Breathless

Nina's Morning

I opened my eyes to realise I had fallen asleep in Joel’s arms last night, his gently resting round my back. His sweet face, so pleasant as he slept looking peaceful and content just sleeping so close to me. I reached over to place my hand onto his soft warm face, to place my cool one to such a heated surface. I gasped for air as my hand felt so weak as I tried lifting it, my mind blurry. My breath so weak. Knowing that if I didn't do anything this would be the last time I stared at his loving face, the last time he would wrap his hands round me and for me to do the same to him. I managed to grab Joel’s arm, squeezing as hard as I could but even this wasn’t as strong as it should be. He groaned and turned over, pulling from me slightly. I felt so drowsy, my body so weak with a lack of air. I tried once again, trying harder. "Quit it Faye, I’m tired, what are you trying to do to me?" as he said this he turned over to look into my face, his wide, brown eyes gazed into my onyx black ones. I grabbed my throat, my hands only just managing to make it. My gasps for air become more every minute, more struggled and hard. He realized something was wrong as his face gasped. "What’s wrong Faye?.... baby don't do this to me" he said, his voice panicked as he picked me up and brought me to the couch. Trying with everything in my body I spoke one world, air becoming more valuable and time stricken "hhhelp."

I woke to the sounds of sirens, lights, and fear gripping me. I was breathing smoothly now, an oxygen mask over my nose and mouth. I looked to my side; Joel was sitting their hand folded into the other. Looking down to the ground, a soft sob coming from him but I could only see the top of his head. I reached out my hand to place over his. He looked up; a single tear ran down his face "Faye...." "It hurts, my chest hurts." I think he knew what was going on but was trying to remain calm. "Stay still babe, we'll be at the hospital soon." He declared this but didn't leave my hand, his voice trying to reign strong. I closed my eyes just knowing Joel was by my side made me less scared, feeling safer. I heard yet another small sob but wasn't able to open my eyes, I had already fallen in a slumber type coma.

Joel’s POV

"Quit it Faye, I’m tired, what are you trying to do to me" I said this thinking that maybe she didn't want to sleep in this morning, more of a fun wake up, I almost smiled at that but groaned from tiredness. I turned around to see she wasn't breathing properly. What was going on, everything had been fine the night before, so perfect and now something horribly wrong. She wasn’t responding properly and my heart jumped. "What’s wrong Faye?" hoping she'd say something, anything to let me know. Her face becoming paler every second "Baby don't do this to me." I grabbed her, half a dozen thoughts spinning round my head; maybe stuffed in bed all morning had an effect on her, nothing could be wrong it just couldn’t be. I took her to the couch possibly getting air by the window, gently pulling her body up she fell limp as I carried her tensely to the couch. I put her down, my body near to shaking. She grabbed her throat, her arms moving slowly, it was getting more difficult for her to breath. I knew it. Crap I had no idea what was wrong but. My mind "Help..." were the last words that she manage to breathe out as she drifted away. I ran to the phone and called for an ambulance, my voice jumpy and erratic as I tried to remember everything. As I told them everything I could manage, my voice still high pitched from gripping fear. I ran back to Faye, holding her, trying to wake her up, anything for a response. Every second that past was a minute and every minute an hour as my world slowed down. They were there in minutes, taking her from my reach. I couldn't stand seeing her this way. So helpless and lifeless, so unlike the way she was the day before, I cried from afar, sure that my heart was more erratic that hers. I wasn't allowed near her till they knew what was wrong. They got her breathing properly and gave her an injection. Their voices rang around me but I couldn’t hear.

They placed her into the ambulance about to get onto it they stopped me, placing a hand out to prevent me to climb after her. Her racked breathes improving every second. "Are you family?" I didn't lie "No, I’m her boyfriend" my voice was panicked. Worried about Faye, lying so limply on the stretcher. "We need family, you'll have to check by them, step away from the vehicle" I looked straight at the man. Staring at him, glaring. "Her mom and dad are dead, she’s got no body but me..." I realized right then how much we needed each other as my voice took an icy tone. "Ok son, but your sure she knows you?" was he fu.cking with me, can’t he fu.cking see how upset I am. Do I look like I do this as a sick joke. "Yah." Trying to stay calm but my voice shaking. I got in the truck after him stepping up the small steps, my body shaking. I sat down right beside her, gearing her breaths more steady this time. I looked at her, her hair sweeping over the stretcher. She looked like an angel, not moving but she looked like she was sleeping so restfully. Finally finding some comfort in this unnatural sleep. I looked at the ground, what would I do if I lost her? Not to hold her delicate frame ever again. If I make it through today would tomorrow be the same? I felt a warm hand reach for mine, it’s small fingers linking through mine. I looked up to see Faye, with a slight grin breaking through her face. "Faye..." she looked at me, searching my face, as if she was trying to memorize everything on it so she would never forget. Even in an eternal sleep. "My chest hurts." Her voice was weak and brittle as she spoke these words. I knew that something was terribly wrong. I could just feel it in the air. That things would never be happy again. "Stay still babe will be at the hospital soon." I put a smile on my face to make her think everything was fine, but deep down she knew it wasn't. She knew that in this all, somehow we couldn’t make it out. She closed her eyes knowing that if anything happened I’d be here every step of the way. Never to let go of her easily. Not if it meant never to gaze upon her smile again. I tried controlling the hurt I felt inside of myself, tried to battle the feelings spinning round my head. Why was this happening to her, I loved her so much that I’d rather be in her place taking all the pain that was going through her body? I let out a small sob, asking god to take me instead. Praying that there could be salvation for us both. We soon reached the hospital; it’s grey walls looming over us. This would be the last moment Faye would be able to see the outside of this building.

