THE UNAUTHORIZED MAN IN BLACK
ROOKIE RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
ANNOTATED
VERSION
Good BBQ, movies, t.v.,
music, baseball, beautiful women is all DOB asks. No, really.
That is all the man asks. These
ridiculous rookie rules of engagement just complicate the beauty of the
simplicity of his most humble request.
So, really this shall be the first and only rule. You don’t have to worry ‘bout any of the
other rules if there is full compliance with this rule. Ye shall consider this the cardinal rule or
golden rule!
Remember this
is about bloggin’, the sharin’
of ideas, knowledge, life experiences, and the love of the Braves. This is not a fight club. But if you want to make it a fight club, then
the rest of the rules were probably written for you. We generally make the rules up as we go
along, but the Rookie Rules of Engagement are the ones we most frequently make
up as we blather along.
Also, DOB talks
music … a lot! … got a problem with that? Didn’t think so! If
you are a closed minded person and you don’t like when El Hombre talks music,
well then tough, your loss, rook. IF it helps ya,
figure out on your own that the little mouse in your hand allows you to scroll
past what you don’t want to read. But
still, your loss, kid! Most of us have
no freakin’ clue of who he speaks half the time, but
the more adventurous of us do sample a lot of them on ITunes
and learn there is a lot of great stuff out there we have never been exposed
to! To read an article written about DOB
and the blog, go here: http://www.deadjournalist.com/interviews/20070123davidobrien.htm
And as for the ridiculous rules and the ridiculously long winded
explanations of said ridiculous rules, well here goes:
First Rule Of This Fight Club Is To Speak Often Of
This Fight Club. We Need To Spread The
Word.
Come on, ESPN sucks! We
need to spread the word so we can get one of our own on that Braves
hating network. The more you talk about
the blog, the better the chances of getting DOB up
there. We need someone up in
However, on second thought, do we really want DOB to sell his soul
to ESPN?!?!?! They’ll corrupt the poor fella. We’ll tune
in. He’ll start off talking about the
Braves a lot. But before we know it,
they’ll tell him to shut up about that lil’ hick team
from that lil’ hick town. Talk Red Sox and Yankees for there are no
others besides the Red Sox and the Yankees.
Maybe we need to change the first rule to be that the first rule of this
fight club is that we don’t talk about fight club. We can sufficiently sabotage DOB’s career and
keep him with us if we change the rule and save his soul and our blog. Who the heck
would replace him anyway? Too
scary. That first rule has got to be
changed, dammit!
If Ye Dare
Enter The Ring Of Fire, Ye Best Get Rhythm And Walk
The Line, Or DOB’s Gonna Cut You Down, Causing Ye To
Be Hurt And To Cry! Cry! Cry!, Finding Ye Locked In A Rusty Cage, Singing The
Folsom Prison Blues, And We’ll All Just Say I Guess Things Just Happen That
Way. Grinch
However Shall Teach Ye How To Make Jailhouse Moonshine.
IF you don’t immediately get these references then as Crash Davis
would say you are hopeless, utterly freaking hopeless. Go back down to the minors and brush up on
your J.R. IF you don’t know who J.R. is,
then only the good Lord can help ya cause ya ain’t ever gittin’
that call up to The Show!
DOB is the
manager and ye shall never backtalk the manager! When Coltrane is away, it does not mean the
mice can play. Do unto Stinson and Rogers as you would do unto O’Brien.
Don’t go after DOB..... that’s just
tacky and stupid and just wrong..... if you don’t like what he says or does, then leave
...... it is his friggin
blog, folks...... why continue to be around something
you proclaim to detest...... This used
to be the Don’t Be An Idiot Rule..... it has now been
changed to Don’t Act Like Coach Rule ... ...
If El Hombre knocks you down with a pitch, don’t complain, it is a badge
of honor. Don’t ever dare forget El
Hombre has the Face Of A Closer! …… Don’t forget there
is a nasty rumor out there that he once did time in Folsom ‘cause he shot a man
in
NO RELIGION!
