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Lost At Sea

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

Best Friends

San and Dan were friends for more than 30 years. Their friendship had weathered innumerable arguments. However, Stan being the more intelligent one, had fared better than Dan in business, which was a constant source of irritation to Dan. Stan was on his death bed with Dan hovering over him. Apparently in his last few moments, Stan called Dan close to him and said, "Dan, you know we've been friends for 30 years now. I have this one last wish which only you, my friend, can grant. Will you do it ?" "Just tell me what it is Stan" said Dan, "and I'll do it happily. Anything for you, my friend." "You know Dan, there's this bottle of the finest whisky which I have been saving for the last 15 years. I want you to pour it over my grave when I'm gone. Will you do it ?" "Sure thing Stan," said Dan, "But would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first ?"

The Irish Drinker

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Beer Groaners

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer," he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "No charge."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here."

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"

This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What'll ya have..." The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club."

A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."

A guy walks into a bar. "OUCH!" he said.

Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted.

Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma," said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender, "That'll be one blood and one blood lite."

The Letter To Miller Brewing Company

Dear Sir or Madam,

I have been a drinker of Miller beer's for many years (actually, ever since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun Control Inc. back in the mid 80's).

Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time in mid-1990 while in Honduras I switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama. Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD. For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from Genuine Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew.

But wait! Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors, so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold!

Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve judgment on the new can design.

Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label. That was until about May of this year. That was when I discovered (empirically) that I really didn't like the new design. Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following observations:

1. Your cans are made of aluminum.

2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy.

3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the container may be exposed to sunlight.

4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface of the can.

5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum, by conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer).

6. Warm beer sucks.

This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer.

However, this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you painted the damn can... black!!!

Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the can and implemented the change right before summer? Granted, this process may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in Oklahoma where the summers are both sunny and hot, this effect is quite a problem. There's no telling what the folks in Texas and Arizona are having to put up with.

Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had firm evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted extensive experimentation. The results of these experiments are listed below.

The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my pool. The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers from a party the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38 degrees (and then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time. These beers were sampled by the test subjects at different intervals.

The subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling interval their impressions of the different beers.

The length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the subject determined the sample undrinkable (the Suck-point) was determined. The average ambient temperature for the trials was 95 degrees F.

Beer Type Average Suck-point (minutes)

------------------------------------------------------------

Miller Lite (white can) 6.2

Bud (white can) 5.5

Bud Lite (silver can) 5.2

Ice House (blue and silver can) 4.4

Coors Lite (silver can) 4.1

Miller Genuine Draft (black can) 2.8

Coors (gold can) 0.1

It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the average suckpoint, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to suck at any point.

It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD cans. All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade will thank you.

Sincerely,

Bradley Lee

Beer-drinker

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The Miller response appears below. They have had a lot of fun with this guy's letter. Enjoy...

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Dear Bradley Lee,

Thank you for your letter and your concern about the MGD can color as it relates to premature warming of the contents. Like you, we at Miller Beer take beer drinking very seriously. To that end, we have taken your letter and subsequent experiment under serious consideration.

Outlined below are our findings and solution to your problem. May we add that we have had similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers, mostly from the Southern United States.

First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our analysis tends to agree with yours regarding Coors. It certainly does suck at about any temperature.

Now, it was our intentions when redesigning the MGD can to create better brand identity and brand loyalty. Someone in marketing did some kind of research and determined we needed to redesign the can. You will be pleased to know, we have fired that idiot and he is now wreaking havoc at a pro-gun control beer manufacturer. The design staffer working in cahoots with the marketing idiot was also down-sized. However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would have been even a bigger mistake.

So, we took some other actions. From our market research, we found a difference between Northern beer drinker and Southern beer drinkers.

Beer drinkers in the South tend to drink slower than beer drinkers in the North. We are still researching why that is. Anyway, at Miller Beer, it was never our intentions to have someone take more than 2.5 minutes to enjoy one of our beers. We pride ourselves in creating fine, smooth, quick drinking beers and leave the making of sissy, slow sipping beers to that Sam guy in Boston.

However, it is good to know that you feel our Miller Lite can last as long as 6 minutes. However, may we suggest in the future you try consuming at least two in that time frame.

From your letter, we had our design staff work 'round the clock to come

up with a solution that would help not just MGD but all our fine Miller products. We hope you have recently noticed our solution to your problem. We found that the hole in the top of the can was not big enough for quick consumption. So, we have now introduced the new "Wide Mouth" cans. We hope this will solve all your problems. Might I also suggest that if you want to get the beer out of the can even faster, you can poke a hole on the side near the bottom, hold your finger over it, open the can, tip it to your mouth and then pull your finger off the hole. This is a common way to drink beer at parties and impress your friends.

This technique is known as "shot-gunning". You should like the name.

Again, thank you for your letter and bring to our attention that there might be other beer drinkers taking more that 2.5 minutes to drink our beers. Let me assure you that I am having our advertising department work on campaign to solve this problem, too.

Sincerely,

Tom B. Miller

Public Relations

Miller Brewing Co.

The Beer Tune (sung to Doe a Deer)

Dough, with which I buy my beer;

Ray, the guy I buy beer from;

Me, the guy I buy beer for;

Fa, the distance to the store.

So, I think I'll have a beer.

La.... la la la la la laaaaa...

Te, no thanks, I'll have a beer.

And that will bring us back to dough.

The Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager.
Barmen.

The Reason I Drink Beer

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

Why Drink Beer?

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

Beer Conference

In Amsterdam, a world wide convention of brewers was held. The presidents of many of the world's greatest breweries were on hand, and many of them decided to go out for dinner together on the first evening. The waiter asked what they would like to drink, and the CEO of Miller's said, "A Miller's Light please!" The president of Budweiser asked for a "Bud!". Adolph Coors requested a "Coors." And so it went, around the large table, each president asking for the brew from his own company. Finally, the waiter came to Arthur Guinness. "And you sir?" he queried. "I'll have a Coke!" was Guinness's reply. "A Coke??!?" The waiter was shocked. "Wouldn't you rather have a Guinness, sir?" Arthur looked at the waiter, and gestured to his companions, "Well," he said, "If they're not drinking beer, then neither will I!"

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