They had already reserved a room for her. She was all by herself, a single window to look out of, even that so small and pointless. No one knew what was going on except Faye and I. I wasn't allowed in the room for a while as they examined her pacing the corridors outside decided to call Faye’s best friend, Joanna. "Hello" a shy small voice had picked up the phone, mouse like and scared almost. "You Joanna?" I knew it was her it couldn’t be anyone else after all I’ve heard. "Yeah,..... Joel?" I didn't know exactly how to tell her, they had been friends for ages. "Joanna,” I paused “Faye’s in the hospital and it doesn't look good?" the response came quickly and rushed. Sadness spreading through where fear had lain. "Oh my god, what happened to her?" I explained our morning, my voice remaining surprisingly emotionless and she decided to come down and see her later on. After I had time to see Faye. As I hung up I decided to call Benji, I hadn't been home all day. I needed to hear the voice that had always been through everything with me. "Hello" Benji had sounded like he had just woken up. His voice almost breaking into a yawn. "Hey Benji? Its Joel, I’m at the hospital." I paused for him to speak "What happen" I had to once again explain my horrid morning this time emotion escaping to the one person I couldn’t hide anything from. "What’s wrong with her though? Will she make it?" "I don’t know yet, bro, I don’t know anything. Haven’t heard from the doctor, he’s in there with her. They’ve been there for a while I’m scared." I heard the door open from her room, the doctor pointed at me to come in. motioning through the door. "Hey Benji, I got to go, I’ll call you later. I need to hear you’re voice to keep me strong. Bye" I placed the receiver on the hook and left my hand there for a brief second.

As I entered the room Faye laid there in the place I had last seen her, they had barely moved her. "I wanted to tell her what was going on but she didn't want to hear it till you where in here with her" he said this as I sat by the bed my hand grasping hers as I felt a needy hand hold onto mine. "I don’t have good news..." I looked at Faye, her eyes total attention to the doctor; she squeezed my hand, letting me know she was still here. "Faye..." why wasn't he speaking faster? "Dear, you've got lung cancer, and because no one found out about this sooner, you don't have...." More? How could more get added to this horrible, horrible information? My heart was pounding fast. My body shaking, I even felt my breath quicken "Much more to live" She burst into tears, her sobs ringing in the silent room. I hugged her with all my strength, and after hearing this I didn't have much left. I just held her there in my arms scared to let go, because if I did, then I would be letting go of her forever. "I’m sorry I had to tell you this. You’re a strong kid" the doctor told me this while patting me on the back, what he didn't know was that inside I was breaking into thousands of millions of pieces. Everything letting go inside of me. My beautiful Faye, I was losing her, she’s dying.

Faye’s POV

"...much more to live" as he said this I burst into tears, tears swarming down my cheeks, Joel reached over and held me. His arms strong around my sobbing body as I let my body fall limp in his. How I wished this wasn't happening. I always imagined my life as perfect after meeting Joel, we'd get married and live happily every after. Have kids. Now I would never get to see my children off to school. Never be around to have them. To kiss wounds better. To give life. I was losing Joel and I was dying. Why was this happening to me? I was never selfish always did stuff for everyone else. I lost both my parents at 16, I loved them so much, and I didn't want to live in till I met Joel. I never needed much in life. Or wanted much. But now I had everything I needed right here. It was going from me. Well my wish came true but not when I wanted it. I looked up from my hands to see my sweet loves face "Don't worry I always be here...." he whispered into my ear, and I knew he would.

Joanna came around later. Joel had called her up earlier and explained what he knew then. But now I had to tell my best friend that I wouldn’t be here to be her bridesmaid at her wedding like we had always planned. That I couldn’t be godmother to her kids, like she would have been to mine. She began to cry when I told her I was dying. Her tears setting off mine. I told Joel to go home, I wouldn't go anywhere, and I’d be here when he came back. Where could I go? "Go eat something, I’ll stay here with her" Joanna said as he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. His lips lingering slightly but he pulled away "See ya later." "te quiero mucho" I told him, weakly smiling, Spanish for I care for you a lot. I stared at his back, as he got smaller down the hall. Joanna stayed with me till it got to around seven, just the two of us talking hushed. "I got to go hun, I’ll come see ya tomorrow" she told me as she hugged me goodbye. Her eyes saying far more than all the words she had said previously did. As she left the phone rang. It’s shrill piercing noise cracking through the empty hospital. "Hello?" "Hey Faye, its Benji, how you feeling?" I was so happy to hear his voice, his calm one stretching down the line. Comforting me. "I’m kinda tired and miss your brother" a short laugh came down the line. “He misses you too. He’ll be over soon but I wanted to tell you I care for you lots, feel better, I’ll see ya tomorrow chick." I laughed as he said this. His voice masking over any inner sadness he had. "I can’t wait... but tell Joel to stay home and sleep, he doesn't need to come here tonight" I’ll be fine alone, I thought to myself. "Will do, bye Faye!" his voice pouring brotherly love for me. "Bye Benji!" I hung up the phone. I was quite tired so I laid back down as I shut my eyes. Letting sleep wash over me.

Joel’s POV

It was around ten as I sneaked into her room, didn't want her to hear me otherwise she'd get mad. I loved the way she looked as she slept, so pleasant like nothing harming her at all. Her smile glazed across her face. I picked up her hand as I kissed her hand gently. She was hooked up to so many machines that it scared me. Seeing her there with beeps popping every few minutes. I laid my head down by her body, my eyes filled up with tears as I felt her hand go through my hair "I love you Joel..." I tried to control my sobs. "I love you too babe" I fell asleep knowing there wasn't that much time left....

