UglyDucklings


	UGLY DUCKLINGS by ROGER IVERSON 4418 North 32nd Tacoma, WA 98407 � 2000 SETTING Around a pond which is in a wood, far from any human thing; morning. CHARACTERS Canker Weasel lowdown, dirty, rotten, oily dude Papa Platypus hen pecked, slow, whining, a trifle dim Ernest Franklin III a stately old owl Mrs. Pushy Tortuga mother turtle and school marm Softshell Tortuga her daughter a tie-died naturalist Mrs. Tattlina Shrew A small, gossiping trouble maker Mr. Prideling McBeaver a hard dam working Scotsman Mrs. Patty Duck the new mother, a bit of a ding-a-ling Baby Ducklings: Darling academician, teacher�s pet Starling gifted artist, theatrical Farling talented at sports, competitor Ralph looking for his talent in life PRODUCTION NOTES The set�s focus is the duck nest, possibly just Left of Center. It is made of hay and some sticks, raised a few feet. Up Right, the dam stretches off stage. A painted background of trees, cattails and the pond itself would be a nice compliment behind. Have fun with the costumes! They, and the makeup, are an integral part of each character. The more detailed, the better! Mrs. Shrew and Papa Platypus could be played by the same actor. (The lights are dim. Frogs and crickets softly sing. It is a quarter till morning on The Pond when WEASEL enters, dragging a large egg behind him.) WEASEL What a find! Cooked with a little pond grass and butterfly wings, this egg will make a magnificent meal later this morning. (Pulling it into the Duck�s nest near the other three eggs.) Ahh, the reclusive life as a weasel is grand. I takes what I finds to live off the land! (Weasel slinks out of sight as the lights come up to full. Sounds of a forest pond can be heard waking up for the day; birds, the rustle of a brook, frogs, a light breeze� EARNEST is all in a flutter, helping PATTY on stage to sit upon her eggs.) ERNEST We owls are wise but I don�t know anything about hatching your duck eggs! What can I do? What can I do? PATTY Nothing, Earnest. ERNEST There must be something! Can I get you a pot of hot water? PATTY A pot of hot water? They�re going to hatch, Ernest, not be hard boiled! ERNEST Well how about a doctor? Can I get� PATTY Oh there goes another tremor! ERNEST Who-who! Shouldn�t I get Doctor Mallard to come help, madam? PATTY Doctor Mallard! That quack? I wouldn�t have him come within ten webbed feet of� Oh my! There�s another rumble! They�re on their way! ERNEST I�ll fly to the underworld to apprehend your help, Madam! PATTY More matter with less art. ERNEST (Mrs. Duck goes through labor behind) I�ll get your friends, Mrs. Duck. The Shrew Clan and Mouse Manor and all the tasty little tidbits of Our Pond. �And I won�t eat a one of them. PATTY Well Get Going, For Crying Out Loud, Ernest! Go! ERNEST Yes. Of course, Mrs. Duck. Fare thee well, then! Fare thee well! PATTY (Nervously awaiting the hatching of her children, doing her breathing exercises) Good riddance... If only my husband were still here. (Her eggs begin to really shake,) Ohhh� Here they come! (One at a time, the three ducklings pop up, out of their eggs, looking fluffy, yellow and very cute. They yawn and stretch a little, rub eyes.) Oh, just look at my three beautiful ducklings! You�re the spitting image of� Me! What should I do now? Oh, I know! Names. They need names! Let me see. (DARLING nuzzles up with PATTY) Aren�t you darling. I�ll name you Darling! And you have stars in your eyes. I�ll call you Starling! (FARLING runs and jumps across the stage and back.) Wow! That was far. You, I�ll name Farling! DARLING (Wearing glasses) Being the eldest, I would like to say just how pleased we are to be here. Isn�t that right, fellas? STARLING and FARLING Oh yes, indeed, brother. Very happy. We are very happy indeed! DARLING And furthermore, I believe we should get into that pond and commence with our aquatic mobility skills. Isn�t that right, siblings? STARLING and FARLING What did he say? I don�t know. What does that mean, Dude? Show off� DARLING Fellas. Let�s get swimming! STARLING Oh, yeah! FARLING Sure! I�m there, Dudes! DARLING Last one in is a lame duck! PATTY Wait a minute! Everything�s