������� When I think of Americans, I think of a balding, middle aged, obese male who likes his trucks big, his guns legal, his John Deere hat in camouflage, his steak blood red, and, most of all, his chicken fried. The obnoxious sports heroes, the fatty foods, Americans have their hands in many greasy endeavors. The greasiest thing I�ve seen in this world is the ever-expanding glob of American culture. It keeps spreading and spreading into all aspects of Canadian culture, and if we don�t stop it now, Canada will become the fifty-first state.

Canada will be assimilated by a country where the average citizen is much like Carl, the Propane Depot worker. Don�t believe me? Turn off Rosie and find out.

The first danger to Canadians is America�s love for the trailer. This single invention has brought their whole nation to explore the crevices of North America. Whoever thought of inventing a house on wheels probably ate paint chips as a child. But Americans don�t care. Thanks to the �mobile home,� Billy Bob and Betty Mae can now live with 150 other migrants in a wooded lot somewhere in the South of Kentucky, or Mexico, or in beautiful Quebec (Pass the poutine, Betty Mae). When they eventually decide to settle, they take off the wheels of their trailer, which makes it an immobile home.� Maybe the wheels are sold for money to buy propane from Carl.� Despite the dangers of tornados or the gusts created by Billy Bob passing gas on wiener-and-bean night, Americans continue to settle with trailers into land that is not their own.� I�m sure that KOA campgrounds mean �Keep Out Americans,� for these campgrounds seem to be the only place in Canada where we don�t run up to our new �neighbors� and offer them beaver pies and Maple Leaf bacon.

When we come bearing gifts, Americans only feel as though they are now allowed to hunt. Yes, unlike Canadians, Americans like to be able to hunt their own food. Nobody seems to have told them that you can buy food now in Canadian stores. I can�t see why getting all muddy in the woods around Toronto, chasing that one, lowly rabbit all day somehow became appealing. Why they must chase small, fast animals around Canadian wilderness is beyond me. Actually, it is not beyond me. They want to control our food supplies and kill our wildlife. If they really wanted to eat fresh meat so badly, I�m sure they would shop for live game at the local pet store.

Americans seem to also carry their guns around Canada �for protection.� Canadians are consequently too nice to ask Americans to leave weapons at home. In my home, Canada, nobody on the street has guns, so there is nobody to shoot you. But, Americans do like to bear arms.�� Utterly useless now because you are more likely to be killed by a runaway SUV than a highway bandit. Now that we let them parade their shotguns around, they will only bring back rocket launchers for next year�s visit. Canada was never safer.

�Big country needs big guns�- Billy Bob

The whole �Bigger is better� mentality spreads through all American ranks. This is the main reason why Canada is so appealing. Our country is huge! When they�re here �exploring,� they drive around their large trucks for hours, wasting large amounts of gasoline and then pay for a fill up with a couple of American quarters. Consequently, our fuel prices increase. This American greed will eventually force Canadians to drive around on mopeds, fueled by grass clippings.

While remarking about our primitive transportation when touring through Ontario, they might even find a remote restaurant an hour north of Toronto. While there, they will ask for the big steaks, the big buckets of fatty chicken, and super-sized anything. When I�m in a restaurant, I can always spot the Americans. They give the waitresses a hard time, ask if there is a buffet soon, and tip less. No, two quarters American is not equivalent to two dollars Canadian. Canadians will eventually be forced to make bacon strips so large that they could be used as floor mats, and water down our beer to serve in one gallon mugs to please our American patrons. Sorry, but I like my bacon strips small.

Speaking of small things, American media seems to come to mind as a possible solution to a large intelligence.� No, I don�t want to know if your teen pop stars get implants, nor do I want to see �revolutionary� movies in which the plot consists of boys and a girl getting lost in the woods...forgetting to bring the tripods. The television shows are not much better either.� The feeling I get when watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire is the equivalent of getting brain surgery without morphine, by a doctor that couldn�t draw a straight line with a ruler and pencil, much less a scalpel.� Not to be outdone for the award of Golden Grease, however, is that series Survivor.� Maybe when Rich, or whoever won that show is forty, he can try the real test of immunity - trying to stay below 300 pounds whilst finding the most important utility to pay with his welfare check. The sad part is that Canadians eat these programs up.� Not like we have much choice in the matter, when Americans own ninety percent of our stations and shows. They already control our airwaves, so what will stop them from controlling the country?

Our country needs to stand up to America.

Yes, America, home of the Big Mac and overpaid union workers.� Yes, America, where, for less than 10 dollars you take ten years off your life with a Bob Evans buffet dinner. I am not saying, though, that all Americans are trying to assimilate Canadians. But, an increasing number of them are traveling North for vacations.� We Canadians have to deal with them more than ever, and I am afraid that when our fine bartenders explain that some bars don�t serve Budweiser, they will be met with a shotgun to the gullet. I am also deathly afraid of Canada becoming the 51st state...which would definitely not help our culture, values, and gun laws much.

I have an opinion, and I am Canadian. There�s a lot to be said about people who know what they are, and I don�t think that Americans do know how greedy and forceful they really are.