I remember a race, and halfway through I had something disgusting hanging from my nose. Two girls from my school were chatting, but fell silent when they saw me run by. I must have been embarassed, because when I returned it was gone.
I remember sitting, listening to Coach. He mentioned the Outsiders, and I said �They don�t matter.� One of the Outsiders heard, and knew I was aware and sympathetic of how they were always left out of goings-on. I didn�t know she heard me. I was wearing orange shorts that day.
I remember playing soccer, during cross-country after the season ended. Was chasing the ball�and slammed into one of the Outsiders, the one that actually participated when we played soccer. When I put my hand out to stop the collision, I quite inadvertently molested her. She stood in shock for the next few minutes, as I gained control of the ball. I was the first guy ever to touch her there. Did I even notice?
I remember the awards banquet. That must have been when my usual friends were mad at me, because I sat with the Outsiders, the ones that always got ignored. I seemed to be having a good time, because one of my good friends accompanied me�he was also a friend of the Outsiders. They talked to him. They didn�t talk to me though. They thought it was weird that someone as popular as I was chose to sit with them. They didn�t talk to me, but they wished they had. I wonder if I wished they would talk to me. None of them could tell from the way I acted.
I remember physics, when Janus took us out to see whose car was the loudest, in effect who had the best sound system. I must have spent a lot of time and money on my car, becuase it proved to be the loudest of anyone�s, in any class. I remember sitting in the driver�s seat with the window closed. How loud was it for me, exactly? Was I aware of the unimpressed girls standing around, waiting as my music blared mutely in the confines of my beautiful car?
I remember wearing sunglasses. Did they make me feel cool? Was everything about me that made me seem cool worn or done preceisely for that reason? How far did I go to be popular?
I remember the large poster with loving messages written by people whose named I didn�t always know, I remember the heap of flowers adorning the wall just below the poster. I remember my personal code, photocopied and handed out among the seniors. I remember the calculus class that played pictionary.
I remember lying in a majestic mahogany box, made to look as nice as I could even though no one could see me, arms folded across my chest, as seven of my baseball teammates and my little brother rolled me outside, into the rain, crying.
Whenever I exist, I remember this, and Someone wonders if what they say is true, that I live on in memory.
And then... fading away... again.