happening so fast! Your speech is so� DARLING intellectual? PATTY No� FARLING Resourceful, penetrating, clever� PATTY No� STARLING Imaginative, original, piquant� PATTY No� DARLING Scintillating? PATTY No, not that either� I know! Smart! That�s the word I was looking for. Your speech is so smart. You certainly do take after my side of the family. DARLING Yes Mother. �Smart� would work as well� If we were in Spanaway! Now, may we please learn to swim? PATTY Shouldn�t we all get to know one another first? DARLING, STARLING and FARLING NO! PATTY Well, I just want to be a good mother� DARLING Great. We came to the right place, then, eh brothers? You can start by teaching us how to swim. PATTY Yes, of course. That�s a nice idea, Darling. Let�s go! (They all start off towards the pond. The fourth egg begins to wriggle and struggle to get out, making muffled noise. PATTY stops to look back.) PATTY Dear me! We almost forgot the last egg. STARLIG It can take care of itself, Madam. Let us go, brothers! PATTY Oh, no. We mustn�t leave your brother, or sister, alone! FARLING Starling�s right, Big Lady. It can take care of itself. Let�s get wet, Dudes! PATTY Definitely not, children. We will all stay here until your brother, or sister, is hatched. DARLING, STARLING and FARLING (Grumbling as they sit.) Yes, mother. We�re sorry. You�re right as always. FARLING Who wants to go swimming anyway. I mean, sheesh! We�re only DUCKS! (They all sit around the fourth egg. It becomes still for a moment then with a burst of energy, out through the shell comes its bill, wide and brown.) PATTY Oh my! FARLING A brown bill? DARLING How strange. PATTY This one must take after your father. (Enter EARNEST, MRS. TORTUGA, SHREW and SOFTSHELL.) EARNEST We�re almost there, everyone. If we hurry we might just see all four eggs hatch! MRS. TORTUGA Four eggs? That�s funny. Mrs. Duck only had three eggs yesterday. MRS. SHREW Isn�t it a shame she has to go through this ordeal alone, Mrs. Tortuga? MRS. TORTUGA Well, Mrs. Shrew, I�m told Patty sent her husband, Mr. Duck, out for a box of quackers one morning and that was the last she saw of him! MRS. SHREW Word is he flew the coop to France, of all places! MRS. TORTUGA He�s probably pat� by now! MRS. SHREW Mallards are all the same, Deary� Shiny colors on the outside� MRS. TORTUGA and MRS. SHREW �And dull on the inside! (The two share a brief interlude of laughter.) ERNEST Excuse me, Mrs. Tortuga, but didn�t you have three eggs of your own? Where are your other newly hatched? SOFTSHELL I�m the only one that made it! MRS. SHREW What? ERNEST The only one? MRS. TORTUGA Two weeks ago Weasel found my nest and before I knew it, made off with two of my unhatched eggs! MRS. SHREW Oh, I am so sorry, Deary! ERNEST Weasel is a thug! MRS. TORTUGA He�s pond scum beneath my shell! MRS. SHREW The rotten devil! MRS. TORTUGA When I had that rascal in my class at school, he was a handful, believe you me, Deary. Typical of mammals, I might add! SOFTSHELL Typical! MRS. SHREW And just what do you mean by that, Deary? STARLING Stand back. Here comes some more! (Then out through the opposite end comes its tail, flat, brown and with skin!) DARLING, STARLING and FARLING OH, MY! PATTY What? What�s the matter? Is something the matter with my baby? FARLING Are ducklings supposed to have skin on their tails? PATTY Skin! Did you say skin? STARLING You heard him correctly, Madam. And there�s some really scruffy fur attached as well! PATTY FUR! That�s impossible! Mammals have fur and we�re NOT mammals!