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2002
<--2001 2003-->
| Age: 18 |
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| My mother and stepfather expected that by turning 18 that i was a compentant adult. What they couldn't understand what that I really wasn't. Legally, I was on my own, but emotionally, they had strained and confused me. Confusion is a great way to describe 2002. I graduated high school and was forced to attend a community college. My friends had dispersed and we were on bad terms. Although I had met someone who was very special to me, our relationship was still undefined. |
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Comforted In the distance Our light gives us strength While darkness and hardships surround Yet, having the ability to understand its meaning seems to bring stars closer Even though they're light years away Somehow, we're getting this message Sent from months and years down the road Our fears become quietly comforted Our hopes and dreams burn weak, kindling deeply Hidden within us We become unsettled spirits waiting in patience Constantly reminding ourseves that maybe things will turnout the way We wanted it Maybe we'll find our peace and stability down the path If we can hold out for just a bit longer... If we can survive what makes us weak Uphold our character, face our adversities without regret We might find temporary comfort in the simpliest expressions It'll make the trip easier; finding satisfaction along the way Hopefully, one day we'll suddenly find ourselves Exactly where we wanted to be There will be an overwhelming feeling of relief A burden lifted from our shoulders and our chest We'll fly freely; high into the sky; nothing stopping us We'll only have the sunlight to bathe us, to guide us The past will only be a story A 'once upon a time' to remember Finding more appreciation and gratitude for the present Finding more love and pleasure to savor And finally, finding what we wanted the most Stability |
Still Waiting No one could possibly understand That as I stood in the middle of chaos I felt empty The knife's edge sharp and brilliant Glistening in the reflection of my tears Shaking in the hand of the beholder Two people stood within me Me and you Arguing I was trying to prove my reason Providing for you every understandable explanation Why it is necessary for the blood to spill But you said nothing Darkness overwhelmed me - Our isolation from reality came into a surreal vision You were, in fact, standing next to my empty soul With out any emotion, empathy, sympathy, regret Hidden in the shadows lurked my fear, anxiety, confusion The knife fell, but had no blood My heart fell, our of exhaustion I was on my knees, crying in my hands THIS EMPTINESS! No one could see it! No one could acknowlege that it was here But no one could possibly understand That when you came over to me And laid you holy hands on my shoulders, And kneeled by my side The image of helplessness burned, like acid and bubbling skin I wanted so badly to embrace you and believe that everything would be okay There was no strength left in me to fight the world I could only tremble, silence in the air I could only tremble, the path before me black with misery I could only wish that your hand would guide me again The knife left aimlessly to the side Still waiting. |
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Untitled Uncertainty- I'd like to cry right now Trembling the way that I do It doesn't seem to fit together Only a moment ago I was so sure that i would be Happy Nothing couldhinder my chances to achieve what I thought was once Impossible But now, I look in the mirror I'm so pale and ghostly Sweat dripping from my clammy skin No longer am I the picture of tranquility Instead, sickness and disgust burn In the reflection of me Sparks flying into the air and crackling A brilliant glow consuming my dreams Darkness trapping me within its grasps I canonly stand idly by And watch you destroy my life Chills, so sick from the tension you created Because you choose to light the match and fill your glass Repetitively Without my voice to take it all away Now everything I do is filled with uncertainty Can I survive? |
You Were Always There As the hills becomes mountains The impending walls will grow Until we are beyond the reaches of our hands Here, in the eyes of the gazing stars above Only then will we reveal our truest pain Please, let that be our only breaking point Let the powers of the sun enlighten us again Guiding us to the paths that now lay forth We cannot merely stop and always wait for mountains to crumble Our strongest days have yet to come and We both have distances still to travel So, I ask of Fate to bring me good will For I know my strength can lead me on Enduring unknown obstacles of uncertainty and doubt All I can do is wait with growing patience Until my tears and devotion are rewarded When I see the mountains melt away as I walk down my path And that you had always been there on the other side Waiting for me. |
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Breathless I feel good Smiling as the gentle breeze passes by A quick memory has flashed into my mind AndI couldn't help but giggle to myself Not caring whether somone had heard or stares Or asks me why I'm suddenly so happy. The don't know that I remembered The breeze quickly passing by The momentary spur of glee passes Rays of sunlight here and gone I'll return back to my other thoughts Leaving others clueless Leaving others breathless Leaving others without a moment of glee, in the gentle breeze It's mine and no one elses |
untitled And the dust falls upon the gray upside-down sea Masked with incomprehensible uncertainty Yearning for a symbol of light to rise Beyond the darken graves, that have already fallen But lost in their desperations Placing their pitch black eyes on distorted images Where is the answer? Where do the ghosts, who now only float aimlessly, find their way? Lifeless creatures chained to unbearable burdens Gawking at the white streaks breaking through their hearts For it is within this empty abyss that they have waken up in Waking up again and again for every second and every moment that's left to them Tortured by the sharpen pains of absurdity Wondering and dthe suspensions of their souls scream Piercing shrieks of their grief-stricken minds They only wait, waiting, wait Wiat for the waiting of small waitings to stop the final meaning, the conclusion to prepare for Only to realize that when the thick smog is burned away The lost are on their knees, drowning Never to sense existence again There can be no light, only uncertain desperations |