NO POLITICS! NO RACE BAITING! NO
PROFANITY! NO EXPLICIT SEXUAL
CONTENT! NO HOMOEROTIC REFERENCES!
Religion,
Politics, and Race Baiting is how we justify the existence of the rest of the
AJC! As for the cussin’,
what are you two years old? Only Joebrave, SJA, and caveman22 can get away with being so
colorful and even SJA has refrained lately except for the name of his
moniker. As for the content, what are you 13 and you
need to describe in detail what you are gonna do to
other bloggers and their mothers and sisters and
wives like you just found out about sex or something? That’s what you sound like. Here’s a helpful hint. Most of us are much older than you and have
experienced all that you think is so shocking that you have to describe in
graphic detail for us. Your age, limited
mental functioning, and complete lack of experience may not allow you to see
that what is so shocking and new to you sexually is rather boring at this point
for the rest of us. In fact, most of us
are desperately trying to find new ways to spice things up because what your
juvenile mind can possibly think of as shocking has just become too boring and
been done far too many times by the rest of us ole folk. As for the homoerotic references, seriously,
come on, is that the best you can come up with? Most of ole folk don’t have an identity
crisis like you do. We are pretty set in
our ways and know who we are and what our preferences are. The more homoerotic references you make, the
more we suspect you are the one with a sexual identity crisis and not us. If you are gay, good for
you. You will lead a much happier
and blissful life now that your sexual identity crisis is over. But just leave us alone with it. There are probably more than a few other bloggers who are gay, why are you the only one
imposing? Bottomline:
If you are gay, good for you. Those of
us who are not gay, do not wish to be called gay but as Seinfield
said Not that there is anything wrong with that!
Do not directly
address any veteran denizen. No eye
contact either. You can speak to a vet
denizen when a vet speaks to you first. Look
us in the eye when we speak directly to you lest you be thought of as a
possible jackal or a troll. When vets
are fighting with each other..... Stay
the heck out of it.....
Why don’t you talk to a vet or make eye contact? Don’t ask why
rookie! You don’t backtalk a manager and
you certainly don’t backtalk the sayso of a vet! If you get in the middle of vets fights, you will get caught in the nuclear
fallout...... similar to not picking sides when a husband or wife fight with
each other..... when the drama is over, they will get back together and both
will hate you for no other reason than they do no want to resolve the
difficulties between them and it is easier to unite with each other by creating
a common enemy........ For reference,
see the Chipper/Smoltz backstabbing...... they might
even call you a bulldog because you reported their bullcrap
and dared to call them out on their bullcrap!
It is only kinda, sorta of okay to be a
pompous long winded diatribe perpetrator.
It is also okay to disagree and even to fight. Just be respectful and do not personally
attack the other denizen. Never go nuclear!
Beware the potential perils of engaging with those who will go nuclear
on you or who you yourself might go nuclear on.
Problem
is too many of the vets are guilty of the pompous long winded diatribes, so we
don’t wanna be hypocrites and impose a rule on a
rookie that we have never adhered to ourselves.
So we will concede rather reluctantly it is okay to put forth pompous
long winded diatribes, for there are many amongst us, so long as the pompous
long winded diatribe denizen is painfully aware of his condition and how
annoying it is to the other denizens.
Don’t dare get angry with pompous long winded diatribers
if you are only an instantly forgettable denizen with an instantly forgettable
moniker who only provides an instantly forgettable superficial sentence or
two. If you decide to poke fun at a
pompous long winded diatribe perpetrator, beware, they are likely to launch a
pompous long winded diatribe directly at you.