� That�s your father�s side for sure! Oh� (She faints. Her sons rush to her aid.) (Enter MR. MCBEAVER, racing past EARNEST, MRS. TORTUGA and SOFTSHELL.) EARNEST Hello, my good man. Are you here to watch the hatching? McBEAVER (Speaking in a broad Scottish accent) Can�t be bothered with chit chat now, Ernest. Got a dozen leaks to fill before noon! (Exit) ERNEST But we�re witnessing a miraculous event� (To MRS. TORTUGA and MRS. SHREW,) Mr. McBeaver is a stickler about his dam. I suspect he�s trying to win the eye of some nice she-Beaver! McBEAVER (Dashing back on carrying a load of sticks) �Tis more than that, Mr. Franklin. Have you never stopped to consider what terrible damage might occur to all our neighbors. Lives weigh in the very balance, they do! If I stop my work, panic and pandemonium would reign rampant sure as my Scottish blude is red, sir! ERNEST Please Mr. McBeaver, calm down! Things can�t be all that bad. McBEAVER Not all that bad, he says! Maybe you haven�t noticed, Ernest, but I�m the ONLY Beaver round these parts! Most o� my kin ended up as gentlemen�s top hats long ago, may they rest in peace! I just hope the government doesn�t force me to install a fish ladder for their Precious Salmon! (Exit) FARLING What happened to Ma? STARLING She fainted. Giving birth to a grotesque beast will do that to a woman. FARLING Where�s that terrible smell coming from? STARLING Oh, gross! It�s the egg! DARLING I�m afraid it�s gone bad, Mother. STARLING It�s a bad egg, all right! DARLING, STARLING and FARLING (Dropping everything) Let�s Go Swimming! (MR. MCBEAVER enters. At that moment the egg breaks forth and out pops RALPH� A platypus!) RALPH Did I make it? Am I out? Yes. Yes I am! I, I hear bees busily buzzing about� DARLING They�re attracted to his certain scent� RALPH I can breath the dewy scent of our pond. My life is about to start, and great things will begin to happen any moment� (Opens eyes.) I can see! Mother? PATTY Son? Daughter?? MRS. SHREW What a pity you�ve come up with such an ugly child! That reminds me of Mrs. Mouse�s son, Micky. STARLING Boy, has that egg ever gone bad! FARLING Yep! He�s a bad egg, all right! MRS. TORTUGA Now, Patty, I�m sure things aren�t all that bad. (Looks back at RALPH,) Well, look on the bright side, Deary. At least you still have three other beautiful, talented ducklings. RALPH I�m beautiful� McBEAVER �Tis a sad day to be sure, lassie. �Tis probably got no more talent in its bones than feathers on its back! RALPH I�m talented� MRS. SHREW Ugly, ugly, ugly! ERNEST Could it be a mutant duck?� Some sort of leap forward in the evolution of your kind? We may be witnessing what ducks will be like in the future! RALPH I just feel ordinary� SOFTSHELL Mommy, mommy! Am I a mutant leap forward in the evolution of turtles? MRS. TORTUGA Good Heavens, no Softshell! We turtles have been like this for millions of years and we�ll remain just like we are for millions more, if I have my say! MRS. SHREW I know! Maybe the egg got too much sunshine and dried out. Do you remember the snake family that lived up stream� RALPH Well, I think that I� McBEAVER No, no! It�s obvious the egg didn�t have enough yoolk in it! MRS. TORTUGA What do you know about eggs? You�re a mammal! EARNEST Yes! Who do you think you are? McBEAVER A Scotsman, that�s whoo! RALPH Excuse me, but� EARNEST And I say it is a mutant leap forward! MRS. SHREW Maybe the egg had a crack in it. I remember� RALPH But what about me? SOFTSHELL I think he�s cute! MRS. TORTUGA Maybe I didn�t rotate it the same as the others� DARLING, FARLING and STARLING Mom! Can we go swimming now?? (Everyone starts to offer their own idea of what RALPH might be. As the arguing crescendos, RALPH tries to get their attention without luck. Finally he yells�) RALPH What about me!! McBEAVER Why it�s the little lad himself that�s got something to say. All right laddie, what is it that�s all fired important, then? RALPH Well, first of all, I don�t feel like a mutant. I mean, if I were a mutant, I�d be the first to know, wouldn�t I? (Everyone agrees.) ERNEST The two things I know are logic and reason. And that logic stands to reason! RALPH (To PATTY) And second of all, you�re the one who�s kept me warm at night, gently turned me during the day, defended me and kept me safe... PATTY I have?? RALPH You�ve taken care of me when I couldn�t take care of myself. You�ve loved me without getting anything in return... PATTY I have� RALPH Maybe I�m not as smart as my beautiful brothers, but doesn�t all that mean you�re my �MOM?