ranks

Rokhed Hockey News - March 19th
Guest GM - Los Angeles Kings GM Walter McLaughlin

(53-15-6-0). Will and Erich must file-share the naked Warfield pictures. Washington�s attack is ruthlessly precise and unrelenting, much like Zsa Zsa Gabor�s on Beverly Hills police. Sergei Samsonov (45 goals), Jason Allison (33) and Owen Nolan (28) pace a 2nd-ranked offense and Wade Redden, Dmitry Yushkevich, Bryan McCabe and Roman Hamrlik form a Colgate invisible shield around goaltender Nikolai Khabibulin (1.83, .929). As a result, the Caps also have the league�s second-best defense, including the second-best penalty kill percentage in the land. Deuces wild here (including the ranking), but don�t go handing anything to the Bruins just yet � Washington has been utterly invincible in the playoffs the past three years.

(54-9-5-5). The runaway President�s Trophy winner knows some secret that the rest of us just don�t understand about this game, something that makes this club a truly legitimate candidate to unseat the three-time defending champion Washington Capitals. Maybe Erich has naked pictures of Dave Warfield on his computer. In any event, the Bruins have rampaged through the regular season on the strength of the league�s #1 offense, #8 defense and top-ranked power play. A remarkably balanced attack that features Tony Amonte (33 goals), Rod Brind�Amour (25), Steve Rucchin (22) and Teemu Selanne(20 in just 47 games played) is counterbalanced by the likes of defensemen Nicklas Lidstrom, Eric Desjardins, Marcus Ragnarsson and Brent Sopel. Oh, and that guy that allowed just one goal in the entire real-life western conference finals series against Minnesota? He�s in net. May God have mercy on our league.

(39-21-12-2). Every year, Joe has school or work that cost him games, and thus he ends up lower-seeded than one might expect for such a power-packed team. Rumor has it that GM Grossbard still occasionally huddles in a corner, shivering uncontrollably, at the thought of Edmonton slipping all the way to #8 once again (whether on purpose or not) Nevertheless, this team can nuke just about anyone at any given time, evidenced by their top-ten ranking in offense, defense and on the penalty kill, where they are #1. Mario Lemieux (32 goals), Milan Hejduk (26) and Marian Gaborik (25) lead the offense, with Janne Niinimaa, Adrian Aucoin, Glen Wesley and Tom Poti bringing it on defense. Sean Burke (2.05, .923) gets most of the work in net, though Dwayne Roloson has been even better, statistically.

(45-17-7-4). For years, the criticism of this club was its run-and-gun-only approach to games, which opened it up to odd-man rushes on the defensive end. Well, Communist-sympathizer Elliot and his coterie of Russian snipers changed tacks in the off-season and this regular season, beefing up the blue line with Brian Leetch, Sandis Ozolinsh and others, leading the club to a surprising 3rd ranking in goals against. On offense, the usual cast of characters leads the way: Todd Bertuzzi (40 goals), Sergei Fedorov (31), and Marian Hossa (32), complemented by seven other players in double-digits. Brent Johnson (1.94, .929) plays like one of those cheesy original Star Trek force fields in net: primitive, awkward but ridiculously effective. Detroit will likely capture the top seed in the West for a second straight year and looks to exorcise the ghosts of previous playoff failures.

(38-22-11-3). One Hull of a team � literally. Hull�s 37 goals easily lead the offense, with Mark Parrish in the vicinity with 25, but after that, the grandpa attack drops markedly. However, the team ranking of 9th is highly impressive, but equally so is the 12th ranked defense, especially considering it consists of guys like Dan Boyle, Paul Laus, Maxim Kuznetsov, Andreas Lilja, and � of course � rickety old Chris Chelios. Recent-acquisition Tommy Salo (2.65, .908) has played better since his change of address. Imagine the damage this club could do with a few more weapons at its disposal. Nevertheless, I don�t envy whomever they match up against in the playoffs.

(43-20-8-0). This isn�t your father�s Forsbergs anymore. Atlanta has been in the top-ten all season long on the strength of being good at, well, everything: offense (10th, led by Forsberg�s 34 goals, Bartecko�s 21 and Daze�s 20), defense (9th, with a blue-collar crew of Scott Niedermayer, Rotislav Klesa, Denis Gauthier and Jiri Slegr), goaltending (Olaf Kolzig � 2.17, .916) and special teams (5th-ranked power play, 17th-ranked penalty kill). Playing in the shadow of the champion Capitals has obscured some of the success this team has enjoyed over the past few years, but there�s no doubt that this club is loaded for bear. Rumor has it that Forsberg�s eviscerated spleen has been the team�s honorary mascot this season.

