Chapter 1

 

Life Sucks

 

      Once upon a time, there was a man named Jack.  He was a Quantum Physicist who worked as a professor at Cleveland University and, even though he liked his job very much, he did not like the people with whom he worked.  His co-workers would glue him to his chair, mock the ties he wore and tie his shoelaces together.  Many were the times that he found a “kick me” sign taped to his back, or come home from work full of bruises due to the infamous “hurtsdon’tit.”  Aside from the daily persecution, Jack’s life had been almost perfect; he had had a fulfilling career, a beautiful girlfriend and he had just bought a Playstation 2. 

      Jack had arrived at work, much as he always had, with the usual taunting and being pelted with various objects.  After making it through the hail of rotten eggs and wet toilet paper to the safety of his office, Jack allowed himself a moment to be grateful that it wasn’t winter when he would’ve been hit with ice balls.

      Looking at his watch, Jack saw that he had about an hour before he had to start his first class of the day and decided to get in a little game play.  However, when he opened the cabinet in which he stored his brand new game console, Jack found that someone had invaded his private stash of 128 bit guilty pleasures.  Jack vapor locked, dropping to his knees in front of the cabinet, his face the very picture of devastation. 

      Jack reached his hands into the cabinet and ran his fingers over the wreckage that was once a Playstation 2.  Bits of electronic gore and the shattered remains of game discs were spread throughout the cabinet; glue, glitter and cottage cheese completed the picture of this depraved violation.  Running blindly from the room, Jack suddenly found himself on the front steps of the Physics building screaming.

      “Nooo!!!!”  Jack wailed, his arms thrust into the air

      “I told you we shouldn’t have messed with his Playstation.”  A stereotypical stoner/college student said.

      “Whoa, dude.”  The equally stereotypical friend replied as the pair observed the emotional meltdown of the even more stereotypical nerdy college professor.  “You don’t think he’s armed, do you?”

      That was when Jack lost it completely.  They found him several hours later, naked atop a water tower singing the theme to Reading Rainbow at an elevated decibel.  It wasn’t until Jill, Jack's ever-faithful girlfriend, arrived that he was finally talked down.  After spending a few days in jail, during which time Jack was fired, and paying a hefty fine, the professor was released into Jill’s custody.

      That had happened six months ago. 

      Ever since that day, Jack had begun to seriously question the wisdom of his actions.   Especially now that he worked as a vacuum cleaner salesman.  He had gotten the job one week after quitting the University.  That was also when he had begun his downward spiral into depression.

      Soon Jack stopped going out socially, preferring instead to watch T.V. and play video games.  Between episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Farscape, Jack spent his time locked in his study pondering Quantum Theory and feverishly awaiting the release of the next Final Fantasy title.

      None of which was lost on Jill.

      One day, hoping to cheer him up, Jill had gone over to Jack's apartment to find him sobbing loudly in the corner and Rod Serling chain-smoking on the couch.  After calming Jack down to the point of the occasional sniffle, Jill convinced Jack to play a stimulating game of strip Trivial Pursuit.

      “Submitted for your approval: one Jack B. Knimble.  A brilliant man in the realm of Physics, a man revered for his intellect but feared for his controversial taste in ties.  Yet this complex man was reduced to the simplest form of life, that of a door-to-door salesman.  It could only happen here, in the Twilight Zone.”  Rod said to an imaginary audience.

      "Hey!" Jill snapped at the long-dead storyteller of the weird.  "Can't you see he's bummed-out enough without you rubbing it in?"

      "Huh? Oh, sorry."  Rod said, clearly startled at Jill's words. "You weren't supposed to be able to hear that."

      "By the way, smart people lose their jobs all the time.  It's called poor career management.  And, if you have to comment, at least go into the bathroom or something."

      "Right."  Rod said sheepishly, then left the room, leaving several cigarette butts mashed into the hardwood floor.

      Once Rod was gone, Jill went back to peering over her question card.

      “Which is the liquid?  Curds or Whey.” she asked, eyeing her half naked fiancé.

      “Pepper.” Jack answered, staring blankly at his hairy legs.

      At this point Jill would have said or asked him something of relevance but the author's mind was elsewhere (presumably reading up on copyright laws).  So, she was forced to come up with something on her own.

      "So...  How about them Browns?"  She asked, falling miserably short of the witty banter she desired.

      It was then the author returned her attention back to the task at hand.

      “Why aren't you paying attention to the questions?  Is it because you miss your job at the University?” Jill inquired.

      Jack seemed not to hear her questions.

      “Jack, your chest hair is on fire!”

      It was then that Jack came back to the present.

      “I knew that would get your attention.” she said,   “Jack, what's wrong?”

      “I'm a vacuum cleaner salesman and you ask what's wrong?”

      “Then why don't you quit?”

      “And do what, flip burgers for the rest of my life?  No thanks."

      “No, of course not.  You are a brilliant scientist, work on testing your theories of inter-dimensional travel.”

      “I can't,” he said striking a melodramatic pose, the back of his hand pressed against his forehead.  “No one would accept my theories.  They're too radical.  Too outlandish.  Too-”

      “Silly?” Jill offered.

      “Precisely.  No.  I must tough it out as a salesman.  Even though it's so depressing.” he said then started crying.

      “Oh darling, I will stand by you."  Jill said, joining in on the melodrama.  "Let me come with you to work and see the awful conditions you must endure.”

      “OK.” he said.

 

      When Jill picked Jack up the next morning, she could see that his mood was reflected in his subdued outfit.  Even his tie was a simple image of Bill Clinton smoking a cigar.

      Once they pulled into the parking lot of Jack's work, Jill could see why it depressed him so much.  As she stepped out of her car, Jill wondered what had possessed Jack to even turn in an application to a place like this.

      It was a horrendously decaying structure that seemed to pre-date building codes.  Yet, it was equipped with the most state-of-the-art security measures that made one wonder: why?  Considering that even the most elaborate systems cannot keep a burglar out if there is a hole in the wall.

      Although it was a hopelessly distressed building, it was so strangely clean that one could eat off the floor.  Though it was rare that one ever did, unless it was the security guards, or a drunken member of a wild office party.   

      They entered the building through a large, steel security door.  After the door had swung shut, the building around the hinges gave way, allowing the door fall to the ground.

      Jack turned to Jill and said, “Depressing, isn't it.”

      They continued through the complex, in a ceaseless effort to pad the story.

      All around them were monstrous machines that produced the vacuum cleaners that Jack sold.  Below the endless screams of people falling into their machines was the intermittent drone of machines working.  Consequently, most of the employees were professionals of the Custodial Arts. 

      Of those employees still alive that is.  So it was not surprising that seniority in the factory was gained quickly.  The mortality rate was at times higher than that of some small third world countries, so if you lived longer than two weeks you were considered an "old timer".  To compare the working conditions to that of a sweatshop would be unfair to the sweatshop industry.  Seeing as how sweatshops do not have annoying salesmen hanging around.

      The worst of this scourge was a rank individual known as Joe Bob Brooks, Jr.  Jack always thought of Joe as a Herb Tarlac clone because Joe always showed up to work clad in different fashion monstrosities; namely the tragic fabric twins, Poly and Ester- usually in an agonizing plaid. 

      Then there was Joe's unfortunate hair problem.  Joe was bald headed, though he wore a toupee (and a bad one to boot) to cover it up.  The unfortunate part was that Joe's hair still seemed to grow quite fully and thickly on every other part of his body.  At least that was what one of Jack's coworkers had told him, and Jack was quite content with just taking her word for it.

      Joe was the salesman in charge of training Jack in.  While Joe was a good salesman, he was hopelessly stupid, but of no real consequence since Joe buys the farm on page 7.

      Jill and Jack had walked into the employee lounge when they met up with Joe.

      “Jack!” Joe said in a most insincere tone.  “Are you ready to sell some vacuum cleaners?”

      “Oh yeah, I stayed up all night thinking about vacuum cleaners.” And how to get out of selling them.  He thought to himself.

      “And who's this tasty piece of bread?” Joe asked leering at Jill.

      “Joe, this is my Fiancée Jill.” Jack said in a very conscious effort to restrain himself from kicking Joe in his big, white backside.

      “Pleased to meet you Jill.” Joe said, licking the back of her hand.

      She promptly delivered a roundhouse kick that sent his head flying from his shoulders then told him how nice it was to meet him.

      After recovering his head, Joe told Jack that the sales manager wanted to see them in the research lab. 

 

      When the trio arrived at the lab, they were greeted by more useless state-of-the-art security measures.  After neglecting the fact that Jill did not have a guest pass, they were let into the lab.       

      As they entered, Jill noticed all the bright lights and loudly humming mainframes.  Although she suspected they were there mostly for show. 

      They were soon beckoned by the sales manager over to a table in the center of the lab.  On the table was an object covered by a large, white cheesecloth.  Jill noticed the object beneath the cloth looked like a souped-up vacuum cleaner.  Although the cloth was obviously there to hide the vacuum, she inquired about it anyway.

      “What's with the souped-up vacuum cleaner under the cheesecloth?” she inquired.  

      “This is the Quantum Suck Vacuum Cleaner.”  The scientist said, whipping off the cover.

      “Gasp!” they gasped.

      The scientist continued his monologue.  “Using Quantum Theory and a really cool slide-rule, we-”

      “Huh?” Joe grunted.

      Understanding his trainer's painfully obvious lack of mathematical knowledge, Jack responded for the scientist.

      “Really complicated math.”

      “Ohh.” Joe said as he searched the inside of his nose with his finger.

      “From what I understand,” the Sales Manager said.  “This is the most state-of-the-art, new-wave, multi-functional vacuum cleaner of the new millennium.”

      “That's a lot of hyphens.” Jill commented.

      “This is just a prototype though.”  The scientist resumed.  “We are still in the testing stage.  It works by transporting dirt into a parallel dimension.  Though, through testing, we found that it is still having a hard time picking up coins and marbles.”

      Jill walked over to the vacuum cleaner to get a closer look as the scientist continued to babble scientifically.  As the scientist talked, he sprinkled dirt onto a swatch of shag carpeting.

      “Ready?” The eager young scientist asked, noticeably salivating on the floor.  In fact, the puddle, that was now developing, caused the Sales Manager to lose his footing slightly.

      “Yeah, sure, I guess.” They all said.

      Except Jack, who was genuinely interested in the test.  He had been following the development of this particular vacuum model, ever since the nameless scientist had gotten drunk at one to the office parties and blabbed it to whoever would listen.

      Dramatically the scientist flipped the power switch, and suddenly...  nothing happened.

      “What happened?” Jack asked, as he rested his hand on the handle of the vacuum.

      “Nothing.” Joe answered, looking down the hose attachment of the misshapen cleaning apparatus  “Can we go now?”

      “Shut up!  What went wrong?” Jack asked.

      “I don't know.  Maybe it was a power surge, it might’ve blown a circuit, or maybe it’s the Quantum Singularity that we just had installed-" The scientist babbled

      “Or maybe it's not plugged in.” Jill said holding the power plug.  The scientist blushed and laughed stupidly.  Jill plugged it in and suddenly there was a bright flash.  When the smoke cleared all that was left was the Sales Manager, the scientist, three piles of clothes and a large furry thing lying on the floor.

      “Oh my god!  You turned them into a big dust bunny!”  The sales manager shrieked like a horror movie victim.

“No, that's just Joe's toupee.”  The scientist said.

      “Oh, right."  The manager answered, laughing stupidly.  "What happened to them?"

      "They probably got sucked into an alternate universe or something."  The scientist said blandly.  "I knew we shouldn't have rewired it.  Now we have to start from scratch.  Oh well, c'est la vie."

      After a few minutes of silence, the sales manager called dibs on Joe's plaid blazer.   

 

 

Chapter 2

 

 Quantum Leapfrogging

 Or

Where the Heck Are We?

 

      “Where are we?”  Jill asked looking around.  They had landed in a lightly forested area complete with twittering birds and a little girl in a red cape talking to a lone wolf. 

      (“So...  D'ya come here often?” The wolf asked.)

      “How should I know?” Jack said, thoroughly confused, not surprising, considering he had landed on his head. 

      “AHHHH!”  Joe screamed. “What happened to my clothes?!?”

      After throwing up at the sight of Joe's naked form, Jack examined Jill and himself to find that they were indeed nude. 

       He even looks like Herb Tarlec naked, Jack thought to himself.

      Yuck.  She doesn't shave anything.  Joe thought, completely ignoring the fact that he himself looked like an over-sized gerbil.

      As Jack and Joe wandered around thinking to themselves, Jill tried to figure out where they were.

      However, unbeknownst to them they were being watched, watched by a being that sent chills down the spine of even the bravest of men.  Something more frightening than Jurassic Park in the dark; more evil than Hollywood producers; more dreaded than a Star Trek sequel; more deadly than a Jack in the Box hamburger.

      This evil was known in many lands by many names, but was known by all as the Wicked Maalox.    

      Maalox's deviousness knew no boundaries, with the possible exception of bogus savings bonds but that is a whole other epic.  Maalox had not always been wicked, though.  There was a time when he had been a good and pious ruler, until that black day he was introduced to hallucinogenics.  It had been Ascorbic, The Acid Queen, that had presented him with his first magic mushroom and other such mind-altering substances.  After one of many bad acid trips, he awoke to find himself married to Ascorbic. 

      That was just the beginning though, because not much later Sulfuric, Ascorbic's mother, came to stay with them.  Immediately Maalox and Sulfuric got off on the wrong foot, mainly because Sulfuric actually tried to cut Maalox's feet off.  Maalox tried to be polite but things only got worse.  Soon "accidents" began happening.  One such instance found Maalox unexpectedly slumbering with several starved Badgers.  It seems that they had climbed in through a freshly chiseled hole in the castle wall.   

