I honestly don't know if I should laugh at these or cry.....hehe
SOCIAL
SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh,
nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social
Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month,
but not enough to live on!"
LOUD
SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he
lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink
said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem
is." "The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me
up!"
QUIET
SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a
recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an
orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never
home!"
CONFOUNDED
SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and
torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give
him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since
it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for
"small", $6,500 for "medium," $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to
talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his
wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into
the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the
two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd
rather remodel the kitchen."
WEDDING
ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever."
"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone
reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
WOMEN'S
HUMOR:
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you
happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss
you."
Subject:
20/20 Vision
A Husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in
front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old
woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum
is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby"
She turns to her husband and says ..... "Please tell me something positive
to make me feel better about myself"
He thinks about it for a bit and then says "well ...... there's nothing
wrong with your eyesight."