Anonymous writes " A Man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly a sky clouded above his head, and in booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithgul to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish. " The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over any time i want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldy things... "Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that i could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing,' and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?" " Management Lessons Anonymous writes " A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate him. Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson Number TWO A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him! Management Lessons: 1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut! FUN: AAJ TAK SABSE TEJ CHANNEL varun1 writes "Aaj Tak gets the news that 100 sardars are killed in a train accident at Amritsar station. Only one sardar's left alive. The correspondent goes to him and asks, Sardarji how did it happen? Sardar: oh ji pucho mat.. sab kuch sahi tha sab log platform par khade gaadi ki wait kar rahe they. Achanak announcement hui ki shatabdee express 2 no. platform par aa rahi hai. Jaise hi sab ne suna ki gaddi PLATFORM PAR aa rahi hai, sab log apni jaan bachane ke liye patri par kood gaye. Aur tabhi gaddi patri par aa gayi. Aaj tak: Thank god. Aap ne samajhdari dikhayee. Aap patri par nahin koode. Sardar: oe nahin ji main to suicide karne ki iye patri par hi leta tha. Jaise hi announcement hui main to platform par chad gaya. Bill Gates was in India last year. He announced that Microsoft plans to release a Windows version in Hindi. Here are some of the Windows related terms that have been approved by Bill Gates to be used in the Hindi version of... Khidkiyan 2000: ( More appropriately Atyant Mulayam Khidkiyan 2000 ) Atyant Mulayam = Microsoft Khidki = Window Phaail = File Bachao = Save Aise Bachao = Save as Subko Bachao = Save All Mujhe Bachao = Help Madad Pe Madad = Help On Help Dhoondo = Find Firse Dhoondo = Find Again Hilao = Move Chaara = Options Bura sandesh yaa phail naam = Bad command or file name chhavo = Tile Aadmi Bhejo = Send Mail Daak = Mail Daakiya = Mailer Bhaago = Run Chhaapo = Print Dekh Ke Chhaapo = Print Preview Chipkao = Paste Khaas Chipkao = Paste Special Mitao = Delete Kagaz Uper = Page Up Kagaz Neeche = Page Down Anth = End Saaf karo = Clear Sab Kuch Saaf Karo = Clear All Makan = Home Topi Ka Tala = CapsLock Hathiyaar = Tools Khuli Chaadar = Spreadsheet Futaas Ki Goli Kha = Exit Ped = Tree Chooha = Mouse Chooha Chalak = Mouse Driver (Software) Tik-Tik Karo = Click Idhar-se-Udhar,Udhar-se-Idhar Wala Danda = Scrollbar Pardha = Screen Pardha Bachanewala = Screen Saver Krimi = Virus Tika = Anti Virus Karo = Do Galthi = Error Chabi Phalak = Key board Choohha Ka Bisthar = Mouse Pad Avaaz Phodney Wali Cheez = Sound Blaster Antarjatiya Jaal = InterNet Baath Cheeth Dabba = Dialog Box Chale? = Exit? A collection of gems - famous quotes by Navjot Singh Siddhu. 1. Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more than what they hide. 2. Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald. 3. This quote was made after Ganguly called Dravid for a run and midway senthim back and Dravid was runout in the third test against the WestIndies at Barbados. * Ganguly has thrown a drowning man both ends of the rope." 4. Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taxi meter. 5. That ball went so high it could have got an air hostess down with it. 6. There is light at the end of the tunnel for India, but it's that of an on coming train which will run them over. 7. Wickets are like wives - you never know which way they will turn! 8. He is like Indian three-wheeler which will suck a lot of diesel but cannot go beyond 30! 9. The Indians are going to beat the Kiwis! Let me tell you, my friend,that the Kiwi is the only bird in the whole world which does not have wings! 10. As uncomfortable as a bum on a porcupine. 11. The ball whizzes past like a bumble bee and the Indians are in the sea. 12. The Indians are finding the gaps like a pin in a haystack. 13. The pitch is as dead as a dodo. 14. Deep Dasgupta is as confused as a child is in a topless bar! 15. The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in Patiala..one falls and everything else falls! 16. Indian team without Sachin is like giving a Kiss without a Squeeze. 17. You cannot make Omlets without breaking the eggs. 18. Deep Dasgupta is not a Wicket Keeper, he is a goal keeper. He must be given a free transfer to Manchester United. 19. He will fight a rattlesnake and give it the first two bites too. 20. One, who doesn't throw the dice, can never expect to score a six. 21. This quote was made after Eddie Nichols, the third umpire, ruled Shivnarine Chanderpaul 'NOT OUT' in the second test at Port of Spain, T&T. " Eddie Nichols is a man who cannot find his own buttocks with his two hands. " 22. Anybody can pilot a ship when the sea is calm. 23. Nobody travels on the road to success without a puncture or two. 24. You got to choose between tightening your belt or losing your pants. 25. The cat with gloves catches no mice. 26. Age has been perfect fire extinguisher for flaming youth. 27. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg. 28. He is like a one-legged man in a bum kicking competition. 