      Not long afterwards, a "guilt-ridden" Sulfuric committed suicide by stabbing herself in the back eight times with her freshly polished hunting knife collection.

      The remembrance of Sulfuric's unfortunate death brought a tear to Maalox's eye, mostly because he had not thought of it.

      An argument between the newcomers brought Maalox's attention back to the present. 

 

      “You're the scientist, why don't we have any clothes?” Joe demanded.

      “Well, maybe only organic matter could be transported.” Jack guessed.

      “What about the vacuum?” Jill asked.

      “Don't ask me, I'm not the one taking huge liberties with the Laws of Physics and alluding to myself all the time.  All I know is that Joe should be dead now-”

      “Well excuse me for being written!” Joe exclaimed.

      “And that if we're going to get anywhere with this plot line we need to get some clothes.”

      Just then, an arrow sailed though the air and implanted itself in Joe's head making him look like a certain stand-up comedian.

      “Oh my!” Joe squeaked then fell to the ground.

      Shortly afterward, a tall, thin man and his large friend stepped out from their hiding place.   Both were clad in forest green tights.

      “Did I not tell thee 'twas a man and not Sasquatch, Little John?” the tall one said.

      “Aye, Robin 'twas as thee said.  Here is thine shilling.”  The large one said.

      “Excuse me, can you tell us where we are?” Jill asked, eyeing the stranger's overly large family jewels.

      “'Tis the tights.” the tall one said to Jill.  “I am Robin Hood and this is my large friend John Little.  You are in the Pinesol Woods.  Who art thou?” Robin continued, eyeing Jill's large mammary glands.

      “'Tis the lack of clothing.” Jill said.

      “We art but weary travelers, and vacuum, who art in need of food and shelter for the night.” Jack replied.

      “And a couple of outfits would be nice.” Jill added.

      “OK.  Here ya go.” Robin answered handing them a large passel.  “Inside ye shall find clothing properly tailored, supplies and a sizable purse of coins. To the North there is a town with an Inn. ”

      “Why are you doing this?” Jack asked.

      “T'help the story along.  Duh!” 

      Then they were gone.  Rather than look a gift Hood in the mouth, they dressed and set out in search of a town and the next chapter.

 

 

Chapter 3

 

Filler & Stuff

 

      They reached the small town of Kenmore just before sunset.  Invisible fencing surrounded the bloated village; the Laurel and Hardy look-a-like sentries were fast asleep on the job. 

      I guess some things don’t change even across dimensions.  Jack thought, remembering the lax and incompetent security at the vacuum factory.

The path they had been following lead up to a sign that read simply:

 

Welcome to Kenmore

Front Gate

Not to be confused with the Back Gate, Hell's Gate,

 The Pearly Gates or The Starting Gate. 

This Property protected by Invisible Fencing

For your local dealer call: 555-RUNE

 

      Below the sign was a tray that held pamphlets, Jill grabbed one and began reading to herself. 

      “Let's find an Inn, dear.” Jack suggested, who had been carrying the vacuum for the last page and a half.  “I'm starved.”

      “I'm not surprised considering you threw-up what was left your breakfast an hour ago.” Jill said.  “I still can't believe you pulled that guy's finger.”

      “Please.  Don't remind me.  I'm going to have enough trouble sleeping tonight as it is.  Yick.” Jack said and shivered.

      “Well, the pamphlet says there's an Inn just that way.” she said pointing to the next paragraph.

      “Cool.”  

      They found the Inn with no problem; in fact, it was hard to miss.  Outside the tavern hung a large wooden sign with the images of a cow and knight with a sword.  The sword arm of the knight swung mechanically back and forth, impaling the bovine repeatedly.  With each successive jab the heifer received, it let out a sickening "Moo."

      “Well I'm hungry now.” Jill commented sardonically after viewing the mock slaughter.

      The Inn was bustling with inactivity.  From the outside, it looked filthy but inside it looked slightly cleaner.  Behind the front desk was a tall, dark figure dressed in light pastels.

      “We'd like a room please.” Jack said.

      “Sure,” the clerk said in a thick, low voice.  “Youse guys sign yer names here.” and placed a hotel register on the desk in front of them.

      Jack read some of the names: THUMBALINA, Mr. and Mrs. BIG BAD WOLF, and TIM MCVEIGH 

      To the register, he added: JACK AND JILL.

      “Say, that's a new one.” the clerk said.  “A room is two shillings a night.”

      Jack paid for the room and saw only six more coins at the bottom of the large coin purse.

      “Sizable purse indeed, that Robin Hood guy is a real cheapskate.” Jack said to No One In Particular.

      “Not as cheap as Friar Tuck.” said No One In Particular.

      “The room comes wit free eats.  The dinin' room's dat way.” the clerk said pointing toward a door with a Mr. Yuck sticker and a warning from the Health Department on it.

      They opened the door to find a quaint dining room with an Italian restaurant theme.  Small intimate tables with checkered tablecloths and candles in wine bottles sitting in the center of them.  On the stage at the far end of the room, a Spoken Word artist was doing a dramatic reading of “Girl’s Just Wanna Have Fun”.

      The only thing the Health Department would have a problem with, as far as Jack could see, were the six-foot cockroaches as the wait staff.  As one of the waiters entered the dining area Jill caught a glimpse into the kitchen and saw another reason the Health Department was miffed.  The cooks were giant rats.  Moreover, she thought she even saw a nametag.  Ben.

      “Well...  When in Rome...” she said shrugging her shoulders.

      They soon found an empty table, ordered and began talking. 

      “I can't believe the author forgot to give us shoes.” Jack said soaking his feet in his ice water, a plume of steam rising from the small glass.

      “I know.  She didn't even explain why this Maalox guy was watching us either.” Jill said waving the steam out of her face.

      Soon their waiter brought their orders over.  On the waiter's shirt was a pin that read: JUST SAY NO TO RAID.

      When they had finished, they went to their room and began trying to figure out how to get home.  After an hour of diddling with the Quantum Suck Vacuum Cleaner Jack figured out how they could get home.

      “I figured out how to get home!” Jack said.

      Jill, who had been reading the tourist ads, sat up excitedly and asked, “How?”

      “Flip it in reverse.” he said triumphantly.

      “Um, dear, I hate to burst your bubble, but there's no where to plug it in.” Jill said.

      “Well, where's that lamp plugged in?”

      “It's not plugged in.” Jill said lifting the lampshade.  Underneath they found a firefly hog-tied to a lamp stand.

      After bizarre activities including yogurt and hamsters, they slept. 

      Jack woke early the next morning and went out to find the stuff they would need to build their own power supply.  He spent the better part of ten minutes looking around when he decided to call it a day.  Retracing his last six steps back to the Inn, he went back to their room. 

      Opening the door he found Jill gagged and tied to the bed.

      “Not right now dear, I'm tired.” Jack said, who then felt the gentle tap of a baseball bat against the back of his skull.  “Look at the pretty stars.” he remarked then fell over unconscious.

 

      An unknown amount of time later, Jack was being shaken awake by the clerk.

      “Hey, wake up!  It's time to check out.”  The clerk rasped. 

      “Jack!” It was Jill shaking him now.  “They took the vacuum!”

      “Who?  Who took it?” Jack asked, wiping the drool from the side of his face.

      “Two big, B-movie goons in cheap henchmen get-ups.  They tied me up, sapped you and made off with the Quantum Suck.” Jill answered.

      “Youse guys gotta leave.  I didn't know youse was bein' followed by Maalox, so's you gotta leave.” the clerk badgered, hustling them out of the Inn.

      “Could you at least tell us which way they went?” Jack implored 

      After telling Jack and Jill which way Maalox's fortress was the clerk slammed the door in their faces and hung a sign in the window that read: GONE TRUFFLEING.

      “Well what are we going to do now?” Jill asked.

      Before Jack could answer, an old woman approached them and asked them if they were the ones that Maalox had been watching.

      “Are you the ones that Maalox has been watching?” she inquired.

      “Yes.” Jack answered.

      “Follow me.” the hag beckoned mysteriously.  She led them to a small shanty not far from the Inn.

      The outside appearance of the run down shack was deceptive for inside it appeared larger than a banquet hall.

      “'Tis the high ceiling,” the biddy remarked.  “Makes it look bigger than it truly is.”

      “Who are you and why have you brought us here?” Jill demanded.

      “Are you the Main Character?” the elderly wench asked.

      “No, I'm the Ever-Faithful Girlfriend.” Jill responded.  “But the way things have been going, I should be in charge.”

      “Well, excuse me!” Jack snapped.  “But I'm not the one writing these limp lines.  If it weren't for the author's sick sense of humor, we wouldn't be here.  I mean I could've been a dramatic Main Character.  But NOOO!  The author had to pick me for a Parody.” Jack lamented, and then began crying.

      “I thought women were supposed to be the weepy characters.” Jill said.

      “Quell thy anger and thy fears.  I have a solution for thine dilemma.” the prehistoric broad soothed.  Then, putting two fingers to her lips, whistled wetly.

      Wiping spittle from her eye, Jill saw two men come in from a room that had not been there a paragraph ago.  Just then, the ancient broad dramatically whipped off her outer garments to reveal the hourglass figure of a young woman. 

      “Holy stupid expressions Batman!” Jack said, utterly aghast. 

      After a round of twenty questions, all Jack and Jill managed to learn was that the woman was a dethroned princess.

      “I am Amana, true ruler of the land of Whirlpool and keeper of the sacred Microwave.  These are my loyal subjects, Sassoon and Vivitar.”  She said gesturing to the two men.  The men each in turn stepped forward and introduced themselves.

      “I am Sassoon, son of Schwinn the Swift.  I am the Court Wizard and Royal hairdresser.”  The first man said.  Sassoon was dressed in skintight jeans, and a white, ruffled blouse with a pink upside-down triangle pinned to his lapel.

      “And I am Vivitar, Son of Betamax the Outdated.  I am the Court Bodyguard and Captain of the Royal Guard.”  The second man said proudly.  Vivitar was dressed in the black, Karl Kani jean shorts, T-shirt, and vest uniform of the Whirlpool Royal Guard.  A stainless steel Ginsu sword hung from the sword belt buckled around his waist, and, Jill saw, he had multiple piercings in each ear and an eyebrow ring.

      “Some Captain,” Sassoon lisped.  “While the Royal Guard were off fighting Maalox's nasties this yutz was high-tailing it to the Anita Hills.”

      “Shut up!” Vivitar snapped.  “Or I'll split your head like an over-ripe melon.”

      “But you won't.” Sassoon baited.

      “And why's that?”

      “Because I'm the only one in the kingdom who knows what you like.” Sassoon cooed, playing with Vivitar’s chest hair.

      "Naw, I just keep you around 'cause you can cook."  Vivitar baited, making a kissy-face.

      "Maybe I'll just poison you then."

      "Go ahead, then I won't have to listen to you asking me if you look fat."

      Jill and Amana watched the exchange with a feeling of nausea.

      “Aren't they cute?” Jack asked.

      Amana and Jill shook their heads.

      Whatever floats your boat... Jill thought. 

      “Anyway!” Amana said loudly.

      When everyone returned their attention back to the princess, she resumed her narrative.

      “Maalox slew my father, Stephen the Bizarre, and has made several passes at me.  We three are the only surviving members of the Royal court of Whirlpool-"

      "That's 'cause you had them all executed."  Sassoon muttered so everyone could hear.

      "-And the sworn enemies of Maalox and all he stands for.”   Amana finished, glaring at Sassoon, her teeth clenched and nostrils flared.

      “What does he stand for?” Jack asked.

      “Cutting Welfare, keeping gays out of the military and increasing the price of parking meters.” Amana replied. 

      “Wait a minute, I gotta ask this before we go on. Your father is King Stephen?” Jill asked, just then getting the joke.

      “Yes.”

      “Who's your uncle Robert of Heinlien?” Jill asked chortling.

      “Then you know what I say is true!  Please we are in need of help to defeat this evil politician.” Amana pleaded in earnest.

      “Sure why not?” Jack said.

      Soon they were being outfitted with the best second-hand equipment that money could buy.  After being taught how to ride, Jack and Jill were each given a bull moose, weapons, armor, and a pin that read: MAALOX IS A JERK.

      They arrived at the edge of town to find the town's people waiting there.

      “How nice.  They're here to see us off.” Jack observed.

      “Then why do they have rocks?” Amana asked.  As soon as she asked, they began pelting the band with the stones, hitting Jack squarely on the noggin. 

      “Look, more stars.” he said, his eyes crossing, and then passed out.

 

      Jack woke to find himself next to a cheery campfire.

      “It's about time,” it was Vivitar.  “We were gonna roast you for dinner if you hadn't woken soon.”

      Jill brought him a plate of hoss and feffer, which he ate with relish.

      “Hey!  Save some relish for the rest of us!” Amana complained.

      Soon they had finished their meager dinner and drew lots for guard duty, with Jack drawing the short straw.

      After an uneventful night the company readied to depart from their campsite, all was quiet save the heavy breathing from a nearby rock formation.

      “Y'know,” Jill said breaking the near silence.  “As stories go this is a pretty dull one so far.  I mean we haven't even been attacked by other worldly critters yet.”

      As if on cue, a horde of savage Kremlins charged the unprepared camp.

      “Smooth move Exlax.” Vivitar observed, as he soiled himself.

      Expletives flew as the five fought the slathering multitude of Kremlins.  “Crap”, “Dang” and “Fiddlesticks” were just a few of the many sacrilegious pronouncements to be heard that day.

