CRY CRY1 COPH . ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ | (__` () | | | | ) | _| |______)___|\_\___ | |______;____| |______| ______ ______ _______ ______ ______ ___ ______ PUBEHAIR ===================== |___| ===================================== #69 . November/December 2000 HELP CRY2 for contents ================================================================= CRY2 ================================================================= Table of Contents ================================================================= CRY3-CRY3: Desk of the Editor Word to Big Bird CRY4-CRY11: The 2nd annual CoP Realms Awards!! See the sexy sexy results! With special guest commentator Crotch Face CRY12-CRY15: Prophecy Place Prediction: Funny Bones will suck. CRY16-CRY16: Quest and Contest There is a chocolate egg hidden in Vir's folds. Beware, before thou goest any further: there is more than one brown egg, but only one be of chocolate. CRY17-CRY17: Poets Corner Roses are red, arterial blood is blue I wear black makeup and watch "the Crow" regularly because I am a jerk. CRY18-CRY21: Funny Bones [Sucked.] CRY22-CRY22: Thanks! ================================================================= CRY3 ================================================================= Desk of the Editor By: Khardra Khuntastic ================================================================= Hail and well met, gentle readers. In my position as editor of the greatest news-publication in the Realms, I get many letters. I owe it to my readers to answer some of them publicly. P.S. Shout outs to kuahsi-literate and the rest of the gang down at the old Cark of Despair. Dear Khardra, I was an ailing 100-year old man whose brain was transplanted into the body of a luscious 22 year old woman. I have a problem with compulsive masturbation. What can I do to alleviate this problem? Autoerotic in Alabama Dear AiA, My Vietnamese roommate listens to N'Sync and Christina Aguilera nonstop. He never watches anything but sports on TV. He does not play sports, unless Playstation counts.He never reads books or newspapers. Sometimes he sings along. I once walked in on him masturbating. He was watching Three's Company on TBS. Dear Khardra, DIE FAYGET!! U suck shit on ur mom. Peece out, trash. HardDCORE Hustlah Dear HH, My Indian physics professor sounds like Apu from the Simpsons, except much more incomprehensible. His handwriting is also terrible. Basically I try to decipher the notes but mostly I just read books during the lecture. Recently I read "Random Acts of Senseless Violence" by Jack Womack. It is the chilling near-future tale of Lola, a 12 year old girl living in Manhattan with her sister, Boob. Her good-girl voice, filled with innocent dread, gradually mutates into a kind of terrordome-speak, a lingo that mixes hip-hop cadences and linguistic neologisms on the order of A Clockwork Orange. Also, she is a lesbian. LIKE YOUR MOM. ================================================================= Elmo is a pimp, yo. by Jovan Juniper ================================================================= Sunny Days, chasing our cares away Making sure we stay the hell out of elmo's way 'cause he's one bad motha fucka, he's one bad motha fucka... Elmo Pimps hoes Elmo Pimps hoes And he'll pimp you too Unlike Snuffleupagus, Elmo makes the bitches huff and puff on his... nuts Cause its like that He's a pimp, from Seasame Street Fuck with Elmo and you might get beat Like Cookie Monster got beat When he was playing cards with Elmo and tried to cheat But Elmo saw him trying to cheat So he got out his seat Wooped out his meat and gave Cookie Monster a treat Now that blue bitch is missing a few teeth Now how many cookies can he eat? None mutha fucka, cause he got busted in the mutha fucking mouth, YEAAH Elmo Pimps hoes Elmo Pimps hoes Big bird, big bird, better check what you've heard I heard big bird wasn't down with the turd I told Elmo, about that shit Elmo made Big Bird suck his dick Then he hit 'em in the beak And said, "You weak, you weak" Then he said get out the kitchen if you can't stand the heat 'cause I'm the mutha fucking pimp of Seasame Street Elmo Pimps hoes ================================================================= Watching Frasier is both fulfilling and stimulating by Kundarlini Kaka ================================================================= [ 18] Kundarlini: Watching Frasier! Thu Nov 9 20:43:06 2000 To: Khardra Frasier is one of the best shows in the world. Everytime I am extremely bored, I go and turn on my television just to watch it. It is fun to watch when I have nothing better to do except for sitting and rotting. I suggest you try to watch it also when you are extremely bored. It could keep you unbored for 30 minutes. If you are not bored, do not watch this show. Because watching it while you are not bored, would