CRY CRY1 COPH . ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ | (__` () | | | | ) | _| |______)___|\_\___ | |______;____| |______| ______ ______ _______ ______ ______ ___ ______ PUBEHAIR ===================== |___| ===================================== #41 . September/October 2000 HELP CRY2 for contents ================================================================= CRY2 ================================================================= Table of Contents ================================================================= CRY3-CRY3: Desk of the Editor No one reads this. CRY4-CRY10: The 2nd Annual Realms of Despair Awards Like a beauty pageant. I will be Jon-Benet. CRY11-CRY12: Prophecy Place Plagiarized quasi-humor at its nitty-gritty best. CRY13-CRY13: Quest and Contest Can you create a corset that is both comfortable and sexy? CRY14-CRY16: Treasure Chest Useless CRY17-CRY19: RoD Genealogy Make stuff up about yourself and pretend it's real. CRY20-CRY24: Funny Bones HILARIOUS CHANNELS AND TITLES CRY25-CRY25: Thank You ================================================================= CRY3 ================================================================= Desk of the Editor By: Khardra Khuntastic ================================================================= The Cry of Pubehair is proud to present to you a large file of pure unaltered smegma. Even thus, it will compare favorably with the ever puerile soi-disant "cry of despair". Why is it that every half-ass punk thinks he has what it takes to write a decent quality publication? In fact, he doesn't. Half that shit they write wouldn't be accepted at a grade school paper. But is that as low as we can go, really? I intend to lower the bar down past the writing of UPN's "Malcolm and Eddie". When I get through, your IQ will be at least 5 points lower. When I get through, the cry of despair will seem like Shakespeare. I declare war on you, the staff of cod. If you think your blather is empty-headed, you have seen nothing yet. Bring your damnable hunt, we'll see who survives. Your obedient servant, Khardra Khuntastic ================================================================= Mystical Adventures in Role-playing by Role-playing bum-rammer ================================================================= Verily, I and my brother were off in the woods to the west of yon Darkhaven, when I noticed the most peculiar odor coming from my hauberk. When I took it off, I found a large cock-a-roach had crawled inside and drawn a pentagram on my ample bosom with his black feces. Forthwith I gave a loud shriek and hurried hither to wash it off. Meanwhile my brother was sculpting a large papier- mache sculpture in the shape of a barrel organ. Damn his worthless hide! From thence, we are at the fountain at darkhaven. An apparently insane elf druid asked us "do u know where wepon shop being?" It gave me such a dreadful fright! I have not had to deal with such a low class of people, as I am the princess queene of Kontaur, and I am used to my manservants lambasting anyone who gets in my path. Alas. haha no i gotat get teh downloaed files differetly..bc/ she sent me 4 files..but liek half the pictures ARE WHACK hahah NOO it's slang please! hahah dats it i have halfbreed language Damnation! Forgive me, diary. Yon words were meant for my magickal mindlink with my brother. What manner of foul happenstance be this!? It bodes not well for the future of the realms of despair. This scroll is sealed with the BumRammer family insignia. ================================================================= ================================================================= and now, a cry of pubehair special edition log. start nazi-poonra.txt Goomra: That log with Lyrias doesn't do anything for the maturity of pkill :( DekkatH: Huzzah! You say 'pompous :P' <1207/1207hp 907/937m 610v 946al 8061877> DekkatH: pompus? <1207/1207hp 907/937m 610v 946al 8061877> Jovan says 'damn you' Jovan says 'dammmmn yuo' Jovan: yes! Khalad: pampers Goomra: No, it shows how immature Sintram was in the convo :/ Khalad: we have a log of you being quantum spiked =( Goomra: You didn't kill me, and I was LD. Khalad: but you were terribly hurt Goomra: Actually, that's about right. Phoenix can only manage LD people. DekkatH: nod, mained. Khalad: be specific, ld mages Jovan: hah, you don't even know what your talking about :p Goomra: I was mained? 