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| HINTS FOR PARENTS: | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| �Surviving Your Student Going-to-College | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| MKHS Home | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Parents Home | College Advisement Home | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Congratulations!� You and your student have made it through the college admissions process!� Now comes the next step, surviving your student going to college.� This transition is different for each family.� How will the dynamics of your family change?� For some it will be easy and natural, others will find it painful and difficult.�� The separation process is a mutual one for the adolescent and the parent with both parties experiencing developmental changes.� Separation that has successfully been achieved brings with it an ability on the part of the young adult to function independently while still maintaining an important emotional tie to his/her parents.� Your student will change, and they will probably pull away from you some as they try to find who they are.� The best you can do is be understanding and supportive.� This letting go can be very difficult.� However, communicating with your student and with others can help ease the process.� Talk openly and honestly, and encourage your student to be similarly candid.� As both may feel isolation, loneliness, emptiness or loss of significance to others, talking will ease the pain, increase understanding of both your and your student's feelings, and help you grow through the transition.� When your student leaves, and begins to adjust to college, they will have many concerns of their own:� Why am I here?� Will I survive on my own?� How will I fit in? Will I make good grades?� As he/she goes through this adjustment, your willingness to adopt a non-judgmental attitude is a most powerful tool for encouraging them to become independent and responsible.� | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Points to Remember: | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| There is a wide range of what is "normal" or "OK".� Allow your student to find how they fit in. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Students often change their minds.� That is okay.� This is a time of transition.� The average student changes their major three times.� Your student may fail at something.� That F in one course does not mean that that are a failure in anything else.� It means that they need to take a hard look at effort, aptitude and interest. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Attempt regular communication, but do not be concerned if your student is not responsive.� Ask open-ended questions.� Instead of asking, "How are things?"� Which will give you an answer of "fine", Ask "What do you find most interesting in your sociology course?" | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Expect some tough times.� Learning to cope with new people, responsibilities, and ideas may cause confusion and discomfort.� These are normal growing pains. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Avoid:���� Too much advice.������ ���� Too much supervision.������� Solving their problems. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Second-guessing their judgments. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| If you see signs that your student is unhappy, and truly unsuccessful and uninvolved in college, get involved immediately.� Support services at the college can be a great resource.� It may be hard to spot, though.� After 6-8 weeks, ask your student the following ten questions, and if they answer positively, they are making a successful adjustment to college life. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Do you know the name of the Dean of Students and where his/her office is? | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Can you name four new friends you have made? | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Are you involved in at least one activity (outside of classes)? | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Have you set a goal for your GPA at the end of the first semester? | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Do you know a faculty, staff or administrative person who has attempted to understand you as a whole person, not just as a student? | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Do you know the location of the campus libraries and computer labs? | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Do you know how your grade will be determined in each of your classes? | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Do you like your college/university and feel that you will be successful? | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sometimes it will not go well, the student will not be happy at the end of the semester.� At this point look at the situation constructively to hopefully enhance the likelihood of a satisfactory second semester.� The student should:� identify steps needed for improvement, commit to take those steps, and put the necessary steps into action.� The parent should stay supportive and interested! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Words of Wisdom� | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Here are a few more tips to help survive this first year.� These were written by a recently graduated college student based on observations of mistakes and breakthroughs made by her parents and the parents of her friends. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Rule #1:� Do not ask them it they are homesick.� The power of association can be very dangerous. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Rule #2.� Write (even if they don't write back).� Email is not the same.� An empty mailbox is depressing.� Send special cards and packages regularly.� It speaks volumes. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Rule #3.� Ask questions (but not too many). �Even if they act otherwise, it shows you care.� Don't ask prying or demanding questions, but be honest and friendly. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Rule #4.� Expect change (but not much).� Be patient.� It may take awhile for some teenage habits you don?t like to change. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Rule #5.. Do not worry (too much) about depressing phone calls or letters.� Sometimes the pressure gets too much and they vent their problems to you.� Remember, they don't call and tell you all the great stuff that is happening to them that same week.� In down times they can unload their troubles to you and feel better, though you don't.� Listen and be supportive.� You are providing a priceless service. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Rule #6.� Visit (but not too often).� Visits accompanied by dinner and shopping sprees are appreciated more than they will let you know.� Pretended disdain is just another part of the first year syndrome.� Surprises are NOT appreciated.� You may disrupt some important plans.� | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Rule #7.� Do not tell them, "There are the best years of your life".� For many students it isn't, especially during the first year.� Supporting this stereotype is working against their already difficult self-development.� Accept their highs and lows are normal. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Rule #8.� Trust them.� Finding yourself is a difficult enough process without feeling that the people whose opinions you respect most are second-guessing.� One parent wrote to a student in their senior year of college:� love you and want for you all the things that make you the happiest; and I guess you, not I, are the one who knows best what those things are.� If you are smart, you will believe it, mean it, and say it now. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Rule #9.� Try to live by the first eight rules. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| (All of the above revised from the University of Florida Swamp Survival Guide) | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Great Books to Help Through the Process | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Two favorites: | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Letting Go: A Parents' Guide to Understanding the College Years� (Coburn; Treeger) | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Almost Grown:� Launching Your Child from High School to College (Pasick) | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Others: | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| When Kids Go to College (Newman and Newman) | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Don't Tell Me What to Do, Just Send Money:� The Essential Parenting Guide for the College Years (Johnson & Schelhaus-Miller) | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| College:� The Undergraduate Experience in America (Boyer) | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Chicken Soup for the College Soul | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Books for the student: | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The Everything College Survival Book (Jason Rich) | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The Yale Daily News Guide to Succeeding in College (Kaplan)� | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Making the Most of College - Students Speak Their Minds (Richard J. Light)� | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Fodor's Guide to (name your big city): Most useful for students headed to that urban college. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Good luck, I hope you enjoy many moments as you survive your teenager going to college.� It has been wonderful working with your student and you.� Call me anytime you need to, and I hope your student will visit Krop High at the end of fall semester. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||