Faye’s POV

*three weeks later*

I woke up early that morning to find Joel sleeping on the chair next to my bed. His hair ruffled from the nights sleep, soft and brown, tousled round his face. His face was soft and loving as he let out small snores. I really didn't want him to do this, he wouldn't be sleeping properly. I didn’t want his life to be ruined because I wasn’t well. He should try and carry on normally without me presenting whole upheavals to his lifestyle. Today was Joel’s second anniversary and mine. Seeing him asleep near me was perfect enough. To be waking with him near and not alone was unique enough. I love him so much, I felt so bad I had to stay in here today. I felt worse that we couldn’t be together. I couldn’t give him the day that he deserved. Instead a day’s hospital visits and stifled conversation. I couldn't even get him a present, he would have to make do with what I felt inside since there was no way I could express it at all. I had decided to write him a note. A note that would tell him my feelings, the feelings I had for him in the past, the present and the future. That would tell him anything I’ve ever felt for him. I could only hope the pale words could show the burning love I felt for him. I picked up some paper from the desk and expressed everything I felt for him. Trying to put down in words something I couldn’t even say to myself.

As Joel woke up I quickly hid the paper. I wouldn't give him this until later. "Hey babe, how you feeling?" I loved his smile in the morning "I’m feeling much better, how'd you sleep" "Slept just fine, I love this chair, wouldn't change it for anything" he had to be kidding me. "Ya, whatever... you should really go home and do something about the clothes, you've worn them for awhile.... and eat something...and" I was sounding like a mom now "Ok Faye, I’ll do it, I’ll do it, I’ll be right back alright." he kissed me on the cheek and left. I noticed he left his coat, I got up as fast as I could grabbed the note and put it in his pocket. "What are you doing" he scared the sh.it out of me "Nothing" I managed to say "Then why are you up? Your suppose to be in bed!" He picked me up and placed me on the bed "I’m not a little girl!" I told him with a laugh. "Yeah I know but you’re my babe who needs to rest. Forgot my jacket, don't get out of bed unless you really need to" I hissed back. "Fine, but this means I’m not giving you a hug... or a kiss." he laughed "Bye Faye!" I was being stupid I wanted a kiss and a hug. I watched as he disappeared down the hallway.

Joel’s POV

As I left I picked up my jacket. Swinging it over my shoulder I pull the door open. "Bye Faye!" I told her with no kiss or hug, like she said. It was eating me alive that she didn't let me do this. I walked down the hallway to the door that leads to the outside of the building, I reached into my pocket to get my wallet and felt a piece of paper, it’s sharp, fresh edges touching along my worn hand. I grabbed it and opened its fresh crease to read the delicate handwriting.

Joel... sorry I couldn't get you a real present. I wrote you something instead....

I can still feel the way you want me when you hold me in your arms, I can still hear the words you whispered when you told me I could stay here forever.

And there isn't anyway I’m letting you go now, I’ll never see that day come.... never

I’m keeping you forever and for always we will be together all of our days I want to wake up every morning to your sweet face -- always

in your heart I can still hear a beat for every time you kiss me and when we're apart I know how much you miss me I can feel your love for me in your heart.

In your eyes I can still see the look of the one who really loves me I can still feel the way you want me the one who wouldn't put anything else in the world above me I can still see the same love for me you had the first day I met you in your eyes I still see the love

I’m keeping you forever and for always I’m in your arms... forever

Faye*

All that she had written was true, my eyes filled up with tears as I knew that she was dying, it became harder every minute when I knew losing her was losing love. I stared up into the sky... why was he doing this to the woman I love so much, the one who would hold my heart to the end of the day. She never did anything to anyone, never hurt a thing. She had always followed her conscience and tried to live right. I started my way home, my heart heavy and my head floating. It was raining out, it’s pouring tears mixing with mine so I could hide my tears from Benji this way. I walked up the driveway, its wet and slippery surface. I slid up the steps, through the door, slamming its worn wooden surface shut. Benji was sitting in the living room with Athina. I tried to ignore them and run up the stairs. "Yo Joel" Half way up the stairs this is what I heard. His voice echoing and bouncing up the hallway. "Hi" All I said and ran as fast as I could to my bedroom, trying to avoid it all. Not wanting to release the truth, I just couldn't take it anymore. I fell into my bed, face first into my pillow. I grabbed it and screamed into it, letting all the emotion flood from my body. All I heard was. "Joel... hey you ok?" I stopped screaming. Just letting my head fall limp on the bed. "Uh yeah" "I’m thinking your not, screaming into the pillow and all" Benji looked kind of scared, his face broken and worried. I began to cry. He came over and hugged me tight as I cried into his shoulder. "Hey bro, your not alone, I feel the pain too".

Benji POV

Joel hardly could speak, tears running down he’s face like a storm just started. "It’s our anniversary, I didn't have time to get her anything, and she gave me this note." I grabbed it from him and read. The powerful words sent a tear down my face as I let the words swirl round my head. I’d known Faye as long as Joel did. I cared for her as if she was my sister. My own flesh and blood. "You can still get her something." My voice was soft and hesitant. "Yeah I know but Benj.... she’s dying, I don’t know what to get her. She can't even leave the hospital." I looked at him. My brothers voice erratic and hurt. "What?" he sat and thought. "I’ve got an idea Joel." As I told him what to do he looked at me "Yo bro, that’s such a good idea. But do you think they'd let me?" "Lets go ask them, they'd probably let you, it won't do anything to her". We headed to the hospital and Joel walked up to the front desk. His steps confident and happier. "Hey hun, she's still in her room, she's absolutely fine." "Thanks Nancy, but before I go in, I need to talk to the doctor" she stared up at me. Her face slightly quizzical. "Is everything ok?" "Yeah, he’s my brother, but yeah I just need to talk to the doctor about one thing" he looked at me sharing a knowing gaze. "Hey Benj, can you go get those things and meet me back here, I won't go in until you come back." "Alright, I’ll be back in an hour" the rep got up and headed to the doctor.