(35-28-7-2). On paper, kind of a weird mix of diapers and geezers (let�s not forget that those terms aren�t mutually exclusive), but John seems to be able to make it all work as the Preds have been in the hunt all year long. Not surprisingly, Bill Guerin has pummeled defenses into submission this year with his 38 tallies, but after that it�s a mixed bag of scoring with Druken (20), Damphousse (17), Czerkawski (17) and even Donald Brashear (15) getting into the act. The 17th-ranked offense doesn�t carry the day, it�s the 4th-ranked defense, led by Al MacInnis, Derek Morris, Calle Johansson and Michal Rozsival. Patrick Roy�s cryogenically frozen head mans the net (1.91, .926) and performs at a top-notch level. Good at killing penalties (5th), not so good at converting on them (19th). If I see this team backhand another shot into the net, I�m going to backhand Budgell personally.

(41-16-12-5). Sergio has quietly put together yet another terrific regular season and plays much like a cute, fluffy Snuggle Bear -- with razor-sharp fangs and claws. The offense has been adequate but not spectacular, with only Mike Modano (28 goals) and Markus Naslund (26) breaking the 20-goal plateau. Where the hell has Jarome Iginla been all year? However, the league�s top-ranked defense and #9 penalty kill resides in la terre de fromage, le vin rouges et la propagande de successionist. This is no surprise, with names like Teppo Numminen, Pavel Kubina, Kimmo Timonen, Greg De Vries, Darryl Sydor and Mattias Norstrom in the stable. Only in Montreal could a guy as good as Roberto Luongo (1.71, .926) actually be outplayed by his backup. Sacre Bleu!

(42-26-3-2). The self-proclaimed �Pain Train� hits on everything imaginable: the puckhandler, the player receiving the puck, other GMs in ICQ conversations, etc. As a result, the team has SIX players with 300+ hits. Six! Another two have over 100 hits. On offense, the 5th-ranked attack features 28 goals from Vyacheslav Kozlov, 25 from Ziggy Palffy and six others in double-digits. On defense, Kalinin, Grand-Pierre, Baron and Lefebvre just whack away at everything on the ice � even the refs. Middle-of the pack special teams and a May-December romance is blooming in net with Byron Dafoe (2.13, .926) and Rick DiPietro. Memo to whoever faces Columbus in the first round of the playoffs: you just may get hit a few times.

(41-20-10-3). Los Angeles, sporting vowel-challenged superstars Tkachuk (30 goals) and Jagr (34), get contributions from Steve Sullivan (20) and eggshell-noggin Adam Deadmarsh (21) on the way to the league�s 6th-ranked offense. On defense, the names are relatively blue-collar in Derian Hatcher, Bret Hedican, Karl Dykhuis, Ruslan Salei and Hal Gill, with 15th-ranked results. The special teams certainly haven�t been special this year, ranking 20th and 16th on the power play and penalty kill, respectively. Felix Potvin, for the most part, has played well (2.14, .925). These Pimps are in line to �hook� the Pacific Division title.

(33-27-12-2). Pat must go to church each and every Sunday, the way he�s performing his own little �miracle on ice� with this depleted squad. Savage-Linden-Morozov on the top line hardly instills fear in the hearts of an opponent, and yet the �Canes are in line to capture the 8th seed in the East if all remains the same. Savage does have 29 goals and Morozov 19, but the rest of the 14th-ranked offense is relatively unremarkable, and the 23rd-ranked defense (Keith Carney, Jaroslav Spacek, Dmitri Mironov, Frantisek Kaberle and Richard Jackman) has mostly under-performed this season. Manny Fernandez (2.27, .912) and Dan Cloutier spell a bright future in net for Carolina. Erich�s high-octane offense versus Pat�s poke-checking defense reminds one of the irresistible force/immovable object philosophical conundrum, a riddle which after two thousand years may finally be solved in this year�s playoffs.

(28-29-13-4). The Panthers still have a mathematical chance of getting in, but that�s like saying the Congo has a mathematical chance of colonizing Antarctica, given the number of games remaining. Mark�s treks westward and then back east during the season haven�t helped, nor has a mediocre 20th-ranked offense and 18th-ranked defense. Jeremy Roenick (21 goals) has been a top gun but arguably hasn�t earned his fat paycheck, and Mark Recchi (25) leads the club in that department. Defensively, the Johnsson clones man the top line and Rachunek and Markov fill out the other top positions. Special teams have been decent for the most part but not enough to make the difference. Marty Turco (2.20, .919) has been good and should be an uber-god in next year�s ratings.

