This afternoon, through a hooded spokesman, the faded Greens, late of the first division of the Shoeless Joe League, confirmed the trade of Mark Buehrle to the Caracas Polar Bears for the Bears' first-round picks in 2004 and 2005 and their second-round pick in 2006. "Buehrle has been a great pitcher for this organization," said the spokesman, "helping us more than we thought he would when we picked him up." But this season Buehrle was 3-5 with a 3.79 ERA after winning seventeen games with a 3.14 ERA in 2002, when the Greens won their fourth league championship. If Buehrle was not a number-one starter, he was close to it, said the spokesman. But Buehrle had been "inconsistent" this season. "And as we see it, soon he'll be too expensive for a mid-market team such as the Greens. So it's goodbye and so long to you, Mark Buehrle."

The hooded spokesman said that the team had not yet decided on a replacement in the number-two slot in the rotation. "But given how well this squad has played up to now," said the spokesman, "I don't suppose it matters a whole hell of a lot." The Greens are last in the Northern division and sport a division-worst team ERA of 4.47 after leading the league in that category in 2002. The new rotation figures to be a joint decision by manager Joe Morgan and pitching coach Alabaster Alabama, a foreign national who has subject to brutal criticism in the wake of his recent anti-American comments.

The hooded spokesman would answer no questions about the status of Alabama. The hooded spokesman deferred questions about the direction of the team. The hooded spokesman left the stage for parts unknown. The hooded spokesman remained hooded.