10/17/02

damn! looks like another long time since i've had a thought. truth is, i've had a lot to think about. i lost my 14 yr old son, Jamal, to suicide on july 13th, 3 months and 4 days ago. worst fuckin day of my life. he was such a beatiful child, such a beautiful person, always so positive, energetic and happy. i loved wathing him come into his manhood. he was so much to me, an icon, a role model. hell for all i might have taught him, i aspired to be like him. he could drive me crazy and we weren't always in love, but dammit, 99% of the time we were. this was a young man that everybody just knew was going to make it. for all my grief, sadness and rationalization - i have no idea why i lost that child. i just don't get it. i mean, he was happy about finishing 9th grade with a 3.93 gpa. he was looking forward to his 15th b'day on aug 30. he was happy about going back to school on aug 26th. he had just bought clothes and shoes for school. he was looking forward to us moving at the end of july. and it all changed in a matter of minutes.

he and my oldest, Edward, were on their way out the door...headed for the mall. he got a phone call from his gf, he told Ed "never mind". he came upstairs, walked past my room where i was watching a movie on cable. i see him walk by, i think he's forgotten something. i go back to the movie. i hear an explosion, i jump off my bed saying 'what the...' that's all i'd gotten out of my mouth when i heard him hit the floor. it took me 2 seconds to get from my room to where he lay. he was dead. i started screaming and trying to pick him up. i ran to the phone and called 911, edward heard me screaming and flew up the stairs. he saw jamal and put his fist through the wall. police, fire dept, paramedics, everybody was here in no time at all. they were trying to get me away from Jamal. an officer took my hands, led me out of the room, down the stairs and out of the house. they took him to the hospital, i was hoping they could save him. an officer took me to the hospital. i realized on the way that if they could save him, he would be brain dead. i knew that i would not allow life support.

i demanded to see him, they said that i could not touch him because they were not finished. he was covered with blood. his freshly done braids were soaked. the doctor told me that they had tried to save him, but that he had never regained a heartbeat. friends and family were steadily streaming in and i informed them that Jamal was gone. it was truly pandemonium. Ed and i went back, held him and said goodbye. even today the images of a shocked, grief stricken Edward are enough to stop my heart. before i left, i went back and asked to see him again. they said they'd kind of zipped him up, i asked them if they could kind of unzip him. i held him for a last time, it was surreal. my friend drove me home, i was in shock and pretty much silent. she came in for a minute, dazed and confused, then left. i got in Jamal's bed and cried my fuckin lungs out. i know i could be heard wailing all over the neighborhood.

i started the day by going to the obstetrician with my daughter in law, looking forward to the birth of my grandbaby. i ended the day by trying to wrap myself around the undisputable fact that my own baby was dead. life...what the fuck

2/1/2001

well damn it's a whole nother year and here i am bright eyed and bushy tailed. about a month after i wrote that sad ass job piece, i got a new job, in downtown dc. a better position, more money and so far, so good. you have your clashing personalities everywhere ya go...so whatever. there's a new woman in my life, a mortgage with my name on it...sorta and i'm still the healthiest fat chick i know. i had a trip to l a in september that was the bomb, i met an angel and was treated like a queen. when i relocate to cali, i know where my lifemate is parked. anyway, i'm on my good gubament gig, so i'd better do some work. love you people. ciao!

5/7/00

well my first thought for the new year. not really, just the first time i have taken the time to update this page. mother's day is coming and so is dcblackpride. i'm not so excited about mother's day, but i am sorta excited about pride, that's when everyone comes to dc. i just had a wonderful vacation in california with my son, and i'm ready for another one. this is one of those periods when i can't seem to do anything right. the funny thing is i've been on my job for 8 and 1/2 years and according to those folks, i've never done anything right there....kind of makes you wonder. wonder what, you ask? what's the point of loving folks on your job and thinking of them as family when they hate your ass and cut you up behind your back? good question, there's not an answer. later.

10/6/99

damn it's funny to go back and read what i wrote damn near a year ago. anyway, i just came back from the 9th annual sistahfest retreat and O MY GOD it was even better. it gets better every year. i'm still coming down from the high old time i had in Malibu. i can't speak in fluid love tones as i did last year, what was once found is now lost. it's not the end of the world, i still have me...better, wiser and more in sync. now i calmly look out onto the horizon to see what next comes my way. peace and blessings to us all.
10/11/98

o man, is it time for another thought or WHAT? i know it appears that i haven't had a thought since june, but that's simply not true, i've been consumed. consumed with life, consumed with love, consumed with happiness. last wknd i went to the 8th annual sistahfest retreat and it was THA BOMB. o i had such a great time, this time i took pictures and stuff. anyway, i have been busy with school and work and mothering and everyday life. but the best thing that has ever happened to me happened in august. i met the woman of my dreams, yep, the woman i have been dreaming about. actually we met in april, but she came to me in august. i never knew what she would look like or anything like that, i only knew how she would make me feel. so when my heart said 'DING DING DING DING...WE HAVE A WINNER', i knew something special was happening. i could write a book.