      “Who's the dead meat character?” Amana asked, praying that it was not she.

      “I think it's time for a strategic retreat.” Vivitar suggested, hacking at a particularly dead Kremlin.

      Soon they hastily retreated to the nearby haunted James Woods.  Conflicting rumors of the James Woods were widespread, including the rumor that the Woods were not really haunted but that it was just settling.  Despite this rumor, no one in his right mind would venture into the woods alone at night.  Even, as deranged as they were, the Kremlins stayed out of the Woods at all costs, even if they had to miss out on torturing small woodland creatures.

      The Kremlins stopped just at the edge of the woods, and spewed insults at the group.  One Kremlin made an uncalled for remark about the company's dubious lineage’s and dropped it's pants to reveal a particularly unpleasant hair problem.  Soon the Kremlins grew tired of this scene and left.

      “'Tis too great a risk to venture from the woods due to the Kremlin Menace.” Vivitar observed.

      “How very perceptive of you, dear.” Sassoon interjected.  “Tell me, were you born this observant or were you dropped down a well when you were young?”

      “Why I oughta-”

      “Stop thy bickering!” Amana interceded.  “We've much land to cover before nightfall.  And I'd really like to get out of these creepy woods by then!”

      Pressing deeper into the woods the band soon stumbled upon a grisly sight.

      “This bodes ill.” Sassoon said. 

      “What is it?” Jack asked.

      “A dead Healthcare plan.” Sassoon explained.  “And if I read these signs aright it was killed by a...”

      “By a what?” Jill prodded.

      “A Bi-Partisan Vote.”  Sassoon said solemnly, then, lightening his tone, “Who's up for Eye-spy?”

 

Chapter 4

 

Of Mice and

 Dangleberries

 

      After many hours journey they reached the edge of the James Woods and emerged into the land of Crest.

      “So, what do we do now?” Jill asked.

      “Now,” Amana said.  “We must locate the elusive Dangleberries.”

      “Who are they?” Jack asked.

      “A proud and willful tribe of migrant farmers that, for the right price, are going to be our army.”

      “I still think this is a bad idea your highness.” Vivitar asserted.

      “I didn't ask what you thought, now did I?” Amana snapped.  “And if you don't stop whining I'll bust you down to Mrs. so fast it'll make your girdle snap.”

      “How do you know they aren't already in league with Maalox?” Jill asked, pinching a spliff out between her thumb and forefinger, exhaling a giant cloud of smoke.

      “Because Maalox is against unionized workers and I'm offering them their own land if they'll join me.”

      "And she continues to dig..." Sassoon said under his breath.

      “That is indeed a generous offer.”  A voice intoned.  The group turned to see a man emerge from the James Woods.

      The man was clad in overalls, a work shirt and a straw hat perched on his head.  Though he wore stereotypical clothing, the man looked like he would be more at home on a daytime soap than in an alternate universe's backwoods.  Even his teeth were perfect, Jill saw.

      “Who art thou?” challenged Vivitar, retreating behind Sassoon.

      "Yes," Sassoon purred, stepping forward to get a closer look at the strapping young stud.  "What is your name?"

      “I am Curad, son of Lysol the Immaculate.”  He said bowing low.

      “I am Amana, daughter of Stephen the Bizarre.  I have heard many songs of thy Mother's legendary cleanliness.” Amana responded, with a graceless curtsy.

      “And I, of your Father's many strange tales of killer clown cars and pawnshop owning demons.” Curad returned.  “Is your proposition genuine?”

      “Yes, but only if you gather your fellow Dangleberries together under my banner and fight alongside us against Maalox.”

      Before Sassoon could say anything snide or condescending, Vivitar's hand flew up to cover the magician's mouth.

      “Even with our numbers we will not be enough to defeat Maalox.” Curad said solemnly.

      “Man, what a wet blanket!” Jill broke in, then to Amana.  “ If you don't mind-”

      “Oh, of course not.  Why should I mind, I mean I am only the princess.” Amana said, throwing her hands up in disgust.

      “Look, dude, no one said that we were going to be the only ones attacking the castle."

      "Dude?"  Amana asked.

      "Dude."  Jill shot back impatiently and then returned her attention to Curad.  "The way I see it we need a couple more exploitable- uh, I mean sympathetic armies, then we can kick some major tail.”

      "Hey, that's not bad."  Amana praised.  "How would you like to command the attack force?  And, if you do a good job, you could be the new General of my armies."

      "Hey!"  Vivitar snapped.

      "Relax Vivitar, you'll still be captain of my personal guard."  Amana soothed.

      "Oh."  Vivitar said quieting down.

      "So what do you say?"  Amana pressed.

      "It depends, what kind of pay are we talking?"  Jill asked.

      "AH-HEM."  Sassoon interrupted.

      "Right."  Jill said sheepishly.

      "We can talk about this later."  Amana murmured.

      “Which armies do you suggest asking?” asked Curad, carefully picking his nose.

      “I don't know.  Maybe some dwarves and elves.”

      “Get her,” Sassoon commented.  “Dwarves and Elves.  Who wants to work with them?  Just because they were in one epic series, they think they're better than everyone else.  Besides, I think the last of them moved to La-La-Land, where they could be 'truly appreciated'.  Arrogant jerks.”

      “Yeah, I know what you mean,” agreed Vivitar.  “Why my uncle told me about this one time-”

      “Listen, all I know is that Jack and myself are trying to get our vacuum cleaner back from Maalox and his cronies, so we can get back home."  Jill said, and then turned to Amana. "Unless this new job opportunity is as good as it sounds.”

      “How do you know Maalox had anything to do with the missing vacuum, and is even the Main Bad Guy in this pulp fiction anyway?” Jack asked.

      “Because the goons that snatched it left a calling card.” Jill said pulling out the card and handing it to Jack.

 

Wrustler & Wrangler

Assistant Henchmen to Maalox

For more info, call 555-EVIL

 

      “Well,” Vivitar said.  “Whatever we do, can we do it after we've eaten?  I'm famished.”

      Curad nodded in agreement and led them to the Dangleberry camp where they ate, drank and were merry until the next morning when they ate, drank and were hung-over.

      After a calm discussion involving knives and golf clubs they came to the decision that they should split-up.  Sassoon, Jill, Curad and the Dangleberries would go out in search of more recruits, while Jack, Vivitar and Amana would go to Whirlpool and formulate a plan of attack.

      Before leaving, Jack & Jill and Vivitar & Sassoon said their good-byes. 

      “I'm going to miss you.” Jack wailed as Jill hugged him.

      “Oh, for crying out loud Jack it's not like I'm leaving you for another man.” she said, then winked at Curad.  “Besides we're doing this to help Amana get her throne back and so we can get home.”

      “I know.  You're right.”  Jack sniveled, trying to compose himself, but broke down again.  “But I'm still going to miss you!”

      “Now remember,” Vivitar said to Sassoon.  “I'll be waiting in Whirlpool for you.”

      “And you remember to take your asthma medication and keep warm.  I don't want you catching a cold and going limp on me.” Sassoon warned.

      “Don't worry babe, I'm never limp around you.” Vivitar said, making a kissy-face.

      “Can we go now?!?” Amana said, upset that she did not have anyone to make kissy-faces with.

      With the tearful good-byes finished they went their separate ways, confident in the belief that their cause was mildly entertaining.

 

 

Chapter 5

 

Chinchilla’s, Republicans, and Prank Calls.  Oh My!

 

      Many days had passed since their departure from the Dangleberry camp when Amana, Vivitar and Jack reached the outskirts of Marlboro. 

      "Marlboro had once been a beautiful land of moose ranches and men that wore hats that touched the sky."  Amana narrated proudly as she rode.  "Then Maalox came and turned the land into dirt farms.  The only element left of this once majestic countryside are the occasional wild moose herds that roam this desolate territory."

      Vivitar rolled his eyes, when is she going to shut up?

      "Hey!"  The princess snapped, throwing Vivitar a dirty look, as she pointed to the italicized question.  "I can read, you moron."

      "Forgive me Highness."  Vivitar apologized, trying not to think of any further nasty comments.

      They had traveled the region in silence, mostly due to having duct-taped Jack's mouth shut over an hour before. 

      “Mmmm mmph.” Jack said.

      “Vivitar, ungag him.  The author's complaining about cramping her creativity.” Amana ordered, rolling her eyes.

      Vivitar removed the gag, much to the appreciation of Jack and the author.

      “Are we there yet?” Jack whined.

      “Now don't start that again or we'll gag you and throw you into the river.” Vivitar said pointing at the Pyorrhea River.

      Jack saw that the river was filthy. 

      "It is filled with loose garbage, raw sewage and an occasional body.  The Pyorrhea had once been the fair Winston River.  Another thing of beauty destroyed by Maalox's tainted hand." Amana described to the reader dramatically.

      “Yuck!” observed Jack.  "Do you have to describe it too?"

      "I'm just wondering what the story of my Triumph Over Maalox The Evil will sound like.  I'm thinking of writing it myself.  You gotta problem with that?"  Amana snapped.

      "Don't you think you're getting ahead of yourself, considering we haven't even reached your kingdom, much less reclaimed it."  Jack said.

      "You just don't have any vision." Amana pouted, then stuck her tongue out at him.

      Soon they reached the webbed toes of the Jagged Tooth Mountains.  Towering over them at an impressive thirty feet was the daunting tartar cap of Mount Ambasol.

      “Well, where to now Bwana?”

      “We have two choices.  Over the mountains or through the Halitosis Caverns.” Amana said.

      “Why not just go around?” Jack asked.

      “Because that would be too easy.”

      “Makes sense.”

      “I vote we go over the mountains.”  Vivitar said.

      “That'll take too long.” Amana said.  “Besides there's no fun in climbing.  I wanna kick some monster butt.”

      “But-” Vivitar began.

      “Sounds cool t'me.” Jack put in.

      “But-”

      “All right, it's settled, we go through the mountain.” Amana said, then started toward the caverns with Jack close behind.

      “But what about the Korcs?” Vivitar finally spat out, trying to catch up.

 

      “Is it a mineral?” Jill asked Curad.

      “No.” he answered.

      “We're ready to go Curad.”  A short man reported.

      “Very good Scripto.  Tell the men we'll leave in a few minutes.” Curad said zipping his pants.

      “Yes sir.” Scripto answered saluting smartly then left.

      “So where are we going?” Jill asked buttoning her blouse.

      “To Excedrin to find my old comrade Casio.”

      “Who's he?”

      “He is the leader of the Bicardi, a people devoted to the distilling of ale.”

      "They sound like a fun bunch."  Jill commented.

      "They are indeed very groovy, just don't bring up the Kegger Incident."  Curad warned.  "Oh, and stay away from Everclear."

      "Who's Everclear?"

      "This weird band, they're all pierced and tattooed.  And, whatever you do, don't accept any drinks from them."

      "All right."  Jill said.  Then she thought: I gotta meet these guys.

      Soon they were on their way to Excedrin.  After many minutes of travel, they came to the shores of the Prell River.  Slowly, one by one they crossed the river with Sassoon and Jill bringing up the rear.  As Sassoon and Jill started across the river a deranged band of Chinchillas bearing the Gin Blossom mark of Maalox's Critter Farm attacked the group.  Jill's moose became alarmed and bucked her off into the river.  Sassoon grabbed her arm but the river's current was too strong and they were both swept away. 

      “Doggone it!” Curad cursed.  "She was cute, too."

      "What shall we do now, sir?"  Scripto asked.

      "Continue to Excedrin and then on to Whirlpool."

      At the order, the Dangleberries continued on, without a second thought.

 

      It was not until several hours later that Jill and Sassoon washed up onto the shores of Plaque Lake.  A thick, foul smelling mist surrounded the lake, cutting visibility down to a few feet.   Jill could see that one foot had an extremely large corn.

      “Where are we?” Jill asked, picking food particles out of her hair.

      “If this is Plaque Lake then we're in Trident.  The land of the Rubber Maids.” Sassoon said wringing out his spell book.

      “Who're they?”

      “Don't you know anything?  The Rubber Maids are a band of female warriors that have a rubber fetish.”

      "Would they be willing to join us?”

      “For a good reason, maybe.” a voice said.  A tall, broad woman appeared from the mist.  She was clad in a rubber diver's suit and was armed with a leather bullwhip. 

      “Y'know, I'm getting really tired of people appearing out of nowhere.” Jill said.

      “Come with me.” the large woman commanded.

      “Where are we going?” Sassoon asked.

      “Come with me.” she repeated, this time cracking her whip.

      “Not until you tell us who you are.” Jill replied defiantly.

      “Oh, alright.  I am Mydol, daughter of Mueslix the regular, Queen of the Rubber Maids and keeper of the sacred Melodrama.”

      “I'm just Jill."

      “And I am Sassoon, son of Schwinn the Swift, Court Wizard and Royal Hairdresser to Amana the true ruler of Whirlpool.”

      “That's quite a mouthful.”  Observed Mydol.  “Sassoon?  Are you the same Sassoon thought dead after the Bashing?  Contac's Sassoon?”

      “I am the same.”

      “Come, and we will discuss your request for my assistance.”

 

      When they reached the Rubber Maid camp Mydol called for a feast in Sassoon's honor.  Soon Jill and Sassoon were being led to the guest hut, conveniently located at poolside.  As they were led into the hut a petite, young woman appeared (where else) out of nowhere.  After handing the pair a change of clothing, the petite woman left- though not before favoring Jill with a wink.

      They washed up and changed into the clothing the woman had given them.  As Jill zipped up her rubber suit, she asked who the woman was and why the woman had winked at her.

      “Oh that was Vicks, she likes you.” Sassoon said looking at himself in the mirror, then asked, “Does this outfit make me look fat?”