� You�ve got to be my mom. You just have to! PATTY (Bursting out with emotion) Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes! I�ve got to be your mom! (They embrace as everyone cheers.) There, now, you need a name. Let me see, we already have Darling, Farling and Starling� I�ll call you Ralph. Ralph, is a sensible name for a brother� Or Sister, or whatever� RALPH Brother. PATTY Then it�s settled. Kids, meet your new brother, Ralph! (The three ducklings, not happy, are embraced by PATTY and RALPH. Enter WEASEL.) WEASEL Well, well, well! Isn�t this cute! Pat� and her new little family are all cuddly, cozy in one another�s arms. It makes me just want to� RETCH! ERNEST Now, Weasel� Mr. Weasel� Who, who� Who� Who do you th-think you are, c-c-coming in here, s-s-scaring th-th-the women and ch-ch-children like this? WEASEL I�m a mammal that eats eggs for breakfast! That�s �who-who-who� I am! ERNEST �J-J-Just wondering, my good man� McBEAVER Holy Saints Alive, the scaly wag! Step aside, Mr. Franklin! �Tis is a job for a Scotsman! Pick on someone your own size, why don�t you, Canker� I mean, Mr. Weasel! WEASEL Like you, McBeaver? McBEAVER W-W-Well, actually I w-w-was thinking of B-B-Bob Cat. WEASEL Well, B-B-Bob Cat isn�t here right now, is he McBeaver? I left an egg here this morning� Which one of you is my breakfast? Maybe I�ll have Duck soup? (All ducks exit off as WEASEL approaches.) Or maybe a nice beaver sandwich with boiled turtle. (The rest exit leaving only SOFTSHELL cowering behind RALPH. WEASEL looks them over.) Eating shell food is not very neat! Too much work for a scrap of meat! (Aside) Impressing the little ones with occasional pain, is how I stay on top of the chain. (Exits) SOFTSHELL A little scrap, huh? I�d like to show him who�s scrappy! He�s got bad karma! (To RALPH) Hi, ya. My name is Softshell. Your newly hatched, aren�t ya! I gnawed out of my rubbery shell yesterday. Welcome to Our Pond, Ralph. RALPH �Thanks� SOFTSHELL Do I detect a little negative energy, here? What�s eating you, Ralphie? RALPH (Indicating WEASLE�S exit) Well, I hope not him! SOFTSHELL Weasel? Don�t worry about him! Personally, I think he�s short on electrolytes! I could whip him up a meadow flower and tofu salad that would straighten him right up! But he�s a meat muncher! RALPH You sure don�t sound like you�re afraid of him. SOFTSHELL Me? No way! RALPH How come? SOFTSHELL If he ever bothered me, Ma told me to suck in all my body parts and hide in my shell! RALPH But I don�t have a shell� SOFTSHELL Oh, yeah� That is a problem, Ralph. Hey, do you want me to show you how I can hide? It�s a real neat trick! RALPH No, thank you. Not right now. I think all Weasel needs is someone to be friends with� Someone to talk to. He�s probably just lonely and feeling lost inside� SOFTSHELL Helll-oo! You�re talking about Canker Weasel, here, Bub. Ma says he�s just a typical meat muncher! They live on the misery and death of the rest of us, Ralphie! We need to stand up against such tyranny. Show the power of the people! �Then if he�d bother me, I�d hide in my shell. What d�ya say we go swimming. RALPH I don�t know how to swim. SOFTSHELL You got to learn sometime. And it might as well be now, right? Come on! We�ll all learn together. RALPH Well I�m not sure� SOFTSHELL Of course I�ve already had quite a few lessons, myself. Come on, Ralphie! I�ll show you how! RALPH I not a talented swimmer� SOFTSHELL (Pushing RALPH along as they exit) Ma says, "Practice brings excellence and excellence brings talent." RALPH Do you always listen to what your mom says? SOFTSHELL Only when she�s right, Ralphie my boy. Only when she�s right! (SOFTSHELL and RALPH exit. PAPA PLATIPUS enters through audience.) PAPA PLATYPUS Horaaatio! I�d rather be made into a rugby ball than go back to Mama without her egg! I�ll just sit a bit to rest my weary webs. (Sits on an audience member and jumps up in fright.) Aaahh!! Oh, my� You gave me a start! Hey, have you seen a baby platypus come by here? I reckon he�s hatched by now. Mama said he was going to be a boy. She always knows these things. She knew that Ophelia and Gertrude would be girls and Claudius and Rosencrantz would be boys. Have you seen my son? Any of you? His name is Horatio� (Ralph comes out onto the stage to get his rubber swim cap and goggles PAPA, sent by the audience, goes on the stage to