When I got back Joel was sitting in the hall, I passed by Faye’s room; I could see her there sitting. She looked so different then usual, pale, unhappy. I hated how she was sick. "Hey, what'd they say?" he looked me straight in the face, grinned. "He said ok but not for long, just in case." he seemed very happy, it was probably the best for both of them. One last time. "Here, I’ve got what you wanted, Athina helped" He grabbed everything "You go say hi to her then I’ll go in when you leave, alright?" "Yup."

Faye’s POV

I looked up as the door opened, I was so happy to see this familiar face. I smiled as he walked in. "Hey sweet thing" I called out to Benji. "Hey Faye, how you feeling?" he sat on the edge of the bed and looked at me. "Urgh, ok I guess" I looked out the door. "Did you bring anyone with you?" "You mean Joel? Uh... no.... but I just came in here to see your pretty face and to tell you to have a great tim-"I stared at him like he had gone crazy. Probably had. "I mean... uhhh goodnight" Sure, I thought whatever you say Benj. "Ok Benji.... I will?" He came over and I hugged him tight. "Bye, see you tomorrow." He walked out the door with a cheek smile back before he disappeared. I stared out the window and lost myself in the bustle outside. I saw people walk down the sidewalk and kids run along. Life just going on like the world was fine. And it was to them. I hadn't left this hospital for 3 weeks and it was starting to wear thin as I envied every one of the people able to go outside. Willing to trade places.

"Hey beautiful." He scared me to death, my heart jumping as I felt hands on my shoulder. I grabbed my chest. "Oh my god, Joel you scared the sh.it out of me." He smiled and almost laughed as I turned round. "Sorry, I got something for you" From behind his back appeared a bouquet of both white and red roses. Their delicate petals soft and perfect "Oh my gosh, they’re beautiful" I said this as I grabbed them. "Just like you..." he winked and grinned. "But this is not all" but this is all I wanted, I didn't want no more. I just wanted him. And his love. "With permission from the hospital, tonight we will have dinner on the beach." I gaped at him and my eyes filled up with tears as the gesture he had made for me. When all I needed was him, ever. I was really able to go out? "Don’t cry, you’re supposed to be happy, we're going outside." He looked almost worried as I cried. "I know... I love you so much, thank you." I grabbed his neck and placed my lips onto his. It was fast but passionate and I brightened at his touch. He picked me up and placed me on the chair. His arms never letting go till I was safely seating. "I bought you a pretty dress, actually Athina did with Benji." He picked up a dress from the bag beside the bed and pulled it out showing it off. It was blue with white daisies, the same colour dress my daddy had giving me when I turned 6. I buried my face into my hands and began to sob at the gesture he had made. At the length he had gone to, just for me. I just cried harder at the thought he cared enough to bother. "Hey no Faye, I want you to be happy, come on we don't have much time." He placed the dress into my hand; it’s soft material silky on my hands. I hadn't worn a light coloured dress like this for a long time, but while putting it on I felt like the luckiest person on earth, lucky to have his love. He placed his arms around my waist and his warm hands felt so good around my cold body as they guided me up. "Come on,” he said grabbing onto my hand and leading me with him.

Joel's POV

*I practiced all the things I'd say, to tell you how I feel, and now that I got the chance, it all seems so surreal*

I stopped the car by the beach. It was almost sun down, but the ocean looked so beautiful with the sunset reflecting off the water. No one was around except us and the beach was just pure, pale white sand. I wanted it this way, just us, the night and the ocean. I placed Faye on the soft sand under her and watched her graceful body shudder. I was watching her eyes fill up in tears, making them more intense and painful. "Faye what’s wrong?" "Joel..." she was making me think about the first time I met her, standing in a big crowed room, I could only see her and her beauty, and from that moment on I could never forget her. Just her gaze travelling round the room and beaming like moonlight through the darkness. Her eyes lighting up with every joke and her laugh ringing perfectly out like when you hit a crystal glass. "I can't change the way you feel about us, but if you want to leave, I won't beg you to stay." She looked out into the ocean, trying to ignore me and everything surrounding her. I knew she didn't want me to reply. She just wanted me to, to make a gesture. Anything. "I won't leave you ever, everything is going to be alright" I held onto her tight, knowing this was possibly the last time I was going to be able to, I just held her light, fragile body to mine. Wanting to protect her from every hurt the world wanted to throw. I never wanted harm to come to her but I knew that it was impossible, even more so now. We stayed on the beach for a long, while I had my arms around her every second possible. We stayed there watching the waves, watching the sky, the sunset. And more importantly, watching each other.

*Now you've got me watching your eyes, Got me waiting just to see, If it goes the way it never will, *

When we got to the hospital a nurse came up to us in a wheelchair. Pushing it in front of her as she approached us. "Hey Julie, can you come back in a few?" "Yes dear, but don't make it to long" she walked back into the hospital. "Joel, don't worry about this heart of mine, I'm going to be strong, and I’m going to be fine." Where was she going with this? "Faye, I'll always be here, you don't have to ask me." She wasn't talking about this, the expression on her was totally undeniable. "Joel." Her eyes filled up with tears of pain. “Just don't turn around, 'cause your going to see my heartbreaking, just walk away, it's tearing me apart that your leaving but its better this way" "Faye, I’m not leaving, you can't make me leave. “I wish I could scream out loud that I love you" "Go say it! I’ll say it." She pulled away, this couldn't be happening. "Joel, I wish I could say that I love you, I wish I could say not to walk away. But Joel if you don't go now, the pain will become stronger. Just turn around, and don't look back, just know I'll be alright." she pushed me away. Sending me from her body and using the little strength she had mustered. "No Faye, I’m not going, I’m not listening to what you say."

