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What is it about jazz music that brings things to a bigger perspective? What is it about music in general that can bring back such painful memories? As I sat here listening to Jill Scott and watching Sex and the City I thought about all my ex boyfriends. Each boyfriend came with their own theme song. It�s amazing how a song could bring back a feeling, memories and even a scent from those warm hugs or intimate grasps. Some brought painful memories. The whole reason I was thinking about my past relationships was to consider my future ones.
After going to the pool with Lyssa, Modie, Aaron and Ian I met knew faces and felt more confident with my body. Some heads turned and a few envied my body in my fine bikini. I was excited to go to the pool with Lyssa to meet Josh, a guy she introduced me to on the phone but not face to face. The moment of truth was when I would meet my potential hook up but apparently he had the �wrong directions� to the pool and couldn�t come. At the end of our trip we called him and he explained his story. Lyssa told him how devastated I was since I was looking forward to the encounter and so he said sorry and told me he would take me to the movies.
Could this be the window of opportunity for me?
I sure did hope so. I�ve been out of the dating game so long I forgot how great it felt to be in love and besides, Josh has a moped! But before I could do anything I had to talk it over with my gay husband or, the artist formerly known as my ex- boyfriend, Jason. We had an interesting chat about Josh, or �Joshua� as Lyssa calls him. I told Jason I wouldn�t rush into kisses with Josh if we did hook up just to keep my self respect so later I wouldn�t be pushed uneasy into sex. But if I was to keep my pants on so was Jason.
Jason had met some fellow homosexual teen on the �net, or the �on the subscription list of a friend� on the site known as Xanga, who went by the name of �CuteGayBoi�. Jason and his narcissistic friend easily clicked by talking about designer fashions and how cute they were, and also had plans to meet in Florida in August.
So as we talked about our lovers Jason told me basically to play hard-to-get and keep in mind �the basics� which to I didn�t seem to have in our relationship. We both fought over who had the basics and It went something like this,
�I have the basics thank you, unlike you!� �I DO I DO!�, I said with eagerness, �I just wanna ride his MOPED not him!�
Later that day my sister�s boyfriend came over and cooked steaks out in the rainy night with her. I peeked out the window and saw what I wanted with Josh, a boyfriend I could take home to mom and dad some day. But for now I was fine anticipating meeting him face to face, which brought to mind another question,
Could I be setting myself up for disappointment?
I smiled and blew off the thought. It�s summer anyways, a time for sweet vibes and no worries.
The first week out of school and I�m feeling so amazing. Finally the break had come and I had my freedom! I had freedom to write, think, start new self exploration projects and sadly time to read books for school and finish a pre-algebra math packet. But none of that could make me depressed. I had found myself a nice little website that had reviews on pre-algebra and the books I had to read so for now, I had some what salvation, which reminded me that no school meant no drama and no immature crushes that made for semi-serious, yet laughable, relationships.
Anyways, at last Mish�s long awaited end-of-the-year-party had come. Mish lives in a huge mansion and had a Halloween party that lasted until 2am, leaving everyone who came awaiting her next move, or party should I say. Her Valentines party had gotten cancelled due to her 15 year old cousin getting shot in Alexandria, being mistaken for someone in the infamous gang named, �MS-13.� At her parties music would be blaring from the huge stereo system that usually she let me operate, and crazy techno lights would be flashing in your eyes. The best part of the parties was that you didn�t have to worry about conflict. No �preps� were invited and that was alright, because no one would go home crying.
At this party not much shacking up had been done like most of us horny teens had hoped for but a little alert for sexual activeness had been set off. When the water balloon fight was happening outside with everyone soaking wet and bodies meshing together, slipping and sliding, girls drenched with wet t-shirts, guys keeping their eyes open I had almost been tossed in the mud pit by two of my friends. Just when everything�s going fine my non single friend Charbel, who was dating a quiet girl named Nora, playfully grabbed me from behind and just wouldn�t let go. Mish said it looked like we were grinding and Moe, who was taking my pictures for me, got the right picture of what was happening.
Was he cheating or was I just being paranoid?
I tossed the thought away and started looking at my pictures again. I found quite a few of myself and one of my closest male friends, Diego. Diego was the best thing in my life since E-von. E-von was my former male best friend but the truth tore us apart in a very painful way. I�d have to say that it hurt more than being torn in two by a black hole. I began thinking about the possibility of hooking up with Diego. He was funny, okay looking and easy to talk to. Then again he wasn�t someone to get emotional with. He also didn�t mesh well with my homosexual ex-boyfriend Jason. So quickly this possibility was shot down. It sometimes made me upset that Diego didn�t share thoughts with me. We both knew about all the same things and musicians but he always talked to Moe. I didn�t like it very much but I knew he did it for a reason. He didn�t tell me about the girls he liked to not hurt my feelings. He had told me before that I would get mad every time he talked about a girl.
