"Paranoia Will Destroy Ya - The Hypochondriac Manifesto for Singers" -by Trevor Hurst

In today's "Prozac-popping", "self-help book shopping", "therapy-happy" world, I'm sure one more special interest group could 12-step their way to a better life. I'm positive that somewhere, a small but needy group of vocalists would like to come together once a week to discuss their deepest, darkest, sore throat fears over some herbal tea and stale doughnuts. Sharing and caring their way through the night, helping each other understand their condition and working to make it better. So before you worry yourself into a case of laryngitis, here are a few helpful hints to ponder while you search for a United Church basement near you. Better health through cleaner living. Yes, the only true way to maintain a healthy and active vocal performance is to live right. NO more long nights entertaining the bar staff at your neighbourhood put with stories of your days in a cover band in Saskatchewan. NO more smoking pot with the keyboard guy at the music store. No more sex, kissing or any other germ collecting activity (unless absolutely necessary) which could compromise your health. No more coffee or cola or any beverage that contains caffeine. Caffeine is apparenly bad for the vocal cords. We can neither confirm nor deny this but better safe than sorry. Whispering is also an activity which must be curtailed as it can be very hard on your voice and your fellow band-mates' patience because let's face it, it's just plain rude. Avoid contact with other musicians, agents, managers and record company people. Besides being hosts for a number of nasty germs these individuals will want to talk business and that may bring about undo stress. Stress must be avoided at all costs. The body is a Buick so fill it with good gas. I don't mean stock up on the Mexican food, I mean eat right and take your vitamins. The best way to ward off a virus is to have a healthy immune system. Vitamin C is a must, it fights off colds, speeds healing, and turns your urine bright yellow giving the consumer a sense of accomplishment and well being. Most people are unaware of the mighty vitamin C but all vocalists should make use of its powers. Echinacea is a wonderful supplement, like vitamin C it boosts the immune system. Simply taking it gives you a converstaional topic when confronted by granola loving hippie freaks. Herbal teas are great and they come in a variety of flavours, some even have medicinal purposes. Warm tea before and after a show seems to help relax the throat. Studies neither confirm nor deny that tea drinkers are perceived as sensitive, intelligent, caring individuals but I believe a little personal public relations never hurts. Water and juices are also important to help keep the throat lubricated. Proper preparation prevents piss poor performance! On gig day, stay away from dairy products, they cause phlegm. I'm not entirely clear on how phlegm negatively impacts upon a vocal performance but who wants to be singing with phlegm in your throat. Avoid going to the music store. You may run into the keyboard guy. Marijuana will dry out your throat, make you more paranoid than you already are, and cause you to eat chocolate which is another phlegm causing agent. If you feel a bit tired and can afford the time, take a nap. It'll give the voice a rest and you'll feel rejuvenated. Sound check is very important, getting to know the sound of the room and the stage will help you with your performance. It also gives you an opportunity to make sure the angelic sound of your voice is lifted high above the instrumentalists in your band. Everyone should warm up his/her voice before the show. Just pace around imitating a large, balding, opera singer in a penguin suit. Unless you are a large balding opera singer in a penguin suit, in that case, just be yourself. During your warm up is a good time to run a full body diagnostic. All pre-show full body diagnostics must be conducted while you are pacing. It is the only true way to get accurate results. Start at the bottom and work up. For example legs should be checked for muscle fatigue, feet for blisters, shoes for fit, and pants for a possible blown crotch, (get your mind out of the gutter) or downed fly, etc. The most important part of the diagnostic is the throat. Make sure if you feel the slightest tickle to get some liquid down your gullet. As stated earlier hot herbal tea works wonders. To help eliminate any pre-show stress or jitters, go through the set in your mind, envision the set and it's out come. Try and picture the audience enjoying the show, it makes the imaginary show that much more enjoyable while boosting your confidence. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Remember that a few simple steps could free you from the chains of psychological torture and propel you into a state of vocal performance bliss! Face your fears head on and become the entertainer you always wanted to be.