simply carry him to his supper dish (cats will not usually notice your
strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.
If he
does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a
product
testing experiment for J.C. Penney).
-- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In
a
single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub
enclosure,
slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with
shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the
problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for
more
than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you
must
remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy.
He'll
then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself
off
(the national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too
much).
-- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this
part
will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this
point
and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is
simple
compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the
cat
is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain
plug
with you foot, reach for your towel and wait (occasionally, however,
the cat
will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens,
the
best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward
your
leg). After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple
matter to
just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He
will
usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot
of
time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic,
and
develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case.
As a
rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure
you
for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
But at least now he smells a lot better.
