hi. i'm organizing a new thing. you might wanna get in on the ground floor. i have a serious problem and i'm tired of dealing with it. see i think that everyone should have their own personal bathroom at work and at home and everywhere. i absolutely friggin HATE to share a bathroom with anyone anyone anyone. i think it's the most disgusting thing in the world. do you know what people do in there? HUH, do you? SO i'm organizing a group called P.I.S.S. - People in Search of Separate Stalls....(the extra 'S' stands for stinky, you can throw that away). if you are interested in standing up with me (pun intended) for the sake of decency in the bathroom...email me and we'll arrange something fun. thank you

you: but dr. i was in my car and a garbage truck slammed into me...'

the dr: it' happened because you're FAT!! you were probably going to get some fatty fast-food'...

your fat ass: but doc some bad guyz broke into my house and shot me...'...

the dr: because you're FAT!! you were probably in the kitchen getting food'

your fat ass: forget it, i can't win!

the dr: again, fatso, it's because (all together now) YOU'RE FAT!!! now please pay the receptionist on the way out and don't break anything.

what would the world do without oj? God, i'm so sick of hearing his name. he did it and should be hung by the ballz. i guess folks would be sitting around twiddling their thumbs and seeing how far from the front porch they could flick boogers.

i'm a catalog junkie, the minute one comes in, BOOM i sit down and go through it marking off shit to order, ' o man, i can't do without that... ooo, cant live another minute without that. ' now...what would i have done if the shit hadna come? yeah, well... but it did, where's my pen...?

why is it that you only see roaches when company comes over? not the little fast ones that zip across the wall, so quickly that you wonder what that was... O NO i get big fat stupid slow ones that take so long to get where the hell they're going that conversation stops. and people tickle me trying to pretend like they don't see it, but i don't ket them get away with that, i'm like 'o no, you must speak to little ferdinand, or i'll have to be up all night explaining to all of them why i have snooty assed friends.

series: deb's essay corner: why ask y?

words trip me out. they always have, they always will.

mozart is pronounced moatzart but ozark isn't pronounced oatzark

why is would not wood and should not shood and could not cood, but good is good?

why is colonel not spelled kernel? i thought it was pronounced either colon (as in powell) al, or cologne-al, why is there a 'g' in cologne. that's a country, also right? that might explain it. like the 'g' in champagne (from the city, champagne) i thought that was 'sham' 'pag' 'nee'.

why is there a 'b' on the end of comb and dumb and numb. why is comb not spelled coam like roam? or at least pronounced like dome?

how come 'come ' is spelled come and not cum? cum go to rome with me.

o man, i'm gettin a headache...why isn't that spelled hedake?

i just wanted to share some of these thoughts with you people. why is there a gh in thoughts and an 'o' in people?

how can some people look at the word 'ask' and pronounce it 'axe' <---why the 'e' on ax, or is that only in the case of 'axed' or 'axes'? are they dyslexic? why is 'dyslexic' not spelled dislecksick? too many letters? why is there an 'h' in why? i never hear it.

hello folks,

are you always nodding out in traffic, do you pop out at parties, ever dozed off in the middle of muff diving? we here at narcolepse, inc understand your plight. HI! this here is sleepy magoo... has your life taken on a really gray pall, because you can't stay awake? have people stopped inviting you out because you just can't keep up with the program? perhaps you're an industrial worker who's already lost one hand due to falling asleep at the switch...we here at narcolepse inc can help you no friend, we can't give you back that hand, that's gone for life....but we here at narcolepse, inc can guarantee that you live a meaningful fully awake life. that's right folks, never end up face first in the soup at one of grandma's holiday dinners again. if you're still awake and would like more information just get outta that easy chair and give us a holler at 1-800-NOMOREZ operators are standing by...and folks, don't be alarmed if the phone rings 10 or 20 times....hehe we here at narcolepse inc take care of our own. so there may be a sleepyhead or two at the switcboard. and hey, here's an interesting little tidbit, i'm not just the president of narcolepse, inc i'm also the ZzZzZzZzZzZ....

this is a true story, it happened to ME of course

one day i got up to go to work, it was summer, i didn't know what to wear. i didn't want to think too much about it. i saw this fuscia colored dress that i hadn't worn in 2 years. i got it from an ad in the sunday paper magazine '...don't ask. it was a real cheapie....it was so bad that in the thought process i said...let's see 'clarence is driving me to work, and picking me up...not too many people will see me, aw hell, i'll wear it'.

i wore the dress, never felt comfortable in this particular dress....in other words HATED IT. then i remembered in the middle of the day why i hadn't worn the damn thing in 2 yrs...it had a waist band that rode up over my stomach (nuff said, ok). anywho, clarence calls at 4:45 and says 'boo, i'm workin late...you gotta catch the bus'. i said 'aw damn, ok see you at home' now i have forgotten that i have on the ugliest dress in the entire world. then i started panicking...i left the bldg and started walking across the street to the bus stop. i said no , i refuse to get on the bus and walk toward people with this dress on. i decided to walk....ok, i'm walkin right. the dress is ridin up in the front, the wind is blowin so it was up against my butt and legs in the back, real cute picture right...i don't think so people. i wanted to go through the fuckin ground.

i'm walkin down the street tuggin in the front tuggin in the back irritated as hell...hatin clarence to death... why is he puttin me through this. then it hit me, how i must look. i started laffin my ass off, all the time pullin and tuggin, then i'm hysterical can't even walk straight i'm laffin so hard...people are gettin out of my way, cuz by now i look crazy.

i got home laffin my ass off, by now i looked stoned drunk fallin all over myself i couldn't get in the house fast enuff. i got in the house fell on my bed in a fit of laffter. i sat up and i didnt take the dress off, i CUT the motherfucker off, so help me GOD i cut it into hundreds of peices. about 20 minutes later clarence walks in, i'm still hysterical. i tell him the story, and show him 100 pieces of cheap cut up dress, in a pile, on the floor... he was hysterical. i made sure i told him... '*&^%$#$#, the next time you even think about workin late, you call me and find out what the hell i have on.' that did it we both hit the floor in fits of laffter.

i gave pieces of the dress to my friends...

observation 36UT01I

i know it, i feel it and i stand by my belief:

somehow time and the elements screwed up and i was rendered upon this earth in
human form. i was meant to be a big, fluffy, black cat who lies in the sun all
day and chases butterflies into the woods.

to lie on the porch in a thunderstorm and revel in the sound of my master's
creaking rocking chair. to chase little mice through the fields at night and
maybe for sunday's dinner kill a chicken or two.

to play in the stream behind my master's house and snatch a fish every now and
then, dropping him on the ground and slapping him til he stops that flippin
flipping.

but i'm not mad...when i see a big, fluffy, black cat...basking in the sun, i
don't get jealous. but i do wonder if that's the one that my atoms clashed
with in some maelstrom of cataclysmic proportion....and i get the urge to run up
to it and say 'here's your bills and your problems @#$$%&$#%@, now GET OUTTA
MY SUNLIGHT! o yeah and your kids live at sucha sucha sucha thurston way!!'

i know, i know...thanx for sharing.