      “No, it accentuates your musculature.  What do you mean she likes me?  You mean she likes me likes me?”

      “Yes, that's exactly it!" Sassoon confirmed, a look of disbelief on his face as he stared at Jill.  "Y'know you're the first person I've met who understands what that means!  Girlfriend!” Sassoon exclaimed, throwing his arms around her in a Prom-Queenesque embrace. 

      After a round of happy dancing Jill asked how Sassoon knew the Rubber Maids.

      “When I was much younger the Rubber Maids took me in and raised me as one of their own.  They taught me everything I know.  When I was old enough they let me be apprenticed to Rolaid the Wizard.  For many years he taught me strange and fascinating things not the least of which was how to tie a Windsor knot.  Then came the Bashing.  That had been during the Spice War.

      “After vanquishing the Tic-Tacs, the Tabasco King and his Right Guard descended on the Rubber Maids, slaughtering scores of the Maids.  During the fray, I was enchanted and kidnapped by Banvel, The Hemp Killer.  After many abusive years in captivity, sometimes involving Jell-O and paper clips, I awoke to find myself in Whirlpool.” Sassoon's face brightened as he continued.  “But then Vivitar found me and nursed me back to health.  Amana made me Court Wizard after I proved to her the extent of my powers.”

      “How'd you do that?”

      “I made a cheese Soufflé without it falling.”

      “Boy, you are powerful.” Jill said in awe, remembering her many baking fiascos.

      “Not really.” He said, pulling his spell book out.  “But Betty Crocker is.”

      The feast was not scheduled to begin for several hours, so to pass the time Sassoon and Jill engaged in “girl talk”.  The subjects ranged from clothing to hairstyles and finally ending on men.  They talked about their boyfriends and about how there was something missing but they could not quite put their fingers' on it.

      “Speaking of men,” Jill said as Sassoon did her hair.  “Who's this Contac person?”

      “Well, I was supposed to marry him.” Sassoon answered, putting the finishing touches on Jill's ‘do.

      “Is he cute?”

      “Yes.” Sassoon answered emphatically.  “He has beautiful hazel eyes, very muscular- but he's not a walking bicep- gorgeous mousy brown hair and a butt that would drop a queen at fifty paces.” this last he said fanning himself.

      “So you were in love with him.” Jill more said than asked.

      “Of course!”

      “Then why didn't you try to get back to Trident to find him?”

      “Well, while I was healing from my wounds, I got word that Contac was dead.”

      "Oooh," Jill crooned.  "It's just like a trashy romance."

      As if on cue Vicks entered and informed them that the feast was about to begin.  On their walk to the banquet hall/basketball court, Jill noticed how the Rubber Maids smiled and cheered as Sassoon went by.  Sassoon seemed used to the attention and when they reached the steps of the hall, he dropped the back flap of his rubber suit and mooned the crowd that had gathered.  The crowd went nuts at this and roared it's approval.  Closing the back flap, he turned to face the crowd.

      “Y'gotta give the crowd what they want.” he said to Jill as he waved at the adoring throng.

      Inside Jill and Sassoon met up with Mydol who greeted them with a hearty slap on the butt.  Mydol reminded Jill of her softball coach.

      “Ah, I see you've met my recently appointed manicurist, Vicks.” Mydol said to Jill, noticing that Vicks was batting her eyelashes at Jill.  “And Sassoon, you remember my advisor, Contac.”

      Jill saw a man emerge from behind Mydol's massive frame.  He had stunning hazel eyes, short brown hair and buns that made her mouth water.  He was just as Sassoon had described him.  Jill saw Sassoon's eyes widen and his mouth drop like tech stocks.

      “Sassoon, how good to see you again.” Contac said icily, then turned like old milk and strode away.

      All throughout the feast, Sassoon stared at Contac with wide, doe eyes.  Contac seemed not to notice, and continued to daintily gnaw on the hambone that was set before him. 

      Jill hardly noticed the festivities as she had her own face buried in a bowl of stew, coming up only for air and chunks of bread.

      “Y'know I like a woman who eats with such wild abandon.” Vicks crooned.

      “Really?” Jill said, bits of food flying from her lips.  “My boyfriend says that it's not very lady like.  And my parents.  And my brother...”

      “Oh, I'm sorry.  I didn't know you were involved.” Vicks said rather disappointedly.

      “I'm only engaged, besides I was going to break it off with him anyway.”

      “Really?” Vicks asked, her ears pricking up.  “Well, why don't we...” the rest she whispered into Jill's ear.  Jill wiped her faced hurriedly, excused herself and disappeared with Vicks.

 

      Jack, Amana and Vivitar made their way slowly through the caverns.  As a makeshift torch, they used Jack's sword wrapped with oil soaked rags. 

      Kids, do not try this at home.

      "The Halitosis Caverns were the dank, smelly ruins of the once noble dominion of the Tic-Tacs."  Amana said, once again taking the role of narrator.  "That, however, had been before the Spice Wars.  The caverns had been the sight of the Battle of the Garlic, when the Tabasco King, with the help of the Queen of Scallions, invaded the caverns.  It had been a long and bloody battle that ended when the Tic-Tac king, Mentos the Freshmaker, had been killed and his daughter, Certs, had surrendered.  After the War, it was found that the Onion Bombs that had been used made the caves uninhabitable and were left devoid of life.  Even though over time the air's toxicity dropped, the ruined kingdom was left to mercy of the many foul-smelling creatures that came to inhabit the forsaken corridors."

      "The most numerous of these creatures were the Korcs.  A rather nasty, foul-tempered group, the Korcs preferred to keep to themselves.  Mainly due to their reprehensible personal hygiene."

      "Y'know, she's really beginning to annoy me."  Jack whispered to Vivitar.

      "Try working for her."  Vivitar whispered back.

      "I heeeeear yoooou!"  Amana yelled from up ahead, with a shrill Bavarian accent.

      Eventually they came to a large, open room that had once been the throne/ laundry room of the Tic-Tacs.  The foul stench that still permeated the caverns seemed concentrated in this room, mostly due to the large mountains of dirty laundry piled next to long since forgotten heaps of bones and other such litter.

      Across the room were two tunnels.  A large, red puddle could be seen flowing from the left passageway.

      “Whew!  What a stink.” Jack commented as he looked around the Hall.  Jack had seen this before, usually after a victorious Homecoming game on Fraternity Row at the University.  “Is that blood?”  Jack asked, seeing the puddle in front of the passage leading to the right.

      “No.  It's Clamato.” Amana responded quickly, a little too quickly for Jack's liking.  Before he could question her, Amana continued.  “We go to the right.”

      Vivitar, who'd been examining the piles of bones, spoke up then, “ I think these bones are human!”

      Ignoring Vivitar, Amana continued.  “I've read this book before, we go this way.”

      “I don't like this.” Vivitar complained.

      “So what else is new?” Jack asked sarcastically as he followed Amana.

      As Vivitar warily inched his way toward the passage, a monster came up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder.  Turning around he regarded the creature with horror.

      “AAHHH!!” Vivitar screamed.  “A Republican!!”

      “Argh!” the creature roared, looming over the frightened captain.  “Tax breaks for the rich!  Contract with America!”

      Rushing back into the hall Amana and Jack watched the monster grab Vivitar and devour him with a fakey-sounding crunch of bones and armor.  The beast let out a loud, resounding belch and started for Jack and the Princess.

      “This wasn't in the book on tape version.” Amana claimed.

      “Time to go your Highness.” Jack said, heading down the left tunnel.

      “Good idea.” she said following Jack.

      Seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, they increased their speed.  Reaching the light, they realized too late that the tunnel ended in thin air.

      “I hate it when this happens!” Jack screamed on his way down, with Amana falling close behind.

      They plunged head first into the

      "This is the Kodak Sea." Amana said, after the duo surfaced.  "The Kodak Sea separates the mainland of MacIntosh and the island nation of Timberland."

      "Uck."  Jack spit out seawater.  "It taste's like developer's fluid."

      Then, in an effort to get away from Amana's newly usurped role of historian, Jack began to swim for shore.  Unfortunately, for Jack, Amana followed.

      "During the first Cardboard Age," Amana continued doggedly.  "Timberland and Whirlpool had been allies until the succession of Cora the Wide to the throne of Timberland.  For two hundred years the two kingdoms held to an uneasy truce forged by, my ancestor, Jimbo the Twerp.  Now- because of Maalox- the two kingdoms are joined in a depraved alliance, much like that of the National Rifle Association and the Christian Coalition."

      Amana stopped her prattling when she experienced a stinging sensation in her left leg.  Looking down she saw a giant sea leech attached to her calf.  Shaking it off she continued onto shore where she fell to the sand in fatigue.

      "You knew the Republican would be there, didn't you?" Jack asked, snot-rocketing out an errant minnow.

      "I told you I've read this before." Amana panted, emptying a squid from her boot.  "Y'gotta admit that was fun."

      "Fun?!  We could've been killed!"

      "Calm down, you're supposed to be the Hero.  Quit whining.  Don't worry, you don't die in this one."

      "What do you mean, 'this one'?"

      "Oh come on, you're not so naive as to believe there won't be a sequel, are you?"

      "But what if nobody likes this one?"

      "That didn't stop the Blair Witch Project, did it?"

      It was then Jack noticed that Amana's chest had grown considerably larger.

      “Whoa, what happened to your chest?  It's huge!” Jack asked.

      "Oh no!!” Amana exclaimed staring at her rapidly ballooning bosom.  “I'm over-developing!!”

      “Cool.”

      “No, you don't understand.  This growth is only the beginning!  Soon my hair will turn blonde, my IQ will drop and I'll be signed to a modeling contract.” Amana lamented.

      “What do we do?” Jack asked mournfully, he was rather looking forward to seeing what Amana would look like as a blonde.

      “I don't know.  But Sassoon would.” Amana said hopefully.

      “But we don't know where he is.”

      “No, but I have his cellular phone number.” she said holding up a slip of paper. 

      "Yeah, but how are you going to call him, we're on a deserted beach."

      Looking past Jack, Amana saw a lone payphone in the distance.

      "We can use that phone."  Amana said as she stood up and walked toward the phone.

      "So,” Jack said as he followed on Amana's heels.  "Is this what's called a Deux a Machina?"

      "No, call it a darn convenient continuity screw up."  Amana replied as she fished around in her pocket for change.

      "Why not." Jack agreed handing Amana two bits.  " Everything else in this story is screwed up."

      " Hey," Amana said suddenly as she dialed Sassoon’s number.  "Wanna have some fun?"

      "How, we're stuck in the middle of nowhere?"

      "Do you still have that calling card Jill gave you?

      "I think so."  Jack said, searching his pockets.  Finally, he found the card inside his vest pocket, miraculously dry and legible.  "Here.  Why do you want that?"

      "Well, we could..."  Amana began as she called Sassoon.

 

Chapter 6

 

Meanwhile...

Back at the Ranch

 

      Maalox was upset.  He had just gotten an obscene phone call and he knew who was to blame.  Replacing the receiver, he called his two assistant henchmen.

      “Wrangler!  Wrustler!  Get in here!” Maalox bellowed.

      “Yes, Sir!” the twins responded in unison.

      “Did you leave a calling card, again?”

      “Yes, sir.” Wrustler answered.

      “What have I told you about doing that?”

      “Not to, you said it was because people kept making crank calls.” Wrangler responded.

      “That's right, and somehow a card fell into to the hands of Amana you dunderheads!  She threatened to give my address to my deadbeat brother-in-law, if I didn't hand over the kingdom.  But that's not the worst part!”

      “What's that, sir?” they asked.

      “She called me collect.”

 

      Night fell, like Gerald Ford down a flight of stairs, as is their wont.  Amana and Jack lay on the beach of the Kodak Sea and watched the tide come in.

      “And, like, where have you been?” Amana asked the tide.

      “Out with some friends.  Jeez, what are you, my mom?” the tide answered then went to it's room to smoke some herbs.

      “Kids today.” Jack said lamely.  He could not help staring at Amana.  She had gone through so many changes since they had come ashore; first her breasts, then her increasing flightiness and just recently her use- or rather misuse- of the word “like”.

      After Amana fell asleep, Jack went for a moonlit stroll.  As he walked he thought about the past few days, about the adventures he had been on and the ones yet to come, and- of course- Jill. 

      He wondered what she was doing.

 

      “Golly!” Jill said panting.  “I didn't realize there were so many uses for Whip Cream.”

      “Do you want some more?” Vicks asked, climbing down from her trapeze.

      “No, thanks.  If I have another Strawberry Shortcake I'll explode.” Jill said patting her full stomach.

      “Well in that case, what’s say we work off some of those calories by...” Vicks said, once again whispering into Jill's ear.

     

      Jill awoke from her sugar-induced coma to the sound of someone pounding on the bedroom door. 

      “Jill!  Jill, I know you're in there, open up.” It was Sassoon and there was a note of urgency in his voice.

      Fumbling around in the darkness, she finally managed to make it to the door and open it. 

      “Jill,” Sassoon said stepping into the room.  “We have to go.”

      “Why?” Jill asked, holding her reeling head.

      “Amana paged me an hour ago.  I've convinced Mydol to help us and she agreed to leave in the morning, but we have to leave now.”

      “Why?”

      “Amana is in trouble or having a bad hair day I won't know until we get to Whirlpool.  Either way we have to leave now.”

      “Why?”

      “Will you quit being childish and get cleaned up, you've got stew and drool caked in your hair.”

      Within minutes, they were ready to go, along with Contac and Vicks. 

      “This is a one-eighty.” Jill said to Sassoon.  “Earlier he couldn't stay far enough away from you, now he's all over you.  What gives?”

