She looked at him with eyes that just wanted to burst into tears. �I thought you loved me. . .�
He couldn�t look at her. He stopped looking at her a long time ago and she had never noticed it. �I can�t deal with your stress anymore.�
She looked down to the ground, ashamed of his reply, wishing desperately that he would change his mind and give their two-year old relationship more validation.
�We�ve been together for so long. . . Why so suddenly? Yesterday you were all cute and cuddly and now, you�re so cold to me. Why, Jon, why? I need those answers at least, don�t I?�
He looked at her in a way she had never seen him look at her, and she was scared. Young, energetic, bold, intelligent; she radiated with the sunlight as it shot on her clear, clean, bright tanned skin. A college student in her junior year, she had so much aspiration in the dreams of the future with him. She saw the family she wanted with the father she had hoped would come through. She saw the career she drove for and the support she would get. She saw the children happy and proud of their parents. She saw it all and it made her heart rush with passion and lust for life. Suddenly, it was going to crumble in front of her eyes and she had no justification for it, and yet she felt no anger. She felt, instead, frustration and annoyance from not understanding the suddenness of the situation.
The sun was bright on this beautiful summer day. The two young, vibrant adults stood together on a stoned path in a small park by the lake. It was almost done without thought; they would meet at the park bench on the south side of the city and walk the path every Saturday at 3:54 pm. Sometimes, he brought his little fishing pole and she would sit by the side feeding the ducks as they passed by. Today was different, apparently. Today, he didn�t bring his fishing pole. He didn�t bring the old stale loaf of bread for her to throw at the ducks. He didn�t even bring her favorite flower, cartouche lilies. No, not today, she thought to herself. Today he brought his anger, his resentment, and his decision that he was going to tear them apart.
�It�s just a decision I think will be best for the both of us right now.� He felt cold even though it was so warm. Why, he couldn�t even understand it himself. He had just graduated with a bachelor�s degree from college and was finally finding his career job. Youthful, handsome, brilliantly intelligent and filled with potential; who wouldn�t want to stand next to him? Who wouldn�t want to spend the rest of their lives with a man who was primed for life as it was coming to him? Who wouldn�t want the qualities of compassion and devotion? It was his decision though, something inside him told him that this girl couldn�t full fill the dream he saw for himself. The family he wanted and the life he was about to create for himself. She couldn�t do it and he knew it much too well to let it go unobserved. This was the time now to make those heart breaking decisions in his life because he was beginning to see the middle and end . . . and they were coming too quickly for him. Now he was rushing to make sure that he was on the right path.
�So that�s in then, huh? Leave me hanging by a string as I watch you walk away from me, right? Jon, it doesn�t make any sense to me. It doesn�t! You tell me, okay. You tell me if it makes sense that your boyfriend finds himself pushing away the one girl that has loved him for more than a year now; that has supported him through every obstacle he�s ever encountered; that has stuck by his side no matter how angry we got at each other or how much we wanted to run away. Jon, please don�t just leave this book open. If you intend to close it, do it properly and give me those answers for the sake that I can live the rest of my life without thinking those horrid, �What if�s�. Please, I am pleading to you! I�m pleading that you�ll reason yourself out of this. I�m pleading that you�ll listen to what I have to say when it�s my turn to talk, but Jon, it�s your turn first. So tell me why. Give me your reasons.�
He cleared his throat. It felt so easy, looking at the green leaves on the trees as they slight rustled in the gentle wind. The sun shined brightly at his face and glared into his eyes, almost blinding him. He found himself look straight at her eyes as they were recovering the sun�s intensity. It felt so easy to let her go . . . numb almost. As if he were looking at her dead body and not even feeling. It was justified in his head. Morally, he was not bothered. This was going to make him happy, he selfishly thought to himself. After two years, he finally decided that she couldn�t be the wife he had hoped she would eventually would. All the crap that he had gone through with her alcoholic mother, her suicidal sister, her dysfunctional family that threw her out into the streets and left her alone. It was an unhealthy situation, and yet he stuck by hoping that it would improve because she was so resilient. She never fell into the discrepancies of her family. She was a diamond in the rough . . . never was there a day that came that he ever doubted that she was going to find her success and her happiness. Unfortunately, it couldn�t be with him. �I just don�t think we can continue.�
She was flustered. Holding back on something, he could see it, but he knew that she was desperately holding on to her sanity. Chaos, her life was going chaotic again. Her foundation was going completely array. Now what was she suppose to do with him suddenly finding silence and avoidance. �That�s not the answer I�m looking for. Don�t you get it? I need to know why you don�t think we can continue. Your reasons are what I need.� She was boiling as the sun beat down on her. Sweat seeped through her pores, as if she had just come back from a long run. Her thoughts wouldn�t stop rushing by. Remembering how he would come over to her apartment and spend nights with her so she wouldn�t be so lonely. Remembering how he would call her on the telephone and meet her after he had gotten out of his night classes at college just so they could spend a couple more hours together before she had to wake up for her own early morning classes. Remembering how he would sweep her off her feet and treat her like a queen, she quietly began to cry. She remembered how they would go fishing together in Jersey at the inlet and the days of relaxing. She remembered those first memories of when they were first getting together. She remembered so much that it began to hurt. It began to stab at her and it began to rip at her soul. Ripping until she could no longer feel the pain and becoming numb in the process. �Jon. . . �
�It is time to separate into our own paths, Stacy. It is time to begin a new. Spring is the time that the world regenerates into a new life. It is a time of fresh, crisp beginnings that flash into a fulfilling life of beauty and wonder. Though we�ve been together for so long, and the potential for a lasting relationship was in our futures before, I can�t take you with me any longer. Stacy, you have issues that you will forever have to deal with. You have your family and your life that you have to take care of � it will have to be without me. I�m tired of the same problems arising; I�m tired of listening to those same stresses and it pounds in my head daily; I�m simply weary of you and I need something healthier, more stable, more reassuring; I need to know that you can perform to my demands, but it just doesn�t seem that you will. We can�t go to a higher level than where we are now. Stacy, I�m moving on. I have graduated from college and I have a new job waiting for me. I need someone that I can rely on will fulfill my destiny � I�m sorry, but it can�t be you.�
It didn�t hurt him. This was for his future and he thought he was doing the right thing by washing his hands completely of her. She no longer could be trusted to fill a position that was so important to his future. It began to hurt her though. It began to tear at her more and more. The tears wouldn�t stop coming now. Her eyes burned and her hope and expectations fell into the pits of her stomach. The way he looked at her as if she were no longer a person, was killing her. She looked away from him and off to the side where she saw a playground and children playing. Children were climbing the slides and throwing their hands up in the air when they glided down. Children were flying in the swings and pretending they were the fluffy clouds that were now passing by on this late spring afternoon. Children who were running around playing a game that made them laugh happily. Children, rushing in front of her eyes and she felt as if they were hers, but she could never touch them, kiss them, hold them, or be their inspiring figure in their lives. So close, but so far � they seemed to run away from her when she reached for them in her mind. She could no longer control her senses and they fell apart.