(35-50-7-3). The Cho Cho train may have nearly derailed again after an invincible December/January period where they went 19-6-1, but Kaddy�s squad is still five full points ahead of Vancouver for the 8th and final seed in the West and seems to be parlaying Will�s and Erich�s naked Warfield pics into a ticket to the dance this postseason. Joe Thornton is the unequivocal leader of the team (24 goals) but a minor injury has shelved him at just the wrong time. Meanwhile, Konowalchuk (18), and Niedemayer (18) will have to step it up, as Bruce Gardiner�s presence at on the top line is, well, disturbing. Key defensemen are Mironov, Cross, Kuba and Boucher. The Stars have a respectable 11th-ranked offense, but 25th on defense isn�t getting the job done. Conversely, the power play blows, the penalty kill rules. Cujo�s bark is worse than his bite (2.47, .916).

(39-26-3-4).Tom Phillips took over a floundering team early in the year and is poised to overtake the division-leading Rangers and win the Atlantic Division. Anyone who�s played New Jersey knows how tough this squad is, with a defense that just won�t quit ( Jovanovski, Blake, Rathje, Housley, en route to a 6th-best ranking) and an offense led by Shane Doan (26 goals), Jason Arnott (19) and Michal Handzus (19). An annoyingly good power play (6th) is counterbalanced by an annoyingly bad (23rd) penalty kill, and � miracle of miracles � something French (the origin of Thibault�s name) being associated with the word �victory� (1.67, .933).

(31-28-13-1). I wonder if the Islanders would consider Gardiner an upgrade at top line right wing over Kelly Buchberger? How this team wins games whatsoever is a mystery, not to mention landing all the way at #17, but the Isles have hung around in the playoff hunt all season long and are still just four points out with a game in hand. Statistically, the offense is middle-of-the-pack at #16 and �features� Steve Heinze (21 goals) and the curiously underperforming Martin Straka (16). The defense has played solidly (7th) with Matthieu Schneider and a bunch of nobodies. Mike Dunham (2.41, .919) and Kevin Weekes split time between the pipes. I�ve had kidney stones with more talent than this team, but internet hockey-obsessed Keith Meade has already begun reshaping the club and doubtlessly will make a trade every four hours once the off-season begins.

(39-26-2-8). Mix two parts Kovalchuk (26 goals) and Drury (24), fold in Scott Stevens, Brian Rafalski, Ossi Vaananen and Alexei Zhitnik, dice Jose Theodore (2.44, .909), sprinkle in Simon Gagne, Todd Marchant, Patrick Marleau, Mark Savard, Mark Messier and Stephen Weiss, stir and heat for 75 games and you get an Atlantic Division-leading club. Such is the recipe Gregg undertook after tearing apart the team before last year, enduring a horrific year, then building a powerful team still on the rise. The 7th-ranked offense has carried the club, as the defense has been substandard at #22. Special teams have been solid at 4th and 13th, respectively. Whether or not this club can fend off the hard-charging Devils remains to be seen, but this much is certain: Gregg won�t just be playing with himself after the regular season.

(30-32-6-6). A mirror-image of the Panthers, the Senators had their season disrupted by Rob�s sporadic participation (rumor has it he was busy organizing Montreal�s annual �Gay Pride Parade� � just kidding there, Rob) and stand one point further back in the standings as of this writing. Two pretty nice lines have only helped Ottawa reach 19th in goals scored, with Elias (33) and Alfredsson (21) leading the way. The defense is the team�s real weakness, however, as guys like Reirden, Pilon, Hainsey and Helenius have logged way too many minutes this season, sinking the club to 24th overall in goals allowed. The power play is good (9th), the penalty kill horrific (25th), and Belfour has come through (2.19, .920) despite the swiss-cheese defense. Not quite flatline just yet, but the defibrillator is warming up.

(28-28-13-6). The Canuckleheads are still in the West playoff hunt as of this writing, five points out with seven games remaining. �Big game James� has to play naked-picture Will and then a western swing which includes a must-win game against Dallas. Jan Hlavac (23 goals), Petr Nedved (18) and Anson Carter (16) are the big guns, but the team has quietly built some scoring depth with Cory Stillman, Geoff Sanderson and Andrew Cassels also in the mix. However, the team ranks just 21st in goals scored. On defense, Kasparaitis, Duchesne, Salvador and Karpotsev have led the club to a respectable 14th ranking, and the power play and penalty kill are just 20th and 22nd, respectively. Chris Osgood (2.14, .928) has kept the team in a lot of 2-1 and 3-2 tussles.