Meanwhile back in my hook up life, I was thinking about hooking up with a guy named Josh that my friend Lyssa had introduced me to on the phone. Lyssa was considered a loud mouth and scandalous around school but deep down I knew she was an okay girl. Lyssa was trying to hook up Diego with some girl named Flor but that wasn�t successful after I brought the reality that she had a boyfriend to the table. Lyssa had called me a week before Mish�s party to call an 8th grader girl that Josh liked. Lyssa tried to hook me up with Josh but I just ignored the thought of it. Things like that didn�t work out usually and I was fine being single.
I seemed to be fine with being single for quite some time. I just wanted to be single forever without the risk of being hurt in some relationship. I wanted a boyfriend to talk to and love but didn�t want the drama included. It was time for me to take a deep breath, and take the risk. I officially was ready to be reimbursed into the teen dating world.
Finally the last day of school has come, with an early dismissal! After hours of taking pictures of my beloved friends my sister takes me home and I call up my ex boyfriend, Jason. Jason being the ex boyfriend who told me about CY�s marijuana runs.
For the 2 hours that we�re on the phone he starts talking about how people who�ve graduated from C.C. have already done something risqu� or very unlike themselves, him being one of them. He reveals a very sexual secret to me about himself and CY so I decide to use the telephone industry�s greatest gift to the gossip world, three way calling. I call CY�s cell phone and the embarrassing conversation begins. They both admit to the secret and start talking about their weight.
I pretty much get excluded from the conversation but listened closely.
�So how much do you weigh now?�
�160,I lost 20 pounds. How much do you weigh?�
�180. What do you do?�
�I walk and play tennis. What are you doing?�
�I stopped taking laxatives but I�m going to start going to the gym.�
Neither of them looked fat to me. Sure, they weren�t a shoe-in for being the next shirtless Abercrombie and Fitch male models but they weren�t obese.
As I listened to them talk I realized how important image has become to them. Both in their different cliques like Preppy and Ghetto. And both very open about their shameless mistakes. CY talked about his misfortunate accident with laxatives. Apparently he had taken one and during school �sharted� as a result of laughing at a joke.
Now my old friendships were dandy during the beginning of the summer, just talking online and on the phone. But I found myself talking to and becoming close friends with someone who most people had shunned. Most girls, like her former best friend Emmeline, were upset with Lisa. Lisa was a very athletic tomboy who started hanging out with the prep girls. It made girls upset to see her make this quick change in a day from tomboy to girly girl.
Lisa was very nice to me when we talked and I started thinking that I shouldn�t shun her at all. After all, she was only human.
No girl can play the role of a maverick for ever, or can they? We�re growing up into the people we�re going to be for the rest of our lives and we still get mad about who�s �keeping it real� in the clique world. I thought I should start growing up into the person I�ve always wanted to be, someone loving, like some mother like figure. Why? Maybe to suit someone like the prize, maybe just to fall in love and settle down. This reminded me of a line from a Prince song that I held onto so dearly.
�I never imagined that love would rain on me and make me wanna settle down...�
It also reminded me of a dream I had the night before, for a certain reason. My friend Charbel went to a pool that my swim team had once faced called Shra, with his two friends. He saw both The Prize and the 8th grade science teacher. He told me the Prize was playing with his son. Now, I didn�t dream about seeing him without his shirt or anything like that. That didn�t even come close to mind. I dreamt that I was sitting in his lap and hugging him. I dreamt about something that could never happen. I dreamt about a foolish thought that made me wonder when my next boyfriend would come along to make me stop thinking of him.
Ahhh the end of the year is approaching faster than I think and it�s surprisingly, scaring me. Next year will be our last at our �Catholic� school, and it feels like it only bothers me and not everyone else. I�ve become more attached to every single person than a girl to her first boyfriend.
This past week things and people have crossed my mind at a fast pace. Like The Prize. He mentioned people being in his classroom next year and it worried me for a moment. What if I didn�t end up in his class? My year would be so screwed and I would miss him completely. I felt so emotional thinking about it.
Meanwhile, while the cats away, the mice will play. In art my EX- best friend, E-von, whom I lost to his total opposite girlfriend, was beating the smirk off his casual acquaintance, Griffin. Griffin and E-von never got along but enough to not beat each other up. I suppose the teacher just, walked right out of the room and they started fighting after Griffin constantly kept throwing things at E-von. I heard this whole story in the locker hall ways, where all gossip takes place and occasionally fights! This one time this girl punched this guy in the stomach and I got thrown against an open locker, ouch! I hit so hard against that locker some of my skin got ripped off. Anyways, hearing what E-von did completely upset me. What an idiot, I�m glad we�re not friends. To make a long story short he got suspended for the last two days of school and got sent home before lunch.
All these events happening at once made me think about our grade as immature individuals. We can�t handle anything. We blow it to pieces. If this year was such an emotional rollercoaster, what would next year be? I can answer that in one word: worse.