'Goomra is making voodoodollies [Head-QM][Bloodletter].' She is a female level 50 Gith Thief, 854 years of age. She is a non-deadly player, and belongs to the Order MaidenStone. Goomra has accumulated 79 glory in her lifetime. She has found succor in the deity Taboo. Her homepage can be found at http://www.geocities.com/goomra/ Her email is: goomra@hotmail.com Her icq is seeingsomeoneelse! Goomra's personal bio: . :. ,.. :. ,.. .' ::.::'.' : ::' .: Blood drips.. : ::' .: Silence insues.. `.: .: .:/ The deed is done.. |. _:===-' No rest for me.. / / ,---.---. __,',' (-`. \ ) )','.,---.. The battle.. `v`\ | ,' .-'.:,'_____ `. Failed..forgotten.. )|/.--.------. ----. \ But the memories.. _/-'_.-- ""---.._`.| Haunt me.. _.---_.-- ""' _..----_.(-- __...------_..---- Man can control Man.. ,'___...------ But it shall never control death. Jovan: you had a naked vampire Khalad: definetly mained Jovan: who tried to boss people around, and then you were run off pkill DekkatH: nodnod Goomra: I don't like the sound of being mained. Khardra: do not forget yon goomra's REAL contribution Khardra: the baby-killer illum hq Goomra: I liked that place. Jovan: the hq that was designed like a peaceful hq? Jovan: HAH Jovan: guard mob was stuck in a deadend :( Khardra: amidst poorly worded descriptions with faux goth pretensions, there was poor architecture and mobs Goomra: I didn't make the mobs Khalad: 'faux goth' Khardra: but you admit the faux goth pretensions! Jovan: you named 'em :( Goomra: *shrug* I did the rdescs. And oui, I did the faux goth rooms Goomra: I didn't even name them. Khalad: 'faux goth' Khardra: here lies a lamp made out of human skin with lots of blood and severed cheerleader heads and things Khalad: that sounds quite 'faux goth', and pretentious Herne: Mmm...cheerleaders Goomra tells you 'Any knowledge of the nazi persecutions?' <1207/1207hp 912/937m 610v 946al 8061877>whois self 'Khardra is also known as "Edward Jizzerhands".' He is a male level 50 Gith Mage, 767 years of age. He is a deadly player, and belongs to Clan Phoenix. Khardra has accumulated 100 glory in his lifetime. He has found succor in the deity Finaglera. His homepage can be found at http://geocities.com/rodespair/hoenix.html Khardra's personal bio: I was told to change my last bio because it was inappropriate. As a good Nazi I felt that I had to obey. "Parallel to the training of the body, a struggle against the poisoning of the soul must begin. Our whole public life today is like a hothouse for sexual ideas and stimulations... This sensual, sultry atmosphere leads to ideas and stimulations at a time when the boy should have no understanding of such things. ... And is it not deplorable to see a good number of these physically weak, spiritually corrupted young men obtaining their introduction to marriage through big-city whores? No, anyone who wants to attack prostitution must first of all help to eliminate its spiritual basis... If we do not lift the youth out of the morass of their present-day environment, they will drown in it... This cleansing of our culture must be extended to nearly all fields. Theater, art, literature, cinema, press, posters, and window displays [and MUD bios] must be cleansed of all manifestations of our rotting world and placed in the service of a moral political, and cultural idea. The right of personal freedom recedes before the duty to preserve the race." -Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf" Dowlin tells you 'are u a ture skin head or a pozer' You tell Goomra 'yes' You say 'http://www.geocities.com/rodespair/Logs/poonra-attack.txt' Goomra tells you 'So obviously you will note the connection with the execution, skinning, and making of household lampshades of the jews. ' You say 'Goomra tells you 'So obviously you will note the connection with the execution, skinning, and making of household lampshades of the jews. '' You say 'what should i say now' You say 'this bitch is just too much :P' You tell Goomra 'yes.' You say 'i think shes a nazi secretly :P' Khalad says 'ask her why the fuck she's telling you this' You tell Goomra 'i do not understand the point' Khalad says 'and call her a scunt' Goomra tells you 'So, in fact, it was not entirely "Faux goth", but in fact the area was built up with symbolism.' You tell Goomra 'does this mean you are a nazi?' Khalad says 'skanky cunt' Jovan says 'ask her if she's a skin-head' Khalad says 'it's a great word' Goomra tells you 'No. It does not mean I'm a nazi.' Jovan says 'the big fat ones, with the iron boots' You tell Goomra 'with nazi symbolism?' Khalad says 'just call her a nazi repeatedly' Goomra tells you 