OH, RYAN EPISODE #3

Ryan is outside taking out the garbage 

Neil- hello, ryan…taking out the garbage ?

Ryan- well, as a matter of fact I am ….Neil

Neil- I must say I find that quite humorous

Ryan- really..why is that 

Neil- well,..I’ve never seen garbage take out the garbage, before.

Neil laughs out loud

Ryan- yes..yes. that’s very funny NEIL…now how bout you give me back my hedge clippers 

Neil- hedge clippers? …well, I don’t have the faintest idea of what you could be talking about

Ryan- oh don’t play dumb with me NEIL… I know you stole my hedge clippers

Neil- Ryan, I am shocked! That you, my neighbor, would so casually lay blame on the first person to encounter your wrath…but you know something its not the callous disregard for my feelings that hurts the most...it’s the lack of trust

Ryan- what are you talking about?

Neil-what am I talking about?! You don’t remember that time we went white water rafting and I saved your life…and you called me your soul brother

Ryan- that never happened

Neil- yeah, well lets pretend that it did…are you willing to throw away a perfectly good lie like that, because of a pair of stolen hedge clippers…which by the way you have no proof I absconded with.

 pause

Ryan( like a shrew)- oh I think I do, Neil!… I saw you steal them from my garage , but of course this shouldn’t come as much of shock…seeing as how you saw me see you steal them from my garage!!!

Neil- well……so what if I did. It’s not like you deserved them…what with your personal landscaper

Ryan- what’s that suppose to mean?

Neil- oh, I don’t know just that… a sweet pair of ‘clips’ like those weren’t meant to gather dust, they were MEANT TO CLIP HEDGES! But oh, no you’re too good to clip your own hedges…you’ll just hire some whore to do it for you!!….  you know what really makes me sick, Ryan ...you don’t even have the decency to make them use your hedge clippers!!

Ryan –hey, they’re my hedges ..and I’ll let who ever I damn well please… clip them!

Neil- Oh….( walking away but still facing ryan)I’m sure you will…dick cheese!!

Ryan look – Angry and confused- discombobulated head  

Int. House

Ryan- And then he called me dick cheese!!

Burt nods oddly enough with great understanding and sympathy

Ryan- You know…I was willing to put this whole  hedge clipper thing behind us, but  after that dick cheese zinger  I don’t know what to think

Burt- well, I can’t say that I blame you…dick cheese is no laughing matter.. I had this cousin once,  had a terrible case of dick cheese ….you know I can’t help but think he was partly responsible

Ryan- why…because he had bad hygiene 
 
Burt- well that…and he had this nasty habit of not wearing any pants

Ryan- uhhhuck…that’s disgusting

Burt- yeah, well..it wouldn’t have been that  bad, but he had this other nasty habit of not wearing anything underneath the pants

Ryan give the disapproving/confused/aerie  look

Burt-anyways, you think that’s bad…guess what I got

Ryan –Actually, I’d rather not know… but I’m sure its nothing a little penicillin couldn’t clear up

Burt- nah man…I got no digs…my dad kicked me out of the house today

Ryan- really…why?

Burt- oh, we had an argument  (act snide) something about not pulling my weight or…not listening

Ryan- well, which was it

Burt- I don’t know I wasn’t listening

Ryan gives “well that makes sense” nod

Burt- and you know what the worst thing is…this means I’m going to have to get job!!

Ryan- you’re getting a job??

Burt- yup, it’s like my old uncle Al use to say “griftings fun, but it don’t pay the bills”

Ryan – what ...was he a fellow grifter?

Burt- no… brain surgeon, but…he had his hobbies

Ryan- jeez I can’t believe you’re getting a job…I mean you’ve never had a job

Burt- I had a paper route once

Ryan- no…that was me 

Burt- yeah, I know…sometimes I like to pretend I’m you (pause looks at ryan, having what could be mistaken as an honest moment) you know I’ve been getting some good vibes off that whole widower, single father thing you got going on here

Ryan- yes, well…its good to see my misfortune is helping your social life….but there seems to be a bigger issue here, exactly what job do you expect to get

Burt- what are you talking about?

