SMALL WORLD
a short story by
Peter Jones
Helen looked out of the bedroom window into infinity. That morning she had woken in a state of panic.
A look at the clock told her it was 9am. She had overslept and her mother's medication was due at 7.30.
Suddenly reality gripped her. Her mother was dead. After 17 years of looking after her, Helen couldn't believe that it was all over.
Towards the end though, it had been hell. She had lost all control, and was completely incontinent. Of course the district nurses had been to keep an eye on her, but Helen knew that didn't diminish her sense of total responsibility towards her mother.
Anyway she could put up with the incontinence if it weren't for the fact that for the last three years dementia had been setting in: the past 6 months her mother hadn't recognised her daughter, and had at times been very aggressive towards her, far more so than she was with the nurses whom she hardly knew.
As she stared out beyond space, Helen couldn't help a feeling that a great weight had been lifted from her shoulders accompanied by an immense feeling of guilt that she could feel that way. Indeed, guilt had been a constant companion over these last few weeks, as she found herself wishing her mother would be quick and die.
Helen was the youngest of six children and had been born when Ruby (her mother) was forty-six. Her youngest brother, Robert was seventeen years her senior, and he had been the last to leave home when Helen was 18 months old. Her father died in a car crash two months later, so it had effectively been just Ruby and Helen for as long as she could remember.
Added to that, all but Helen's youngest sister, Heather had moved abroad, and even Heather lived 200 miles away in Scotland. All this meant that although Heather had spent some of her holidays helping Helen to take care of Ruby, the vast amount of the time the onus was on her youngest daughter.
It had started so well. When she was six, Helen took dancing lessons, and had showed so much natural flair by the age of ten, that her teacher was predicting a big future for her. Indeed, she had just been accepted on a scholarship for the Royal School of Ballet at the age of sixteen, when Ruby had her first stroke.
All ideas of becoming a dancer were well and truly scuppered, when the doctors told Ruby that she wouldn't work again. Indeed, although Ruby did get most of her mobility back, the stroke had caused slight brain damage, which at first made her confused, but ultimately brought on the onset of dementia.
All the family managed to make it to the funeral, and at least this meant Helen wouldn't be alone with her grief.
"You've done all that you could do for her. Thank God you were here", said Michael, Helen's oldest brother. The tall, dark tanned 62 year old had moved to Australia some years before Helen was born, but he had been over a couple of times, and had kept in touch with Ruby and after she became ill, he had first written regularly to Helen and phoned each month: during the last six months he had been in constant touch with Helen by 'e mail'.
Because she had not been able to work for the last three years - she had got by with her mother's Attendance Allowance, and paltry pension - Helen had not been able to save much money, and was now in the worrying position of possibly having her only residence for the last 33 years sold out from under her, because she knew that the proceeds of her mother's estate would have to be split six ways.
Helen went into her room. She looked herself up and down in the full-length mirror.It was as if for the first time that she looked at her slender, curved body. The hair was dowdy through years of indifference but there weren't any crows feet, and not many wrinkles.
"Not bad for a thirty-three year old", she told herself.
Just as she was walking out of the bedroom, she jumped as she came face to face with someone she hadn't seen since she was fifteen.
His name was Graham, and she had had such a crush on him at school as a fourteen year old, she had asked her best friend to see if he would go out with her. Much to her absolute joy, he had a similar crush on her, and they had been an item until his family had moved to Cardiff, some 220 miles away. They had written for a time, but as happens with long-distance relationships, the whole thing fizzled out.
Now here he was, a six-foot, strongly built, handsome 34 year old.
"Hi, I was sorry to hear about your mum. I just felt I had to come and offer my condolences; she was a great lady."
"Are you still living in Cardiff?" enquired Helen.
"No. As a matter of fact I live just two miles away in Middleton. You see, I met my wife down there at medical school, and when we qualified we both got jobs at Manchester Royal Infirmary, and settled down in the area."
"Oh, you did become a doctor then. I'm impressed"
" Well, I just managed to scrape in", said Graham modestly.
When Helen went back into the living-room, family and friends were all gathered together and Michael handed her a glass of wine.
"As the oldest member of this family, it falls on me to make a little speech at this point. All of the family agree that we owe you a debt of gratitude for looking after Mum like you have, and we have thought of something to give you along with our thanks, and it's in this envelope; but don't open it yet. Leave it until the reading of the will on Friday: you'll find out why, then."
"Thank you: whatever it is it's lovely of you all, and your appreciation means a lot to me. I've been having a lot of unworthy thoughts recently, with Mum not knowing me at the end, but I realise now that I did do all I could."
"We're all putting up at the Imperial Hotel till Friday", said Susan, Helen's middle sister who now lived in Canada. So, we'll leave you to have a bit of time to yourself, and we'll pick you up on Friday."
"That's great and thank you all for coming", said Helen.
The door shut, leaving just Graham and Helen in her mother's house.
"Would you like another drink or do you have to get back to your wife?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, with everything that's been going on, I forgot to tell you. Rosemary ran off with the Senior Consultant two years ago. They're down London now, with a little girl. Funny, isn't it, she never wanted children when she was with me."
"Oh! I'm so sorry - I didn't realise"....
"No, don't worry, I've just about got over it now. The divorce becomes final next week". Graham looked into Helen's eyes. "Look, I'll be honest, paying my respects to your mother was only half of my reason for coming. I also wanted to see you again before I went overseas."
"Are you off on holiday?" enquired Helen.
"No. It's a bit more permanent than that. I've got a job out there. A hospital in Sydney. I fly out next week."
"Why did you want to see me? After all this time."
"Helen, don't you know. I know we were only kids when we were together, but it really was love. To me at any rate."
"And to me. Of course it was; but you've been married since. Surely you loved her?"
"I told myself that I did. It was good at first; but through all these years I never went to sleep at night, never heard one of our old songs, without thinking about you."
Helen felt herself blush. "Well it's purely academic now. You're off to Australia." .
"I know." He looked at his watch. "Oh is that the time, I'd better be going. Do you think I could see you on Friday evening? Just for old times sake eh?"
"All right then. Just for old times sake."
Friday came, and with it the reading of the will. As Helen had expected, everything was divided six ways, so her anxiety about losing her home would be realised.
As the family left the solicitor's office, Helen was surprised to see Graham sitting in the waiting area.
Michael walked over and shook his hand. He said to Helen:
"You can open the envelope now." She looked at the contents: an airline ticket to Australia.
"You can come for a holiday or to stay," said Michael "we've all chipped in."
She looked at Graham: "You knew about this?"
"Yes", said Graham, you see Michael's the Chief Administrator at the hospital I'm going to, and this way we can get to know each other all over again."
"Of course, if you don't want the ticket, you're welcome to stay in this house as long as you want", said Michael. We're all doing well enough not to need to sell the house."
Helen looked at Graham and they both smiled. "No, I think I'll take the trip", she said.
Copyright Peter Jones 1998