She couldn�t speak. No reply to his answer, she felt shame in not fulfilling his expectations. She simply wanted to turn around and walk away without saying good bye. He didn�t deserve her good bye anyway. She hasn�t even gotten the answer she wanted and she no longer cared for it. Why couldn�t she fulfill his expectations? Why was he deciding that she couldn�t be the one? Was it really because of her family or was that just an excuse to get away from the true reason � the one she suspected. That he had found another girl that would fill his every need. She didn�t care any longer � the stare in his eyes numbed her to all feelings he had for her. He was abandoning her, so it was time that she closed the door on him. He was being brutal and she had to respond in the same way so that she could survive this huge world she would now trek on her own. Intimidating, she realized but now she had to get through the next few minutes without an emotional breakdown.
He waited on her response but he knew he wasn�t getting it. So he simply wanted to let her walk away, like he knew she wanted. Why she was still here, he guessed was because she was still waiting for an answer. He couldn�t truly provide her with a good enough explanation that would qualm her of her insecurities though. He had certain hopes; certain priorities he had made long ago in his head for the future he wanted because of certain models he made them out of. Very strict, very precise, nothing could get in the way of the determination he had for his future, his career. With all the problems he had suffered in the past, he wasn�t sure if she was the one. He found no reassurance and yet he had no doubts in her abilities to make it work. Instead, he wanted to see what else was out there. This has to be a permanent good bye to a chapter in his life he truly enjoyed, though. He had found her and she was magnificent. Beauty, intelligence, potential, ambition; he unleashed her into womanhood and gave her the self awareness she needed to grow into a confident and radiant adult. Despite her unwholesome background and environment, he had reasoned with himself that she would come out of it a strong, bold person who would exceed his expectations. Her abilities have, and yet he would never be completely sure and couldn�t take the chance.
The wind blew, gentle, and the sun was sleepy in the sky. The bright yellow day now turned into a deep, darkening orange and red hue. The late afternoon spoke of the tiredness the day had grown to become. Used of all its energy, the sky became distant and lonely. The people all around now began to disappear, leaving the young couple alone to their unwanted confrontation. All sounds were silent now. The entire world was ending their day and he and she simply couldn�t pull themselves away just yet. There was a want for something; a want for closure; a want for a good bye that they could use to get them to sleep that night. Yet, they were making plans already for the alterations in their lives, as the flower buds began to die off and the tree�s leaves began to mature. Telephone numbers they were going to erase; screen names and address they were throwing away; presents and items that they had to give back; memories they had to store away forever in the back of their minds. Life was changing in front of their eyes, their irises contracting as the light around them became loss in the continuum of time and energy, and they didn�t know how to find an ending. They had written a grand story; a marvelous masterpiece made to overcome decades of time and last an eternity as a work of art. Yet, how should it end properly? He was repeating in his head how this would all work out for him in the end. She was repeating how she would now find comfort in traveling alone to a far away place.
She turned, tears in her eyes, and walked away. He turned, fists clenching and teeth gritting, and walked away. Simply, they walked on in separate directions without an everlasting sentence spoken. No grand last lines. No extravagant, spectaculars. It was a mutual understanding that nothing would ever come. They would have stood there as the night beckoned and still, they would find nothing to say. He had said what had to be done. She had listened and couldn�t find the words to say, no, don�t go. He longed for her now, natural in his desires that he was attempting to suppress. She no longer longed for him, and now made the first steps to a life of unsupported purposes. He hurt her, they both knew it. Yet, there was no other way to end it. There was no way to say good bye � they would never see each other again. That was the only foundation they had. The bench was left cold, a cool night approaching for the first time in weeks. The park despaired into a lifeless stagnation, now that hours have gone by and darkness has authoritatied its place. Long, seconds dragged by. Pain, the lake was still and the stars were silent. No matter what, the sun would come the next day. No matter what, the gloom of night would always follow.