(35-23-11-5). The Mallards are on a collision course for a first-round, all-Pacific match-up with the Los Angeles Kings if positions remain the same which, by all accounts, would be one hell of a series. Kevin�s recent real-life distractions have cost this team a bit, but don�t be fooled � Brendan Shanahan (29 goals), Eric Lindros (25) and company will be primed and ready for the playoffs. Oleg Tverdovsky, Mathieu Dandenault, and Vitaly Vishnevski lead the 13th-ranked defense, and Jamie Storr (1.92, .931) has been the slightly better netminder, splitting time with David Aebischer. Special teams have been ordinary most of the year. What do you get when you mix sexually-deviant Pimps with small, feathered waterfowl? You don�t wanna know.

(20-34-17-3). I wonder how Dave feels about the league�s settings this year? It�s patently obvious what doomed the Leafs to a second straight miserable year when their top scorer (Sundin, 20 goals) has fewer total points (40) than Samsonov and Bertuzzi have goals. The 24th-ranked offense isn�t a big surprise, given that Lecavalier (13), Mogilny (13) and Roberts (14) haven�t produced, but the 20th-ranked defense is, as Kaberle, Svehla, Eriksson and Marchment haven�t done enough to overcome the lack of offense. Even penalty killing, a Leafs trademark, has dropped to bottom-third in the league this year. Nabokov (2.28, .926) has been his usual self in net, at least. Expect some serious lobbying for more offense-friendly settings this offseason.

(20-39-12-3). Hovered near .500 through December as LaPorte�s new video card was being shipped to him by raft from Taiwan, but the bottom fell out in January which led to a feeding frenzy of trades as Adam Deadmarsh (L.A.), Radek Bonk (Minnesota), Deron Quint (Minnesota), Cory Stillman (Vancouver), Tommy Salo (Tampa Bay) and others were shipped away. The good news is that Stanislav Chistov, Justin Williams, Tomas Holmstrom, Brad Stuart and others (including numerous draft picks) remain to be built around. Philly just didn�t get it done in any statistical category this year, but should be a serious player this offseason with the assets they received in the fire sale. We need another Wade/Craig spat to liven things up around here.

(21-43-6-3). This time last year, the Avs were tuning up for the playoffs. This year, the blast wave is just beginning to dissipate after the team exploded on and off the ice. New GM Keith Kenny has his work cut out for him, mostly on defense, as 30th overall pretty much says everything. The names on the blue line aren�t that bad (Foote, McLaren, Klemm, Quintal) but clearly something needs to be done to shake things up. On offense, Ryan Smyth (29 goals), Keith Primeau (16) and Wes Walz (16) lead the way, with real-life stud Joe Sakic astoundingly only potting 12 goals so far this season. The goaltending numbers are just too painful to cite, so we�ll refrain from doing so. The fans in Denver, already ugly to begin with, are becoming downright granola and won�t put up with this much longer.

(24-34-12-4). Woof! The Coyotes have howled a little, licked themselves and sniffed some butts, but ultimately their bark was worse than their bite this year. Unfortunately, Steve Yzerman (16 goals) and Luc Robitaille (18) just aren�t enough firepower, as the team�s 27th-ranked offense would evidence. The 11th-ranked defense is better, led by Danny Markov, Eric Brewer, Jason Smith and Igor Ulanov. #2 on the penalty kill and #23 on the power play, Nero may have fiddled but Roman Cechmanek (2.06, .933) didn�t burn. There�s some youth to build around and it�s expected that the team will go even younger this offseason by jettisoning some of the nursing home types.

(32-30-7-3). Alex�s youth-movement Blues just keep hanging around, and if he finally decided to get serious he could overtake Dallas and sneak into the playoffs. As it stands, St. Louis is just six points out and has three games in hand, but the offense leaves the team more than a little blue, ranking 23rd in the league. The defense is much better, 9th overall, and special teams follow similar patterns. A smoking crater of a season as compared to last year�s Finals appearance, but Demitra (22 goals), Battaglia (22), Barnes (19) (not to mention Bondra) and company indicate that there is a core to work with, plus plenty of youth, and the defense of Ohlund, Matvichuk, Brisebois and Hill is rock-solid. Jussi Markkanen (1.98, .918) has been the surprise of the season for St. Louis and could walk away with the Calder trophy before it�s all said and done.