be a total waste of time. Kundarlini ================================================================= A Discourse on the Secrets of Men by Mangor Mestabador ================================================================= I have many confidential secrets in which none of you are entitled to know. Among these secrets include the names which i have chosen to give to my genitalia. These secrets are vastly secret, and nothing more secret could every be made to more secret than my secrets which I have chosen to hold secret from youse. Thus, these secrets I am holding secret shall forever be known as secret, and from hereon i declare you in need of my secrets in case my secrets are every needed to be disclosed into unsecretdom. Secrets compose our life, and we need secrets more than we need sexual activity. The secrets i have in store for you will shock you greatly, so i shall keep them secret more and more. Phallic secrecies are in general more secret than others people men such as Phallicydes indulged themselves into secrets about their phallic and nonphallic pleasures, and kept these secret to themselves. We, as noble citizens of poop, shall keep our secrets secret forever. In the name of Secretion, I Declare our World READY to secrete. Secreterius Mangor, Fagus of the Feenicks. ================================================================= ================================================================= I enjoy llamas , by Trembyl Turdy ================================================================= Llamas make a better companion that most other barn yard animals I have had the pleasure of spending a night of passion with. Their soft, odorless hair makes for good grips and provides a bountiful array of positions that can intensify the sexual experience. Their tongue is not rough like a cat, (do not attempt to intice a feline into performing oral sex upon your love sceptre) yet is is long and slathered in the mucusy saliva that they produce. Further, Llamas have a higher tolerance of pain, which makes for a longer, prolonged climb to orgasm (and less neighbors complaining of screams). For this reason, I no longer enjoy the company of humans when I am horny. Llamas are far less upkeep then, say a female human. When you are finished, you can tie a llama outside to the tree, give it some grass, and you are good to go. For those who have tried this with a lady, the results are not quite the same. Llamas are good. ================================================================= Guys who watch Ally McBeal are not wussies, by Spek Spoop ================================================================= It has come to my attention that some people think people who watch Ally mcBeal are wussies. HELL no! Ally mcBeal watchers know something you ignorant fools don't. Ally is about all that is good for men and mankind. It brings up subjects spanning from the pure vitality of a man's life as we know it. What other show can offer such a variety of slutty chicks? Ally has them all. Skinny chicks, thai chicks, lesbian chicks, easy chicks titty chicks, african american chicks and bitchy chicks to name but a few. Even Charlie's angels chicks making out with sick-ass thin chicks. What more can a guy want for cheap entertainment? Not watching Ally will keep you from bringing these very essential manly needs into your all so boring real life. Ya'll should get your thumbs from up yous asses and sit back and enjoy the neatly disguised porn that this show has. Carwash screwing, bigamy, sexual harassment, lesbianism. Only way Ally could be better was if Ally herself was an underage pig or something. Time for you wanna-be quasi chickshow morons to open your eyes and see what this show actually is about! True men say 'I watch Ally mcBeal, and I'm proud of it' ================================================================= As you can tell by my smiley faces, I'm not stupid - by Tetorynsexy Titful Lol :) Did you want to discuss with me the Hegelian dialectic? =) It's composed of 3 parts, the thesis, antithesis, and synthesis. ;) It's really kewl. :-D Hegel's primary object in his dialectic is to establish the existence of a logical connection between the various categories which are involved in the constitution of experience. :-> hehehe that reminds me of that time I wuz on the bus. BRB, I have to use the little boys' room! :-{8 OK, I'm back. .