Cover Note (More Excuses)

Hi there again, I thought that I ought to say a few words before I subject you to part two of this play/film/whatever the hell it is. Since writing the first and, at the time, only part of the saga, I’ve had a fun few months. I’ve finished working at IBM which kind of abolishes my excuse for spending my days writing this stuff. The only excuse now is that I have no life. So I wrote during my free time in late July/August/early September, whilst waiting for occasional irregular trips to Reading or, generally, night to fall and drinks therefore to pour. Isn’t pre-student life great?

Also, in July, a certain holiday took place that inspired, in its own special way, parts of this play. It also ‘created’ some of the new characters you might read about. If you can be bothered.

So, it’s a sequel. But I like it. Is it less funny than the first? I don’t know actually, it could well be. There are, deliberately, less "sozz"s and "can I have a reef mate"s and "Chris Rootes DJing in Slough"s. Well, if those were the funniest parts of the last play then it wasn’t anyway near as imaginative as it should have been. In those terms, therefore, this play is more ‘imaginative’ and it certainly does take more liberties. Or poetic licences. In other words, it’s less, erm, realistic (!) because a lot of the events described didn’t actually happen - but then you could say that about the last one (Shaun hasn’t quite killed everyone he knows, yet). Oh, I don’t know.

I make no excuses or apologies for the differences between this and the last. I also don’t apologise for the fact that about 15% of this play is completely irrelevant. If I didn’t include these side-scenes, I would have got bored with the actual story and given up on it. I did think of producing an edition without these scenes but it was a crap idea. Enjoy them, that’s what they’re there for.

It just leaves me to say that whilst I thought You’ve Got Voicemail was trailer trash bullshit, I think You’ve Got Voicemail II is still pretty tatty but it is better garbage. Part II is better than its predecessor and you can quote me on that. If you disagree, you are a fool.

See you fools!

Roberto Ricardo.

P.S. There will definitely not be a You’ve Got Voicemail III. You can quote me on that too.

This Time It’s Text Messages

Par Roberto Ricardo

Cast

Spanish guys A bunch of Spanish guys who work at the karting track.

Act One

All is lightless…..

Scene One

We’re in a hotel suite with two chairs. In one sits Lenny Kravitz and in another sits Margarita Taylor, y’know, that girl who is on practically every ITV / Channel 4 entertainment show. She’s interviewing him, hey, it’s her job for chrissakes.

Scene Two

Hi there again. So, it’s the sequel and therefore it won’t be as good as the first one - it’s a fact you’ll just have to accept. Considering the first one wasn’t that good anyway, well don’t expect much. Anyway, it’s Rob here again, your faithful stage manager and lover extraordinary. Since we last spoke, I’ve unfortunately had a few problems, my marriage broke up, the gambling has left me penniless and I haven’t had a job since the first Voicemail. I’ve taken this one on myself because I had to. Still, life pulls its punches and who am I to block them?

The play, for that is what it is – not a film like the first one – yes, the play starts off in where else but the pits of hell. No, not Bedford, but the actual pits of hell - y’know, that place where Satan comes from, bit toasty, got a bit of a reputation as a rough place. Ah, you know the place. Well, after Shaun massacred everyone in the last one, it should come to no surprise to any moralist that this is where the boy wonder ended up. Ooooh, don’t you just hate it when that happens?

We meet up with him in a huge cavern, lit red with fires spewing from the pits dangerously positioned throughout the floor. Shaun is sitting on a stalactite or a stalagmite, I don’t know, whichever grows up. Obviously, this isn’t the most comfortable of seats so our antihero shifts restlessly as he chats to Maria, an American hell-dweller he came across on his miserable travels. They are both unkempt and in rags. Jethro Tull is playing in the background.

They stare into each others’ eyes for a while and then move slowly closer. Their lips touch and a lightning bolt strikes each of them on the back.

Scene Three

We’re in an office. A chair is turned with its back to us behind a desk. Behind the chair is a large window, through which we can see the familiar fires of hell. The chair spins round with much gusto and their sits a red bloke with horns, a tail and a pack of fudge. Gomez’s "Love Is Better Than A Warm Trombone" is pumping out of the stereo like an oil rig.

Satan presses a button on the intercom.

Satan grins and winks at us.

As he waits for Shelley, Satan looks a little embarrassed and drums his fingers on his desk. The door gradually edges open upon which Satan becomes relieved.

Shelley walks in, cautiously, looking above his head until he is through the door. He strolls over to the desk, hands Satan the cigar who puts it between his lips.

Satan pulls Shelley’s hand towards him, chops off a fingertip with a knife, clicks his fingers and a flame shoots out of the blunt finger. With this flame, he lights his cigar and puffs gleefully on it.

Shelley lifts his flaming finger to his mouth and blows the flame out, unimpressed.

Satan sits back in his chair and chomps on his cigar. When Gomez are done, "Washing Machine" by Sonic Youth comes on. This’ll last to the end of the scene - fear not, it’s quite long ( I have everything neatly planned for a trouble and stress free working environment).

Knock on the door and Shaun and Maria walk in.

Shaun’s look shows obvious disagreement.

Shaun and Maria walk out. Satan walks over to a globe and spins it round. He stops it with his finger, pointing to a small island off the coast of Morocco.

Scene Four

Hi Kloda! Good to see you again.

Scene Five

We are at an airport. People are milling about everywhere but our attention is on a group of four English girls. There would be more but there’s way too many people in this cast already and I can’t cope with another ten. The four girls are Genevieve (Gennie, I believe), Helen, Lisa and Nicky. Helen is a partially-deaf mute girl. That gives me one less person to write for! Ha ha, I’m so lazy.

