She sat in the diner - nervous. Bouncing her leg in anxiety, her hands seemed glued to her chin. Watching all the other customers as some ate in some sort of satisified contentment while others were smiling and talking loudly. Why can't I be one of them, she wondered, Why must I be trapped in this mess I call my life. So many stresses and not enough of me to solve them. There were so many confusions and distractions that left her mind wondering about what the meaning of her life was. She has been going to college for only a little while and she's wanted to change her major everyday. Her indecisiveness made her even more fearful that the future might not come soon enough or that the future might not be exactly what she wants it to be.
Then this had to happen. Now she's waiting for the man who called her here. Now she's waiting for the man that she would do anything for because of her admiration of him. She was waiting and wondering what he'll say and what he'll do. She played with her place mat and her fork to pass the time away; to try to get her thoughts as far away as possible from the rest of life around her. Strange, the sun was shining so brightly this early afternoon. So happy was the world around her and yet it felt unstable and on the brink of collapse. Had she lost her grip on herself? Most likely so, but who was to blame for that? Is she actually responsible for her own dramatic lifestyle because of the way she thinks or is she justified in believing that she can be so stressed out? Questions she cannot answer without him.
Fifteen minutes passed by and the waitress who was serving her was extremely annoyed that the nervous young woman was not ordering; saying that she was waiting for someone. It's so like him to be late, the nervous young woman begins to snowball her thoughts once again. Always leaving me in suspense and wonder. She couldn't help but be more than willing to anticipate him. After all, they had been going out for six monthes and it seemed like everything was perfect. He really liked her and she really liked him. So why couldn't she be a little nervous that he suddenly asked to have a "talk" with her at their favorite place to eat. So many fond memories shared between them of late night dinners, early morning breakfasts, brunches and such. All she could think of was his incredible smile and hs warm comforting eyes in a moment of intense lust as he just stared at her.
And now what? She hasn't seen him. She hasn't heard from him. Suddenly he's disappeared from the face of the earth for weeks on end. Suddenly it's as if he had never existed and it killed her to not to know why. He doesn't return her phone calls. He never writes an email. His screen name was plastered on the screen with its away message "in and out - leave one." Then one day while she's at work he finally calls and leaves a message on her machine to meet him at "the diner" at 2pm the next day. It's 2:30pm now and she was afraid that she had been stood up by him. She had to jockey her schedule around so that she would be sure to be at the diner at the exact time he specified and he hadn't shown up yet. Was she a fool for jumping when he called? Was she too excited to see him after how he had made her look like a jerk with his absense? Was he truly sincere for 6 monthes or playing her for a fool and feeding her line after line? Was he using her for his own satisifaction?
Suddenly she hears his voice "I don't need a table. I'm meeting my girlfriend here." She turns around and once again is excited at the sight of him. She doesn't get up, though, to greet him. "May I sit?" he asked politely as her emotions overwelm her.
"It' s your appointment; do as you may. Sit. Stand. Be 30 minutes late, I don't care." He could tell by the sarcasm in her voice that the tension he had created was far more advanced than he wanted it to be. Being late on top of that wasn't going to help him talk to her like he had desperately wanted to for weeks now.
"Look, I'm really sorry that I was . . . " He was about to apologize for his taridness but was rudely interrupted.
"Don't bother with your excuse. Just get to your point." She was filled with anger and pain. She was hurt - very hurt that he had just suddenly left when he had promised to call her - very hurt that he just left without a word after he had made her feel like a woman once more. She was hurt and felt as though she had just been used and now she was to be thrown to the side like a dirty rag that one just picks up to wipe away the dust once in a while.
He takes his seat and was about to start speaking when the waitress comes up and asks if they would like anything. He asks for a coke and the nervous young woman refuses to ask for anything. The annoying waitress walks away with her nose up in the air and he turns to look at his girl. She didn't look like his girl right now, but his thoughts were filled of her gleeful smile, her carefree laughter, her intensely beautiful eyes that were hidden behind dirty, worn-out glasses. Could he come to her now and be able to find his girl again? Could he reclaim the emotions he has for her, in her, and take her back again? He wanted so desperately to find the answers and to find that carefree smile once more. So he begins,
"I know I've been gone for a long time, but my feelings for you have never changed. I stil like you - a lot. I can't keep my mind off of you. You were in my thoughts everyday and I wanted so badly to give you a call or write you an email, but I never could. . . . "
"Why?" She asks, intent on trying to stay mad and not get upset.