Ryan- well,  you’ve never held down a real job…and you have little to no education.. I mean when you think about it, you’re about as qualified as Mikey

Burt- blasted, you’re right…my devil may care attitude has finally worked against me…oh, ryan you gotta help me… (put some beg into it) ahh please I’m beggin’ ryan..I’m beggin ya

Ryan (like a father)- hey…don’t worry about it little fella ..we’ll get you through this…..the first thing we need to do is figure out what your willing and able to do?

INT. Burt’s room

Ryan- hmm, looks like we covered most of the major vices…well, Burt …it appears you’d do just about anything for money

Burt- no...that can’t be right

Ryan- well, we’ve yet to tap into the humanly impossible. I’m sure somewhere in that infinite realm of immorality you’ll find something disagreeable

Burt- wait I got it…I wouldn’t kill for money

Ryan looks on list

Ryan- no, according to this list.. you would, in fact, kill for money

Burt- hmm, yes…I guess I could be capable of doing that… but only if I had a good reason…or that the money was such where I could forego said reason

Ryan nods along in contempt at the depths of Burt treachery 

Burt- write that  down.. (dictating statement) “ I will not kill for money, unless..”

Ryan keying along 

Ryan – unless it was a lot of money

Burt- yeah..yeah,  write that down

Ryan- I’m not writing that down

Burt- no really..its ok..write it down

Ryan- (assertive now) No, I’m not writing it down

Burt- (pauses)…fine… I’ll write it down myself

Burt walks up to Ryan and dry erase board

Burt- give me the marker

Ryan- no

Burt- ok, that’s funny..now, seriously  give me the marker

Reaches for marker ryan turns away

Ryan- No..i paid for it ..Its my marker

Burt- I’m not kidding, ryan..(escalating) give me the marker

Ryan- no

Tempers flare

Burt- Give it to me!

Ryan- NO!

Begin to wrestle in the havoc burt falls on dry erase board erasing half the list

Burt- oh..oh look what you did….you ruined it! You know how long it took me to write  that down

Ryan- what are you talking about I wrote the list down

 Burt- yeah…well,  now you ruined it …I hope your happy

Walks away

Ryan walks to Burt to apologies

Ryan- I’m sorry about the board

Burt- no…it’s not your fault. I fell on it on purpose

(ryan look- confusion –slow to understand with short leftward head turn)

Burt- Oh, I might as well face it…the only thing I’m good at is loafing around and mooching off other people

(realization)

Burt- OH GOD…its finally happened ..I’ve become Kato Kaelin! 

Ryan- Ahhh, Now you’re just being crazy!…if you’re so desperate for work, then  (pause)work for me

Burt- work for you?…as what?

Ryan- I don’t know…you could be my housekeeper...With my new job there’s never anyone around to clean up the place and helk you’re there half the time anyway

Burt- hey!… I’m only there half the time to make sure Mikey has proper supervision while you’re at work

Ryan- oh, really…then why is it you’re mostly at my house when Mikey’s in school

Burt- well, in case the school blows up or something…

Speaks in a solemn, lecturing manner/ from experience almost like Burt’s blown up a school before and warning of something equally terrible to come 

Ryan - believe me Ryan, you can never be too careful about those sort things

Ryan- yeah…well now you’ll have something else to do while you’re waiting for that to happen

Burt- (thinking) hmmm, housekeeping…yeah, yeah…I can dig it….

(ryan nods happily along)

Burt- you know this reminds of that show “Who’s the Boss?”… I’m the loveable, blue-collar housekeeper Tony and (very enthusiastic) you’re my waspy employer Angela!

Ryan- ( a little irritated &befuddled)  - Oh, why do I always have to play the girl?! 

Burt- because Ryan (nudges him on the shoulder) you’re the only one who’s got the legs to wear a dress!  

