The prom. Oh yes. This is the night that our inconsequential little lives all add up to. We dressed up. We hired limos. We did everything that we angrily said we weren't going to do before we had dates. As its such an important night in our young lives I am going to report on it becuase I am a cynical bastard and that's what cynical bastards do.
American television has led us to believe that the prom night is the magical night where things happen. Old flames are rekindled and kindred spirits find each other under the decoration of a lame disco ball. This of course didn't happen at all. As far as I know, there was one new couple. As nice as they are together it was disappointing in that it was just: girl fancies boy, boy turns out to fancy girl, boy and girl get together. What should have happened was: girl has just got over messy break-up with bastard, girl realises that the boy that has stuck by her during the ordeal she actually LOVES, boy confused because he didn't think he really liked the girl that much but he gets a strange feeling in his stomach when girl is around, bastard says he wants girl back thinking she wants him back, boy loses it and punches bastard, girl runs outside crying, boy follows, lengthy chat, lengthier kiss just as 'Hero' by Enrique Iglesias is coming on. That is the way things should happen, but did it happen like that? HELL NO! Nobody punched anyone. No girls cried. No girls confessed their secret love for me, which was heartily disappointing. My proposal? Next year we do the whole thing hopped up on crack. Drama aplenty.
Another thing that pissed me off was the music. I was voicing my concerns that the music would be rubbish in Social Science when some dumb-ass townie informed me that 'They're not going to play any of your grunger music'. There I was expecting Iron Monkey and my hopes were blown into oblivion. They played 'Toca's Miracle' for goodness sake. It was crap when it came out. It's crap now. I'll tell you what should always be played: 'My Heart Will Go On' by Celine Dion and 'Supertition' by Stevie Wonder. I got one chance to get my lame-white-guy funk on and I seized it with both hands, coming up with an orgasmic face/slide/clap combo that caused such a ripple in the natural force of all things lame that people in Chile suddenly became embarrassed but they couldn't work out why.
My date was my rather splendid friend Elly who looked excellent. Tom was, needless to say, going with Julia and they proceeded to piss everyone else off with their stupid non-dysfunctional relationship. Liam went on his todd because his girlfriend couldn't go. Ben's date mercilessly skanked him mid-prom in favour of her ex-boyfriend leaving him to swear bloody revenge on all ex-boyfriends. Ever the optomist, Ben hopes to find himself a girl with low self esteem that will never leave him for their ex-boyfriend.
Pictures follow. My ability to look like a sex offender in photos, whatever pose I adopt, is becoming the stuff of legends. My teenage rebellioues locks seem to look like a ridiculous afro in all of the photos. I blame the photographer. |