Faye's POV

*And I hope my words will get through, ‘Cause now I can't forget you, I want to tell you, If only I could reach you, And make you feel this way*

"Joel, Just go I don't want you to see me this way." He wouldn't budge, he had to go, if he didn't it'd be worse for him than I. "Joel..." I had to say something for him to go "Joel, I won't miss your arms around me holding me tight. I won’t miss your kisses as they trail down my neck making me loved. I won’t miss your smile when things get bad, it telling me that there’s a better day ahead. I won’t miss the plans we’d make, of kids and marriage. I won’t miss our future that seemed so possible just weeks ago. And I won’t miss the nights we share just holding each other and whispering our sweet nothings of love. Don’t worry just turn around and don't look back because I won’t miss a second I haven’t spent with you." it wasn't true but I needed him to believe me, know that I’m saving him pain. By telling him this now he can forget me and he can find happiness elsewhere instead of clinging onto pathetic moments with the doctors by our side. "Faye, you’re not saying this, just go inside and get some sleep. I can’t believe you." And his voice started to crack like stepping on thin ice. It’s crackling whisper watery. "Joel! ...I don't love you!" I shouted it at him turning to see his face drop and his arms shake. I couldn't believe what I had just said; I couldn't believe that came out of my mouth. And with everything in me I knew it wasn't true, I only lived to love him. I only lived to see his face. To feel his warmth. To hold him tight. He stared at me, I felt his heart break. I could see the pain spread easily across his paling face. The way his eyes looked at me made I wish I wasn't there, I had never deserved such an angel by my side always. And I would never live another day with one either. He didn't say anything, didn't come near me, I felt his warmth so close by I needed to hug him; I needed an excuse to do so. As he walked away I felt the pain growing strong, the heartbreak writhing inside my twisted heart. Its only regret was it’s selfishness of not being with Joel but I was trying to save him pain in the long run. It’s tearing me apart that he was leaving, that I was letting him go, but I won't let you go! I couldn’t no matter what. I wanted to live my life with him but I had just let him go. I think that even if I only had a day left to live, I should have been fighting for it, and with Joel by my side. "Time to come inside Faye" I looked at her. It wasn't time. I looked in the direction he left in, with all my strength I ran, I couldn't lose him. I could feel sharp pains in my chest. I collapsed to the ground, knowing that he was gone, total blackness came upon me and I felt sure that the last thing in the world I would do was break his heart.

I woke up not remembering much from the night before and my memories cloudy. Looking ahead I couldn't see much, the room dark and damp. Feeling cold and lonely with me enraptured in it. I looked out my window, it was rainy, and no one was out, just the pattering of pouring tears drops matching the feeling I held at the pit of my stomach. My room was empty and lifeless and my flowers were taken away. My beautiful flowers had disappeared. I looked to my side, no one was there. I knew at that moment he was gone, I just realised I'd lost him forever. How could I be so stupid? My dress, I could still feel the silky texture of it on my cold pale skin, it clinging to my frail body. I could still feel the warm burning feeling of his hands around my waist as they grasped me, watching the sun pale into darkness. My dress was sitting on a chair in the corner of the room. Tossed on it, so careless. "Faye, sweetie?" Nancy the nurse came in and sat by my bed. "Are you alright darling" she had a sweet Irish accent, lilting as she gazed at my stricken face. She grabbed my arm. "What happened?" I still didn't know what was going on, I only knew I lost him nothing more, and I knew nothing more wasn't important either. Just the knowing I had told him I didn’t want him but in reality I didn’t want to live a second if it meant living without him. "Faye, hun, you've been in bed for almost 2 weeks." She looked at me as if I had gone mad. I took in her worried eyes, staring at my pale skin, drawn and fatigued. "That’s not true, I collapsed last night running, I remember everything, and no this can't be, where is he? I need to talk to him." My voice was strained and thin, sore as if I had hurt my throat. A lump welled to it making it hard to choke out words. "He hasn't been here since that night you told him to leave, only person who came around to see you was Joanna and I sometimes saw he's brother come around and ask for you." Benji? I thought to myself, he came around and asked for me, his sweet voice I could always remember coming in and teasing me, taunting me in it’s broad accent. "Are you alright?" "What time is it Nancy?" "Its 8, oh dear I've got to go check on the other patients" "Wait Nancy" "Yes dear?" "Did uh... Benji say anything about his brother" "No, I just heard him say a couple of times that he wanted to know if you had gotten any better." "Nan, did he every come around with him" him meaning Joel, did he really do what I told him to do? Leave and not turn around? I prayed silently, hoping it wasn’t true. "Faye, no need to worry about this tonight, get some sleep alright, no need to add more to your pain." She slid her hand down my hair, playing with the end before letting go. "He still loves you, don't worry give him time." I closed my eyes thinking about her last words, give him time, I knew he wouldn't come back, If I told him not to he wouldn't. And it ate me alive knowing I had spoil the only thing ever to make me happy.

"Faye?" I felt a hand shake my arm "Faye? You awake?" "...Well now I am" I sat up onto my bed. pulling the sheets over me. "Oh sweetie I thought we lost you. Nancy told me that you woke up last night, you haven't been up for 2 weeks." "Yeah I know." A tear slid down my face as I looked down to my hands. "He’s truly gone Joanna, I lost him." I buried my face into my hands. Tears coming faster with every sob. "Sweetie, You know he left because you told him to, otherwise he would have stayed" I looked up at her, my heart racked and aching. Hearing the words I always say to myself confirmed. "...And how do you know I told him to leave?" I folded my arms, what had been going on while I was not around? But did it really matter anymore. "Uh... well... you repeated it in your sleep" "I see... now as soon as you stop lying I'll be believe you!" I knew there was something there, my heart catching in my throat. "You talked to him didn't you?" "Faye... Nancy told you I was always around right?" "Yeah... and you were always around right?" "Not exactly... Faye, Joel was always around. He told Nancy that if you woke up to tell you I was always around. I came around but not as much as he did. He never came in but he stayed out by the seating area, he couldn't let you go. And the night you fell honey. Well it was him who found you and brought you back here safely." My face flushed red, he had been this close all the time and despite anything I had said to him he had stood by me through everything, he stood by me. "Why'd you lie!" I couldn't control my anger, mostly at myself but to a lesser extent my friends. "Joanna, I want you to leave. I don't want either you or Joel to come back." I was hurt that in the time where I needed people round me the most, the had deceived me so easily. "Faye, I didn't-" "-just leave!" She walked away, not turning back.