Ryan (giggling – looking over his shoulder at them) they are nice  aren’t they…

INT HOUSE 

MAID SCENE- playing Mr. SandMan

Ryan is asleep on the couch camera dollies out

Burt crosses behind wearing a maid bonnet with a feather duster

Walks up to picture of Mikey and ryan and he dusts it

Then walks up to mikey who’s standing with a happy blank look on his face

Burt chubs mikey cheeks then starts pulling it back and forth until mikey gets dizzy and stumbles away

Burt walks up to a sleeping ryan with a devilish grin and dusts ryan’s nose which make a “ringing” noise

Ryan sneezes with a “low horn” noise

Ryan has surprised and somewhat embarrassed look in his face he looks up at burt not know what he just did

Burt shakes his head disapprovingly, with false shame

Burt crosses as  camera dollies in  towards Ryan, who’s looking into camera with RYAN LOOK – head tilt  

EXT. House

Neil walks up to Ryan’s door he sees and looks around to see if anyones looking then steps in the antbed

Knocks on door

Ryan- what are you doing here

Neil- I came to apologize…I stole your hedge clippers. I had no right to do that and all I can say is… that I am sorry

Ryan thinks it over

Ryan-(suspicious but, inclined to believe Neil) hmm… so where are they

Neil give Ryan a look of confusion (like he doesn’t get what ryan is alluding to)

Ryan- my hedge clippers??

Neil- ohh…I’m not giving them back to you. I’m just here to apologize for stealing them

Now ryan is confused and irritable 

Ryan- what!

Neil- right now you’re probably feeling very frustrated…angry even. That’s completely understandable…I stole from you. It was wrong …and once again, I’m sorry

Ryan- well,…if you’re so sorry why don’t you return my hedge clippers!

Neil laughs aloud

Neil- hahahah…(returns to normal conversation mode) I’m not that sorry. 

 (looks around appears to be middle of the day )  

Neil – well, its getting late I better get going

Neil turns immediately then walks away

Ryan walks out o door watches Neil leave as he stands in his walkway he looks down and sees antbed

Ryan- (irrated, yelling out) Hey, did you step in my antbed!!

EXT. Front Yard

Mikey running through sprinkler happily giggling  

Ryan is in his driveway with a leafblower blowing leaves away

Two kids walk by stop joke with one another and start chukling

Ryan turns off leaf blower puts up safety goggles 

Ryan- may I ask what’s so funny?

Kid1 – Oh, we were just noticing how good you are at that (referring to the blowing of the leaves)

Ryan not really getting looks down sees leaf blower and understands they’re riffing on him

Kid2 – ( riffing) yeah…you can blow my driveway anytime you want!

Kids 1 and Kid 2 laugh in ryan’s face then give each other a high five
 
( pissed off acting like a store clerk to a bunch of loitering kids)

Ryan – yeah, yeah…get out of here.. scram you punks! And if I see you(s) two around here again I swear to god I’ll cut you…

(now quiet enraged)

Ryan -  I WILL CUT YOU TILL YOU’RE DEAD!!

Burt walks up to ryan with drink cup in hand slurps which signals his presence

Ryan- you know ever since the word got out that Neil stole my hedge clippers, I’ve lost all standing… I used to be (yells aloud to outside world) feared in this community!

After ryan regains some of his composure he sees Jack nextdoor happily trimming his bushes with ryan’s clippers

Ryan- (with utter contempt) Oh, Look how smug he is! You know this for my benefit

Burt- Oh, I don’t know maybe he’s really came outside to trim the hedges

Ryan- FIVE DAYS IN A ROW?! No, I don’t think so… (as if he’s seen through Neil’s cunning) by the fourth day I started to get suspicious, but now ..Ha!.. ( with scathing contempt) now its just obvious 

Burt- So what are you going to do about it

Ryan- what can I do.. he has my hedge clippers

Burt- And your just going to let him get away with it?

Ryan – well, it’s not as if I’m doing nothing… I mean I am complaining

Burt- well, did you ever think of going over there and taking your hedge clippers back

Ryan- (crafty) stealing my own property?…hmmm, that’s just crazy enough to work!

