Something I've noticed lately is the lack of ass kickers in society. I very rarely walk down the street and find people that I would consider "bad ass". It's sad because back in the 30's and 40's people were kicking ass left and right. Look at that giant pile of ass we stomped in World War 2. Impressive, I know.
Getting back on track, we need more people that know how to kick ass in society. We need people that can walk down the street and strike fear into the hearts of other shit eating cowards. We need more bad asses. Plain and simple. So I've decided to do you assholes a favor and write a guide to being a bad ass, so without further ado:
Rick's Guide To Being A Bad Ass
1. Never back down from a fight.
This one is self explanitory. Someone wants to challenge you to a duel, step up to the plate and kick some asses. Even if you do get your ass kicked (which you shouldnt, see below), at least you didnt run away like an ass-hat.
2. Never lose a fight.
Yeah, I know. For some of you people, this might be next to impossible. But if you do lose, you're a shithead, plain and simple.
3. If you have mental problems, make it known.
This means, if you have an anger problem, wear it on your sleeve. Dont try and mask it with some shitty pills. Kick some ass. People are going to recognize you're a badass if you have the attitude of one. Infact, heres a plan. Do you take meds for an anger problem? If so, heres what you do: Get off the pills for one day. Go to work and let everyone know what a hard ass you are, but dont do anything too crazy, maybe just staple your bosses tounge to the desk or something. Next day, get back on the pills and come into work like normal, this way, everyone is afraid of your shit, but you know you're normal as can be.
4. Eat mayonnaise.
I can't stress this enough. Mayonnaise is for badasses, plain and simple. Eating a hotdog? Squirt some mayo on there. Pancakes? Mayo. Cookies? Mayo...mayo mayo mayo.
5. When something pisses you off, make sure everyone knows about it.
If you're sitting at work and the guy in the cubicle next to you has shitty music playing, walk over and turn it off. Promptly throw the radio into the garbage and stand on the desk and recite this verbatim: "Alright assholes, the next one of you sons of bitches that puts on this shitty music gets my foot up their ass!"
6. Improvise.
Being a bad ass is 90% mental. Just take no shit.
7. Look the part.
If you're going to be a bad ass, you have to look bad ass. Don't shave, unless you're a woman, then please get rid of that mustache. Don't cut your hair and don't shower. Ever hear of a bad ass that uses conditioner? Me neither...
And eat mayo.
I could write more, but on top of being a bad ass, I'm also a lazy ass. E-mail me and tell me what you think.