Hence, another reason why we are afraid to impose a ban on the pompous
blather perpetrators, for they will come after us and we honestly can’t stand
that. It is perfectly okay to poke fun
at the pompous long winded diatribe perpetrator by making hilarious references
to novels, the epic nature of the post, Tolstoy, and War and Peace. If you are a pompous long winded diatribe
perpetrator, and someone pokes fun of you, grin and bear it because we were
patient enough, kind of sick of ya, and truly heard
enough out of you the first time. Don’t
make us regret we are allowing this.
This rule actually does not apply much at all to rookies ‘cause
y’all are typically too scared to get into it and not quite full of yourself
just yet to become a nuclear long winded diatribing
denizen. This is really only applicable
to trolls, jackals, and young immature wannabe vets who have gotten a little
cocky and arrogant about themselves and need to be humbled. If you go over the line, just say you are sorry. I was drunk excuses only carry you so far, if
they get you very far at all. If the
other guy does not accept it and tries to escalate, maybe he is warranted in so
doing, and maybe you just need to take your medicine for your misconduct. If he is not, don’t make it worse, there are
plenty of esteemed vets around who will take notice and intervene and stop the
catfight if they are paying attention.
If the idiot does not listen to the esteemed ones, then let him spout
off without you responding, even if he does so viciously, because the more he
does that, the more we will all see him for what he is and stand up for
you. His misconduct will speak
everything of him and nothing of you.
But rookies, remember stay the heck out of it. DOB or the esteemed vets will clean up the
mess.
The
ones most likely to cause the setting off of nukes are usually the long winded
blathering pompous diatribe perpetrators.
But that is not always the case. But here is a short list of those who
will go nuclear on you or who you might be very tempted to go nuclear on:
Shaun
is very passionate in his beliefs and principles ....... If you are gonna disagree with Shaun, get ready to engage in a day
long battle where you will be pounded into statistical submission..... the blog will suffer irreversible paralysis by statistical
analysis if you so go there ..... Shaun is a clinician about everything except
his fave Druw .....
Quite
simply, Robert thinks Bobby Cox is a Donk ..... you
will hear this taped recording play over and over and over and over and over
and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and
over and over AGAIN! ........
N8
is really called NHATE not innate......... He is a good fan and a good man but
he will really wear you out with his negativity if you don’t brace yourself for
him ....... as even the Wurlitzer winning sweehearted
poet and lyricist Wayne now swears .........
DOB says N8 thinks he some sort of badass or something ……
Don’t
cross Lew and his blogmates
...... He is the Charles Bronson
Enforcer of the Blog and will not hesitate to mete
out vigilante justice when he deems necessary ..... But he is a big hearted
Teddy Bear and if you do right by him and your blogmates,
you will find yourself in possession of a prized Wurlitzer he handcrafts
himself ....... also, don’t make too
many fat jokes around Lew, he will go bonkers on you!
Braveheart is a Duplicitous Diabolical Diatribing
Douchebag ..... not everyone’s cup of joe....... when you test his thin hold on his sanity, you
are likely to be provoked into a medieval battle filled with lots of gory
bloodshed that will seemingly never end.
Such a wannabe Sir William Wallace! ...........
There
is an odiferous one with many a name who often steals names and who you need to
completely avoid ...... he is not hard to detect despite the moniker
proliferation and pilfercation ..... homoerotic
references abound combined with juvenile writing ..... you will see many blogmates simply mention the odor as a heads up to those
rookies caught unaware .......