find RALPH. The both of them criss cross, turn around back to back, etc. but all without ever seeing one another. RALPH exits) Well, I can�t find him here. I guess I�ll keep looking over there. (Exits.) (Enter ERNEST and his entourage of would-be actors going over their monologues.) ERNEST All right, everyone! Let�s quiet down, now. Welcome to the first day of school. We are holding auditions for Hamlet, my favorite Shakespearean tragedy. I am looking for emotion, Emotion, EMOTION! So dig deep! Are you ready? THE KIDS Yeah! ERNEST Shall we begin? THE KIDS Yeah! ERNEST If you want to be the first to audition, step forward. (Everyone except RALPH steps backward.) ERNEST So you�re the brave one, eh? RALPH Me? No! (Sees he stands lone.) I�m not sure I can act� ERNEST Everyone can act! Look at me. Right now I�m acting like I enjoy being surrounded by small creatures who don�t know Shakespeare from a webbed foot. RALPH Well, maybe if I try� Maybe if I talk and react and think like the character, if I muster my motives� Maybe I could become. Yes, that�s it! Maybe, just maybe I can strip off this outer pelt of ugliness that is me and become something bigger, brighter! Something more beautiful! (RALPH looks at his script, turns it around, upside down, completely befuddled.) I can�t read yet. Could I just try� ERNEST NEXT! RALPH But, but� ERNEST Sorry, Kid. Theater life is tough! Who�s next? RALPH But If I could just� ERNEST Mrs. Shrew, would you mind making some dittos of this script for me? MRS. SHREW Of course, Earnest. (Exits with a large stack to be dittoed.) ERNEST (To STARLING) What about you, the one brooding, over there in the corner. (RALPH sits.) DARLING Here we go� FARLING He�s not brooding, Director-Dude. He�s in character, I think. SOFTSHELL In character? FARLING Ever since he heard about your auditions, he�s been acting very peculiar� DARLING And driving me crazy! STARLING (No longer a duckling, but an over-the-top HAM! He might even wear a goatee.) If you have tears, prepare to shed them now. Bear with me; My heart is in the coffin there with Caesar, (He pauses to let that sink in. EARNEST starts to talk but is cut off by an even bigger�) Kind souls, what, weep you when you but behold Our Caesar's vesture wounded? Look you here, Here is himself, marr'd, as you see, with traitors. (STARLING ends with a flourish of a bow.) EARNEST MAGNIFIQUE! ASTOUNDING! You�re the talent I should�ve become! With your talent and my brains, we�ll be famous! STARLING I thanketh thee, Squire. DARLING Give me a break! STARLING How �bout I breaketh your wingeth. (McBEAVER enters with the kids, ready to coach his soccer team.) McBEAVER All right now! Listen up, you little wet-behind-the-ear, pansy smell�en tadpoles. As your school soccer coach, I�m going to take the lot of you lily liveried weaklings and turn you into MEN! SOFTSHEL But can�t we all just live in equality and harmony, without gender bias? McBEAVER Holy Saints Alive! Mrs. Shrew, ditto five copies of this soccer play book. And I want it yesterday! MRS. SHREW We paras aim to please! (Exits with book.) McBEAVER Let�s see what we�ve got here, then� (To RALPH) You! Dribble this soccer ball down and back. And be snappy about it! (RALPH first tries to dribble it like a basketball�) Here, you! �Tis not a bleed�n basketball! Use your feet! Holy Saints Alive! (�Then RALPH tries to dribble it like a soccer ball but is awkward about it and finally trips, falling on his back, with arms flailing, unable to get back up.) RALPH Help! Help! I can�t get over! McBEAVER So you can�t get oop now, can you? RALPH A bird is going to peck out my soft underbelly! Help! (SOFTSHELL to the rescue!) McBEAVER Maybe you could go play cribbage with Old Widow Sloth! Who else�ll try, then? FARLING I will. McBEAVER There�s a laddie. Show us what you can doo, then. FARLING Well, with one kick, I can ricochet this ball all the way around our pond, Mr. Funny-Talking-Soccer-Coach-Dude. (FARLING takes the soccer ball and gives it a mighty boot off stage left. From behind the set, starting from stage left, we hear snapping twigs, chicken screams, a moo, breaking glass, a bomb