A month passed, not one person came and visited me, not one person called, and I knew that it was my entire fault, I had asked for it. So that was what I got. I had become too weak to cope fully with life. They put drugs in me everyday to take the pain away. The doctor had told me that I would be gone any day now, and it would be better. I don't know why I was still holding on, no need to, no one to love, and no one to wait and see. But I was still clinging to the tattered remains of a life with nothing in it. "Nancy?" I called out to her from my room. "Yeah dear?" "Is there anyway it can come faster?" "Oh dear, are you sure this is what you want, you've asked many times this week?" "Nancy, I have no more to live for." "I'll talk to the doctor and we'll have it scheduled tonight." I waited for all afternoon for the doctor to come in and give me my last drugs. The drugs that would make me sleep, the ones to end my life, I couldn't stand the pain anymore, not the pain of cancer but the pain I started all on my own. I stared out into the sky; it seemed all so beautiful like nothing was wrong with me, I absorbed the night air, the last night of consciousness. I heard the door open but I didn't look over to see who it was, I knew it was Nancy anyway. I just took in the stars and the things that made life beautiful, but still pale without love. "Nan" It was harder for me to talk know, my breath became smaller everyday. "Can you please hand me the phone, I've made my decision to phone him. I want to tell me one last time that I love him" I didn't face her, my eyes filled up in tears as I looked out into the trees swaying in the wind. “I just need to let him know I loved him through everything and I’m sorry for my mistakes. I’m sorry for pushing him aside. And I’m for causing more pain.” " I love you too." He’s warm voice filled up my empty room and made it full again. My face alit with happiness and sorrow of the time I had wasted. "Joel?" And a single tear fell down he's cheek and slipped over his lips.

"Joel? What are you doing here?" I sat up unable to control my excitement I had in me. He leaned in and hugged me. His warmth so familar, filled me. He's strong arms grasped tightly around my weak body. "Faye, you just can't go threw it, just don't give up." The sound of safety in his voice made me forget about everything, the only thing in my mind was that I was in his arms and we where together. "I promise I'll be here everyday, by your side, giving you strength." He pulled away just slightly, searching my eyes as I was about to speak. I opened my mouth but was unable to say anything due to Nancy coming in, out of breath. "Oh dear," she turned around, "I'm sorry to interrupt you too, but I've got some very importent news." Nancy's face looked quiet sursprised. "What is it?" Joel let go, and sat by the edge of my bed. "Faye. It's no time to end your life." She looked quiet concerned and serious about the words she was saying. "If you end it now, dear, we'd be losing two of you..." Her tone of voice seemed excited but nervous. I wasn't sure I heard her clearly. "Can you repeat what ya just said..." Joel's face looked quiet confused, he leaned in as to show he didn't hear clearly. "Joel," She took a hold of his arms. She looked at me, I smiled and nodded, I understood everything. I knew what she was gonna say, I knew this meant I had to stay. "Hunny, If faye goes on with her decision, you'd be losing your unborn too."

"Wwwhat? Ya got to be kidding me!" Joel turned his face towards Faye, who was grinning uncontrollably. "No kidding here. I've got the x-rays right in my hand." She held out a big brown envelope out towards them. "Faye, if you’re willing to go threw this; we'll do anything and everything possible for your unborn child to receive a safe birth. If you think your just not mentally or physically capable then we can terminate it." Joel eye's filled of pain towards the word terminate, he wasn't going to let his child be killed. "I'd never do that... Joel, I'd never kill our child... ever." She took a grab of Joel's shaken body. "What happens if I don't make it?" "We're going to try out best to help you threw this, but hunny I just can't promise you anything." A small line of water filled up the lining of Faye's eye. "Faye, there is a possibility that we have to operate you earlier incase there is any danger towards your child... Now Dear, I must be on my way. Joel... she needs to stay calm for her and your child's sake." Nancy's hand swept past Joel's shoulder as she walked out of the room.

"Joel... If I don't make it to see our child after it's birth, promise me you'll tell its sweet ears his momma loves him with all her heart." Faye placed her two hands around her small stomach. "Everyday, I promise you, everyday..." Joel wrapped his arms around her sobbing body. "Faye..." with a small chuckle he softly told her ear "...your a mommy." He slightly pulled away to stare down towards her stomach. He placed he’s warm hand atop of hers. With a small giggle she kissed his moist lips "I love you... daddy."

No one’s POV

"What? Yeah got to be kidding me!" Joel turned his face towards Faye, who was grinning uncontrollably. His mind buzzing. "No kidding here. I've got the x-rays right in my hand." She held out a big brown envelope out towards them, the edges peeping through. "Faye, if you’re willing to go through with this; we'll do anything and everything possible for your unborn child to receive a safe birth. If you think your just not mentally or physically capable then we can terminate it." Joel eye's filled of pain towards the word terminate, he wasn't going to let his child be killed. His eyes brimming with tears. "I'd never do that... Joel, I'd never kill our child... ever." She took a grab of Joel's shaking body, holding onto. "What happens if I don't make it?" Her voice panic stricken. "We're going to try out best to help you through this, but honey I just can't promise you anything." A small line of water filled up the lining of Faye's eye as her whole body shook with the fear that neither her or the baby would make it. "Faye, there is a possibility that we have to operate you earlier in case there is any danger towards your child... Now Dear, I must be on my way. Joel... she needs to stay calm for her and your child's sake." Nancy's hand swept past Joel's shoulder as she walked out of the room. The couple staring at her back.

