and film that is Spinal Tap.
Any self respecting rock fan should know about this film and would have watched it at least 10 times!
It is without a doubt the funniest film of all time and is packed full of rock cliche's.
Talk to any veteran roadie and they will tell you that most of the things that happen in the film really do happen on the road!
Spinal Tap is a spoof and also a parody of actual rock stars.
Yes, there really are rock stars who act like these guys!
So, sit back, relax and read some of my favourite classic parts of the script. Enjoy!
NIGEL plays piano
MARTY: It's pretty.
NIGEL: Yeah, I like it, just been fooling about with it for a few months now, very delicate...
MARTY: It's a, it's a bit of a departure from the kind of thing you normally play.
NIGEL: Yeah, it's part of a...trilogy really, a musical trilogy I'm doing... in... D minor, which I always find is really the saddest of all keys really. I don't know why, but it makes people weep instantly, you play a..baaaaa...baaaaaa.... it's the horn part.
MARTY: It's very pretty.
NIGEL: ...baaaa, baaaaa, yeah, just simple lines intertwining, you know very much like, I'm really influenced by Mozart and Bach, It's sort of in between those, really, it's like a Mach piece really, it's...
MARTY: What do you call this?
NIGEL: Well, this piece is called "Lick My Love Pump".
IAN: Are you telling me that this is it? This is scenery? Have you ever been to Stonehenge?
Artist: No, I haven't been to Stonehenge.
IAN: The triptychs are...the triptychs are twenty feet high. You can stand four men up them!
Artist: IAN, I was...I was...I was supposed to build it eighteen inches high.
IAN: This is insane. This isn't a piece of scenery.
Artist: Look, look. Look, this is what I was asked to build. Eighteen inches. Right here, it specified eighteen inches. I was given this napkin, I mean...
IAN: Forget this! Fuck the napkin!!!
IAN: And oh how they danced, the little children of Stonehenge beneath the haunted moon, for fear that daybreak might come too soon.
DAVID: I do not, for one, think that the problem was that the band was down. I think that the problem may have been...that there was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of being crushed by a dwarf. Alright? That tended to understate the hugeness of the object.
IAN: I really think you're just making a much too big thing out of it.
DEREK: Making a big thing out of it would've been a good idea.
IAN: NIGEL gave me a drawing that said eighteen inches. Alright?
DAVID: I know he did, and that's what I'm talking about.
IAN: Now, whether he knows the difference between feet and inches is not my problem. I do what I'm told.
DAVID: But you're not as confused as him are you? I mean it's not your job to be as confused as NIGEL is.
IAN: It's my job to do what I'm asked to do by the creative element of this band. And that's what I did. C'mon...
JEANINE: The audience were laughing.
IAN: So it became a comedy number.
DAVID: Yes it did! Yes it fucking well did, and it was not pleasant to be part of the comedy on stage. Backstage, perhaps, it was very amusing.
DEREK: Maybe we just fix the choreography. Keep the dwarf clear.
DAVID: What do you mean?
DEREK: So they won't get trod upon.
DEREK: Can I raise a practical question at this point?
DAVID: Yeah.
DEREK: We gonna do Stonehenge tomorrow?
DAVID: No we're not gonna fucking do Stonehenge!!!
Reading a review of Spinal Tap's latest album
Marty DiBergi: "This pretentious ponderous collection of religious rock psalms is enough to prompt the question, `What day did the Lord create Spinal Tap, and couldn't he have rested on that day too?'"
Lt. Hookstratten: May I start by saying how thrilled we are to have you here. We are such fans of your music and all of your records. I'm not speaking of yours personally, but the whole genre of the rock and roll.
Derek Smalls: We're lucky.
David St. Hubbins: Yeah.
Derek Smalls: I mean, people should be envying us, you know.
David St. Hubbins: I envy us.
Derek Smalls: Yeah.
David St. Hubbins: I do.
Derek Smalls: Me too.
Asked to write his own epitaph
David St. Hubbins: Here lies David St. Hubbins... and why not?
Mick Shrimpton: As long as there's, you know, sex and drugs, I can do without the rock and roll.
Nigel: Well so what, what's wrong with being sexy.. I mean there's no..
Ian: Sex-ist!
David: Ist. More than sexy.