-) . It must be remarked that the type of transition, which we have just sketched, is one which is modified as the dialectic advances. :\ I was on the bus and a swarthy man gave me a magic lamp to rub. But when I did, it wasn't a genie that came out. >:( ================================================================= Dear Zefe, by Zefedobe ZoomBlade ================================================================= Subject: Dear Zefe Dear Zefe, Recently I discovered my affinity for small animals, I find furry animals to be cute and cuddly. I especially like mammals. Sometimes when no one is around me and my pets, I like to sneak them into the barn and make sweet love to them for hours on end. Most are good animals, and lie still, but I have found that when I start on the cat, my horse gets jealous and sometimes attempts to mount me from behind. I find this to be sick and distgusting, I would like to know how I can get my horse to stay in it's stall. Sincerly, Inbred Dear Inbred, I found myself once in a similar situation, except it was with gorgeous women. You see since I am not a sick fuck, I don't have to deal with animals attemptin to ream my ass crack. However since we do not edit these letters for content, I will offer you the solution that seems most helpful to others with your problem. A young man named Jason Sterling once had a similar problem, except he was being taken from behind by a cow he called Vazer. He told me that by simply removing Vazer's penis, he no longer experienced pain, when the cow began to hump him, because his rectum was no longer being stretched. Of course I don't know how reliable such a solution is since Jason also told me that I was missing out on life because I had not yet suckled the itty bitty titties of an opossum. Lovingly Yours, Zefe ================================================================= ================================================================= Role-playing is cool, by Dekkath Danglesack ================================================================= Dear Sirs... I am writing on sightings i witnessed outside the windows of the casino-bar i occupy in darkhaven. I saw a man... rather.. a crotch-man running around with a rake up his bumm. Perhaps this was a sign of the times? A time to love one another regardless of how much another might want to enter our expulsory oriphaces? I use Crotch and this Assrake as an example to follow. The one with a face like a crotch and an anus like a canyon spoke to me on this day... saying his addiction to men grows stronger, and that we members of realms should recognize this and participate in extending the distance between his reddend cheeks. Nay i say to that! Such Assmastery should be left to those who have no recourse and cannot score with females. How many times have I witnessed man love on the streets, manlove in the alleyways, manlove in the mouths of high ranking GoV members? Only once.. Damnit. I do not wish to witness it again. In Confidence, Dekkath Danglesack ================================================================= Official CoP log, by Khardra Khooper ================================================================= You say 'so, here's some freaky shit' You say 'i am masturbating and watching pornographic movies on my computer' Allanthya says 'you in contact with bob?' You say 'and i hear the key to the room turning in the lock' Allanthya says 'nice shit' Allanthya says 'who's there?' You say 'so i lightning fast click on zmud to cover it, and put my shirt down over my dick' You say 'my roommate' Allanthya says 'that's so funny' You say 'so, im pretty sure the locked door prevented him from coming in fast enouhg' Allanthya says 'he suspect anything?' You say 'but now, im sitting here with my dick under my shirt' You say 'and hes not leaving' You say 'and i dont know if its safe to tuck it away' Allanthya says 'Man.. you're in trouble' You say 'it's frustrating as hell' Allanthya says 'whats he doing?' You say 'he's watching tv' You say 'the tv is sorta pointed to the middle of the room tho' You say 'like i am in his peripheral vision' You say 'gar' Allanthya says 'shait' You say 'a quandary indeed' Allanthya says 'think he's suspecting anyhthing?' You say 'i dont know' Allanthya says 'damn.. wish i could help ya man :P' You say 'like, if he suspected something, wouldn't he leave?' Allanthya says 'prolly' You say 'if i walked in on him, i would leave :P' You say 'this is mortifying' Allanthya says 'man.. i feel sorry for ya' You say 'yeah' You say 'i hate having a roommate :P' You say 'a man needs to be able to masturbate at pornographic movies whenever he wants' You say 'that should be in the constitution' You say 'bill of rights' You say 'ok, my dick got all shriveled and limp and i tucked it fast' Allanthya says 'good for you' You say 'very unsatisfying' Allanthya says 'what a turnoff eh?' You say 'yeah' You say 'the porn mpg is still playing like hidden by zmud' Allanthya says 'eew' Allanthya says 'any sounds?' You say 'no' You say 'i turned sound off' Allanthya says 'Man.. i should've logged this' Allanthya says 'That was some funny shit' You say 'i practiced like clicking on zmud and flipping my shirt over really fast' You say 'i can put it in the cry of pubehair volume 2' Allanthya says 'do that' more to be added.