(18-39-14-2). The Commish�s exile to the hinterlands of remote Canadian wildnerness (no, not Montreal) sunk any chances of this team competing this year, as not ONE substitute GM was able to win one for the �skipper�. Brett�s ridiculous faith in 125-pound Jason Blake has finally been rewarded, not only here (18 goals) but in his real-life career year as well. A poor overall offense (26th) and a mediocre defense (19th) statistically (no one who�s played Brett would say that, however), the Sabres have some names in Gonchar, Delmore, Bombardir, Miller, Peca, Cole and Gratton, not to mention a guy in net (Brathwaite � 2.31, .910) that they�ve longed to replace since about three days after acquiring him. Look for improvement next season if the team can survive the annual hiatus.(18-39-14-2). The Commish�s exile to the hinterlands of remote Canadian wildnerness (no, not Montreal) sunk any chances of this team competing this year, as not ONE substitute GM was able to win one for the �skipper�. Brett�s ridiculous faith in 125-pound Jason Blake has finally been rewarded, not only here (18 goals) but in his real-life career year as well. A poor overall offense (26th) and a mediocre defense (19th) statistically (no one who�s played Brett would say that, however), the Sabres have some names in Gonchar, Delmore, Bombardir, Miller, Peca, Cole and Gratton, not to mention a guy in net (Brathwaite � 2.31, .910) that they�ve longed to replace since about three days after acquiring him. Look for improvement next season if the team can survive the annual hiatus.

(20-39-12-4). Lars must be acting inappropriately in his grave. The Pens haven�t been TOO bad offensively (18th) but that defense needs some serious re-working (29th). Aaron Ward, Willie Mitchell, Jiri Fischer and Bill Houlder are 5-6 types on most teams but the top four here. Offensively, no real stars but some scoring depth with Steve Thomas (16 goals), Scott Young (15), Joe Nieuwendyk (16) and Alexandre Daigle (14). You cannot say that Hnilicka (2.53, .920) has been great, but he has faced a ton of shots and his save percentage is more than respectable. Goody has some tools to work with � he heh heh, he said �tools�.

(10-48-14-2). Another good guy that has held up remarkably well despite a very tough season, Gary�s offense has been so dismal that it makes Chicago�s look good. There are more names on offense, though, with Craig Conroy (13 goals), Doug Weight (8), Ron Francis (7), Cliff Ronning (6), Sergei Brylin and a few others. The defense is probably the area that needs more work, as Martin Skoula is the only 80-rated defenseman on the club. The offense could self-correct if things fall together right in the offseason, so there is hope for improvement. Martin Brodeur (2.27, .932) has stopped pucks with every single body part you can think of as well as a few you�d rather not.

(15-45-8-5). Good-guy Mark really does deserve better. Always plays his games, subs whenever he�s asked, plays like it�s a real hockey game. The team needs a GM that can perform miracles, though, to improve the talent level, as evidenced by a top line (due in part to injuries) of Graves � Nikolishin � Kip Miller. Is God available? The defense has frequently-traded Chris Pronger to anchor it, along with Ken Klee, Rhett Warrener and David Tanabe. Tomas Vokoun (2.76, .906) has been a goalie under siege. Actually, there are trading assets to work with here, and it will be an interesting offseason for this franchise. The leading scorer is Adam Graves with 12 goals. �Nuff said.

(12-51-7-2). Obviously, it�s no fun slogging through the kind of season the Sharks have had over the past few years. The Sharks seem to be permanently rebuilding and lack talent on the big club right now, though there is some promising youth in the fold. Brian has steadfastly refused to part with Martin St. Louis (10 goals), though given his 33 goals in the NHL this season, it�s not hard to understand why. Nevertheless, at some point the rebuilding process needs to end and this club may just need to go for it in a splashy way to pick up some front-line talent. Lalime has been disappointing in net but has trade value. If Brian can agonize less over trade proposals and motivate himself a bit, expect this team to be one of the more active ones in the league this offseason.

The last stretch of the season is upon us. SOme teams are vying for a higher seed while some teams are trying to grab one of the final two spots. The season is coming to an end with the playoffs a few weeks away.

(39-17-13-4). Art imitating life, the relatively no-name Wild are once again poised to inflict damage in the western conference playoff picture. Jeremiah added the second-line centerman he needed to compete with some of the truly offensive (holding nose) West clubs when he landed Radek Bonk, although the team�s 3rd best goals scored ranking indicates that this team can put the biscuit in the basket. Paul Kariya (39 goals), Donald Audette (36) and Radek Dvorak (25) are the big three in the land of snow and �skeeters, with a middle-of-the-pack defense of Ben Clymer, Janne Laukkanen, Eric Weinrich and Richard Smelhik. Jer must have an old-goalie fettish, as this year�s editions are Tom Barasso and Ron Tugnutt. Heh heh heh � he said �bare ass� and �tug nut�.