Ryan acts very erratic

Ryan- This is going to require careful deliberation…I’m going to need a map of Europe …(looks to Burt in an ordering fashion) Pre-World War 2!

Burt- why, do you need a map of Europ…

Ryan- quiet!!… It’s not safe to talk here

Looking around very paranoid but with that kind of calm, crazy disposition

Ryan- ohh, he’s listening (chuckles with a tinge of insanity…sounding a little like yoda here)  he’s listening…

Comes back from reality but still very much insane just not as paranoid

Ryan- unfortunately, I have to go to work… Take this!

(hands Burt leaf blower)

Ryan- And make sure he doesn’t steal it too… I’ll be damned if that bastard takes all my lawn equipment!

Int Office

Alex- Ryan,..you’re job…

Ryan interrupts with a joke

Ryan- (lightheartedly)- if I choose to accept it

 Alex doesn’t laugh... Ryan still with a smile on his face

Ryan- that’s from mission impossible… 

jovial nature dwindles down\ speaking low and more precipitously

Ryan -…except…you said job…(inhales) instead of mission 

(cuts himself off but with a little pause)

Ryan – (apologetic/ wow that’s surprising)  I’m sorry

Alex- just deliver this package to the address posted on it 

Hands Ryan package with address

Ryan- Sir, isn’t that what the post office is for

Alex- (makes retching noise) uhhhyuck ….let some stranger handle my package...that’s 
perverse!

Ryan- well, I guess when you put it that way…,so who am I delivering this to

Alex- oh…he’s a… personal investigator

Ryan- wow, a Personal Investigator!

Ryan has dream sequence about being a personal investigator

Magnum PI opener

Alex-(SHouTING)  Ryan!…

Alex- (act like you a little sickened) what were you doing?

Ryan-Oh… (a little self-concious)I must have dozed off there for a sec…

Looks down then immediately looks up towards Alex

Ryan- Where are my pants?!

Alex seems very guarded as if he has something to hide

Alex- well,…are you sure you came in here with pants

Ryan- ( irate –don’t be afraid to over gesticulate your facial expression) yes,…I’m sure.. I don’t tend to forget a thing like that!

Looks hard at alex realizing what’s going on

Ryan- You took them didn’t you

Alex- (pause- speaking very frankly) Ryan, we could follow this conversation to its logical conclusion, but frankly I don’t think you really want to know what that may be

Ryan- (speaking sharply) fair enough…can I at least have my pants back?

Alex- I’m afraid I can’t do that

Ryan- (a little miffed/ feeling a little violated/ highpitch) hmmm…

Backtrack with boxer shorts on fro the waist down covering himself with package

Int House

Burt- ( trying to reassure) well, maybe you weren’t wearing pants

Ryan looks troubled

Burt- did I tell you about my cousin..

Ryan- yeah..yeah, your cousin with the dick cheese…I’m well informed of his pantless escapades

Burt- yeah..well it’s very common …You know in France they don’t wear pants…its against the religion

Ryan- France is not a religion

Burt- HA!…you tell that to Jacque (don’t use a French pronunciation but still over enunciate) coostau 

Ryan- what the hell are you talking about!

Burt- well, isn’t it obvious… (soft spoken) I’m talking about a man from France…who wears …no pants

Changing gears very excited

Burt-(this is very matt carpenter-esque the overwhelmed question statement)   And invented SCUBA?!.. ISN’t THAT INSANE!!

Ryan-  ( totally flabbergasted with excitedly slightly irritated tone) How Does your mind work?!…is it just random thoughts  or are you weaving them all together to some eventual point

Burt- Ryan, one doesn’t question genius… (say like wise man) one simply basks in it

Ryan- yeah…well, when one is done (ryan for the love of god don’t use quote signs) “basking” … he should probably start vacuuming up the place

Burt- don’t worry about that, buddy… (leans back—proud of  work\bragging) I vacuumed 10 minutes ago

Ryan- oh really…

Ryan picks up unopen bag  of chips opens it up and dumps contents on floor looks down at piles of chips then looks up at with mocking tone

Ryan-(using your famous Red Fox impression) Well, looks like you missed a spot

EXT. Downtown Ryanville

Ryan and Burt walking down the street towards drop off with PI

Ryan- hey I forgot to ask you..did you ever get that map of Europe

Burt- I didn’t realize I was suppose to

Ryan-Ahh, Dammit... now I’m going to have to come up with a whole new plan

Burt-well, what was your old plan about?

