I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and
give in.
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the
blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan
will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to
others -
they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things,
and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't
working in your house,
one of your kids did it.
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed..............................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.....0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1
You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5
Yu replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
in the snow..............................................+8
but return with beer............................ ........-5
and no liners...........................................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5
You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
It's her cat.................................................-40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party........................+20
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with
College drinking buddy...................................-2
Named Tiffany............................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....................................-10
With breast implants....................................-18
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday......................................0
You buy a card and flowers.....................................0
You take her out to dinner.....................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar..........+1
Okay, it is a sports bar......................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night................................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colors of your favorite team............. .....-10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal.................................................0
The pal is happily married...................................+1
The pal is single............................................-7
He drives a Ferrari.........................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)................-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie......................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes............................+4
You take her to a movie you hate.............................+6
You take her to a movie you like.............................-2
It's called Death Cop III....................................-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.......................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.......-15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly...........................-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts..................................................-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".............-800
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks "Does this dress make me look fat?
You hesitate in responding..................................-10
You reply, "Where?".........................................-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass"......................-100
Any other response..........................................-20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
ou listen, displaying a concerned _expression.................0
You listen, for over 30 minutes..............................+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience......+50
Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what Do
you think I should do"......................................-50
You have fallen asleep.....................................-200