Jokes Arrow U

Condensed best jokes from the Reader's Digest

-»A compulsive gambler with a weakness for the horses decided to see a therapist and break his habit. After six visits the doctor showed the man some pictures to check his progress.
"Look at this and tell me what is missing," said the doctor, holding up a drawing of a headless horse.
"The jockey," replied the patient. (David McClean)

-»Before setting out on the Crusade, Richard the Lion-Heart summoned Sir Arthur, his most trusted knight. "If I don't return from the Holy Land," Richard said, "I want you to take this key to the queen's chastity belt and give her the freedom to marry again."
At dawn next day, Richard led the glittering column of knights out of the castle. They rode until noon, then halted for food and a quick rest. Someone spotted a lone horseman far away but drawing closer until he was recognized as Sir Arthur.
"Thank God I caught you, sire," he gasped as he reined in his steed. "You've given me the wrong key!" (Bill Kennedy)

-»Finishing their shopping, a couple find their car has been stolen. They report the theft at the closest police station, and an officer drives them back to the car park to complete his report.
To their amazement, the car has been returned and there's a note in it that says: "I apologize for taking your car. My wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's Shania Twain concert."
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attends the concert. But when they return home they find their house has been ransacked. Left for them is another note: "I have to put my kid through university somehow, don't I?" (Playboy)

-»An elderly man went to his doctor and asked, "Can you give me something to lower my sex drive?"
"But, surely, at your age it's all in the mind," said the physician.
"Yes," agreed the man. "That's why I want it lowered." (Michael Speed)

-»A painter had just finished working on a stately home. "If you ever want to sell this place will you let me know?" he said to the owner.
"Why?" sneered the owner. "You couldn't afford to buy it!"
"You haven't had my bill yet," replied the painter. (Roy Berry)

-»As a divorced mother, I am raising three children and work full time, and that is pretty much what makes up the real world for me.
I love my children and my job, and consider myself very fortunate. But everyone has that occasional fantasy, and one evening found me dancing into the kitchen as my 14-year-old daughter was doing the dinner dishes. The radio was on and, twirling around, I said, "I hope some day I can marry a man who loves to dance."
Looking over her shoulder, my daughter deadpanned, "couldn't you make it a man who loves to do the dishes?" (Karen Warren)

-»The Tire Center had a young man behind the counter who asked me questions about my car when I checked it in. when he queried me on the color, I responded, "champagne," thinking of the manufacturer's description.
The man looked at me, bit his lip, stared out of the window at my car, then looked down at the form. Seconds ticked by. Thinking perhaps I had sounded too pretentious, I asked, "does beige sound better?"
He shrugged his shoulders and said, "I can't spell that either." (Debra Raymer)

-»Last winter I was laid up at home with the flu. My fiancée called and offered to come over, fix dinner and play nurse to me. I declined, not wanting to pass the flu on to her.
"OK, dear," she told me. "We'll wait till after we get married. Then we'll spend the rest of our lives making each other sick!" (Steve Pomerantz)

-»Even though he's in his thirties, my husband still has a baby face. I didn't think I was sensitive to comments about his looking younger until one night when we were out with some university-age friends.
After we ordered some drinks, the waitress asked my husband for ID. "Don't you want to see my ID too?" I asked indignantly.
"No," she replied. "You ordered a Coke." (Beverly Gallagher)

-»When I was a teenager, my dad caught me reading my elder sister's magazines. "Why are you reading that sissy magazine?" he asked.
"There's an article that tells women where to meet men," I replied, pointing to the magazine's cover. "I need to know where I'm supposed to be." (Steven Vaughn)

-»One morning, a six-year-old boy came to the ophthalmology surgery where I work to have his vision checked. He sat down and I turned off the lights. Then I switched on a projector that flashed the letters F, Z and B on a screen. I asked the boy what he saw.
Without hesitation he replied, "consonants." (Stephen Downing)

You can also send me your jokes via e-mail. Send them at [email protected].

C'est la vie

Breaking up is not really hard to do especially when you share the same major.

PSYCHOLOGY: "You're just using me as a substitute for your mother."

SOCIOLOGY: "I'm beginning to feel oppressed in this relationship."

PSYCHIATRY: "Sorry, you've become hazardous to my mental health."

THEATER: "Oh my God! I gave you my life, my body. And now you've betrayed me, you heartless jerk. It's all over."

BIOLOGY: "Goodbye-all you want is to get in my genes!"

PHYSICS: "Let's face it-what goes up must come down."

JOURNALISM: "Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of two weeks…"

BUSINESS: "We've been spending too much money together; it's cheaper to be apart."

COMMUNICATIONS: "I do not understand you anymore."

HISTORY: "I must confess that someone from the past has come back to reclaim me."

ARCHAELOGY: "I try to bury my past; you keep on digging it up."

GEOGRAPHY: "I'm sorry, I don't think this long-distance relationship will ever work."

ANATOMY: "I never liked your body anyway."

ECONOMICS: "Your demands are more than I can supply."

EDUCATION: "I want you to know that I have no any regrets; it was a learning experience."

COMPUTER ENGINEERING: "But your hard drive is more like a floppy."