whistling, church bells, a horse, a crashing car, pots and pans, etc. until finally it comes bouncing back on from stage right.) McBEAVER With you as Capt�n of the team, we�re bound to crush any team who dares to cross us! Why, you�re talented enough to play on the water polo team, me lad. FARLING But I can�t play water polo. McBEAVER And why not? FARLING Coach-Dude! I don�t have a horse! McBEAVER Holy Saints Alive! (MRS. TORTUGA enters into her reading class, ringing a bell.) MRS. TORTUGA Class, calm down, now. Mrs. Shrew, I need something� MRS. SHREW Ditto. MRS. TORTUGA You need something too? MRS. SHREW No. I mean you need me to ditto, right? MRS. TORTUGA Yes I do! Here are just a few things� And these� Oh, and this last pile. MRS. SHREW (To the audience.) At least it�s a step up from being a playground duty. (Exits) MRS. TORTUGA So far, class, we�ve had a lot of readers from the Eagle Group. (Looking at RALPH, the only one in his group.) Would anyone like to read from the Worm Group next? (RALPH hides behind his upside down book.) EAGLE GROUP I�ll read! Me! Let me! I can! MRS. TORTUGA Anyone at all from the Worm Group? EAGLE GROUP Oooo! Me, Teacher! I can! Pleeeeease� MRS. TORTUGA Well, if there are no Worms, let�s hear from our prize student, Darling, in the Eagles. DARLING Would you like me to translate this wonderful passage into Cantonese as I read? CLASS No. DARLING Possibly Portuguese? CLASS NO! MRS. TORTUGA Young man, I need someone of your intelligence to be my Teacher�s Assistant. What do you say? DARLING What�s in it for me? MRS. TORTUGA The highest grades in the class. DARLING I�ll do it! (The class erupts in groans of disgust. Everyone else exits except DARLING, STARLING and FARLING who greet their mother in the nest. PATTY enters.) PATTY Well hello, boys! How was your first day at school� Just a minute! (She counts her children,) There�s only three of you! Who�s missing? Which one! STARLING Ralph, Madam. PATTY Did Weasel get� FARLING Chill, big lady! He had to stay after school. DARLING Mrs. Tortuga made me her Teacher�s Assistant! Needless to say, however, our younger prot�g� did not fair to well in his first day of academic endeavor! FARLING Or studly sportsmanship! STARLING Alas, nor in the arts, Madam. In fact, he was a complete flop! FARLING A washout! DARLING An ignoramus! He doesn�t belong, Mother. Next time only have triplets. (Enter RALPH, dejected.) STARLING (To DARLING and FARLING) Come thither, brothers. Let us go swimming. FARLING Yeah, Dudes. The air suddenly got foul. DARLING (As they exit.) Wait a minute. We are foul! FARLING What do you mean, we�re foul? STARLING I do not a foul make! DARLING NO! Foul! You know, birds! FARLING Well that�s not what I meant! (Exit.) PATTY Let�s sit down over here and talk. Why do you seem so sad? RALPH Seem, Mother? I know not seem. This ugly pelt I show, is but the garment of my woe. PATTY �OK� What did you learn in school today, Ralph? RALPH Nothing. PATTY Oh come now. You must have� RALPH I was bad at everything, Mom. And my own brothers made fun of me! How can I take part in life when I have nothing to offer? PATTY Here, Ralph. Have some cookies and milk. RALPH Cookies and milk? I�m in crisis mode and that�s the best you can do? (PATTY continues to console RALPH in their nest as DARLING, FARLING and STARLING swim near the dam Down Right.) FARLING If you�re going to hang with me, Actor-Dude, you got to lose those silly threads! Haven�t you ever heard of Nike? STARLING Ah, yes, Nike. The wing�d messenger to the gods� FARLING No, Dude! Nike the tennis shoe! DARLING That�s enough, you two. Let us begin our aquatic exercise. (They begin to swim. Enter WEASEL, lurking about the dam.) WEASEL (Enters from behind the dam.) Culling the herd is easy to do: Pick the defenseless and munch �em right through! (Aside) I come from a long line of cowards. RALPH Mother, I�ve eaten all the cookies and now I feel worse. Food is not the answer. PATTY Funny. It�s always worked for me. Many of our pond�s perplexing problems would disappear if more creatures shared a warm current bun. Have a bun? FARLING Kick the water. Kick the