'No. Not with nazi symbolism.' Khalad says 'like, repeatedly' You tell Goomra 'nazi scunt!' Khalad says 'oh, that's good' Khalad says 'goomra is a nazi' Mangor clantalks 'www.geocities.com/goomra' Khalad says 'this is what we shall constantly say from now on' You say 'You tell Goomra 'nazi scunt!'' Goomra tells you '*laugh*' Khalad says 'excellent' Mangor clantalks 'she likes herself' You say 'everyone tell her nazi scunt!' You say 'like, now' Khalad says 'You tell Goomra 'take your nazi propaganda elsewhere'' Jovan says 'I thought she looked like a fat man' Jovan says 'why does she look like a skinny asian' You say 'you didnt mention scunts?' Khalad says 'i implied it' You say 'not that skinny' You say 'she looks pretty gross actually :P' Khalad says 'i'd probably fuck her' =============================================================== =============================================================== I LIKE NAKED WOMEN by DuriaN FireFarts ================================================================= I like naked women the end. =============================================================== =============================================================== Hoetry Corner with your hoest, Delanrin SmegmaScourge ================================================================= Guest hoest Khardra makes an example haiku, in which the first line has 5 syllables, the second has 7, and the 3rd has 5: goomra is a man. he smells like elephant ass. why must he exist.' From: Delanrin To: Khardra Subject: Haiku in da hizouse? Goomra is gay: the haiku. Goomra is a man. A gay man, and also fat. Why must he exist? Delanrin: assraker To: Khardra Cuddling on a bench, Under an old newspaper, Azrakare and VaCh. Delanrin says 'rectal chastity. no longer possessed by vach. he shits vaseline.' Azrakare: 'I pump vach's man-ass he squeals but does not wiggle. i have taught him well.' Delanrin says ' vir is a buff mage. all the newbies say he is. he is also fat.' Delanrin says 'felchamanohin, mudsexes illuthia, but they both are men.' Delanrin says 'i couldn't fit an adam's apple thing in' Guest Hoest Khalad: Khalad says 'delanrin is here' Khalad says 'touching and prodding my bum' Khalad says 'condoms are not used' Khalad says 'vach and azrakare' Khalad says 'in true love eternally' Khalad says 'share their anuses' Khalad says 'Cafezaki left. Merida had no leader. He mudsexed Darrek.' Khalad says 'haiku is quite gay. I hate fucking poetry. I failed english class.' =============================================================== From: Khalad WillNgrace ================================================================= To: Pubehair Subject: Article Bartender Khalad's Drink of the Month: ***Manhattan a la Faceripper*** Rye or Bourbon, Sweet Vermouth, Cherry Bitters (if desired). Next Month: The Cafezaki Collins From: Khalad To: Pubehair Subject: Bong Corner Uncle Khalad's Bong Corner: ***The Crippler*** Sometimes known as the reverse gravity bong, The Crippler cripples your abililty to do anything but sit and giggle like a 4 year old watching Barney. Take your average, everyday 2 litre soda bottle, and make a small hole in the bottom. Cover the hole with your finger, and fill the bottle almost to the top with water. Put a filtre (tinfoil works superduper) on the part you'd pour out of, and pack a bowl. Spark it, and take your finger off the hole in the bottom. As the water goes out, the smoke goes in. Inhale the smoke once the water is gone. Pass it to your friend. Repeat this process. Next Month: "The Supertoker!" From: Khalad To: Pubehair Subject: Chef Chef Khalad's Pkill Munchies: ***Pappa Sever's Cinnamon Twists*** You need: 3 eggs 1 cup of sugar 3/4 cup of vegetable oil 2 teaspoons of baking powder 3 c. flour (approximately) 1/2 cup cinnamon-sugar Combine eggs, sugar, oil, and blend well. Stir in dry ingredients (use just en enough flour to make a soft dough). Roll pieces of dough into long, penis-thic thick rolls. Dip in cinnamon-sugar. Twist into vagina-like forms. Place on a lightly greased (Pappa Sever reccomends K-Y)) baking sheet. Bake at 375 degrees for 10 to 12 minutes, then enjoy! Next Month: Khardra's Nut Crescents' =============================================================== =============================================================== 'Merida are fags' by Sithrian SpoogeSeeper =============================================================== From: Sithrian To: Khardra Subject: Gay Merida! Even after the leaving of Merida, its been noticed that they still fight in