that she becomes more and more tormented. She sat down on a chair. Thinking through of what she was going to say, she stood up and walked slowly up to the front desk. Benji close by.
”Hi, My name is Samantha, and this is my friend Benji,” Her shaky finger points he’s way, he walks up to her so he’s standing just centimetres away. “He accompanied me here because I need to talk to someone about-“ She stopped, feels worse every time she tells someone, makes her feel disgusted in herself. Benji lightly touched her back to continue. She didn’t so he decides to do it for her, he slips a protective arm around the lower part of her back.
”I brought her here because she’s been abused, raped, and she does herself harm. She needs someone to talk to for help.” Samantha looked down to her feet, feeling ashamed in herself that she couldn’t control this, that she wasn’t brave enough to do this on her own. She bites her bottom lip, causing pain.
”Samantha, I’m glad your friend… Benji?” He nods “I’m glad your friend Benji has brought you here, we offer professional support. We’ll get someone who can help you.” The woman behind the large desk stood up and walked over to both of them. “We’re going to have to ask you some questions.” Samantha dug her fingers nails into Benji’s arm.
”Don’t worry… everything will be fine.” He whispers as he took a grab of her hand.