MARTY: You play to predominantly, uh predominantly a white audience, you feel your music is racist in any way?
DAVID: no!
NIGEL: No, no, of course not....
DAVID: We pro...we say, we say "love your brother", we don't say it, really, but..
NIGEL: We don't literally say it.
DAVID: No, we don't say it ...at all.
NIGEL: No, we don't literally mean it, but we're not racists.
DAVID: No, we don't believe it either, but...that message shuould be clear anyway.
NIGEL: We're anything but racists.
DEREK: You know, we've grown musically...I mean, listen to some of the rubbish we did early on, it was stupid...
MARTY: Yeah.
DEREK: ...you know. Now, I mean a song like "Sex Farm", we've taken the sophisticated view of the idea of sex, you know, and music-
MARTY: ...and put it on a farm?
DEREK: Yeah.
IAN: Here it is, lads! "Smell The Glove"...gather round.. Where's DAVID?... DAVID, DAVID, get up here! ?: Come on IAN, you're kidding..
DEREK: DAVID, "Smell The Glove" is here. Hello, JEANINE.
IAN: The moment we've all been waiting for...Here we go, plenty for everybody...here you are.
DAVID: I never thought I'd see...I never thought I'd live to see the day.
IAN: What do you think?
DEREK: Is this the test pressing?
IAN: No, this is it, yes, that's right...
DAVID: This is "Smell The Glove" by Spinal Tap....
IAN: That's "Smell The Glove" that's, that's the jacket cover, it's going out across the country in every store.
DAVID: This is the compromise we made...this is the compromise you made?
IAN: Yes.
DEREK: Is it going to say anything here, or here along the spine?
DAVID: It's not going to say anything?
IAN: No, it's not going to say anything.
NIGEL: It's going to be like this, all black...
IAN: No, it's going to be that simple, beautiful, classic! ?: Does look a little bit like, you know, black leather...
DEREK: You can see yourself in... both sides.
DAVID: I feel so bad, I feel so bad about this...
NIGEL: It's like a black mirror.
DAVID: Well, I think it looks like death...it looks like mourning. I mean it looks...
IAN: DAVID, DAVID, every, every movie, in every cinema is about death; death sells!
NIGEL: I think he's right, there is something about this, that's that's so black, it's like; "How much more black could this be?" and the answer is: "None, none... more black."
DAVID: I think, like you've, like rationalizing this whole thing like into something you did on on purpose. I think we're stuck with a very, very stupid and a very, and a very dismal looking album, this is depressing.
NIGEL: DAVID!
DAVID: This is something you wear around your arm, you don't put this on your fucking turntable.
NIGEL: DAVID, it's a choice.
IAN: I frankly think that this is the turning point, okay? I think, I think this is...we're on our way now.
NIGEL: I agree, I agree...
IAN: It's time time to kick arse!
Nigel Tufnel: You can't really dust for vomit.
David St. Hubbins: It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever.
David St. Hubbins: Well, I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I weren't under such heavy sedation.
David St. Hubbins: Dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It's just not really widely reported.
DAVID: Duke! Great to see you. See ya. See you, Duke. Good days. Good days.
DAVID: Fuckin' wanker.
NIGEL: What a wanker.
DAVID: What a wanker.
DEREK: Total no talent sod.
NIGEL: He's got this much talent -- this much if he's lucky.
DAVID: We carried him. We had to apologize for him with our set.
DEREK: That's right.
MICK: That's right, yeah.
DAVID: People were still booin' 'im when we were on stage.
DJ: The Thamesmen later changed their names to Spinal Tap, they had a couple of B side hits.
They are currently residing in the "where are they now" file. Johnny Q with you on golden 106..
Derek: Fuck you|!
NIGEL: This is a top to a, you know, what we use on stage, but it's very...very special because if you can see...
MARTY: Yeah...
Nigel Tufnel: The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and -
Marty DiBergi: Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten?
Nigel Tufnel: Exactly.
Marty DiBergi: Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder?
Nigel Tufnel: Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your guitar. Where can you
go from there? Where?
Marty DiBergi: I don't know.
Nigel Tufnel: Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?
Marty DiBergi: Put it up to eleven.
Nigel Tufnel: Eleven. Exactly. One louder.
Marty DiBergi: Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?
NIGEL: *pause*......these go to eleven.