"I . . . had issues I had to deal with." He says, guilt ridden.
"Another excue?" She asks.
"No. I had to deal with separate issues. I couldn't get to you. I thought you said that you were the most understanding person in the world. That I could rely on you to see and understand when I didn't think that anyone else could."
"I can only if I can justify it. I can only if I can rationalize it in my head. I can't rationalize why you couldn't call me. I can't rationalize why you would come to me, use me, and then disappear with your contemptment and not look back to see if I was left behind at all." She could feel the tears coming. So now was her time to let it all out finally. Now she could finally speak the words she had been feeling for monthes, for weeks, for days and minutes and every second. "I hate crying." She wipes her eyes and tries not to let them go.
"Please don't cry." He looks at her with concern and worry.
"Don't cry? What do you expect me to do? How do you expect me to feel? I feel used. I feel like I just lost the one guy I thought I would never find. That's right - you're the one guy I kept talking about all through my youth and teenage years. The one guy that would have been impossible to find. The one guy everyone said I would never find. The perfect blend of masculinity, good looks, comforting eyes, and great personailty. I proved everybody wrong the moment we got together and everyone rigth when you walked away. So how could I not cry? How can I not feel bad that I looked forward to seeing you, even when I'm mad at you, because I care about you and feel so gracious to know you? It just hurts. Disappointment hurts. The pain, it hurts. Don't you get it??"
He didn't know exactly what to do. He wanted so badly to go over to her and grab her and tell her that all was well. He didn't know if he should tell her what was on his mind now. He was scared, actually scared, that he was going to lose her. So he had to do something. He had to. So he walked over to her and bend down on one knee. She couldn't believe what she was looking at. He trembled as he went into his left pocket and took out a small purple velvet box. Openning it, it revealed a diamond engagment band. "I know I messed up. I know that I should have stayed in touch with you and that I shouldn't have left you alone all those weeks. Let me make it up to you. Let me spend the rest of my life making it up to you. God, I love you. I love you so much and so deeply that I'm scared of you right now. I'm terrified what you'll say and what you'll do because I need you in my life. I need you to be with me and to stay with me and help me when I'm in trouble. I want you to be the mother of my children. I want you to be the grandmother of our children's children. I want to grow old with you. I want you. . . to be my wife. Will you marry me?"
So everybody in the diner suddenly takes notice. What an amazing sight and an anxious moment for the sudden crowd of people. She was so afraid though. She was so afriad that she couldn't rely on him to be there when she needed him. She didn't know if she should put all of her trust into him when he had hurt her so badly. She didn't know if she could look to him to comfort her own fears when he was not there when she would call him; when she would wait for him for an endless number of hours to hear nothing but silence from him. Was this the answer though? Was marrying the perfect guy the answer to her dreams? Was this the answer to the problem? Was this another line he was feeding her? Was this a way to satisfy him until he wanted to leave again? Did she love him?
She looked at him. He looked at her with his warm comforting eyes. He looked at her intensely, in a moment of lust; of passion. Then she turned away. "I don't know. I need more time to think. I need more time to rationalize - if I can. I need to know if you'll wait for me. I need to know if you'll be there when I have your answer. I need to know that I can come to you anytime and know that you'll be there. I need to know because I can't live with that kind of pain for the rest of my life. I need to know, because I can't give you my answer if you aren't there - or maybe I will have it then as well. I need to know. . . " She looked at him, "Because I love you and I don't want to hurt you."
He wasn't disappointed. He wasn't pleased. He took the velvet box and placed everything he had on the line. He was more vulnerable now than he had ever been in his whole life and he was placing his trust into her. "Come to me when you have your answer. I'll be waiting for you . . . " So he got up, placed a five dollar bill on the table for the waitress and the bill and walked out of the diner. So she took the velvet box and openned it to look at the ring. A small smile passed on her face, and at the same time she sat there thinking and wondering what answer she could give and what would be the right one.