29. The third umpires should be changed as often as nappies and for the same reason. If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman If you don't, you are not a man If you praise her, she thinks you are lying If you don't, you are good for nothing If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp If you don't, you are not understanding If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy If you don't, you are a dull boy If you are jealous, she says it's bad If you don't, she thinks you do not love her If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her If you don't, she thinks you do not like her If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait If she is late, she says that's a girl's way If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time" If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls" If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics to impress If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring If you talk, she wants you to listen If you listen, she wants you to talk Gabbar sends Kaalia and his other two colleagues to Ramgad for collecting the 'loot-maar' software which he ordered. They reach Ramgad and start shouting: 'Abe ho thakur. Baahar nikal. Kaha hai wo loot-maar software jo hamne order kiya tha'. Dhaniya,an old man comes out with a floppy in his hand. Kaalia - 'Kya laye ho dhaniya' Dhaniya - 'Financial Accounting software hai sarkar' Kaalia - 'Suwar ke bacche. Ye bekar software hamare liye banaya aur woh loot - mar software kya apni beti ke baratiyon ke liye zip file mein chuppa rakha hai. Haraam zada.' Thakur comes out of his house with anger, saying 'Chillao mat kaalia. Jaakar gabbar se kah do ki Thakur Software walo ne paagal kutton ke liye software banana bund kar diya hai' Kaalia- 'Bahut garmi dikha rahe ho thakur. Koi naye programmers hire kiye hain kya' Thakur - 'Nazar utha kar dekh Kaalia tere sar par powerbuilder chal raha hai'. Kaalia lifts his head. He sees Viru (Dharmendra) working on a PC on one water tank and Jay (Amitabh) on another water tank, punching the keys of a Laptop. Kaalia starts laughing and says 'Haa Haa...Ye log programming karenge thakur.Haa haa.. inko to DOS commands bhi nahin aate. Suno ramgad ke vasiyon, thakur ne hijdon ki software company banayi hai' Veeru shouts 'Chup chap chala ja kaalia, ham log consultants hain, kuch bhi kar sakte hai' Jay hits some commands on his keyboard. Then says 'Jao kaalia gabbar se kahna ki uska server down ho gaya' Kaalia - 'Jaata hoon thakur. Agar gabbar ko pata chala ki Thakur Software services walon ne uska loot - maar software nahin banaya to wo poore network mein virus daal dega' At the GABBAR's den.. GABBAR: 'Kittnay bugs thay'? KALIA: 'Do sarkaar' GABBAR: 'Woh do! Aur tum teen. Phir bhee fix nahin kar sake? Kya soch kay aaye thay? Gabbar bahut khus hoga. Naya assignment dega, kyoon? Iski saja milegi.. Barobar milegi!' [ Snatches an X terminal from Sambha] 'Kitne sessions hain is machine mein?' Sambha: Chhay Sarkaar. GABBAR: 'Session chhay aur programmer teen. Bahoot nainsaafi hai. [logout.. logout.. logout...] Haan.. ab theek hai... Ab tera kyaa hoga kaalia'? KAALIA: 'Sarkaar, maine aapka code likha tha sarkar'? GABBAR: ' To aab documentation likh' !!! [LOGOUT.....] HI FOLKS......I DARE SAY, COW FOR THOUGHT, go ahead and read I can bet you'll forget your English by the time you finish reading this. This is a true essay written by a Bihari candidate at the UPSC (IAS) Examinations. Indian Cow HE IS THE COW. "The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed, And because he is female, he give milks, but will do so when he is got child. He is same like-God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilized for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement. Horses don't have any such attachment. What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, water man s and mankind generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species. Also his other motion.. gober is much useful to trees, plants as well as for making flat cakes (like Pizza) , in hand , and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass. His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards. He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohesive body, thereupon he gives hit with it. The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts . His eyes and nose are like his other relatives. This is the cow......." We was informed that the candidate passed the exam. He is now an IAS, he is Bihar in somewhere, sorry somewhere in Bihar -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nine Things that Piss Me Off - Adam Sandler: 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is? 2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick. 3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. 4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? 5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Ofcourse it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? 6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No ASSHOLE, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the friggin ceiling up there. 7. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"..... Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy? 8. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then it must not be the first one!! 9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole you fucking pulled me over!