Nigel Tufnel is showing Marty DiBergi one of his favorite guitars
Nigel Tufnel: The sustain, listen to it.
Marty DiBergi: I don't hear anything.
Nigel Tufnel: Well you would though, if it were playing.
NIGEL: Now this is special, too, it's a...look...see...still got the uh...the ol' tagger on it...see...never even played
it ...see...
MARTY: You just bought it and....
NIGEL: Don't touch it! Don't touch it! No one...no one...no! Don't touch it.
MARTY: Well uh I wasn't...uh I wasn't gonna touch it...I was just pointing at it...I....
NIGEL: Well don't point, even.
MARTY: Don't even point?
NIGEL: No. It can't be played...never...I mean I....
MARTY: Can I look at it?
NIGEL: No. No you've seen enough of that one.
DAVID: What's that on your finger?
NIGEL: That's my gum!
DAVID: What's it doing on your finger?
NIGEL: I might need it later.
DAVID: Put it on the table, that's terrible.
NIGEL: Well...I might forget it on the table.
DAVID: You can't take him anywhere.
Derek Smalls sets off a metal detector at the airport
Airport Security Officer: Do you have any artificial plates or limbs?
Derek Smalls: Er, not really no.
JANITOR: You're authorized. You're musicians aren't you?
DAVID: We've got guitars yeah.
JANITOR: It's on the...
DAVID: Alright! Thank you. Thank you very much. Rock 'n roll!!! Rock and roll!!!
VIV: Let's get it! Let's get it!
DAVID: This way?
DEREK: No, this way.
DAVID: I see, this way.
DEREK: Straight through. Rock 'n roll! Hello Cleveland! Hello Cleveland!!!
NIGEL: Let's go!
DAVID: Fuck!
JANITOR: You must've made a wrong turn.
DEREK: We gotta go another way.
DAVID: Other way. Other way. Other way.
DEREK: Other way. Other way.
NIGEL: How do you know it was mixed wrong?
DAVID: But she's...she's heard the...she's heard the record.
JEANINE: No, but I've heard the album.
NIGEL: So you're judgement is that it was mixed wrong.
JEANINE: You couldn't hear the lyrics all over it.
DAVID: You don't agree that you can't hear the vocals?
NIGEL: No, I don't. I do not agree. No.
DAVID: Well I think maybe....
NIGEL: It's interesting that she's bringing it up.
DAVID: Well she'd like to hear the vocals.
NIGEL: I mean it's like it's me saying, you know, you're using the wrong conditioner for your hair.
DAVID: Don't be stupid.
JEANINE: You don't, you don't do heavy metal in doubly, you know, I Mean...it's
NIGEL: In what??? In what???
JEANINE: In doubly...
NIGEL: In dublin!?! What's that?
DAVID: She means Dolby, alright? She means Dolby, you know? You know perfectly well what she means.
NIGEL: ...ha ha...
Marty compliments Nigel on his tee shirt.
Nigel Tufnel: You like this?
Marty DiBergi: It's very nice. It looks like hollow wood.
Nigel Tufnel: This is my exact inner structure, done in a tee shirt. Exactly medically accurate. See?
Marty DiBergi: So in other words if we were to take all your flesh and blood...
Nigel Tufnel: Take them off. This is what you'd see.
Marty DiBergi: It wouldn't be green though.
Nigel points at Marty.
Nigel Tufnel: It is green. You see how your blood looks blue.
Marty DiBergi: Yeah, well that's just the vein. That's the color of the vein. The blood is actually red.
Nigel Tufnel: Oh then, maybe it's not green. Anyway this is what I sleep in sometimes.
Reading a review of the album "Shark Sandwich"
Marty DiBergi: Two words: shit sandwich.
Marty DiBergi: "This tasteless cover is a good indication of the lack of musical invention within. The musical growth of this band cannot even be charted. They are treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry."
Nigel Tufnel: That's just nitpicking, isn't it?
When asked what happened to their first drummer
David St. Hubbins: He died in a tragic gardening accident... Authorities said... it's best to leave it... unsolved.
Nigel Tufnel: We've got Armadillos in our trousers. It's really quite frightening.
Ian Faith: The Boston gig has been cancelled...
David St. Hubbins: What!?
Ian Faith: Yeah. I wouldn't worry about it though, it's not a big college town.