      “We patched things up.  Didn't we hon?” he cooed to Contac.

      “Give you any ideas?” Vicks asked looking up at Jill.

      “I'd thought you'd've run out of ideas, especially after last night.” Jill bated.

      “Honey, you ain't seen anything yet.” Vicks warned.

 

      “Die, you vermin, die!” Maalox yelled gazing into his magic looking glass.  The image in the glass was that of a large purple dinosaur.  With toy laser in hand, he repeatedly zapped the creature’s image.

      He heard a rapping, a tapping on his chamber door.

      “Who's that knocking on my chamber door?  Perhaps it's my sweet Lenore.”

      He heard a voice say, “Never more.”

      “All right knock it off and get in here.” Maalox ordered.

      The door opened to reveal a quaking Wrustler.

      “Well, what is it?”

      “A n-n-note s-sir.” the hapless henchman squeaked.

      “What are you waiting for, an engraved invitation?  Give it to me!”

      Maalox did not like being interrupted when he was playing video games.  Grabbing the note from Wrustler Maalox read it, unmindful that the subordinate had not left.  The note displeased Maalox, his face flushed and his eyes began crossing and uncrossing.  Ordering Wrustler leave him, Maalox bolted his door, went over to the large chest at the foot of his bed, and opened it.  He pulled out several nudie magazines, and a false bottom, to reveal a stairwell descending into a gloomy dungeon.

      Going down the stairs, he closed the lid behind him.  After tripping over his robe's hem and falling the rest of the way down the stairs, Maalox entered his secret laboratory.  Against a far wall was his chemistry table, with a Beaker, a Bunsen and a Kermit.  In the center of the lab was a large Elijah Wood table, and on the table was the Quantum Suck Vacuum Cleaner.

      However, he passed them by and went to another wall, on this wall hung a large black velvet painting of Elvis.

      “Velvet Elvis on the wall.  Who's the evilest of them all?” Maalox recited, affecting a southern accent.

      Magically the Elvis' hips began to sway, his polyester bell-bottoms swinging to and fro. 

      “The evilest one of all is David Duke.”  The Velvet Elvis said with a thick drawl.

      “Oh Velvet Elvis, where are my enemies?”

      The picture fuzzed then showed the Washington Headquarters of the IRS, specifically on an auditor working on a case of tax evasion against Maalox.

      “No, not him!  I mean Amana and her allies.”

      Again, the picture fuzzed, but it only cleared to black and Maalox heard Amana's voice mail.

      “Hi, you've reached my voice mail.  I'm not home right now as Maalox has taken over my castle and kicked me out.  I should be back by Thursday if all goes well.”  The recording went on to say, “Please leave a message and if this is Maalox...Thpppt!”

      “AARRHH !!” Maalox screamed.  “All right, that does it!  Where is she Elvis?!”

      The image of Elvis reappeared.

      “Amana is in her land but she isn't who she was.” Elvis drawled cryptically.

      “Amana's in Whirlpool?”

      “Uh-huh.”

      “All right,” Maalox hissed.  “Now we're cooking with coal.  Thank you Elvis.”

      “No problem baby.” the velvet painting said, his lip curled.  “Don't forget my ham and cheese.”

      “Sure thing.”

      “Thank you, thank you very much.”

      Yes indeed, Maalox thought.  I'll get you my pretty.  And your little queer too.

      Removing his horn-rimmed glasses, he stroked his pimpled chin and made a note to himself to pick up a ham hock and a wheel of cheese.

 

 

      “Hello, what's this?” Jack asked himself upon discovering a small tunnel.  As if in answer, Jack immediately heard Amana's voice in his head.

      "During the Age of Arrogance," Amana's voice droned irritatingly.  "Commonly known as Civilization, many long-standing natural structures were either altered or destroyed.  One such crime involved a magnificent structure known as Retainer Ridge, which was part of the Jagged Tooth Mountains.  The ridge used to extend out into the Kodak Sea, gradually blending into the Big Red Reef.  The reef itself has spawned many fantastic tales of gum chewing fish and sirens luring unlucky ships with their songs of breath spray and after-dinner mints."

      "Dang,” Jack cursed, rubbing his head.  "This is like be held at sword point by an emotionally needy storyteller."

      "Retainer Ridge had stood for millennia before the hand of man defiled it with his machines of construction."  Amana's voice continued relentlessly.  "So began the hollowing out of Retainer Ridge in favor of a highway leading from Trident to Whirlpool.  As they neared completion of the tunnel, however, they found that the tunnel would continually fill with seawater, no matter how fast they pumped it out. However, by far, the most annoying hazard was high tide.

      "Soon the project was abandoned due to public ridicule and jokes such as, 'There are two seasons in Whirlpool: high tide and road construction.'  While the tunnel was never finished completely, there was a small passageway cut into the rock, leading into Whirlpool.

      "It is this sea-cut passage, Jack, that you are standing before; having stumbled upon while out walking this night." 

      "Yes.  Okay."  Jack finally snapped, talking to the voice that only he could hear.  "I'll take it from here Amana.  Thank you!"

      "All right!  Sheesh,” Amana’s voice answered.  "I was just trying to help."  Then the princess was no longer heard in Jack's head.

      The passage was filled with knee-deep water, for average height people anyway.  On Jack, it came up to his waist.  Wading into the sea toward the opening, he noticed a small sign posted just inside the breach in the rock.  It read:

 

This is a totally bogus tunnel dude,

You're a dork if you go in there man.

But the waves really shred, so if you're like bored,

You should surf these monster waves dude.

 

      After reading this, Jack looked back to where the princess was still asleep.  She was getting worse and the only person who could help her was on his way but Jack did not know if Sassoon would be in time- or even if the wizard would be able to do anything at all.  Finally, he decided the risk was worth taking to save Amana, as she was their only hope to get home.  Not to mention that he was becoming fond of her.  After all, she did manage to wrestle him to the ground and tape his mouth shut.

      He liked that in a woman.

      Screwing his courage to the sticking point, gathering his forces and every other euphemism for bravery he could think of, Jack stalwartly trudged forward into the passage.  Once again using his sword as a torch, he made his way through the narrow shaft.  After twenty minutes of slow progress, he came across the remains of an especially dead Korc.  Apparently it's head had been introduced to the nearby wall, repeatedly.  The expression on it's face was that of mild displeasure.

      “Well, this is a good omen.” Jack said with hopeless optimism.  He made a brief examination of the corpse and found a slightly damp torch.  He lit the torch; it sizzled and popped but stayed lit, then put out his sword.  With the torch in his right hand and sword in his left, he continued.  He had traveled fifty feet when the screaming started.

      It sounded like Jill.

 

      “Quit screaming,” Jill warned Sassoon.  He had seen a centipede and was climbing the wall.  “You're gonna let some weird monster know that we're here.  And for Pete sake get down from there.”

      “Is it gone?” Sassoon asked holding onto a stalactite for dear life.

      “Yes, I squished it.  Now come on, we have to get going.” Jill said staring up at the frightened wizard.

      They had traveled more than halfway through the Trident-Whirlpool Tunnel when the unfortunate arthropod crossed their path.  Ten feet in front of them lay a large body of water and they needed Sassoon's help to get them to Whirlpool, mainly because he was the only one among them who had been there.

      As Sassoon climbed down the group heard splashing and loud panting.  That was when Jill heard that familiar nasally, pinched sound that Jack had by way of voice.

      “I'm coming Jill, I'm coming!” She had heard that before, although not in a cave.  Unless you counted that time they had gone to the Carlsbad Caverns...

      She shook her head trying to put the image out of her mind.  That was when the group saw Jack, his face flushed and he was completely soaked.  Although he managed to make it to the group, he fell over into the water in exhaustion.

      “Come on, we'd better go help him before he drowns.” Jill said shaking her head in disgust.  However, she was the only one to help Jack; the others were rolling around on the ground laughing hysterically.

 

      After recovering, Jack told them why Amana had paged Sassoon, and told them about the dead Korc.

      “Hmm.” Sassoon hmmed.  “ It was probably a clan dispute, nothing to worry about.”

      "But if the Korcs are still around, they could still get in the way." Jill said.

      "They're easy enough to get rid of.  All you do is pull out the Book of Mormon and they run screaming."  Sassoon assured, pulling the very same book from his robes.

      "Put that away."  Contac warned, shielding his eyes.  "That thing's dangerous."

      "Why?" Jack asked.

      "It can numb yer mind at thirty paces."  Contac explained.

      As Sassoon put the weapon away, a loud roar caused them to collectively hunch their shoulders.  Turning, they all saw a large creature emerge from the darkness, it's massive body partially submerged in the murky water.

      “I think our luck has just run out.” Contac said, writing out his will.

      “Oh no, it’s a Snap Dragon!” Vicks said in her best Damsel-in-distress voice.

      “Um, retreat?” Jack asked.

      “No, we have to get to Whirlpool," Jill said drawing her sword.  "And I am not going to let some second-class creature get in my way.”

      “Who are you calling 'second-class', you cheap hussy?” the beast said, it's head working side-to-side.

      “You, you B-movie reject.  And the only thing cheap in here is that stupid monster suit you're wearing.  I mean, come on, scales are out.”

      “At least I don't dye my hair and try to pass it off as my real hair color.”

      "Look, just because your gene pool was shallow doesn't give you the right to Player Hate, you Godzilla wannabe."

      "Oh, that's good coming from a Xena clone.  Xerox: Warrior Rip-Off.  And who's that?"  The dragon asked, indicating Vicks.  "Jabrielle, the Boring Bard?  Ooh, 'love is the strongest power on earth.'  So, where's Jockstrap?"

      "At least Callisto was a better villain than you're turning out to be." Jill immediately shot back.  "What's the matter, wouldn't the Powerpuff Girls let you audition for their show?  Are you really that lame?"

      "Not as lame as your politics.  I bet you voted for Gore."

      “No, but your ma did.”  Jill returned deftly.

      “Oh, I know you ain't talkin' 'bout my Mama.  Your mom's so stupid she got hit by a parked car.”

      "Your momma's so poor, I saw her kicking a garbage can down the alley.  I asked her what she was doing, and she said, 'moving.'"

      Jill and the creature went back and forth like this for a half an hour, until finally Jill scored the winning snap.

      “Well, you're so fat that when your thigh's rub together I swear I smell bacon.” Jill said then began sniffing the air.

      There was a long pause while everyone waited for the monster to make it's come back.  Instead of insulting Jill or her family, it's lower lip started quivering and the creature broke down into tears.  The Snap Dragon then abruptly turned and ran down the tunnel crying and sobbing loudly.

      “Wow, that was impressive.” Contac said patting Jill on the back.

      “That’s my fiancé.”  Jack boasted giddily to which both Sassoon and Vicks rolled their eyes.

      “Come on, we've got to get going, Amana needs your help.” Jill said looking over at Sassoon, and then flashed Jack a tiny smile.

      Without further ado, they took off down the tunnel stopping every once in awhile to let Jack catch up.  Forty minutes later they emerged on the other side of Retainer Ridge to find the tide just coming in.  With water up to their waist, they waded to shore, towing Jack behind them.

      “Doggone it!” Jack cursed, sitting down in the sand.

      “What's wrong?” Jill asked.

      “I broke a heel.” Jack replied, holding up the broken part of his left boot.

      “I told you not to get those high-heeled boots, didn't I?” Jill said, kneeling down in the sand.

      “Yeah, but what am I going to do now?  I can't go on until I fix this heel, but Amana needs Sassoon's help now.” Jack said pitifully.

      Contac, stepping forward, volunteered to stay with Jack and help fix his heel.  With that issue resolved, the rest of the group hurried off in the direction that Jack had pointed them. 

      “How are you going to fix my heel?” Jack asked pulling his boot off, sand and not a few sand crabs came pouring out.

      “Crazy glue.” Contac said pulling a tube out of his pocket.

 

      “Boy, I can see why you want to dump him.” Vicks whispered, walking beside Jill.  “What a weirdo.”

      “He's not so bad.” Jill said defending Jack.  “He's really a brilliant scientist back home.  He's just not cut out for this hero stuff.  Besides he's the only one who can get us home when we get the vacuum back.”

      “That's right you're not from around here.  Where are you from anyway?”  Sassoon asked.

      “Cleveland, Ohio.”

      “And you want to go back?”

      Before Jill could answer, Vicks said she saw something.

      “I see something.” Vicks said stopping.

      In the distance lay a figure next to the remnants of a fire.  Excitedly they ran toward the figure but before they could reach the encampment, an army of Kremlins cut them off.  Then they heard the heehawing laughter of the Evil Maalox. 

      “Maalox!” Sassoon cried in unison.

      “So you thought you could get away from me.” Again his donkey laugh.

      “What have you done with Amana?” Sassoon demanded. 

      “She's well.  As well as can be expected, but you'll find that out for yourself soon enough.  Take them away!”

      Soon our helpless heroes were being led away at pencil point to the dungeons of Castle Whirlpool.

      “Shouldn’t we try to fight our way out?  I mean they’ve only got pencils.” Vicks yipped like an oversized puppy.

      “Because there are over a hundred Kremlins” Sassoon said solemnly.  “And those pencils are Husky’s.”

 

 

Chapter 7

 

If You Do, You'll Have

To Clean It Up.

 

      The dungeon was a dark, foreboding place, not unlike inner-city public schools, and it was here that Jill, Sassoon, Vicks and Amana were held in separate cells.

      Sitting in a corner of her cell, Jill heard the tortured screams of prisoners being subjected to reruns of The Andy Griffith Show and the sinister heehawing laughter of Maalox.