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untitled I'm not so sure I'm breathing Suddenly I find myself trapped in a moment Faced against the one I never wanted to battle The intensity of the atmosphere growing Knowing the consequences all too well, I don't want to fight But we dare to meet, but not eye to eye I fear the emotional repercussions Anger fires raging within us Why are we here? our guilt-ridden faces see through Empathy of pain; burning in our chests Filled with hate for the moment and how we got here Filled with stubborness and neither one of us ready to back off completely The fires burning higher and hotter and heavier Neither one of us wants to be hurtful Our emotional attatchments are strong still but with one igniting spark of dynammite The fire bursts into an explosion! stop suddenly, everything is finished as quickly as it had begun Only one person is left standing Why was it me? Why did I give the fatal blow, unconscious and shocked Who would believe that as the smoke cleared I would be the victor But I'll still cry out in pain i didn't want any victory I wanted resolution |
Strength I have never seen you weak And I only wonder because you stand so strong Holding on so greatly to life With an intense appreciation of one who has lived many lives- Like so many before You can only be so strong for so long before you fall from grace Or.... Have you fallen from grace before? Have you built your strength through the years of conditioning Is that why I can feel you so deeply? Your emotions are their own dependents Burning as deeply as you soul So, when the fire is bright within you, are you brave? Your strength of love can also mean that your pain is equal Seeing that anger behind blood shot eyes Weakness? I wonder How hard can you fall from where you are now? And I only wonder because you stand so strong. |
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untitled The pain was greater than I had ever anticipated So what was I to do? I alwys find myself trapped and hyptnotized Drained of the valuable life energy that kept me stable Willing to give it all up Because I care that much And expect no positive return But then, look at the aftermath I'm broken, again, and down on my knees crying in desperation Trembling uncontrollably Impulsive, irratic breathing Incomplete thoughts Praying for mercy and sympathy Wishing to be understood and given the respect that's due Please stop - so weak - What was I to do? But continue to admit my humanity and prove my existence To one who lives in fantasy and phantasm I can only take so much pain I can only take so much abuse Before I lose control of my emotions, of my sanity I'm forced to find a way to communicate Long after telephone lines are down But these expectations are impossible if only travelling one trip I have found nothing but pain Closing tighter and tighter; Restraining and pushing away Finally admiting my frailities and escaping without consent Giving up and leave regrets behind I know how important it is to live and so I am trying to regain that strength And if it wasn't for the mercy of some God out there I wouldn't have this chance But, I only have one chance I just hope the message becomes clear soon. |
untitled I was sitting on the beach alone and cold Just as the morning sun erupted from the distant horizon Wishing for you, thinking of you Sadness in my eyes Suddenly intutitive thoughts provide the smile Only to quickly recede, like an ocean wave going back into the ocean Reality alwys seems to hit me heard Even as the light slowly rises in a glorious dawn Only in my anticipation of a gentle hand wrapping around me Will the ocean truely come alive in a brilliant display of light, of energy He'll keep me warm and give me hope Now that I have the confidence and the promise of a new day I will no longer be alone and cold because The sun will have completely risen |
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untitled My youth stolen Reality smacking me in the face As I realize the pivital choice I must make Whether to allow my enviornment to overwhelm me Or to overcome the obstacles I most fear Because beyond those walls is the world I remember The life I have planned for Experiences I wanted to share With him You can't contain these rebellious impulses I was brought up to fight for freedom These walls become targets to breakdown Knowing the repercussions that will come. It's useless to stay here I've lost hope in that endeavor The respect is gone; the sympathy is destroyed Heartless, cold, harsh, and violent Words that now become home within me I am now willing to destroy the dreams of others I become the threat Instead of the little girl everyone knew; She's been burned and buried long ago. Now, I make the choice to leave And never turn my head to look back The walls are broken, and I am free. |
Light of a New Day Everyday is new There's no teling where we'll go until it comes All we can have is the hope and the dream That what we'll see will make us smile The sun glowing bright with white clouds in dark blue skies The flowers blooming on rolling hills dancing in the distance Vibrant colors scattered across the world Yet, there will come days With overcast skies, gray and bleak The rain pouring long and hard, the feeling of dampness in the air It'll be difficult to keep on running Your muscles worn down and exhausted As sweat and rain covers you Your head pounding in undeniable pain from distress Will you find yourself on your knees in a puddle of muddy water With your damp and soot-ridden hands covering your face Ashamed of the scars of your life from rainy days in the past? Or will you rise to your feet To see the sunlight bursting through the clouds And the promise of a new day? |