Ryan-well, (laughing at his cleverness) let’s just say it involved shaving… a monkey!

Burt- hmmm…yes that sounds like it was very promising…so tell me again why am I  tagging along on this little errand of yours 

Ryan- in case I need back up… come on, a simple package drop off… (Warily) no ..( little aggressive) its too easy!

Burt- well,…did you look to see what was in it

Ryan- (pauses)…I never really thought of that

Ryan stops and opens package

Ryan- wha-what the heck is this…old copies of mad magazine?

Man in hat in sunglasses walks up to ryan

PI- You’re not suppose to be looking at that

Ryan looks up

Ryan-oh…. (guardedly ) Are you the Private Investigator?

PI- (very diffident) I don’t know…who’s asking

Ryan- (little confused and not sure what he asking) ..me?

PI – well, in that case…yes

Ryan- ok

Ryan hands PI package

PI- ( buoyantly) thanks

PI walks away

Ryan- well, now that.. that’s taken care of I can focus my attention  back on this whole hedge clipper situation

Burt- Let me ask you something…if and when you do get your hedge clippers back… do you plan on using them

Ryan – no…not really

Burt- then why do you care who has them?

Ryan- It’s the principle! I mean People taking other people’s stuff with a total impertinence for personal ownership… really …what it is that?

Burt- I think its called stealing

Burt- you’re right it is stealing … and I’m not going to stand for it!

Burt- good for you…what should it matter that you have no use for it

Ryan- yeah!..they’re my hedge clippers if I don’t want to use them… that’s my prerogative

Burt- (very upbeat and supportive about it) exactly, it’s like buying a bag of groceries then throwing it away just for the fun of it

Ryan – Hey…if I can’t live in excess_____ I don’t want to live!

Burt- Damn Skippy

Two walk off camera

INT MIKEY’S ROOM

Mikey is playing “power rangers” with a Pink Power Ranger and a Barbie

Mikey- (holding a Barbie)- Hey Pink Power Ranger you want to go to the malt shop to get a milk shake?

Mikey(holding Pink Power Ranger)- (flirtatious) Oh, I’ll give you a milk shake

Barbie- Hey, don’t get fresh with me Pink Power Ranger 

Pink Power Ranger- (salaciously)   you know you want it

Barbie- but Pink Power Ranger you’re a girl

Pink Power Ranger-(loud whisper) shhh…nobodies gotta know

Mikey has the two toys make out with one another

Ryan walks into Mikey’s

Ryan- hey, Mikey what are you doing 

Mikey- oh nothing…just playing Power Rangers that’s all

Ryan- with a Barbie doll?

Mikey-(withholding)  uhhh….yesss

Burt walks in

Burt- hey Ryan Mikey’s school sent this letter , you’ve got a meeting with his councilor tomorrow

Ryan-  this isn’t addressed to you?..Why are you opening my mail??

Burt (shrugging shoulders)- I dunno….

Burt eyes light up when he sees Mikey’s toys

Burt- Hey, is that the Pink Power Ranger!!

Kneels downs and plays with Mikey’s toys

INT Councilors Office

Ryan walks into Councilors office and sees Eleanor 

Ryan – Eleanor!.. you’re the school guidance councilor…what happen to the talent agency?

Eleanor- well…after that riot at the children symposium business got a little slow, but that’s all in the past …I’m a guidance councilor now and I think you’ll find my advice to be just as sound as the next

Ryan- oh, of course…

Eleanor-well, I guess we should get right to it then…. 