water. Kick the water back! Kick the water. Kick the water. Kick the water back! Kick the water. Kick the� DARLING I believe we understand the concept, brother! FARLING You got to keep the rhythm, Nerd-Dude� DARLING And I wish you�d STOP calling me that name! FARLING You got it, Geek. (WEASEL�S head pops up in the middle of them.) WEASEL Hello, kids! Anyone for a game of Bob-for-Ducklings? DARLING, FARLING and STARLING AAAAHHHHHH!! (Over the next few lines, the BROTHERS struggle with WEASEL from behind the dam.) PATTY Don�t compare yourself to your brothers, Ralph. They�re getting what they deserve. But your day will come. Listen to The Voice inside you for guidance. RALPH They�re so popular and talented and confident and cruel� I hope someday I can get what they�re getting right now. PATTY No, no, Ralph. Don�t be jealous. They�re getting what they�re worth. And someday you�ll get what you�re worth. RALPH I hope so. PATTY And Weasel will get what�s coming to him also. (At this, the tide turns on WEASEL and the three BROTHERS escape with their lives but not before the dam springs a dozen leaks.) RALPH All Weasel needs is a friend, I�m convinced of it! PATTY Listen for The Voice inside you. Someday you�ll hear The Voice speak directly to you� McBEAVER (From Stage Right, near the dam.) Helllp!! (RALPH and PATTY stop, slowly turn and look at each other.) RALPH �Mom �Did you hear that?� McBEAVER (Still off stage.) I need another sturdy beaver tail to help me! The dam! She�s breakin� up! We�ll drown like vermin! RALPH (Like a trance.) Is the voice supposed to sound like Mr. McBeaver? PATTY It�ll do! But Ralph� There might be danger! RALPH Danger, Smanger!! (With renewed confidence, excitement and strength, he goes to help McBEAVER. Afraid of the impending doom, DARLING, STARLING and FARLING come into the nest to cower with their mother. Later MRS. TORTUGA, ERNEST and SOFTSHELL also come in, seeking solace in their community.) SOFTSHELL Ralphie and Mr. McBeaver are fighting against death to save us all! Who�ll help? (DARLING, STARLING and FARLING each point to the other brother.) DARLING I can do a cost analysis to rebuild, in two days. With federal funding it�ll take longer. STARLING I can act out the tragic story of Ralph�s death! FARLING I can play basketball! SOFTSHELL None of that well help! ERNEST Well, don�t look at me! SOFTSHELL Birds of a feather! FARLING Does that mean I don�t get to play basketball? RALPH More sticks, Mr. McBeaver! And MUD! (McBEAVER gives them, then exits.) WEASEL (Sputtering.) Help! I�m drowning! RALPH What was that? (RALPH finds WEASEL behind the dam, face down and almost dead.) Don�t worry, Weasel! I�ll save you! (RALPH pulls WEASEL out from under entangled sticks, gives him CPR and revives him while...) McBEAVER (Enters nest area wet, exhausted.) I�ve never in all my long lived days seen a finer, more spirited, talented worker than that bonnie lad o� yours, Mrs. Duck! Are you sure there�s no wee bit o� Scotsman in his blude, then? The dam, she�s fixed, she is, and I could no do it without him! SOFTSHELL Look! Here comes Ralphie now! (RALPH enters covered with mud and pond grass� Arm and arm, and laughing, with WEASEL! The crowd stands agape.) WEASEL You saved my life, Ralph. That�s more than anybody has ever done for me. Anything you want, you got� Anytime! I mean that, Kid� I know where some nice turtle eggs are! EVERYONE You saved Weasel?! RALPH Of course. He needed help. Besides, he�s a great guy! EVERYONE He�s CANKER WEASEL!!! SOFTSHELL Ralphie� He�s a Meat Muncher! RALPH He�s also our neighbor! What if everyone despised you, treated you like an outcast� WEASEL Thanks, Kid... RALPH Used your name for a joke� WEASEL OK, we get it� RALPH Made fun of you behind your back� WEASEL Are you helping me here?� RALPH Spoke about you as if you were filthy, putrid, puss filled� WEASEL Puss filled!� RALPH Sewage laden pond scum, full of disease and pestilence, how would you react to all of that, Softshell? SOFTSHELL I see what you mean. WEASEL �Puss filled?