      “That's enough for today.  Bring the next one.” she heard Maalox wheeze.

      Going to the bars of her cell door, she saw the emaciated figure of an old man being dragged away by two muscle-bound guards.  Jill could hear the man’s whimpering for mercy up until she heard the slam of a far away cell door.

      A few moments later, she heard someone frantically calling her name.

      “Jill!  Jill, where are you?” the voice cried.  It was Sassoon.  Then she saw him, being dragged by the two thugs who had carted the old man away.

      "Sassoon!” Jill cried, watching helplessly as Sassoon was dragged away to the torture chamber.

      She knew that if she did not escape soon that she would be next.

 

      Sitting around a depressing campfire, just outside the Trident side of the Trident-Whirlpool tunnel, Jack and Contac grimly contemplated how they were going to rescue the others.

      “How are we going to rescue the others?” Jack asked.

      Contac only shook his head.

      “Why did you stop me when I tried to help the others?” Jack asked, trying not to cry, reminding himself that he was the Hero of the story.

      Big Hero’s don’t cry.

      Contac said nothing, but Jack could tell Contac was upset.

      “You’re upset.” Jack observed.  “I can tell.  What’s wrong?”

      “For years I thought Sassoon dead, and mourned my loss.  When I found he was alive, I was happy again.  Now he’s in the hands of the Evil Maalox and I may never see him alive again.  How can fate be so cruel?” Contac wailed.  “To bring him back to me, only to snatch him away like the Florida Electoral College.”

      “You think you got it bad, back home I’m a Vacuum Cleaner Salesman!”

      Contac said nothing at first, then said, “And still you choose to live?”

 

      “Tic-tac-toe, three in a row,

      “Barney got shot by a GI Joe.

      “Momma called the doctor, the doctor said,

      “Whoop Barney’s dead!” Jill chanted to herself, repeating the last line repeatedly.  This was Jill’s last-ditch attempt to keep her fragmenting sanity after the recent onslaught of Dawson’s Creek reruns.  She was just about to start the first verse of “The Love Boat” when she heard the high-pitched squeal that had taken the place of Amana’s real voice.

      “Hey!  Like, get your unmanicured hands off me you big brute.”

      Running to her cell door, Jill saw Amana being dragged to the torture chamber that Jill had been in only an hour ago.  Jill’s mind flashed back to when she’d been hauled in there, the grunting, the struggling, and that was just Maalox trying to get his Peanut Butter jar open.  Now it was Amana’s turn and Jill had the feeling that Maalox would not be satisfied until Amana was dead or signed to a contract to appear on Baywatch.

      Although the two muscle-bound weirdoes that dragged Amana from her cell slammed the chamber door shut, Jill could still hear Amana’s voice.

      “You are going to be, like, so sorry for this Maalox.”

      Maalox said something, but Jill could not make it out.

      “Eww, like brush your teeth!"  Amana's voice suddenly pierced the air, the sound of which killed a rat in Jill's cell without warning.  "Like, I’m so sure you’ve never heard of toothpaste.”

      Suddenly there was the sound of crashing furniture and of Maalox having a hissy fit.  Turning away from the door, Jill crawled back into the corner and began, in a slightly manic tone, to sing Eminem.

      "Hi kids.  Do you like violence?  Wanna see me…"

 

      Jack and Contac briefly explained what happened to Jill and the others (e.g. with charts, comprehensive character motivation reports and the like) to Mydol and her fellow Rubber Maids.

      “Enough already!” Mydol snapped, rubbing her eyes.  She couldn't believe she'd just sat through a two hour set up with a thirty second solution.  She supposed she should consider herself lucky that she had not paid seven dollars to hear it.

      Mydol had arrived with the Rubber Maids only sentences ago, just as Amana was being carted away to be tortured. 

      Alas, even the author had to adhere to some Physical Laws.

      “So what do we do now?” Jack asked.

      “He’s new to the whole attack and rescue thing.” Contac said apologetically.

      "Ok, we're not going to wait for the Dangleberry's.  It might be too late by the time they get here.  Curad, you and Jack make your way to the other side of the castle and... "  Mydol began, outlining a plan to rescue the others.

 

      “Is it safe?” Maalox asked Jill, a dental pick poised over a fresh nerve on her finger.  Jill was fastened to a dentist’s chair with old tube socks. 

      “There once was a man from Nantucket-” Jill replied.

      “That’s not what you’re supposed to say.” Maalox pouted, throwing the pick to the floor.

      “This is only my second time being tortured, I’m sorry if I don’t know the etiquette.” Jill said scratching herself.

      “Eww, must you do that?  I mean it’s really gross to have to watch.”

      “Well, if I was allowed to take a bath it wouldn’t itch.” she replied, continuing to scratch. 

      Before Maalox could retort, Wrangler and Wrustler burst in, both out of breathe.

      "Maalox!"  The twins said in unison.

      “Well if it isn’t Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum.  What have I told you about interrupting me when I’m torturing a prisoner?” Maalox demanded.

      “Not to, but-” they replied.

      “And what have I told you to do before you came in?”

      “Knock, but-”

      “Then go back outside and then come back in.  Knock this time.”

      “But-”

      “Go!”

      The twins went back out and, as ordered, knocked.

      “Who is it?” Maalox asked genuinely.

      “ It’s Wrangler-”

      “And Wrustler-”

      “With important news, sir.” they chimed together.

      “This had better be good, get in here!” Maalox barked.

      The twins once again entered the chamber, this time more warily.

      “All right, now what is it?”

      “The castle is under attack.”  They said demurely.

      It was then that Maalox heard for the first time the attack alarm.

      "Ha!  You hear that?"  Jill asked, laughing loudly.  "My boyfriend's here, and he's gonna kick your can up and down the castle."

      “Dag-nabbit!” Maalox blasphemed, then ran from the chamber screaming how he was late for a very important date.

      “Yeah, right.  A date with a Dermatologist.” Jill observed.

      Not knowing what else to do Wrangler and Wrustler untied Jill and began dragging her back to her cell.  Before they could get ten paces down the corridor, the two henchmen were bum rushed by Vicks and Amana.  After tying up the now unconscious Wrangler and Wrustler, Amana surveyed her handiwork as Vicks helped Jill to her feet.

      "Where is that horse-faced nerd Maalox?"  Amana asked, turning away from the not-so-dynamic duo.

      "He left." Jill answered getting up from the not-surprisingly sticky floor.  "We should go after him."

      "Well, duh!" Amana retorted, then ran off in search of the usurper of her throne.

      "How did you two escape from your cells?"  Jill asked.

      "Amana tricked one of the guards into coming into her cell, beat him up and took his keys."  Vicks explained.

      "Where's Sassoon?"

      "Contac paged him, Jack and the Rubber Maids have launched an attack against the castle.  Come on, I don't wanna miss out on the action."

      After bandaging Jill's badly infected paper cut, Jill and Vicks left in search of the others.

 

      Jack, followed closely by Contac, burst into Maalox’s laboratory, their knitting needles held at the ready.

      "You go look for the others." Jack whispered to Contac.  Then growled, "This one's mine."

      "How melodramatic.  Have fun."  Contac replied, and then left.

      Carefully Jack searched the darkened room for the demented illusionist.  Crossing through a doorway Jack, found the whacked-out mage backed into a corner, holding the hose of the vacuum over a bucket of water.

      It was the first time he had ever seen Maalox, and Jack barely contained his laughter.  The guy was barely 19, if a day.  The “Villain” looked as though his mother had been a rabbit that had gotten a little too friendly with Doogie Howser.  Though, who was he to cast stones; after all, Jack was supposed to be the Hero.

      “Stay back, or I’ll vacuum all this water out of the bucket and destroy your only way home.” Maalox threatened.

      “It’s a wet/dry vac.” Jack said.

      “Curses.” Maalox cursed, twirling his imaginary black mustache.  “Foiled again.”

      Jumping at the chance to finally act like a Hero Jack leaped forward, threatening the cracked conjurer with his sharp needle.

      “You’ve stolen our vacuum, tortured my fiancé, and openly admitted to watching Temptation Island, what do you have to say for yourself?” Jack demanded, pressing the cold aluminum to Maalox’s throat.  Just then threatening violin music began to play in the background and the scene faded to black.

 

 

 

Chapter 8

 

To Make a Long Story Short

 

      The author stopped suddenly, stuck on how to proceed with such an absurd story and such a horribly mundane collection of characters.

      Biting her right thumbnail, she sat on the tattered and stained futon that comprised her only furniture.  The air was hot and oppressive, fish bowled with stale marijuana and cigarette smoke.  There was no air-conditioning in the very low rent studio apartment, but she seemed not to notice or to care.  With the obsessiveness of a stalker, she bent feverishly over the barely legible scribblings she called a story.  In her left gravely emaciated hand, she held a hand-rolled cigarette that further stained her already yellowed fingers.

      Looking to her left, the author saw the ice in her plastic water pipe had already melted away.  She leaned closer to the bong and saw that there was one more hit left in the bowl, possibly two.  Grabbing the plastic paraphernalia, she inhaled the last of the cannabis sativa.  Holding it in for as long as she could, the author wondered briefly if being a pothead would hurt her chances for becoming a politician.

      After finishing the bowl, she set the bong back down and crushed a couple of cockroaches with an empty soda can.

      She had it!

      Laughing like the demented mental patient she had once been, the author put pen back to paper.  As she continued to write- her glassy, blood-shot eyes straining as she did- she wondered if this story would get her a one-way ticket back to the straight-jacketed loony bin she had just been released from.

 

*         *         *

 

      Jack lead a securely tied Maalox back up into the wizard's chamber from the laboratory, hauling the vacuum up the stairs as well. 

      "I'm sorry."  Jack said as he led Maalox out of his chamber into the hallway.  "But I gotta say this.  You are not a scary Villain."

      "What tipped you off?"  Maalox retorted drolly.  "You're hardly the epitome of Fearless Heroism either, y'know.  I've been watching you.  You're kinda gullible aren't you?"

      "Why do you say that?"  Jack asked as he helped Maalox onto a red Ryder wagon.

      "Well, you're on Amana's side in this, aren't you?"  Maalox asked seriously, as he watched the wanna-be Hero put the cleaning device in the wagon with the wanna-be Villain.

      "Yeah, so?"  Jack asked as he began to pull his captive on the wagon.  "You're an Evil Wizard, the tyrannical usurper of Amana's throne."

      "Is that what she told you?"  Maalox asked, giggling lightly.  "What, did she promise you, land?  Riches?  A Title?"

      "Come to think of it, she didn't promise us anything."  Jack said, stopping in the middle of the corridor.

      "Don't tell me.  You did it to rid the land of a ruthless tyrant, right?"  Maalox asked incredulously. 

      "Well, actually I think she called you an 'evil politician'..."

      "Better a politician than an autocrat."  Maalox snorted.

      "Look, I don't have the head for politics, I'm just a scientist-"

      "But you still meddled in a political revolution."  Maalox accused imperiously.  "Without even knowing the implications of your actions.  You cost the people of this kingdom their freedom, and all because you wanted your vacuum back?!"

      "Whoa, slow down Sam Adams!"  Jack said referring to a historical figure that most people think only made beer for a living.  "You up for an Oscar or something?  I also had to retrieve highly technical gadgetry from falling into the wrong hands.  Be it your's or Amana's."

      "Oh, sorry."  Maalox said, becoming visibly calmer.  "That usually works on the masses.  Whips them up into a nice frenzy."

      Maalox paused dramatically, a soft spotlight bathing him in a pale blue light.

      "Y'know, I think you should untie me."  Maalox continued his voice soft and soothing.  "We can discuss this over some drinks."

      "Is this supposed to be your attempt to hypnotize me?"  Jack asked, standing just outside of Maalox's effective range, all of two feet away.  "'Cause, if it is, I have to tell you it won't work.  Three hypnotists have tried and failed.  The last one called me a freak and threw a drink on me."

      "Oh."  Maalox said, the spotlight immediately going dark.  "Well, I guess that just leaves the truth, huh?"

      "That's the best place to start."  Jack said, his arms crossed, tapping his foot expectantly.

      "Man!"  Maalox said at that.  "You really aren't a politician, are you?  Ok, all right.  Let's see...  Oh yes.  Well, Amana is a ruthless monarch."

      "Whatever."  Jack said, rolling his eyes.

      "You bought her party line, didn't you?"  That is when Maalox started laughing, falling off the wagon on to the stone floor.  "Ow.  She sold it and you bought it.  Hee hee hee."

      "No, Jill and I did it to get our vacuum back from you."  Jack replied hotly, clearly tired of being the butt of jokes.  This is worse than the University.  "Are you trying to tell me that you aren't evil?"

      "Hee hee, it's alright, hee hee, I am evil."  Maalox admitted as Jack hauled him back into the wagon.  "But not nearly as bad as Amana.  At least I was elected."

      "What?"  Jack asked, letting go of the wizard.

      "Ow."  Maalox replied as he hit the ground, this time on the other side of the wagon and then continued as Jack hauled him back into place.  "I said, 'At least I was elected.'  Amana's just a sore loser is all.  The people must have figured out that I was really the lesser of two evils."

      "I don't believe you."  Jack said turning back around and once more pulled the wagon down the stone corridor.

      "Suit yourself, I don't care if you get cheated."  Maalox said.  "But, I do care if my head becomes separated from my shoulders."

      "What?"  Jack asked, stopping once more, turning around.

      "You really don't think fairy tales are bloodless, do you?"  Maalox asked.  "Of course you do.  You probably liked Pulp Fiction too."

      "Yeah, especially that part where that guy gets shot 'cause they over a bump in the road."  Jack said guiltlessly.  "Why not?  After all, it's just a movie."