Eleanor give ryan a very fake guidance councilor smile( think of Mr Creamer) gets Mikey’s folder peruses it and starts speaking 

Eleanor –  Mikey … is what we call a slow learner

Ryan- slow…learner?

Eleanor- he’s stupid

Ryan is a little stunned

Ryan- wha-what do you mean…stupid

Eleanor – well…your son reads at a ...preschool level

Ryan- preschool?

(answer almost before ryan finishes)

Eleanor- he can’t read

Ryan looks at councilor with a tentative glance

Ryan- well… what do you suggest we do

Eleanor- well, in the old days they’d just separate students like mikey from the rest of the flock…you know, so their stupidity wouldn’t infect others, but nowadays people are so sensitive to that whole disaffected youth thing …(jokingly)I mean  (chuckling) No one wants another Columbine

Ryan- Should I be worried? 

Eleanor-not unless you own a gun

Eleanor starts laughing

Eleanor- I’m kidding..I’m kidding (to herself)..not really

Ryan looks on

Eleanor- (totally off the cuff) seriously though…have you considered adoption?

Ryan- ( a little annoyed) Is this the kind of advice you give the other parents?

Eleanor- no…usually I just stare at them till they leave…but getting back to this whole adoption issue…. Now I’m sorry if I came off as a little crass, it wasn’t my intention to offend you in anyway, but before you go dismissing what potential suggestion as some puerile joke at your expense… realize a year from now you could be sitting here thanking me for helping you get rid of that dead weight you call a son.

Ryan- I’m not putting Mikey up for adoption , ok…so let’s just drop it

Eleanor- hey, hey…no one saying you can’t make a little money here…I mean if adoptions not your thing, I know this guy in the park who sells nine year old Asian boys by the gaggle… granted Mikeys no Asian, but a little duct tape and a lot of imagination … you’d be amazed at what they can pull off these days

Ryan (standing up immediately) – Ok... I think I’ve heard enough

Eleanor- Hey, maybe I’m being a silly Suzy here…but you seem upset

Ryan- (irate) yeah, well that might be seeing as how  I’ve reached the point  where I’m actually considering selling my boy on the black-market!

Eleanor- wow...really, I was just making that up 

Ryan- (serious) Oh (on verge tears) god…ever since my wife passed…I..I just find myself feeling so sad and…lonely 

Eleanor- Ryan, I’m a guidance councilor …don’t lie to me…now obviously something is bothering but come on mourning your wife’s death? (rhetorical)Isn’t that a little played out ?

Ryan hesitates for a moment then breaks down and admits what’s really bothering him

Ryan- Ahh jeez…... if you must know its my next door neighbor..alright! He stole my hedge clippers

Eleanor- That bastard!

Ryan becomes really emotional

Ryan- you know…I never knew how much they meant to me until they were gone… now I’m left with this lump in my throat … pushing into my trachea… like a clenched fist!!…

Lets a loud exhaling breathe grabbing at his throat in frustration 

Ryan- god...what is that!

Eleanor walks up to ryan put her hand on his shoulder 

Eleanor- Ryan…that’s love.

INT. Ryan’s House

Burt- Elenore…what are you doing here

Elenore- Ryan told me about his stolen hedge clippers and I think I might I have a plan that can solve this most unfortunate debacles 

Burt- Hey , Elenore if you wanted a piece of  the ol’ Burt  pie…you just had to ask

Elenore- what?

Ryan- nevermind that…what’s your plan

Elenore- well, since Neil’s  Indian..

Ryan- he’s a Native American?…wow, that explains so much

 Eleanor – yes, well considering his ethnicity I figure Burt can show him these bongo drums…the second he takes a look at them he’ll just have to play ‘em… and while he’s distracted you (ryan) and I will go get the hedgeclippers

Ryan nods happily to plan, Burt seems unconvinced

Burt- Ok first..those are Tablas not bongos and…aren’t we being a little presumptuous here in thinking he’ll even be interested in playing them?