David St. Hubbins: We are Spinal Tap from the UK -- you must be the USA!
NIGEL: No, no, no, no this....look, look, look, there's a little problem with the... look this, this miniature bread. It's like... I've been working with this now for about half an hour. I can't figure out... let's say I want a bite, right, you've got this...
IAN: You'd like bigger bread?
NIGEL: Exactly! I don't understand how...
IAN: You could fold this though.
NIGEL: Well, no then it's half the size.
IAN: Not the bread, you could fold the meat.
NIGEL: Yeah, but then it, then it breaks up, breaks apart like this.
IAN: No, no, no, you put it on the bread like this, you see
NIGEL: But then, if you keep folding it, it keeps breaking...
IAN: Why do you keep folding it?
NIGEL: And then you...everyhing has to be folded, and then it's this, and I don't want this I want large bread so that I can put this...
IAN: Right
NIGEL: ...so then it's like this, this does not work because then...it's all....
IAN: 'cause it hangs out like that?
NIGEL: Look...
IAN: Yeah.
NIGEL: Would you been holding this?
IAN: No, I don't want to eat...I wouldn't want to put that in my mouth, no you're right, NIGEL, you're right...
NIGEL: No, alright 'A', exhibit 'A', now we move on to this, look, look who's in here? No one! And then in here there's a little guy, look! So it's, it's a complete catastrophe.
IAN: You're right, NIGEL, NIGEL calm down, calm down.
NIGEL: Calm d...good, no it's not a big deal, it's a joke, it's really, it's...
IAN: I'm sorry, it's just some crappy univeristy, you know
NIGEL: I know, Yeah, right, it's a joke, it's all a j-
IAN: Really, I don't want it to affect your performance.
NIGEL: It's not gonna affect my performance, don't worry about it, alright, just hate it, it's really...
IAN: It won't happen again.
NIGEL: It does disturb me.
IAN: It's disgusting.
NIGEL: But I'll rise above it, I'm a professional, right?
IAN: Yes, I mean it's, it's, a it's a kind of totemestic thing you know, but to be quite frank with you, it's come in usefull in a couple of situations. Certainly in the topsy, turvy world of heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is quite often...useful.
JEANINE: Oh, no! I told them once, I told them a hundred times: put "Spinal Tap" first and "Puppet show" last.
DEREK: It's a morale builder, isn't it?
JEANINE: We've got a big dressing room, though.
DAVID: What?
JEANINE: Got a big dressing room here...
DAVID: Oh, we've got a bigger dressing room than the puppets? Oh, that's refreshing..
MARTY: Do you feel that playing rock'n'roll...music keeps you a child? That is, keeps you in a state of arrested development?
DEREK: No...no...no, I feel, it's like, it's more like going, going to a national park, or something, and there's, you know, they preserve the moose...and that's, that's my childhood up there on stage is that moose, you know, and...and...
MARTY: So, when you're playing you feel like a preserved moose on stage?
DEREK: Yeah.
Marty DiBergi: David St. Hubbins... I must admit I've never heard anybody with that name.
David St. Hubbins: It's an unusual name, well, he was an unusual saint,
he's not a very well known saint.
Marty DiBergi: Oh, there actually is, uh... there was a Saint Hubbins?
David St. Hubbins: That's right, yes.
Marty DiBergi: What was he the saint of?
David St. Hubbins: He was the patron saint of quality footwear.
Nigel Tufnel: Well, I suppose I could work in a shop of some kind or... or do um... freelance... selling of some sort of... um... product, you know...
Marty DiBergi: A salesman, you think you...
Nigel Tufnel: A salesman, like, mabye in a haberdasher, or maybe like a... um, a chapeau shop, or something... you know, like: "Would you... what size do you wear, sir?" and then you
answer me.
Marty DiBergi: Uh... seven and a quarter.
Nigel Tufnel: "I think we have that...", you see, something like that I
could do.
Marty DiBergi: Yeah... you think you'd be happy doing something like---
Nigel Tufnel: "No! We're all out, do you wear black?", see, that sort of thing, I think I could probably muster up.
Marty DiBergi: Yeah, do you think you'd be happy doing that?
Nigel Tufnel: Well, I don't know, wh-wh-what are the hours?
You can read the whole damn script at http://www.spinalpap.com/words/script.asp