Sheriff Ass-ir,
Mombasa.

Dear Sir,

I call you sir merely because letter writing protocols dictate it. The truth be told I'd much rather address you by more suitable titles such as:

• Your cabbage
• Your worthlessness
• Goon
• Bovine
• Your Uselessness

Why? Because, sir, I believe that you are a waste of valuable real estate. Whenever I clap my eyes on your prominent belly and your beaked nose reminiscent of a deformed penguin I fight tooth and nail the urge to produce my breakfast through the very point it went in.

Since the bit of fracas when you came to MY enclave (Southsyyde!!!) during that bit of bother when your goons burnt down my church, you share the same level of esteem with a slug that has been dead a week. Your utterances urging Muslims to return with interest whatever injuries had been done to them I found in extremely bad taste and my feelings for your small person became quickly sour. You, sir, are an AGUMBARU of the highest caliber.

Your latest escapades have intensified my feelings of dislike for you. Who on earth told you that Mombasa is your backyard? Who gave you the right to willy nilly destroy people's property under the guise of cleaning up Mombasa? If you want Mombasa to look prettier MOVE TO WAJIR!!!! You, I assure you, are not contributing much towards Mombasa's aesthetic features.

The Lord indeed works in mysterious ways and indeed he allocated you some time in Coast General hospital to cool your heels and belly and yet immediately you were released your warmongering self was seen poking its beak into innocent people's affairs!!!

Precisely where do you expect people who gain their livelihood from their kiosks and shops and other establishments to go? Did your Royal Highness even give them a chance to salvage their hard earned property? And the spineless minions at City Council fell with your plans with zest and enthusiasm, and bulldozers brought down in some cases years of work to mere rubble! I am led to believe that your docket is the Office Of the President. It is not MINISTRY OF BEAUTY, GRACE AND GLAMOUR!

Your demolishing people's source of livelihood without either offering them time to move, a place to move to or suitable alternatives I find reminiscent of a particularly unintelligent hippo. At the end of the day you go home to your large house which I as a taxpayer, paid for! You use toilet paper that the sweat on my brow placed in your facilities. (That is assuming that indeed you make use of that commodity). But then again in a country where a mere two mayors have seen the inside of a university I am not too surprised!

Therefore, ye bugger, I wish to inform you that at the end of the year I shall fight tooth and nail to see to it that you are consigned to the nether world! If an Equatorial Baboon were running against you I would vote twice for the baboon. Its IQ at least is greater than the temperature of cold water.

Yours lovingly faithfully sincerly,

USHINDWE WEWE!

M