ARCHITECTURE: "There just wasn't much to build on in the first place…"

ASTRONOMY: "I just realized I need some space…"

PHILOSOPHY: "If two people break up in a dorm and there's no one to witness the break up, are they really single?"

CHEMISTRY: "I don't feel the magic anymore!"

COUNSELING: "Guess what-you've got a problem, you need professional help."

MUSIC: "Our romance has gone off-key."

LAW: "It occurred to me that it would be a crime to let Shanen Doherty go…"

Something Interesting

Dream, they say, is an extension of our daily lives. What's happening to our daytime life will continue its journey at nighttime through our dreams. Some say it's a roadmap to the subconscious of our minds. Some would say dream has its meaning and everything that we see in our dreams could come into reality; some would strongly disagree, it could be real or just a fantasy, even serves as warn! Isn't it fascinating how dreams can turn into reality sometimes? We may have our own understanding about dreams, there is one truth that nobody can deny; all of us have experienced our most vivid dreams. Writers, artists and scientists often get great ideas from dreams to make a good outcome of what they're doing. Unbelievable but it sometimes helps solve problems.

Find out what your dream was about.

Rose--If she receives a bouquet of roses in the springtime she will find true love but if it is winter, her search will be fruitless. To see a rose bush in full foliage denotes a wedding in the family.

Yarn--To dream of yarn shows you will soon become the wife of a wealthy man

Dragonfly--If you dream that the dragonfly lands on your body then you will have excellent news from someone far away from home. If you see a dead dragonfly, then the news will be bad.

Face--To dream of a smiling face signifies pleasant new friends, experiences, and/or financial gains.

Water--Dreaming of clear water is a sign of great good luck and prosperity, a dream of muddy water foretells sadness or sorry for the dreamer through hearing of an illness or death of someone he/she knows well. Dirty water warns of unscrupulous people who would bring you to ruin.

Death--If you dream of death, it's a sign of a birth. If you dream of birth, it's a sign of death.

Falling--To dream of falling indicates a loss of emotional equilibrium or self-control. It may represent your insecurity, a lack of self-confidence, a fear of failure or an inability to cope up with a situation.

Garden--To see a vegetable garden in your dream symbolizes increased prosperity will come your way through diligence and care. It also suggests stability and inner growth. To see a flower garden in your dream foretells of tranquility, comfort, true love and happy home in your future. To see a sparse, weed-infested garden denotes that you have neglected your spiritual needs.

Killing--If you dreamed of killing someone, whether intentionally or by accident, it signifies a period of severe emotional stress during which you must make a heroic effort to control your temper.

Marriage--Dreaming of a marriage, or a wedding, is the sign of a death in the family. If the marriage was between strangers, then the death pertains to a not too close acquaintance or friend.

Ocean--If you are far out on the ocean and hear the waves as they lap against the hull of the ship, you will have setbacks in your business and a troubled domestic scene.

Running--It is a sign of big change in your life.

Snakes--To see a lone snake and feel threatened by it shows that you have a bad enemy that is working against you, it also a warning against bodily harm from an enemy. Should you overcome and kill a threatening snake in your dream shows that you will overcome your adversary and win out.

Teeth--To dream of rotten teeth shows that you have been telling someone a lie or using your smooth words for getting your own way. If your teeth are rotten, crooked, and/or falling out, this means that your lies are hurting someone very badly and that you will soon be found out. If you dream you have swallowed a tooth you will soon have to "eat your words".

Fun Quiz Fun

Can you do these? Try them.

1. How many pieces can you divide this circle into, by drawing four straight lines?

2. Can you pick up three matches with a fourth one-all at the same time?

3. The Francias moved into a new apartment which had only one drawback: there was too much glare from the window in their den. But finally they found a solution to their problem and made half the window opaque, without changing the window's measurements. The window was 4.2 feet high and 2.8 feet wide and remained 4.2 feet high and 2.8 feet wide. How was this accomplished?

Fun Quiz Fun II

Try to answer the following mind-baffling questions.

1. A farmer plucked nine ears of corn and threw them aside into a box. A field mouse found this little store and visited it daily; but, strangely enough, although the mouse brought three ears out of the box each day, it took it nine days to remove all the corn. Why?

1. A farmer plucked nine ears of corn and threw them aside into a box. A field mouse found this little store and visited it daily; but, strangely enough, although the mouse brought three ears out of the box each day, it took it nine days to remove all the corn. Why? 58

2. The dela Cruzes are very gregarious clan and get together for a picnic every summer. Of course, not everyone makes it each time but at their last family reunion there were one grandmother, one grandfather, two fathers, two mothers, four children, three grandchildren, one brother, two sisters, two sons, two daughters, one father-in-law, one mother-in-law, and one daughter-in-law: seven people, in all. Did you count 23? Better try again.

3. Eight teenagers divided 32 mangoes among themselves as follows: Ana got one, Beth took two, Kate three, and Doray four. Ed Morales took as many as his sister, Fred Baltazar twice as many as his sister, George Blasco three times as many as his, and Jack Ricafort four times as many as his. What were the full names of the girls?