"Joel... If I don't make it to see our child after it's birth, promise me you'll tell its sweet ears his momma loves him with all her heart." Faye placed her two hands around her small stomach. Her eyes welling up and her face worried. "Everyday, I promise you, everyday..." Joel wrapped his arms around her sobbing body, clinging to her feeble attempts to stay strong. "Faye..." with a small chuckle he softly told her ear "...your a mommy." He slightly pulled away to stare down towards her stomach. He placed his warm hand atop of hers. With a small giggle she kissed his moist lips, her face clearing hearing his words. "I love you... daddy."

They sat there, silent, holding on to one another as if letting go meant the end to everything. But being with each other made any pain go away. They’d spent a fairly long while apart from each other but nothing was said, their emotions spoke for themselves in the unbroken silence. “I can’t believe it babe! We’re having a baby!” Joel said while shaping out a heart with his finger on Faye’s tiny of a lump stomach. Tracing shapes on its pale skin. “No… you’re getting a baby…” She didn’t seem in any way mad, angry, or jealous while saying these hard but painful words, just choked inside. Joel’s smile disappeared as she said it. Pain flooding him. “I’m sorry Hun… I didn’t mean it that way…” She placed her hand around his innocent cheek, her hands soft on his face. “…What do you think it is?” He stared down at her stomach, searching as if it had the answer was written on it. “I think it’s a girl… no, no a boy!” He’s eyes lid up at thinking about this. His voice dripping with excitement “Awe a boy. So that he grows up to be like his daddy, sweet and handsome. A little boy… I want to name him Sean.” Her tone matching his, sounding like children themselves. “That’s a good name, what’s the reason?” He smiled as she grabbed his arm in excitement. The laughter infectious. “Before my mom died, she was pregnant too. She knew it was a boy, so she picked the name Sean. She never got to give birth to him. I’ve always remembered his name, the poor innocent child, my little brother Sean.” She gave him a great big smile knowing the name would be out to use. “I have to tell the whole world my Faye is having a baby!” Joel got up and started jumping around, years dropping off his worn face. “Calm down Joel, why not start by telling Benj first?” “Oh yay!” He picked up the phone, hand shaking as he hesitated, “I’m going to ask him to come over, I want to tell him in person.” “Okay.” Joel began to dial.

Joel’s POV

The scent of her hair so familiar, it reminded me of the day I had woken up by her breathless body. Her skin pale and cold. I looked into her eyes so different then before, more pleasant, less sad. The pain of months now set into them, only being awaken by the news. “I can’t believe it babe!” I slid my fingers between her soft, sweet scented hair. Running through its perfect strands. “We’re having a baby!” “No, you’re getting a baby.” She said this with no care, just tossing the words out, as if I had done something wrong. I didn’t want her to feel that way, nor to think that way. I tried not to seem hurt by what she said, but failed. My face showing it “I’m sorry Hun,” She came closer to me, grasping round my body. “I didn’t mean it that way” Her now warm hand was placed on my cheek, soft and love radiating from it, “What do you think it is?” Her small stomach round, not much of a growth. “A girl… no, no a boy!” “Awe, so it can grow up to be like he’s dad? Sweet and handsome, A baby boy… I want to name him Sean.” I smiled when she said that, heart warming to here her talk like this. Still make plans for a future she couldn’t spend the rest of her life in. “I like it, what’s the reason?” She squeezed my arm; I could feel a burning feeling where her hand was. “Before my mom died, she was pregnant too. She knew it was a boy, so she picked the name Sean. She never got to give birth to him. I’ve always remembered his name, the poor innocent child, my little brother Sean.” Sean. What a perfect name. It seriously hit me now; we were having a baby boy named Sean. I had to get up and dance, jump, move SOMETHING! Just get out this feeling inside. “I got to tell everyone, the whole world my Faye is having a baby!” Faye watched me as a jumped up and down, her smile so wonderful it filled my heart back up again, to see her happy. She got up slowly and made it over to me. Grabbed my shoulders and with a little chuckle. “Calm down Joel, Why not start by telling Benji first?” I grabbed her hand, walked over to the chair by the phone. I sat on the chair, grabbed her by the waist and sat her on my lap, holding her delicately as if made of bone china, which to me she was. I could barely pick up the phone, I was shaking. “I’m going to ask him over, going to tell him in person” “Okays,” She placed her hand around my neck and came in close. Her lips so close to mine, I wanted to lick her with my tongue. She skipped my lips and placed a same peck on my nose smiling at me. The smile never leaving her face, “Now call Benji before it gets serious around here and we totally forget about him.” I kissed her warm lips as she spoke, I could feel her goose bumps at my touch, like she wasn’t expecting it.

Benji’s POV

I was sitting at the kitchen table waiting to hear from Joel. Staring at my glass of water, I could remember him on the phone, his voice breaking down. Tears running fast and furious I could feel them too, the person the other side telling him that Faye had made her decision. I told him he had to do what he believed in. He hit the table a couple of times and left. When I picked up the phone I was kind of startled by the tone of voice Joel had, all happy like nothing had happen from the time she first entered the hospital till now. Like it all just disappeared in mid-air. The way his voice had lightened “Hey Benj!” not even a little sign of sad emotion. I could hear some faint of laughter. I started to panic, maybe it was delirium. “Joel... Where in the world are you?” More laughter. “Can you come down to the hospital?” “Why? Is Faye ok? …Joel, by any chance are you drunk?” I almost laughed at the thought but stopped myself “Don’t worry, Just come over” He hung up the phone. How could I not worry, I brother had gone mad. I slipped on my shoes and ran to the hospital. Worried the whole time. I opened the door of Faye’s room. She slowly got up from Joel’s side, holding onto her back. She greeted me with a hug and a soft kiss on the cheek her face smiling for the first time since Joel and her fought. Joel burst out laughing. With a little laugh she managed to say, her voice wobbling. “Congratulations Uncle Benj!”