i'm so hopelessly in love that the earth could drop from under me and i probably wouldn't notice. you know it's nice to be in love with someone who's in love with you and y'all are in there together. that's the shit. i have to admit i have my days of anquish because she's not here with me. it's the long distance relationship that i said i'd NEVER have. so every now and then i feel like my heart is being ripped out and i'm dying a slow and painful death...but all i have to do is hear her voice and i'm alright again. the funny thing is that i thought i knew love before, this relationship has taught me that i didn't know shit about loving or being loved. i hope that everybody gets to experience this thing just once in their lives. that's my thought for today, be good and keep it real.
6/6/98

O MY GOD!! is it time for a new thought or what? i have been busy since i last updated this page. as mentioned in my last offering, i have been to california...twice now. what can i say but that i love it. i absolutely love it. i had the priviledge of going to the Sistahfest annual retreat in malibu. while at the campsite, one morning i woke up and just started walking up and up and up and there i was standing on a mountain in malibu all by myself, i felt like i was looking down on the whole world. it was awesome, the most spiritual thing i've ever experienced. i said lord, i don't deserve this, i don't belong here. the spirit answered back and said "yes you do, because you are my child, you deserve all this and more." i was so overwhelmed by that all i could do was sit down and cry. it was an experience i will never forget. the next trip i had to cali was in april when i stayed with my friends evee and pam. i had such a great time, this time i experienced Oakland and San Francisco. i swear i'm gonna live there one day, but it's so expensive. somebody sent me a joke the other day it was titled 'you know you live in san francisco when..." and one of the things said 'you make $100k a year and you can't afford a house'. i don't think that's a joke, i think it's true...but i don't care. i just have to live in that area and i'm not waiting til my next goddamned life either.

one of the other things i'm doing is going back to college. it's like having another job, instead of a biweekly paycheck, the payoff (after obtaining 64 credits) will be an associate of applied science degree in computer programming. i don't mind being the oldest thing in the class, i don't mind these big, heavy, expensive books...i don't mind any of this stuff, but i do wonder why i didn't finish 20 yrs ago. o well, i won't look back, life is about forward motion and i'm happy to be in school again.

anyway, until next time this has been another thought from you know who. one more thing: why do those 'real happy about being alive' feelings make you so horny? or is it just me? or is it a sunday mornin thang? i'll do some research and get back to you. ciao
9/9/97

o hey, check it out, i'm off today and it's my 6th anniversary on the job - coincidence....i think not. i probably subconsiously planned it that way. i try to take a week off when the kids are back in school, cuz lordy knows...i need it. 'cept i'm kinda bored cuz everybody's at friggin work. if you bother to call your friends they say 'hey, i don't have time to talk, i'm at work...not lounging around like YOU'. last week my gf was off, this week she's in the uk...talk about lousy planning.

anyway enough yammering about that, the upside is i'm not at work, nor am i obsessing about shit piling up whilst i'm gone...no, i'm really not. what i am obsessing about is the trip i'm taking to cali in october. you see, don't let this get out, but i have never flown before, never ever. this trip is a gift from a very good friend so i can't back out of it. i almost did when edward said 'ma, don't go...i got a funny feelin'. i brushed it off and said 'ah kid, if i crash, i crash...you'll get over it.' then i sat up in bed at 5am and said 'what the fuck did he say?' talk about scary.

it reminds me of the time my cousin was in the hospital, he was on his death bed...or so we thought. the dr. advised us that we should spend our time saying our goodbyes and stuff. we all took turns going into the room and being with him alone. when i went in, i swear to God, just looking at him i couldn't breathe. i quietly had a panic attack, because the family was upset enough. the fact that i coudl not breathe would have pushed everybody over the edge. i was due to have a hysterectomy the next week...something i've wanted ALL MY LIFE. during my panic attack (you know, the one where i couldn't breathe) i said 'no way, am i having this surgery, i'll just never wake up, i know it.' i almost cancelled it.

before i went in to have the thing, i had to have tests at the hospital. my aunt asked me to please stop in and check on tyrone, as she was just exhausted. i didn't want to do this thing she asked me to do, but she's one of my favorite people in the whole world and the hospitals were around the corner from each other. i was still very apprehensive about having my surgery and everybody thought tyrone was going to die and things were just crazy.