4. The wise men of Acacia, famed for their eccentric blunders, once undertook the management of a school. They arranged their establishment in the form of a square divided into 9 rooms. A playground was in the center, and 24 boys occupied the rooms around it, 3 in each room. The Acacieros had established a very strict curfew and meant to enforce it. The first time they checked they found all well: 3 boys in every room, or 9 in a row. Then 4 boys went out, but when the Acacieros checked again, they counted 9 on each side and thought all was in order. The 4 boys then came back, bringing 4 friends, but so arranged themselves that on the third inspection round there were still 9 boys on each side. Four more boys were then sneaked in, but on the fourth inspection tour the wise men again found 9 on each side of the dormitory and decided their strictness had been unnecessary and went to bed. After studying the diagram given here of the original distribution of the boys, can you figure out how they managed their deceptions?

5. Have you ever lost track of time and even forgotten what day of the week it was? It happened to Annie Batumbakal recently so she turned to her companion and asked him. She didn't find his answer immediately useful but by the time she figured it out, it was the next day and she had to get up to go to work so she knew what day of the week that was anyway. Can you give out the answer she received: "When the day after tomorrow is yesterday, today will be as far from Sunday as today was from Sunday when the day was before yesterday was tomorrow."

ANSWERS

Kalayaan Nook

Identify the Fist Floor Boy who is known for each of the following words or phrases.

1) He is the "thing called [coño]"

2) "Ku-an"

3) Sporty philosopher

4) Puto-Bizkit Boy/ Lolo

5) "Bakit Ngayon Ka Lang?"/ "I love you Baby ko!"

6) Jude-let

7) As white as snow

8) "Answer the phone…"/ "Mananagot ka kay Ma'am Tirona!"

9) "On the wings of love…"/ "Uh-sa!"

10) Brushing one's teeth is a private thing

11) "Wala ka sa [lolo ko]."/ "Kung hari ka sa inyo…"

12) "No! Bakit kayo ganyan? Masama yan."/ "Yan naman ang wasto!"/ "My mother said…"

13) "O ano ba?"

14) Shelter niya ang first floor; Home niya ang second floor

15) "There are faces which destroy my day"/ Tissue King

16) Portrayed the song "Shout for Joy" by dancing "Tatarin"

17) Osama?

18) Makulit talaga siya at "magaan ang kamay (?)"

19) Umalohokan ng Unang Palapag

20) Basketball Superstar wins the Sports Comm Head

More than just a Quiz

Here's a brand new game for you to play. By the way, do you have any idea about the meaning of the title? It's a Latin phrase, which literally means "here and everywhere." Since we will be going from one point of information to another, I believe the title suits the adventure you will soon apperceive. So come on! Play the game. Just follow the directions given in each item. Start right away at number 1.

1. What is the name of the lady who married herself?

2. Excellent! Now, it's time for number 11 question. Move on.

3. Wrong! Try again at 6.

4. What is the name of a church that is actually a floating one mounted on a flat boat?

5. Bad start. You're guessing wrongly. Slip back at 1.

6. In Equatorial Guinea, it was once against the law to name a baby

7. Nope! Try again at 4.

8. Exemplary beginning! Janet Downes of Bellevue, Nebraska, married herself in a ceremony attended by 200 guests! Now, swing to 4.

9. You'll shrink like "tiny girls". Back to 12.

10. Right! Ask Ripley's Believe It or Not® for the reason. I don't have it. Maybe it's just a part of their tradition. Now, move on to 12.

11. The average thundercloud holds how many drops?

12. What was the original title of Louisa May Alcott's novel "Little Women"?

13. Missed! Backtrack to 17.

14. Hurrah! You've got it right. Now make your way for 17.

15. Yippee! "Our Lady of the Sea," a church in Southport, Queensland, Australia, that seats 50 people, is actually a floating church mounted on a flat boat! Proceed to 6.

16. Wow! You did it again! Proceed to 18.

17. How many cables did telephone poles in New York City carry in 1903?

18. The icecap in Antarctica is as thick as how many Eiffel Towers, stacked one on top of the other, in some places?

37-Go to 24

15-Go to 21

19. No, he's not! Back to 22.

20. Sorry! Return to 11.

21. Yap! The icecap in Antarctica is 15,682 ft. thick in some places-equal to the height of 15 Eiffel Towers stacked one on top of the other. Proceed to 22.

22. Who became a bishop at the age of 3 years?

23. Oh, you guessed wrongly again. Back to 11.

24. Wrong! Back to 18.

25. What kind of animal drove a police car leading to the apprehension of a suspected bus hijacker?

26. Congratulations! You've just finished your first adventure in the world of general information. Anyway, if you've kept your forehead wrinkle-free, you probably had followed the fastest route through our adventure-only 18 steps (1-8-4-15-6-10-12-14-17-2-11-16-18-21-22-27-25-28). Until next time!

27. Very knowledgeable! Now take the number 25 question.

28. Right! Believe it or not, a squad car "driven" by a police dog knocked down a suspected bus hijacker, leading to his apprehension! Finally, have yourself rewarded at 26!

29. Wrong! Back to 25.

30. Nope! Back to 22.