Everyone
likes Grinch but he gets into it with people if they
test his crazy ass and then he pounds them relentlessly ……
Bob
Journalist makes a tempting target because he is opinionated…… but before you
go there, ask yourself are you really just jealous of that awesome literary
prose he has ……
JJS
can also make a tempting target because of the unique nature of his posts ……
but before you go there, ask yourself again, aren’t ya
just jealous because you ain’t got a mind like his ……
Hang
out long enough and you will definitely get into it with Coach …… there’s just
absolutely no avoiding it …… and Coach will get into it with you ‘cause he
can’t avoid it either ……. He’s never ever wrong just in case you was
wondering ….. make this the last time
you wonder for your own sake ……
Don’t dare mess around with SJA or the Most Honorable Southern as
the HOFer loves to call him. SJA is Malkovich, Walken, Oldman, and bad, bad Leroy Brown all wrapped up in one bad mofo. You f with the bull, you get the horns with that fella. You dare to mess with that SOB, be forewarned, ain’t no one jumping in to try to protect you……. But also
be aware that he will pull six thousand Terrell Owens episodes daily and
threaten to leave forever …. only to be back five minutes later….. He’s a
badass but a drama queen nevertheless……. He can be a force for good when he so
chooses …… just don’t ever dare get used to it …… he is also 6’10”, 300
something pounds with 8 percent body fat percentage as he will remind you over
and over and over …… Oh yeah, he drives an H3 too as he will often shamelessly
boast …… JJS & SJA will fight with each other anytime they get within 100
miles of each other ….
Oddjob was a force to
contend with but disappeared several months ago after a spat with SJA & DOB
……
This is an incomplete list… subject to updates ……
Ye shall never
take a swing at Esteemed Veteran Denizens.
If ye have to ask who these are, perhaps ye should not be swinging at
anyone just yet. If you are an Esteemed
Veteran Denizen, ye shall not quit on the blog, no
matter how frustrated you are. There’s
no gittin’ out.
No threats to leave either! An
Esteemed Veteran Denizen who quits shall nevermore be considered Esteemed.
The
institutions, the
Ye shall not
respond to any Mets fan except for Metropolitan
When
we give you hell Mets fans, don’t cry.
What do you expect? Think, look,
act classy, you’ll be classy. IF you are
a Mets fan and you are going to be arrogant and obnoxious about finally winning
your once in a generation division title, then have the guts to post here
everyday even when your team is stinking it up.
For example, three game sweep by the
Don’t Be A
Troll. Please Do Not Feed the Trolls.
Trolls Feed on Attention. If They Receive None, They Eventually Go Away. Don’t be a jackal! Jackals steal other denizen’s identities, an
offense warranting immediate banishment and contempt from all. Assume an identity. Only one, maybe two is permissible. More than that, come on, be real, you know
you are secretly tempted to become a dreaded troll or jackal!
ALWAYS
ignore the gnats, pests, creepy critters, vermin, scumbags, douchebags,
lowlifes, and Clubhouse Cancers who aim to ruin the blog. This Is the Hardest Rule for All Denizens,
Even Vets, to Adhere To. Vigilante
justice on the evildoers just turns the blog into a
ghetto with drive by shootings and sniping all day and night. We so try to avoid turning this Nirvana into Beruit. …. Speaking
of the jackals, is there really an explanation needed as to how wrong this is? ……
as for the identity crisis, we’ve all been tempted. Many, if not most, have given in. But it is a slippery slope. As with all things evil and tempting, the
first time is the hardest. After that
you are well on your way to becoming a troll and/or a jackal. This is called the chrisklob
rule.
There are no
stupid questions, demands, or opinions, just stupid denizens! Attention seekers shall proclaim intelligent,
well-crafted, and well researched or well experienced opinions or questions,
even if misguided, should they desire proper attention, respect, and response
from DOB and their blogmates. Or, they can just be like the rest of us, and
say whatever they want and suffer the shame of ignored, ridiculed, or lambasted
posts! Also, speculation is just that!
Speculation! Persistent buggers, don’t
ask questions more than once. If no one
cared the first time, no one will care the second, the third, the fourth ...
...
Helpful hint: Did you try to look up
what you want to know before you asked others to look up the data for you? Or did you just ask a stupid question or
spout off an opinion based upon your thoughts, your feelings, your hopes, your
beliefs, your wishes without looking a darn thing up?