"Awe, it’s so adorable." Faye held up one of the gifts that were given to her and the baby. "Thanks so much Athina, it’s so cute." She tried getting up but in her condition and the weight of her stomach it was hardly possible so Athina came to her. "No problem, something special for someone special... So what time this week are you going in?" "It's this Friday, the sooner the better, they want no harm towards the baby, either do I." Her stomach had grown the past 5 months, nice and round, not that big since she didn't eat that much. "What about you Faye? Will it do anything to you?" Athina looked unhappy she would be losing a special friend, a future sister-in-law. "I don’t care, if it harms me let it be, I'd rather have me gone then the baby, any mother would." "I understand hunny, are you anxious?" "I can't wait!" "Aw. With all that you've been threw you really deserve to see that day finally come." "I sort of don't want to see the day come Ath, its sort of hard letting go." "What do you mean letting go?" "There’s a great possibity I won't be here after its birth." "That’s not true, you'll be here, you'll get to hold it and feed it." Faye looked away; she knew that wasn't true, she knew she wouldn't be able to go through all the pain of the surgery, to much pain her though. "Ok, I've got to go, Will Joanna be around today?" She stood up from where she sat and hugged Faye, not to tight. "Actually no she had to go to a conference in Miami. She’s coming to see the baby after it’s born. She couldn't stop crying on the phone, made me feel horrible." She said this while shaking her head. "Well I and Benji will be around tomorrow, I have to work late tonight but I promise I'll be here." She gave a small wave and walked into the hall. Faye dreaded being alone and normally wasn't. The door swung open and in jumped Joel. "IM HERRRRRRRRE!!!" Practically screaming, you could hear nurses telling him to quiet. "Sorry." He gave a low giggle as he walked up to Faye and placed he's arms around her and gave her a brush of he’s lips. "Got ya something." He had a bag in he’s hand. "OOOOO WHAT?" Grabbing onto something become harder. "GIMME GIMME!!" Her arms reaching out to the bag dancing in the air due to Joel weird hand movements. She grabbed the bag and looked inside "CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM!!!" Her true joy. He burst laughing at the way she ate it. "Calm down babe, it’s not like your not gonna eat it every again." "Ha," She took in another big spoon full, "But its sooo good" She finished off the remaining scoops and grabbed a blanket "burr, cold." He stood up and lied next to her. "Oooo, Warm." They sat there and talked, talked about the baby's future and there possibly future. All there lovely memories, there hot nights, warm mornings. "Remember when I first met you?" "Ya, how I couldn't stand you." "I still don't know why you hated me so much." "I didn't hate you I just dis-liked you. You were just to... let’s see..." "Ha. What?" "Too good looking... there ya... you seemed to nice to be so nice looking, every time I met someone that looked so fine they always turned out as bastards..." "Yeah... was I a bastard though?" "This is such a stupid conversation... and no." "I remember what you wore that day." He moved some hair away from her face, he’s hand so gentle. "I don't even remember what I wore." "Ya, but when I saw you I knew I wouldn't be able to live another day without seeing you again." She fell asleep to the noise he’s warm voice telling her he loved her.

____________________________________________________

"Joel? The doctor needs to talk to you." "Is she ok? Where’s the baby? Are they ok?" He’s words could barely dorm, he’s eyes full of tears, his body shaking. "Joel you better come with me, dear you have to stay calm." Nancy took him by the arm. "Sit here, drink this, it'll make you stay calm." "I don’t want to stay calm, I want my Faye!" He stood up as the doctor came in. "Sit down boy, what I have to tell you may really cause a lot of pain, seat down before anything becomes worse." He shock with fear, he knew what he was gonna say, he sat down, tears formed more then before and slid down he’s cheeks. "Son, Faye... Faye couldn't make it." He gasped for air as he looked up at the doctor, he lost her, and he knew this would happen but didn’t know the pain would be so horribly hurting. "You told me she would be fine." "I know I did, we though see would be, but she didn't have enough strength. Son, she’s somewhere now that no one can hurt her. She’s painless know, nothing can harm her." The doctor came over to Joel's shaking body on the chair and patted he’s back. The doctor walked out of the room, leaving him sobbing in fear, he'd lost everything he ever wanted.

As he entered the room, a nurse walked out. "I’m so sorry dear, she was asleep when she passed, but before she dosed off she repeated over and over that she loved you." He nodded, he couldn't speak he's tears taking control. He walked over to her lifeless body. Her skin pale, her eyes shut. "I’m so sorry babe, I’m sorry," Tears rolled off his face as he spoke once more "I love you and I’m sorry." He fell to his knees and cried by her hand. He’s moist face burnt with every tear that slid down. He heard the door open; he turned around to her a nurse with a little bundle in her arms. "Joel..." Nancy walked up to him, her eyes red, probably from crying. "Joel... this is for you..." She held out the bundle. He stood up and wiped away the salty water from he’s moist face. He looked into the blanket and saw the world’s most beautiful pair of brown eyes. "It’s your baby girl." She put the baby in he's arms, he touched her cheek with he's soft figure. He’s body shook, she looked up at him, no crying, and no fidgeting. "She looks like Faye, My sweet baby girl."