the same fashion. For lowbies, we better log a char 5 levels higher than whats on, cause we'll get our asses raped! (Merida thinking) And even then, they can't seem to get the KB's on any decent pk'r, they just seem to hunt those newbies, (who are probably alts of Merida) just so they can get more pk's. How Gay! Okay, some Merida arn't as gay as others, but most of their lowbies are! Only lowbie I've seen with skill would be Gutekkyn. And he had 5 levels on me (Sithrian). And the funniest thing I've seen! Is that Merida always seems to die to Illuminati, checking the Illum vic list will almost always haev at least 15 Merida lowbie deaths. How sad=/ Especially after they start bashing Illum! Goo Merida! Well, I guess you can't help it too much, Cafezaki's must have somehow influenced some of your pk skills. I'll talk shit, go kill a newbie and when a skilled pk'r logs, I better FleecalL! Now I see where Tade learned his gay method of looting lowbies. It was tought to him by Faceripper... Go Mr.Face, Sithrian, the sexy Daemonite! =============================================================== =============================================================== Re : Merida are Fags by Shargate SilkStockings =============================================================== Let's analyze the number of lowbies that pk often in Merida : Machello's lowbies, and some people that're much newer to pk who I've inducted in order to train. I've also got a few of my own on the way, but I haven't really fought with them yet. Now, as to whether or not they're the best lowbie pk'ers in the world or not, I could care. BUT, before you start pulling these "facts" out of your ass, maybe you should take a look at what any of our victories have looked like. I specifically yell at people for killing 5 over, or killing unclanned/levellers, unless they're sure that the char is the alt of someone who's not a newbie. Any victories list of ours that's been around shows that. As for the whole Faceripper comment... I like Face, I find him funny, however, he's hardly eq'ed. If you're in his range and you die to him, maybe you shouldn't be pkilling. If he loots the person... I really doubt they lost anything all that valuable or hard to get. P.S. - As fleecalling goes, you're hardly the person to talk. Stay in town on your avatar for more than 30 seconds in an av fight. =============================================================== I lactate- by Sever SoupSlut =============================================================== Often I lactate. At first seen as a chance to explore my feminine side, it quickly turned ghastly. Waking up in the middle of the night, touching my already erect nipples, still sends quivers of delight down my, yes. So, I'm fukin this chick right, and i can tell I'm about to come so I leap off her and rip of my condom and gizz all over her face. I then proceeded to roll over and go to sleep. I _never_ lactate. Love. =============================================================== =============================================================== Personal Ads =============================================================== I have lost my puppy Spot. He is a grey St. Bernard with brown eyes. Enclosed is a portrait of Spot and his friend Fifi. Spot is the one on top. If you have any information to the whereabouts of Spot, please contact the editor of the Cry of Pubehair. +---------------------------------+ | __/o \_ | | \____ \ | | / \ | | __ //\ \ | | __/o \-//--\ \_/ | | \____ ___ \ | | | || \ |\ | | | _|| _||_|| | | | +---------------------------------+ =============================================================== =============================================================== MY BUTTCHEEKS ARE CHAPPED by Mangor MammothMoon =============================================================== From: Mangor To: Khardra Subject: My personal ails I would just like to point out that for a very long time, my buttocks have been chapped. Ever since phase 12, i have not been my original self because my buttocks started chafing. I have no idea why, but god sent me to piss the world off. I think the chafing is due to some kind of rare disorder, which only afflicts my kind. As we speak right now, there is a great deal of scuffy white fiberish thingys that are coming off my butt cheeks. Luckily, this affliction does not affect my central butt cheek, aka anus. BUt nonetheless, my butt cheeks are chafing and chapped. Thank you, please respond. -Mangor =============================================================== I