“Pokemon” sucks.
Incase you don’t know what I'm talking about (in which case I say "Lucky you"),
pokemon is that lameass game boy game, made by Nintendo, for Nintendo.
The game is absolutely pointless. It is rated “E” for “everyone” by the
“ESRB” which is some almighty authority on all things that are savory and
unsavory.
First off, anything that is rated “E” is going to suck.
Period. I haven’t played one game that has been rated “E” that didn’t bite the
big one. Coincidentally, the only rated “E” games I have played are “Pokemon”
games. Oh, the irony!
Basically, “Pokemon” is just a cartridge full of
suck. Immediately when you pop it into your game boy, your senses are assaulted
by shitty monotone music, and flashing visuals that are sure to invoke seizures
in any little Ritalin filled asshole under the age of 8.
When you first
start out, (we’re talking about “Pokemon Yellow” here, bare with me) you are
introduced to the main players in the game. “Dr. Oak“, which is some old
balding, hippy, asshole professor that spends his life in a laboratory studying
little pieces of shit “Pokemon”. “Ash”, which is you, the unlucky bastard who
just paid 30 bucks for this suckfest, and some other asshole, whose name I can’t
remember.
You are given one “Pokemon”, which is “Pikachu”, a little rat
shaped thing that does nothing except follow you around. Worthless little piece
of shit. If you can, sell him at a nearby town.
Basically, you run
around, killing shit with your “Pokemon” for the next 400 hours of your life
that you devote to this game. When I say “killing shit”, I use that phrase
lightly. You don’t actually “kill” stuff, you make them “faint”. There is no
gore, no blood nor guts, no severed heads. Its shit.
In fact, don’t buy
“Pokemon”, and don’t buy “Game Boy”. They both suck. No game can be enjoyed on a
two inch by two and a half inch screen. If you want to invest in something made
by Nintendo, invest in the “NES”, the most kick ass console ever made. EVER.
Also, get “N64” because that kicked ass too.