Don’t dare utter another word about the Devil
Rays. This includes Baldelli,
Crawford, Kazmir, Dukes,
As for the persistent buggers, you are very annoying to your blogmates ..... At 12:03 p.m. - Hey, DOB, is blah blah player getting called up?.............. At 12:17 p.m., Hey, Dave is blah blah
player getting called up? ...............
At 12:41 p.m., Hey O’Brien, is blah blah
player getting called up? You didn’t
answer me the first time....... At 1:07 p.m., oh, woe is me, fine just ignore
me then DOB, I guess I have to say something outrageous instead of asking
stupid questions to get attention from DOB..... then the denizen posts,
refreshes and reloads the blog and sees ..... at
12:52 p.m. from DOB ........ Yes,
persistent insane, inane inquisitor, I read your question all 10 times. Sorry I was busy reporting on the Braves, blogging 24/7 on here, having a personal life, enjoying
some movies, music, television and friends, but now I am back to serve your
every need ...... Not likely blah blah prospect will be called up just yet for this, this,
and that reason. But they really do like
him as a prospect, just not yet ready for The Show ....... At 1:17 p.m., Sorry DOB, you just took so
darn long answering my question. But
thanks for answering. Love your blog. You da man ...... At 1:31 p.m., DOB will say no problem, man,
no worries, whatever I can do to give you self fulfillment at my time, labor,
and monetary expense ........ El Hombre really wants to strangle these twerps.
As for the be patient and hit the post
button once because it is better for ye drivel to disappear than for us to
endure ye drivel twice, hey, it happens to all of us but we just love to
complain about it anyway.
Never forget it
is a 162 game marathon! It’s
baseball! It ain’t
football! Calm the heck down! The world is not going to hell in a handbasket just yet because of a darn blown save or because
Andruw failed to come through yet again! The sun will still rise and set tomorrow with
or without you killing yourself off with a heart attack over one baseball game
out of one hundred and freaking sixty two!
Or so says the hypocritical legislator!
There’s no cryin’ in baseball and there
certainly ain’t any cryin’
in bloggin’.
Suck it up! Else we’re gonna have to question your raisin’, son.
No, Seriously, listen to yourselves sometimes. To quote DonCorbuleone,
err, Don Corleone in the Godfather when he is
speaking to Johnny Fontaine (the Frank Sinatra character): You can act like a
man! Slaps him in the face! What's the
matter with you? Is this how you turned out? A
As for the
importance of all these rules, none of them are all that important or well
defined. Stick around long enough, you
will figure out we make it up as we go along.
If you strictly adhere to DOB’s cardinal rule up top, you don’t have to
worry at all about the rest.
CHECK OUT LEW’S ARTWORK AT www.lewhartman.com
WURLITZER PRIZE
WINNIN’ POETRY BY
‘Twas the
night before Opening Day, and all through the south, Not a Braves fan is blogging, not even the Coach. The Met fans are nestled, all
snug in their beds, Not aware of the train wreck that is lurking ahead. O’Brien is dreamin’,
and MetroMan is scheming. Hoping their team will be victorious
tonight. The Journalist has visions of
toes in his head, While KC and Lew are off to their beds.
Carolina Lady and Rosalynn add class to this
site. While PhillyGirl
and the “Ghost” are accepted in spite.
Now the JackA$$ and The Grinchster
are colorful it’s true, But JoeBrave and some others, are in danger of the “dude” There are so many others, it is hard not to
include, There is caveman and scribe,
and oddjob too.
Sir Stealth he is, and meansonny he is
not. Scalp ‘em
and Thrillhouse, and Arkansas Hillbilly are hot! We have our two Roberts, with Justice the
Best, While the other our beloved Bobby,
he must detest. We can’t forget DonCo, Daybed, Kieran and Gil, Or Ernesto and scoots; woogidy and rammerjammer
too. Shaun is crunching numbers, N8 will
sound off, Our pastor Matthew, is ready to preach. Greg and Paul, from
SCALP ‘EM BRAVES!!!!!
SCALP ‘EM!!!!!