PREFER TO URINATE SITTING DOWN by Geanlakki GumGoober =============================================================== From: Geanlakki To: Khardra I like to pee sitting down. It is very fun and stuff. In fact, I love to pee sitting down. It helps because sometimes I have to take a crap too. Girls also find me more attractive when i pee sitting down. They would rather see me pee sitting down instead of standing. This is useful because it is. I can also watch tv in my bathroom while sitting down. It is more comfortable then standing up. I never get tired while peeing. If I stand while peeing, I can sometimes get tired and fall down, causing me to piss all over the floor. But peeing while sitting helps a lot. I have heard that it also can prevent prostrate cancer and stuff. I hope that the rest of you will start peeing while sitting, instead of standing up. Geanlakki =============================================================== =============================================================== FUNNY BONES by Shargate SugarMama =============================================================== Funny Titles seen around RoD! : Goomra... HI, I'm a fat man! Ignore what I claim on channels. [Head-BJ][Bloodletter]. (MaleStone) Azrakare Honos: Woohoo, I won GoV #2 because I told everyone I'm honorable, even though I've been balzhured repeatedly for duping, and I have to try to buy my eq with RL cash! I also find Anne Rice the greatest author ever, shoot me! VaCh.. I look like a crotch and can't say any witty retorts, so, I just say "Blow me?". That's also my main pick up line. Well... whenever I don't just try to grope the females, I suppose. [CoL]. (Arcanes) Tademanohin: Netspeak iz kewl. U r not kewl if u do not use it! <#4X0r l33t>. (Illuminati) [Pkill Conclave] FemaleName: There's a 95% chance that I'm male, yet I bet some of these losers still hit on me. AnotherFemaleName: The picture I submitted to the RoD page is an angel. This means that if I am a female IRL, I am ugly. Thank you. (Ringbearers) AssKisser: I want to imm, so I constantly suck up on public channels and am in everything I can be. P.S. **FLUTTERSNUGGLES** [CoD][AoC][XoR][PoQ][AsS][GaY][FuGlY][YaY][HiMoM]. [Newbie Council] ImmortalName: My title isn't all that funny, but it gets in CoD anyway, because they like to kiss ass. CrappyRunner: I suck at running, but we made up a KEWL run group name, so that when people see us running Dracolithos, they'll think that we're good runners just doing a quick stop here! . Funny things heard on channels on RoD! : Tales from Traffic : Avatar1 openly traffics 'I've got stuff for sale. P.S. Mob poop items are good.' Avatar2 openly traffics 'I know that was a typo, but, in a failed attempt to be funny, I'll now link this conversation to an immortal randomly, because suddenly and irrelevantly bringing up way overdone immortal jokes and stereotypes is COOL and makes me funny!' Wartalk... ImmortalName wars 'This is the least funny thing being said in this entire conversation, but I'm an imm, and I'm saying it, so, that means that some little asskisser finds it worthy of publication!' OtherImmortal wars 'Huzzah!' Only in Darkhaven Mudo quests 'Hi, I'm questing the ONLY funny thing anyone has EVER read in the CoD.' Newbie yells 'Hi, can someone fly me? And av me? And eq me?' OtherNewbie yells 'Hello sexy lady, you are very pretty. You and me have sex long time, yes?' ReallyAMan yells 'okay' AssKissingFemale yells 'Hey, in my sworn practice to attempt to get to immortalhood, I have gone plus all channels, and taken it upon myself to moderate anything that is either witty, crass, or... unsuitable for a five year old, be it by vulgarity or just not simplistic enough. So, please take it to tells, clean it up, or dumb it down CONSIDERABLY.' ReallyAMan yells 'Hey... another female... now we can have a threesome... being a man and all... err... female... I like threesomes.' OtherNewbie yells 'O-kay. This sound very sexy, yes? I likey much. I am, how you say... exciteded.' A Begaria Quickie : Navarius says 'Hey Begaria, ah, your not going to rub me out for not giving you the TB, are ya?' Begaria says 'no, I'll just write an incredibly stupid joke that involves a pointless reference to an imm.' =============================================================== =============================================================== I will be Tinkerbell by Khardra Khuntastic =============================================================== I am amused and bemused when someone