      "To you, yeah, but not to those guys."  Maalox explained.  "Movies, TV, stories are just alternate realms of reality.  What's fiction in your world is real in another and vice-versa."

      "Okay,” Jack said, shaking his bowed head.  "Don't get all esoteric on me now."

      "Bottom line, I don't want to get executed- And that's exactly what's going to happen if you hand me over to Amana."  Maalox said, clearly frustrated at Jack.  "Look, about a six months back, I was sitting in the library reading this really weird book... y'know one of those pick-your-own-story kind of books?  Well, I turned to one of them outcome-pages and all of a sudden, a hand reaches out and yanks me into this world.  The only reason the people in this world think I'm a wizard is 'cause I had a Giga-Pet."

      "Wow."  Jack said.  "Talk about getting sucked into a story."

      "Tell me about it."  Maalox said, glad that he was finally getting through to Jack.  "Anyway, my point is that I'm a victim here too.  I didn't want to be in this world anymore than you did, but here we are."

      "True."  Jack said quietly, then turned around and began pulling the wagon once more.

      "All I'm asking for here is the benefit of the doubt."  Maalox continued.  "I can probably even help you and your girlfriend get out of here.  What do you say?"

      Jack said nothing, continuing to simply pull the wagon back to Jill and the others.  However, he did continue to listen.

      "I hope you don't mind that I looked at your 'highly-technical gadgetry'.  It's an alternating-current device, isn't it?"  Maalox prattled.  "You wouldn't happen to know how to rewire it for direct-current, would you?  I do.  I could help you do that, that way you won't have to constantly search for power sources.  I might even be able to make it rechargeable.  You're familiar with Quantum Physics, aren't you?  'Cause I was wondering, is it possible to..."

 

 

[Editor's note:]

[The following scene was edited due to explicit violence and an extreme display of flatulence.  Hey, if you got a problem with PG-13 ratings, go rent a Martin Scorcese film.]

 

 

      Once the fighting had died down to a few minor scuffles, Jill and Vicks surveyed the handiwork of the Rubber Maids and the Dangleberrys.  Curad and his men had arrived just after the siege had begun, but by then, there was nothing left for them to do.  The fighting had only taken a few minutes, Mydol herself having killed many of the defending soldiers with a devastating fireworks display featuring her posterior.

      Upon seeing the few survivors in the act of firefighting, Curad's men set about rounding the stragglers up for a rousing game of Maim and Torture. 

      As order began to take hold, Amana suddenly appeared, amazingly unscathed in her absence from the fighting.  Once Amana had gained the attention of the combatants, she made an announcement.

      "I have just accepted Maalox's unconditional surrender, the Rebellion is over.  This 'Grand Experiment in Democracy' is finished and it didn't work."  Then as an after thought, Amana added.  "There's a kegger tonight in the Royal Hall, and everyone is invited."

      At this, all of the warriors cheered, without seeming to hear Amana's previous statement.  When Jill asked Vicks about it, Vicks confessed that she had no head for politics and had not been listening.

      "You going to the kegger?"  Vicks asked, seemingly unconcerned about the political implications of Amana's words.

      "Sure, I'm always up for a party."  Jill answered casually, sharing Vicks' apathy.  After all, Jill did not think she was going to be around long enough to be affected by Amana's policies.

      Leaving the carnage of the battle behind, Jill and Vicks wrapped their arms around each other's waist and walked into the castle, where they ran into Jack and Maalox.

      "Jack!"  Jill exclaimed, quickly disentangling herself from Vicks.

      "Jill!"  Jack exclaimed, forgetting the wagon he had been towing, and ran to hug his (snicker) Ever-Faithful Girlfriend.  "Oh, Jill, I missed you."

      After prying Jack's arms from around her neck, Jill asked him where had been.

      "I was capturing Maalox!"  Jack said excitedly.

      "No, really."  Jill said, laughing heartily.  "Where were you?  I was actually kinda worried."

      "Really!"  Jack repeated, understanding Jill's disbelief.  After all, Jack was surprised that Maalox had stopped trying to escape so easily, much less allow himself to be captured in the first place.  Turning, Jack pointed out the wizard for Jill to see.  "That's him in the wagon."

      "Howdy do."  Maalox said amiably.

      "Hey."  Vicks returned pleasantly.

      "Good work, Jack."  Jill praised, looking the conjurer up and down, not quite believing what she was seeing.  Maybe she had been wrong about Jack.

      "Y'know, Jill, he's not such a bad guy."  Jack said, as all three of them walked over to the wagon.  "He says that Amana might not keep her promises to us."

      "Well, duh."  Jill said matter-of-factly.  "She's a politician.  Of course she's gonna lie to us.  We wouldn't have helped her if she had told the truth.  Besides, that's the Dangleberry's and the Rubber Maids' problem now.  All that matters is that we got the vacuum back."

      "Good point."  Jack said thoughtfully.  Then continued excitedly.  "Maalox has some pretty good ideas on how to power the vacuum.  It just might work!  According to Maalox, we can have the power source up and running by nightfall.  We can go home tonight."

      "How 'bout we leave tomorrow morning?"  Jill asked.  "There's a party tonight, and I'd kinda like to go."

      "Aww, Jill..."  Jack whined.  "You know I don't like parties.  I always end up sitting with someone who insists upon telling me their dull, sad life story."

      "You don't have to come."  Jill said.  "You and Maalox can work on the power-thingy.  Hey, can you make it portable?"

      "Maybe."  Maalox replied in delight.  "We think Relativity Theory will allow for that."

      "There's only one way to find out."  Jack added, a broad smile coming across his round face. "We'll see you guys in the morning."  Jack said to Jill, then turned and hurried off with Maalox and vacuum in tow.

      "Well, then..."  Vicks said, entwining herself around Jill once more.  "Shall we go get ready for the party?"

      "Sure."  Jill said, looking down at Vicks with a wicked grin.  "Maybe we should take a bath.  After that battle, I think I need a thorough bathing."

      "Sounds good to me."  Vicks purred in reply.

      With that, they went off to prepare for the coming night's festivities.

 

 

Chapter 9

 

Are We There, Yet?

 

      After a complete and vigorous bathing, involving the creative use of candles and ice chips, Jill and Vicks entered the Banquet Hall dressed to kill.  It was not until meeting up with Sassoon and Contac that Jill realized she was improperly dressed.

      "Did you see some Korcs or something?"  Sassoon asked, not even bothering to hide the sarcasm in his voice.  "Relax Jill, it's a party."

      That was when Jill noticed the nearly empty martini glass and a half-smoked hand-rolled herbal cigarette in his hands, and realized Sassoon was right.  They had been dressed for battle, but Jill had followed Vicks' example, forgetting that the Rubber Maids always dressed like that.

      "I was thinking of asking Mydol to perform an Initiation Ceremony."  Vicks piped in.  "Jill might be staying, and we thought it would make things easier if she moved into my place."

      "Yeah."  Jill admitted, with a weak laugh and a forced smile.  "Right."

      "Don't worry, Jill."  Contac spoke up, taking Jill's hand and leading her away from the others.  "I'll help you get acquainted.  It's really a nice place..."

      "So,” Sassoon said, once Jill and Contac were out of earshot.  "Do you want to hire the moving truck, or should I?  Really, you could at least let Trina's body get cold."

      "Love knows no time limit."  Vicks said dramatically.  Then shot Sassoon a dirty look.  "Besides, I was acquitted.  Anyway, what about you?  How many pages ago did your boyfriend die?  At least my ex died before this story began." 

      "Good point."  Sassoon said, finishing off his drink, then handed Vicks his smoke.  "Just don't expect too much from her, she is really not from around here."

      "I know."  Vicks admitted, taking a drag from the rolled herb.  "Hey!  Do you think Jack would be up to sharing her?"

 

      It took Jill twenty minutes to shake Contac.  It was hard, considering the vise-like grip he had had on her hand, but once she had, Jill fled to find a secluded corner where she could think.  Maybe she would find a reason to convince Jack to stay, or at least decide if she wanted to stay.

      Upon thinking, Jill acknowledged that the people here seemed to be a fun loving crowd.  Since she had come to this world, she had attended three heavily drug-laden parties.  That, however, was not including the party that was scheduled to be held after Amana's Coronation- tomorrow night.  Now, while Jill loved to party, she was also reminded that the Romans loved to throw parties, too.  While Jill had not noticed any gladiator fights, she had seen a dog fight and had passed by an orgy in progress when she had followed Vicks to her chamber that first time.

      I'll just leave that issue as undecided, Jill tallied.

      Then, Jill thought, there was the political structure of this world to consider.

      Though she realized that the political system she had come from was far from perfect, Jill knew that adjusting to a monarchy would be too hard for her.  She knew that before long her belligerent honesty would get her executed.

      One strike against staying.

      "Hey there, foxy mama."  A voice said, interrupting Jill's thinking.  Looking up, she saw that the voice belonged to a nameless man leering at her.  To Jill, he looked like Huggy-Bear.  Then again, who was she to judge appearances; she was dressed like a Road Warrior extra. 

      "Am I interrupting?"  The man's voice dripping with wicked charisma.

      "Actually, you are."  She said disinterestedly.

      "Oh."  He said more casually.  "Would you mind if I hung out here?  I owe some people money, and I'm kinda attached to my fingers."

      "I guess."  Jill said.  "Just don't talk to me."

      With a silent smile, the man gave her a thumb-up in agreement and then began to softly hum “Lady Marmalade.”

      Hmmm...  Jill thought.  I wonder if Vicks would want to come with if we left?  What would Jack think of the idea?  Do I even want Vicks to come?

 

*        *        *        *        *

 

      The night’s festivities passed almost without incident, much to everyone’s shock and disappointment.  It was the usual scene of hedonistic self-indulgence; pretty much an average party by local standards.

      The almost part came when Amana and various newly-appointed Nobles decided to engage in a whip-cream fight that ended in the courtyard with lances, swords, and horses.  Though the fight spiced things up for a while, the spectators were disappointed to find that there was a minimum of bloodshed and property damage- the combatants managing to escape with all of their limbs intact.

      The party only ended when the sun rose, causing many of the partygoers to run screaming from any unshaded windows- trails of smoke emanating from their fleeing bodies.

      As a liquor-sodden Jill sat singing off-color drinking songs with several other inebriated partiers, Jack wandered into the party hall. 

      “Jill!”  Jack called out, his voice echoing through the mostly somnolent hall.

      A boot striking him in the shoulder answered him.  Though it hurt, Jack counted himself lucky that the boot was not occupied at the moment of contact.

      “Jack.” Jill answered, ducking a boot herself- this one still being worn by it’s owner.  “Over here.”
      Seeing Jill, the slightly bruised scientist walked over to where Jill sat with her newly acquired comrades.

      “Hey, Jill.”  Jack greeted quietly, keeping a watchful eye out for any other projectile apparel.  “Could I talk to you out in the hall?”

      “Sure.”  Jill agreed and then excused herself.

      When the pair reached the seclusion of the corridor outside the Banquet Hall, Jack turned to look directly at Jill.

      “It looks like you made a lot of friends here.”  Jack observed, soberly.

      “Who?  Those guys?”  Jill asked, pointing a thumb over her shoulder.  “Naw, they’re just drunk and I was the only one still awake who would listen to their battle stories.  Snooore.”  Jill explained, rolling her eyes to indicate her intense disinterest.

      “Oh!”  Jack replied with surprise and then smiled broadly.  “So you don’t want to stay?”

      Jill shook her head.

      “Oh, sure it was fun when we got here.”  Jill explained.  “But the novelty is wearing off.”

      “Really?  Cool.”  Jack responded happily.  “Uh, I mean, Ok.  But what about Vicks?”

      “How do you know about me and Vicks?”  Jill asked, her eyes guiltily darting back and forth.  “Uh, I mean, what about Vicks?”

      “Oh come on, Jill.”  Jack said, his hands on his hips.  “I realize I’m not that swift, but I don’t need to watch Jerry Springer to know what’s going on.  You and Vicks are more than ‘just friends’.  And I know about Curad.  And that one guy a couple of months ago.  And that one girl in my Physics class.  Do you want me to go on?”

      “Ok, ok.”  Jill said.  “I know who I did.  But if you knew about them, why did you stick around?”

      “I guess it was because you always came back to me in the end.”  Jack said.  “And because, secretly, I kinda wanted to join you.”

      “‘Join’ me?”  Jill asked, her left eyebrow creeping up along with a corner of her mouth.  “You mean…”

      “Yeah.”  Jack admitted, a guilty smile spreading across his face.  “That’s part of why I love you.  You’re a freak.  Just like me.  And I was kinda hoping you’d want Vicks to come along when we left.”

      “Really?”  Jill asked, her eyes misting up, her voice raising a full octave.  “I didn’t know…”  Jill began, but became too choked up to continue, opting instead to throw her arms around Jack’s neck.  When Jill finally pulled herself together, she pulled back to look at Jack.  “Wow, we just a serious moment, didn’t we?”

      “I think we did.”  Jack said in a shocked voice. 

“Weird.” Jill replied, shaking her head and then suddenly looked at Jack.  “Hey, what did you come here to tell me?”

      “Huh?  Uh- Oh!”  Jack answered, shaking off a mild stroke.  “That’s right.  I came to tell you that me and Maalox finished.  It took us all night, and we had a few minor setbacks, but I think we nailed it.”

      “Right on.”  Jill said.  “So how long before we leave?”

      “Anytime you want.”

      “You didn’t leave Maalox alone with the vacuum did you?”

      “Heck no!”  Jack said, obviously insulted.