having girded my fat little loins, i went to the hospital. i saw doctors outside of tyrone's room, i was like 'o shit'. one of the doctors said 'he's looking good today'. right away i'm wondering, how a comatose, dying man looks good? but i didn't say anything. then a nurse says 'please don't disturb him', i was about to let all these muthas have it when out the corner of my eye...dude sits up in bed says 'is that my cousin debra'. i grabbed my chest like fred sanford used to and almost fainted dead away. i was in total shock. i went in and talked to him, it was all so eerie - i ran to the phone to call his mama and all. i was hollerin into the phone, she thought the poor boy had died.

needless to say, the family came a flyin up to the hospital, it was really a wonderful time. i saw him again before my surgery, he assured me that everything was gonna be alright. and it was. today (6 year slater) i'm successfully hysterectomized. 'cept for the time i had that granulation tissue at the apex of the cuff, but you don't want to hear about that.

ok, go on and tell me 'debra, you're going to be fine. the trip is going to be wonderful, it will change your life.' tell me.
7/20/97

well hell-fuckin-o, how are all my compatriots, comrades, comisserators? i'm having a great day...it's sunday and i'm off all week. the summer has been alot of fun. some things have been bugging me, though. it seems like my bodyclock is trying to tell me that i'm getting older. i'm in total denial (no, not the river) i refuse to believe that crap. when i'm dead, i'll probably be walking around until i'm totally convinced. you know...i'm sitting here typing, but i think there's a spider on my shirt in the corner. if that's the case (and i hope to God, it's not) you will hear me scream from here. i absolutely positively hate despise loath and am terrified by spiders. i'm not even watching what i'm typing for looking at my shirt...over there...in the corner...with the spider on it. i just threw a lotion bottle at the shirt. damn. i don't see the thing now. how do i know if it was a spider and it just escaped or i was just seeing things and o the hell with it.

anyway, this is now called "the ramblings of a fat, foxy woman", cuz that's what i am and that's what i do. i believe that if i saw myself walking down the street, i would take a second look, maybe even a third, cuz i love me some fat, foxy women.

o why o why did i have to start up this issue...but i'm serious, people and they're ignorant ass attitudes piss me the fuck off. i can't understand blatant disrepect for large people. how many times have i been walking down the street, hair laid, shoe laid, outfit...laid...knew i was lookin GOOD and had some asshole or coupla of assholes say some derogatory shit about my size. that shit pisses me off, if i'm not your cup of tea...no problem...no big deal...cuz with that attitude, you ain't mine either, but don't disrespect me. cuz while i'm fat, too big for you, not your hearts desire - i do have a right to basic respect. imagine walkin down the street to hear this conversation 'man, that's you.' 'naw, that's you.' 'naw man, that ain't me - you can have her'...AS IF i'd be bothered with either one of the slimey, rat-faced bastards...pullease. i laughed in their faces and switched my big ass on, thinking 'KISS MY ANATOMY'. my ass would have made each of them a 'sunday' face. anyway, people need to get a grip - but i've got something for the next time i hear some asshole talkin shit about me, i'm gonna grab this big flap under my arm and say 'um, kiss this' and grin like a mad hatter as the asshole retches in horror. yeah, i know...i'm a sick bitch.

i got this litterbox thing going on, so i gotta go - but you folks be easy.
5/22/97

hey, what's up people?!?!? it's thursday and i'm off from work and i'm goofing off big time. i don't know about you folks, but i've really been enjoying myself lately. not doing anything outrageously different, just enjoying life as much as i can. things are going pretty good, no major crises in my life...today. my job is going extremeley well. they say it's me who's changed, i say it's them. i've met somone wonderful i also have a new buddy to laugh and pal around with, we have a lot in common and lots of fun. my boyz are doing fine. jamal is on the honor roll and going away to camp this summer. edward is making good grades and very responsible strides toward establishing himself as a young adult. i hate to think about him leaving home someday, he's been my sidekick for 20 years. now catch me on a day when i come home dead tired and i can hear the rap from around the corner and i know it's my house...then i'm ready for his ass to go and could even muster up the strength to help him pack.

uh huh now i get to see what my cats do at home when i'm not here and they're fucking UP!

here are a couple of things that get me through rough times.

the truth of God

God, you are truth, where shall i find
the truth if not in my own mind?

God, you are life, and in the cells
of my own body, there life dwells.

God, you are peace and peace must be
between my fellow man and me.

God, you are love. Where can love
start except in my own human heart?

God, you are all that is in all
that is and i am very small.

Yet i with what is me and mine
fulfill your grand unique design.

God, only when i have been true
to me can i be true to you.

******************************

keep your chin up
by dixie earl bryant

when the road gets mighty rough
keep your chin up.
even though the goin's tough
keep your chin up
if you see you cannot make it
show the world that you can take it
though they take your heart and break it
keep your chin up
if the sunshine stays away
keep your chin up
it will have to shine someday
keep your chin up
though you feel no joy within
greet each new day with a grin
in the end you're bound to win
keep your chin up