And as this all was happening at C.C. (my school), back at the sister school, O.C. (the high school where most alumni go) had problems of its own. CY, a friend of my ex- boyfriend�s whom I had gotten to know very well, was getting his ass kicked by his mother. CY was always lost, never knew who he was. He hated the term metro sexual because he was considered one and then he suddenly started making the transition to a punk. My ex said he never had friends at O.C. and hung out with free loader druggies. CY started doing marijuana in the bathroom of his house and got suspended a few days ago. It shocked me because this is someone I went to school with, but I guess there are certain stipulations to being a lost teen in high school.
The pressure was on everyone to succeed next year. I could only commiserate for me and my friends. Some of the people in my math class were finally being pushed up to algebra next year. With one drawback, they were all on probation. If they didn�t do well the first quarter they�d get sent back. Back at home my mom was pressuring me to get into Junior Honor Society so I could get myself into a good high school with a paid way. I wanted more than ever to go to PVI, the greatest of them all in my eyes, but without those grades, I didn�t have a chance. I could cry and try to focus thinking about everything I needed but what�s always felt more important was who I wanted.
Don�t you just love summer? The warm, finally free, sticky, humid, quite disgusting weather? In Virginia summer is hell. Not only does the weather suck but so does school.
The once annoying, ever so rude 8th graders finally leave us, and yet keep coming back! On Friday they had their award ceremony and �last day.� On Monday they come to school only to go to Kings Dominion. And on Tuesday they have a dance and ceremony in the Church.
As the end of the week draws closer I grow more anxious than fans waiting in line for the new Star Wars movie. I think about how next year will be my last, getting confirmed and��the prize.� This leaves me to this small conundrum. What will happen? What possibly could happen? Will I still be infatuated? What about our relationship? It�s been building up so strong these last few days that I might be just some completely new person to him next year! I�ve been thinking that I might meet someone over the summer or maybe not. I like to think that fate will sway me in any direction for a purpose.
This week we went on a trip to the park. Mode of transportation: WALKING. Did I mention how hot and sticky it gets during the summer? My friend, �E�, is making a documentary and I�m helping to host, asking students what their favorite part of the year was. We�re walking in the hot sun, for at least over 20 minutes. And at the park it doesn�t get much better. But the as the day ends and we continue onto Wednesday things are brightening up.
During 7th period the Prize and I take 3 pictures together, and the next day I give him one of them. During this small converse of some sort, he signs my yearbook, with the following message.
�Thanks for the class participation, have a great summer� What!? Thanks for class participation? As if he hadn�t gotten to know me! I expected some 3 sentence message with something like �oh I enjoyed having you in my geo. Class, we had fun.� I guess you can�t win �em all.
Later that day I go out for Chinese. The meal, although quite delicious, was nothing compared to the surprise I received after. I open my fortune cookie and the message reads, "There is a true and sincere friendship between you both." Maybe I�m just hung up on this man. When you�re swept up by love, nothing in your life seems to matter, just that person. I had to keep my eyes on the prize. Nothing could stop me�except him.
Tuesday night and I'm studying for finals.
Let me introduce myself, Roddie Kay, a 13 year old mature and love struck girl.
First relationship in 4th grade and I've been on a never ending search since.
In sixth grade I dated an 8th grader, who 3 months later revealed he had a greater interest in men.
And in seventh I continued the 8th grade dating.
I've lately found myself falling for an older gentleman. What was it about older guys that I liked? Could it have been the understanding, the actual dates and phone calls or simply the fact that they've underwent puberty? My last escapade with an 8th grader certainly didn't go how I planned. I ended up being a cheap Side trick, but in a sense I did enjoy the calls.
My eye was currently on an intelligent man. An admirable, charming, sexy, religious...married...man. I've been stuck on him since January and every night I ask the same question. What is it about some married men that's so attractive? Could it be that they've made the big step of commitment? Well my "prize" was 34, lightly tanned, blue eyes, brown hair, lean, and currently with wife and child.
He was a teacher in the Dominican Republic and I suppose that's how he met his wife 15 years ago or so. His son is extremely adorable! Just looking at them makes me want to settle down as quickly as possible.
Today I happen to run into him with paint allover my hands, and I cheerfully say "Hey, Mr.K!" with a huge a sweet smile on my face. Deep down me was smiling more than anything as he smiled enthusiastically back and said "Hey, Roddie!" I ask him for a high five and he facetiously can't help but wonder why but quickly realizes I have pink paint allover my hands.
Suddenly, my close, commonly around friend, Kirsten Lee, comes and says "Yeah, I have paint allover my hands too" trying to grab his attention away from me. Not only his attention but his smile.
This didn't really bother me until later where I realized whenever she was with me around him we looked like some 'Quirky high pitched duo' of little screaming school girls. In reality Kirsten and I weren't really best friends or anything but we did end up as a pair in whenever he was around. I suspect she likes him just as much as I do, but doesn't have any credibility with him.
So could it be that girls and women will do whatever it takes to get their man? Is dating really survival of the fittest? I'd think so. But how can you win when "The Prize" has been won? Two words. You cheat. Keeping your eyes on the prize could make you desperate, and in some cases, a little lusty.