Eleanor and Ryan stare blankly at Burt not comprehending what he’s just said

Eleanor- There’s no time for your mind game!! JUST DO IT!!!! (thrusts the tables into Burts hands)

Burt steps back and turns speaking to himself

Burt- wow, I don’t know whether to be intimidated…or turned on

Eleanor- (quickly yells his name off camera)- Burt!

Eleanor shoos him to go away and get on with it

Burt- (oo sound) ooh,  turned on !

EXT Neil’s garage

Burt- Heya Neil ..Whats up

Neil – hey, Burt…what do you got there ..a tabla?

Burt- (pretend naïveté)  Is that what  this is?…I tell ya I found it on the sidewalk and  I was like “whoa!”…”what in the hell is this that?”

(pauses and then looks with an innocently devilish grin) 

Burt- …you don’t know how to play it do you?

Neil – well, of course…I’m Indian and all Indian people know how to play a tabla

Neil plays a mean Tabla solo

Burt- (when solo is done) Wow…that was something!…you know any other tunes ?

Neil (feigning humility)- oh, I don’t know.. I might know something…

Goes right into an even meaner solo

Ryan and Julie sneak behind Neil and Burt to get hedge clippers when they do Ryan gives Burt the A-ok sign

Burt grins and nods

Neil – Boy, I’m Tabla’d out…

(looks up at Burt and notices Burt  grinning)

Neil- hey, what are you looking at (stands up)..wait second…where are my hedge clippers?!

Turns to Burt

Burt- hedge clippers...eh...what hedge clippers?

Neil- ( slowly walks towards) this was just some elaborate plot to take back the hedge clippers wasn’t it

Burt- You look mad.. I should probably go now.

Neil- no…wait… I’m in a fragile state here, so please bear with me ...

Burt nods fretfully 

Neil- see this Burt (pulls out a gun) some people call it a gun… I prefer to think of it as a problem solver

Burt is totally petrified

Neil – And when there’s a problem 

Aims gun towards Burt camera zooms into Neil’s face

Neil - You better believe… I’m going to solve it

EXT STREET

Neil is holding Burt in a strangle hold with a gun to his head

Neil - Oh, Ryan.. .you’re good, but not good enough and now I’m going to have to shoot your friend, Burt…right in the HEAD!!

Ryan- hey, come on ..let’s talk about this

Neil- Oh, Shut up …the time for talk is OVER!! (throws Burt with the other three) I hate the whole lot of you!!!

Neil- So why kill one of you…when I can get rid of all three!! 

Neil laughs maniacally  

Neil- Try as you might ..YOU’ll NEVER WIN…NEVER!! NEVER!!!!! AHHH

Car screeches and runs over Neil then drives away

Ryan- hmm… call me a monkey’s uncle but I’ll be damned if that’s not the same Subaru Forester that ran over and killed Nathaniel Hawthorne…hmmm you don’t suppose?

Eleanor – that there’s a psychopathic serial killer driver who runs over people of Indian decent that share a striking likeness to one another?

Ryan- yeah

Eleanor- No, I’m sure its just a coincidence

Ryan- hmm

Three stand there from long wide shot looking at what are presumably the remnants of NEIL

INT Ryan House

Ryan- thanks for helping me get my hedge clippers back

Eleanor- oh, no problem Ryan…it’s a shame that a man had to die, but I guess you getting your hedge clippers back is the important thing …

(light friendly laughter looks down)

Eleanor- Ryan, did you just take my pants off?

Ryan lounging in chair

Ryan- maybe I did.. maybe I didn’t…the important thing is that there off

Eleanor looks complete bewildered 

Ryan- Now (slaps hands and begins to rubbing them together) where were we!

Stands up then slowly walks off camera towards where Eleanor is

Ryan-(flirtatious)  hey baby…what are you doing with that broom stick . nothing too kinky I hope (laughs like a sly dog)…

Ext shot of House

(changes to cautious then scared) 

Ryan - hey wwwait..that doesn’t go ther…AHHHHH!!!

Cue credits

The end