tries to insult me by saying that I am a 12 year old. Such a statement is the product of an uninitiated and unimaginative mind. In fact, the defining quality of most deadlies is an unending Peter Pan Syndrome. The lost boys live in Neverneverland and fight pirates(and occasionally become one). Occasionally they have orgies with Wendy. They think happy thoughts and flit around like hummingbirds. Is that not the life? A young child is a loathsome useless parasite with no responsibilities who spends all his time wanting to be grown-up, and when he gets there he spends all his time taking rogaine and viagra and filling out tax forms. In conclusion, listen closely naysayers. I will now offend you with the worst insult in my vast panoply. Grow up. =============================================================== A Phoenix in the Sun ; a play in 2 acts by Khardra Kuntastic =============================================================== Dramatis Personae: Suntram, the cranky husband of the family Khalod, his dutiful bountiful-breasted wife Mangore, their perky 7 year old son Khardro, the wise grandmother, matriarch of the family. Poomra, the aspiring teacher, sister of Suntram. Assorted hoes wearing short shorts. (Act 1. A dingy apartment with many sexy hookers lounging about, eating grapes and bananas. There is a table, with checkered tablecloth. It is pretty. A UPS package has just arrived and sits atop the table.) Suntram: Is that the insurance check? Khalod: Don't you be asking about no money this early, Suntram! Eat your eggs. Suntram: A deadly man say "I got to do something with my life, baby" and his woman say "Eat your eggs.". A deadly man say "I'm tired of taking two steps backwards for every step forward" and his woman say "Eat your eggs." Hoe 1: I'll eat your eggs. (Khalod dives under the pretty table and grabs her Uzi. Although she has joined the Nation of Islam and has been heavily indoctrinated with anti-Semitism, she has no problem using finely crafted Israeli Jew-guns.) Khalod: You betta stop disrespecting me bitch befo' I bust a cap in yo ass! I can't take this no more, I got to have that money and get out of here before you and your hoes drive me crazy! Suntram: Woman, you know I need that money to open my House O' Hizoes! These fine fine hookers need something better to do than sit around here eating us poor out of bananas! (Mangore enters wearing some of the hoes' short shorts and a bra) Mangore: Look at me mama! I'm a ballerina! Can I have some of the insurance money for ballerina school? (Khalod busts a cap in his punk ass. Suntram draws his Glock 9-mm pistol and caps her. Hoe #2 pulls her switch and sticks him. Mangore bites her. She squeals "oueeeee!" Curtain.) (Act II. The room is as we left it. All characters are wheezing,moaning, and oozing blood. Khardro the massive matriarch waddles in. Poomra trails her holding up her ponderous queenly buttocks) Khardro: What in heavens have you chilluns been up to? Poomra: Ma'am, I'se mighty tired from supporting yuh bee-hind. Khardro: Girl, in my day, we would lift each other's buttcheeks all the time! We didn't have this odiferous weight lifting. Here I am, 50 years old and strong as an ox! Poomra: Mama, I ain't strong like you, I needs to go teach down at the el'mentry school. Can't you spare me some of the insurance money? Mangore: Poomra, you can't be a elementary school teacher when you haven't graduated elementary school. (Hoe #3 sneaks up behind Poomra and hooks in a rear naked choke. Poomra, although weak and pathetic, manages to claw her way out and karate slap Hoe #3 into submission) Hoe #3, sprawled on the floor: I only wanted to buy that G-string encrusted with diamonds. (lapses into coma) Khardro: What's all this fussing about the money? That ain't what this package is! (Khardro opens the package and displays its contents.) Khardro: It's my new br-ass-iere, direct from Amazon.com! I used the insurance money as a down payment. It provides ample support for full-figured ladies in both front and back. It was my present to you Poomra, now you can become Hoe #4 and work your way through elementary school. But now that you done killed Hoe #3, I will return it. You don't deserve an elementary school education. You will continue supporting me into my old age. (With Poomra properly debased, demeaned, humiliated, and reduced to whimpering, all is again well with the Phoenix family. Huzzah for happy endings!) FIN =============================================================== more to be added.