� RALPH How would any of us react if we were ridiculed to the point of� WEASEL OK, Kid, I think we got the idea here� RALPH Mr. Migillicutty said it best: "Beauty is not something you see. It�s something you ARE." If all of us decide to break the ugly cycle we�re caught in, maybe we can have a kinder, gentler pond. MRS. TORTUGA That boy should be a politician! RALPH You�ll have to be a productive part of our pond, though, Canker. Find that artist in you again. WEASEL OK. I�ll try. But we�re not going to get all touchy feely here, are we, Kid? I don�t do touchy feely. McBEAVER Aye, that�s me lad, �tis! ERNEST Ralph does have gifted insight into creature feelings and motives. I�m willing to like Weasel if everyone else is� (EVERYONE goes to greet WEASEL into their fold.) WEASEL I don�t know what to say� I.. I, I know! Can I make you all an omelet? I have some turtle eggs ripening and� (EVERYONE is sickened or repulsed or insulted by his generosity.) RALPH Probably it�s best to give those back to Mrs. Tortuga. WEASEL Oh� Yes, I suppose so. MRS. TORTUGA Getting my eggs back won�t make me forget about your shenanigans in my classroom, young man! I�m still waiting for that final Promotion Policy math project and then you�ll graduate. And not a moment sooner! WEASEL Yes ma�am. (DARLING begins to laugh at WEASEL.) MRS. TORTUGA I wouldn�t laugh too hard, my pompous little poultry. As of right now, Ralph here is my new Teacher�s Assistant. McBEAVER Send Those three little wise-acre ducklings o� yours to me, Mrs. Duck. I�ll bring �em down to earth, teach �em an honest day�s work and give �em a dose o� Scotsman�s bloood!! ERNEST Leave it to Beaver. (PAPA PLATYPUS enters.) PAPA PLATYPUS Horatio! Where are you son!? Maybe these locals can help me. (To PATTY) Have you seen a young platypus round here? (PATTY shakes her head no. Then to DARLING.) How �bout you? (DARLING gives it great thought then happily shakes his head no as well. Then to RALPH.) What about you, youngster. Have you seen a young platypus running round lost as a dingo, looking out of place, without family or friend? Well, have you? RALPH (After a great pause to consider his life�) Why no, sir! I have not seen anyone out of place or without a family! Here, we�re all one wonderful genus species! PAPA PLATYPUS I guess I�ll just keep looking. Mama�s goin� to roast me on the bar-b for this! It�s tough being married to a platypus� (Aside to RALPH) Psst! How do you stand it round here? RALPH What do you mean, sir? PAPA PLATYPUS How do you stand being round all these ugly creatures? RALPH They grow on you. PAPA PLATYPUS Like a fungus, I reckon� Horatio! Come to Papa, son� Horatio? (exit) RALPH Horatio?? What kind of a name is Horatio! (He giggles) Horatio!! (At first RALPH sniggers. Then he teeters which is followed by uproarious, full bodied laughter. The others follow his lead.) DARLING You�ll always be Ralph to us, brother! STARLING Oh, I don�t know. I rather like Horatio. FARLING You would, Actor-Dude! SOFTSHELL Ralph is a leader among creatures� McBEAVER As hard a worker as any Scotsman� WEASEL He�s a forgiving fine featherless friend� DARLING A brilliantly benevolent brother� STARLING An affectionate artist� FARLING A tender teammate� PATTY A beautiful boy! SOFTSHELL (Running over to give RALPH a hug.) A very beautiful boy! Oh, Ralphie! I�m so proud of you. Thank you for sharing your talents with us. You saved our pond! Let�s go throw Ralphie into the pond, everyone! RALPH Wait! Wait! Swimming is NOT one of my talents! ALL It will be soon! (The creatures carry RALPH off stage on their shoulders.) STARLING (Comes Down Center as everyone else exits.) If we shadows have offended, Think but this, and all is mended. Try, we did, to teach you well The lesson of this little bell: That beauty�s not just how you look But how you act, and your outlook. These change the vision of our eyes, Determine if you are a prize. (DARLING, FARLING and a dripping wet RALPH enter, looking for their brother. They find him and try to playfully chase him off stage.) Your unhid gifts will always show Your loveliness and inward glow. So give your hand, if you be friend, And we shall call this play to end. ~THE END~

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