      “Just checking.”  Jill soothed.  “It’s just you two seemed chummy when you hauled him off last night.”

      “Don’t worry, I didn’t forget how he tortured you.”  Jack said.  “I like the WB too, but sometimes I wonder how they get away with playing some shows.  How are you holding up?”  He asked, placing a hand on Jill’s shoulder.  “You’re not still wondering what Dawson, Joey and Pacey are up to, are you?”

      “Sometimes, but I’m doing a lot better now.”  Jill reassured.  “So if Maalox isn’t alone with the vacuum, where is it?”

      “Amana’s there keeping an eye on him for me.”  Jack said proudly.

      “Oh Jack, you bonehead.”  Jill said putting a hand to her forehead, and then amended.  “A loveable bonehead.  Did you forget that Amana can’t be trusted either?”

      “Oh no.”  Jack replied, realization dawning on him.  “I totally spaced it.  I was so excited about finishing the vacuum that it completely slipped my mind, I’m sorry.”

      “Come on.”  Jill said dragging Jack along by his arm.  “I just hope it ain’t too late.  I really don’t want to be stuck here anymore.”

 

      When Jack and Jill arrived at the place where Jack had left the Quantum Suck, the couple found that guards had been posted just outside the door.  Upon seeing the guards, Jill grabbed Jack by the collar and back-peddled around a corner, her hand covering his mouth.  After a long, panic-filled moment, Jill peeked around the corner to see if they had been spotted.

      Nope.

      “Jack.”  Jill whispered into her fiancé’s ear, to which he let out a muffled giggle.  “Shhh.  I don’t want those Braveheart extras to know we’re here.”

      “Sorry.”  Jack said once Jill had removed her hand.  “But that tickled.  What are we going to do?  I don’t think those guys are going to let us in.”

      “Well, no, they won’t let us, but…”  Jill began outlining her plan to get the vacuum back into their possession.

 

      “Hey there boys.”  Jill said; walking down the corridor toward the two guards, as Jack remained concealed around the corner.

      “This area’s off limits.”  The guard nearest Jill said. 

      “Oooh, you’re cute.”  Jill said stepping closer to the guard and then looked over at his fellow soldier.  “So are you.”

      The second guard smiled and blushed.

      Virgin.  Jill thought.

      “You guys are missing the party.”  Jill said in a sultry tone, invading the first guard’s personal space bubble.  As Jill traced a circle on the man’s chest, she continued to speak suggestively.  “They’re playing spin the bottle in the dungeons.  I heard they have an interesting house rule, wanna come?”

      “Uh.”  The second guard interjected.  “We’re not supposed to leave our post.”

      Definitely a virgin.

      “Duty calls, I suppose.”  Jill said, her lips becoming pouty.  “How about a quickie?  Just around the corner there.”  Jill said, pointing over to the same corner that Jack was hiding behind.

      As Jack listened to his girlfriend speak, he tried to think of baseball, but it was hard.  Too bad these guards are on the wrong side; otherwise, Jill was right, they were cute. 

      “I don’t see the harm.”  The first guard said, smiling at Jill.  He then turned to the second guard, saying:  “Dewey, you stand the watch while I’m gone.”

      “But-” Dewey began to argue.

      “You can have her next.” 

      “Fine.”  Dewey said unhappily.

      “Why not both of you now?”  Jill asked.

      That question forced Jack to start thinking of swimming in ice-cold streams.

      Both guards looked at each other, then nodded in agreement.

      “But we gotta be quiet.”  Dewey said, looking around warily.  “Noise echoes really far on stonework.”

      “You better stuff something in your mouth then.”  Jill said as she began to lead the two guards back to a waiting- and heavily breathing- Jack.

 

      “It’s all mine!”  Amana cackled madly, her face dramatically under lit, as she loomed over her newly acquired vacuum.

      “And away she goes.”  Sassoon said, not quite so discreetly referring to Amana’s mental condition.

      “Whoopee.”  Maalox hailed, as he sat securely tied in the corner.  “I don’t suppose it would help my case any if I told you that I know how that thing works, would it?”

      “Maybe.”  Amana said, looking over at the bound mage.  “Depends on how much you know.”

      “I know enough to keep it running for you.”  Maalox continued hopefully.  “But that won’t matter if you have me executed.”

      Before Amana could reply, the door to the room burst open; the room’s inhabitants looked over to see Jack and Jill walking through the doorway, brandishing the swords the recently dispatched guards had been good enough to provide.

      “Hey Amana.”  Jill greeted cheerfully.  “Jack said you’d be here.  I just wanted to tell you I had a good time at the party and that I’m going to have to pass on your job offer.  Sorry.  I decided to take the vacuum and go home.  Thanks for the fun time though.”

      “That’s ok.”  Amana answered.  “I can find someone else for the job.  But I’m afraid I can’t let you take the vacuum.”

      “No.”  Jill said as she edged closer to the rethroned princess, pitching her voice into a low growl.  “That’s my vacuum and I’m taking it with me.  Now, either you can play nice or I can get medieval on y’all.  Your choice.”

      There was a long silent moment as Jill and Amana only stared at each other. 

      “We could flip a coin.”  Sassoon offered.  He wanted to see some action, and he was not alone; Jack and Maalox had, what could kindly have been called, disinterested expressions as they watched the staring contest.

      That was when Amana let out, what could have been mistaken as, a war cry and then ran at Jill; Amana’s sword raised above her head, meaning to strike Jill with a swift, decisive blow.

      As the spectators held their breaths, mostly because Maalox had farted, time seemed to slow. 

Then suddenly it was over.  Jill sidestepped Amana easily and, in the same motion, neatly decapitated Amana.

“Aaawww.”  Maalox groaned, clearly disappointed at how quickly the fighting had ended.  “This is worse than a Mike Tyson pay-per-view.”

“You’ve never seen an Akira Kurosawa movie, have you?”  Jill asked, letting the sword drop to the ground.

“I’ve seen ‘Akira’.  Does that count?”  Maalox asked honestly.

“Actually.”  Jack interjected.  “It was more like Bushido Blade.”  Upon seeing the questioning looks of the others, Jack explained.  “It’s a video game.”

“Right.”  Sassoon said and then turned to Jill.  “Thanks, I was looking for an excuse to go back to the Rubber Maids.”

Before Jill could answer, Vicks burst through the open doorway.

“Jill!”  The girl yelled upon seeing her latest heartthrob and then ran over, throwing her arms around Jill.  “I just heard what happened.  Are you all right?”

“Dang, news travels quick.”  Jack observed.

“I’m fine.”  Jill said, prying Vicks’ arms from around her waist.  “I’m glad you showed up, I need to talk to Jack and you about some stuff.”

“Ok, Maalox.”  Sassoon said, untying the wizard.  “I think we should make a graceful exit.”

“Right.”  Maalox said, trying to stand up and then promptly fell on his face, bloodying his nose.

“Graaaceful.”  Sassoon mocked.

“Naw, that’s ok.  You guys don’t have to leave.”  Jill said to the wizards and then returned her attention back to the still clinging Vicks.  “Jack and me wanna know if you want to come with when we leave.”

“Ok.”  Vicks said happily.  “I want to see where you two live.”

“Actually.”  Jack interjected.  “We have separate apartments.  Adds variety.”

“Cool.”  Vicks said, taking on the characteristics of a very annoying puppy.

“Right on.”  Jill said excitedly.  I can just bring her back here if it doesn’t work out- or if I get bored.

“So, that’s it?”  Maalox asked.  “You guys are gonna leave, right now?”

“Looks like it.”  Jill said.  “Why?”

“Well, we have to throw a going away party.”  Sassoon said.

“Another party?”  Jack asked.

“I think we’re gonna have to pass.”  Jill said.

“Oh come on.”  Maalox goaded.  “There are going to be a lot of people who’re gonna want to shake your hand.”

“Really?”  Jill asked suddenly.  “I’m not above a little hero worship, but I still think we should be going.”

“Suit yourself.”  Sassoon said, shrugging and then, on his way out of the room, he said: “If you’re ever in the neighborhood, drop by, we’ll throw you a party.”

“Well.”  Maalox said awkwardly, the toilet paper sticking out of his nose had not helped.  “It was fun.  See you guys around.”

“Don’t you want to come with us?”  Jack asked.

“No, I only wanted to come along because Amana was going to kill me.  But since you killed her, I don’t have to worry.”  Maalox admitted as he crossed the room to follow Sassoon.  “Bon Voyage.”

      Once Maalox had gone, Jill looked down at the two people who clung to her like ivy.  This is going to fun, Jill thought as a broad smile came across her face.

      “I got an idea.”  Jack said suddenly, looking up at Jill and then over at Vicks.

      “What?”  Vicks asked.

      “Well, once we teleport, we’ll be naked.  For some reason, the Quantum Suck doesn’t transport clothes.”  Jack explained to Vicks.  “So, I was thinking we could take a bath or a shower.”

      “Ooohh.”  Vicks responded.  “A shower sounds good.”

      “Let’s go then.”  Jack said excitedly and then remembered something.  “Don’t forget the vacuum.  We don’t want to lose that again.”

      “Right.”  Vicks answered, grabbing the device.

      “Hey.”  Jill interjected as Jack and Vicks pulled her toward the door.  “Do you think that Dewey guy would want to join us?”

 

 

Chapter 10

 

Doh!

 

 

      Jack groaned softly as he reclined lazily in the heated pool adjacent the showers.  Every muscle in his body ached; it had been a long time since he had performed that much physical activity.  It was amazing to Jack that Jill and Vicks were still going at it.  With each passing hour, it seemed to get more heated and passionate between the two of them.  Finally, Jack had to throw in the towel; he just could not keep up, he was too out of shape.

      Hearing movement, Jack looked to his left to see Jill and Vicks, both dripping wet, emerge from the showers.

      “Who won?”  Jack asked.

      “Vicks.”  Jill said, slowly easing her tired body into the pool beside Jack.

      “You both put up a good fight.”  Vick commended, following Jill into the pool.  “I’ve just been doing it longer.  Since I was eight.”

      “Really?”  Jill asked.  “So young?”

      “Yeah, well my dad insisted.”  Vicks answered.  “He used to say, ‘practice makes perfect.’  Every morning before school, he’d wake me up and we’d do it in the driveway.  Sometimes we’d do it at the park near my school.  On Saturdays we’d make a day of watching other people.”

      “Ugh.  My dad used to do that too, but after awhile he gave up.”  Jack said.  “I’m just no good at basketball.”

      “You weren’t that bad.”  Jill said.  “At least you didn’t trip over your feet, and you even scored a basket.”

      Jack smiled; indeed, he had managed to stay on his feet. 

      “So.”  Jill said after a moment of silence.  “Do you think we should get going?”

      “Let’s rest for little while longer.”  Jack urged, feeling his back starting to pop back into place.  “This bath is much nicer than my tub.  I want to enjoy it while I can.”

      “That’s cool.”  Jill consented as Vicks nodded in agreement.

      After playing “hide the soap” for a while, the newly formed trio settled down for a nap before finally readying to leave.

     

“How does this work?”  Vicks asked, poking an exploratory finger at the vacuum.

They sat cross-legged before the device partially clothed in deer hide swimsuits.  Considering what had happened when the vacuum brought them here, Jack theorized that they would end up naked once they teleported, but he wanted to try an experiment anyway.  He hoped that, since they were organic, the deer hide just might teleport with them, thereby reducing the level of awkwardness when they returned home.  At least that was what he was hoping would happen, but then he had always wished he was a little bit taller and that had not happened either.

      “Well, when we came here.”  Jill said, brushing her hair.  “I think we were all touching it.”

      “Yeah.”  Jack said, rereading the first part of the story and then looked up at his companions with a smile.  “Everyone ready?”

      “Good to go.”  Vicks answered, gripping onto the handles atop the vacuum.

      “Let’s do it.”  Jill said, also gripping the handles.

      “Here we go.”  Jack said, as one hand gripped the vacuum and the other flipped the mechanism in reverse.  After taking a deep, calming breath, Jack turned the power on.

      That was when the Tyrannosaurus made it’s entrance into the Royal Bath.

      “Aaaahhhh.”  Vicks screamed.

      I guess she doesn’t have Discovery Channel.  Jack thought.

      “Jack!”  Jill yelled unable to take her bulging eyes off the T-Rex.  “Get us out of here!”

      It was not until the dinosaur roared, the sound amplified by the close quarters, that Jack heeded Jill’s instructions.  Flipping the control from ‘blow’ to ‘suck’, Jack closed his eyes as the gigantic lizard began to move toward them.

 

      Then suddenly the beast was gone, along with the Bath.

      Looking around, the group found themselves sitting on a cold metal floor.

      Oh man, Jack thought, no clothes.

      “Uh, Jack.”  Jill said her eyes still wide but for a different reason.  “Where are we?”

“Oh man.”  Jack said as he looked around the room they had materialized into. 

The room was huge, much like a warehouse, but the storage containers were not made of anything Jack recognized.  That was when a loud piercing alarm assaulted their ears.  The sound was a cross between a car alarm and Fran Drescher’s voice, and accompanied by bright red flashing lights.

“Something tells me this is not the vacuum factory.”  Jack said as he cowered slightly behind Jill and Vicks.

      “What tipped you off?”  Jill asked sarcastically.

      “I think we have company.”  Vicks said, pointing over to a large doorway that currently allowed several armed men to enter.

      “Remain stationary.”  A voice ordered sternly. 

Looking over, the threesome saw a tall, handsome man emerge from the cluster of soldiers.  Though the man was not armed, his subordinates were not so easy going; Jill counted twenty weapons pointed at them.

“Dude.”  Jill concluded.  “This officially sucks.”

 

 

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