Ah, it’s Warren, the Airtours rep. He’s a big lad, wet-look hair, oafish build. Great suit though.

Scene Six

So, we’re in the apartment block of the RTBs, the Loco Nino. They’ve just arrived for the first time and are stunned by the beauty of their apartment.

Nicky sets up the stereo, fishes around in her bag and holds the Russian Techno CD aloft.

And so the sounds of da techno start up for the first time that holiday. And they are loud. The girls start to choose rooms.

Gennie looks at Helen, points towards the remaining room. Helen agrees with a thumbs up and a nod.

Scene Seven

We are now in another apartment. Shaun wakes up in what looks like a lounge, there’s a sofa and a couple of chairs, a table, a TV. He sees Maria lying next to him and gives her a peck on the forehead. He’s relieved to not be struck on the back with lightning. He gets out of bed and walks out of the room.

He walks along the corridor and sees a bedroom. He looks inside to see Alan and Kev in two single beds. Kev is another Reading student and a new character – progression is the secret to life. He is a shaved head tall bloke with a kind smile and a gentle twinkle in his eye, if it is ever open.

Shaun walks on and sees Clarkey and Rob in another room.

In the final bedroom he sees two single beds but only one is occupied – by Dutch Mike, founder of the Church of Irregularity. Or was that Sue Townsend, I always get those two mixed up.

Oh look, Clarkey’s woken up.

They walk out of the apartment, down the stairs and find themselves by the pool of the apartment block. They go into the bar area and see a stand with a load of tourist information.

And so they walk back to the apartment, sun beating down on them. By the time they get back, Mike, Alan and Rob have woken up. They look very puzzled and when they see Shaun with Clarkey they become a little angry.

They all stand aghast at Clarkey’s uncharacteristically deep (yet characteristically suspect) comment.

Scene Eight

We’re in an elevator with a girl in a suit, very well coiffured. Her name is Teri.

Scene Nine

It’s the lads – Shaun, Alan, Clarkey, Mike and Rob – and Maria and they’re in a street. They are being hassled by numerous PR girls, trying to get them into their bars.

They walk on to the next bar before they are accosted again, by two more PR birds, one large and ugly, one smaller and foxier.

And with a hop, skip and a jump they go into The Royal Oak II. As they sit down, a round of green drinks are handed round with pathetic medicine cupfuls of a red liquid.

As they down the red stuff.

* * *

Lights out, time passes, lights on, the food has been delivered, not looking particularly appetising.

Shaun leaves

Shaun walks in

Scene Ten

Margarita Taylor is interviewing Whitney Houston in another hotel suite

Act Two

Scene One

We’re at Waikiki Beach, a very packed bar which has a supposedly tropical theme but it’s really a load of British drinking cheaply and joyfully. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. Playing in the bar is a medley consisting of sped up versions of The Corrs’ "Runaway," Whitney Houston’s "It’s not right but it’s OK" and a normal version of ATB’s "9 PM ‘til I Come."

And so the lads suck on their straws as their heavily iced red bulls and vodkas sink down their throats. Rob wins. He’s so great.

As they sip on their red bulls they discuss the point system which will be obeyed during the holiday. [Don’t blame me if I got this wrong, it’s not like I paid much attention]

Scene Two

It’s the next day and we’re now on the balcony of the lad’s apartment in the Loco Nino, overlooking the pool. It is also directly opposite the RTB’s apartment. The lads are screwing about, drinking cheap lager. "People’s Court II" by some Jamaican guy is playing on the stereo, loudly.

Alan goes into apartment and reappears with one of those laser pointer things.

Alan points the laser over at the opposite side of the block and when he finds the dot, he moves it over to the RTB’s balcony, where they are dancing to some music, obviously not People’s Court II due to out of time dancin’, probably some Russian Techno.

Lads laugh

* * *

Lights dim, time passes, lights de-dim.

Now everyone is by the pool – the RTBs, Alan, Clarkey, Maria, Mike, Rob and Shaun. The lads (Look, for reasons of brevity, Maria is one of the lads – you should have figured that out by now) walk to the table at which the ladies are seated, a table supporting numerous bottles of liquids. The bar is playing a curious selection of music including Faith No More’s "Cuckoo for Caca." Rockin’ baby.

Shaun gets his foot gently stamped on by Maria, accompanied by a scowl.

Helen gives the lads a thumbs-up. This is exciting literature isn’t it!?!

The lads all take a swig.

Scene Three

It’s Teri again. She has now left the elevator and is walking along a nicely carpeted corridor towards a door at the end.

She reaches the door and knocks.

Scene Four

We’re in Satan’s office. He is alone and addressing us from a comfy chair, one leg crossed over t’other.

Scene Five

It’s 6am in the morning and we’re now by the pool. Shaun is alone and a little drunk etc. This is also not an accurate depiction of the actual scene but I have artists’ rights. Besides, I was asleep at the time.

Shaun walks in

Shaun I have my melba toast and I’m gonna eat it with a half quart of yoghurt because I can and that seems a good enough reason to me. Melba is from the city of Melbourne in Australia which is just 50 miles north of where they film Neighbours. I chuck pennies at my neighbours because they’re a bunch of fuckers, I need a game of pool? Anyone want a game of pool? (Just laughing)

Shaun Uuuhh Uuuhh Uuuhh, Uuhh Uuhh Uuhh, Ooooooohhhhh baby, music sounds better with yooouuuuu. What d’you think people? (Applause) I am Bj0rn, Belgian juror horn and I am here to judge whether the balm in Oil of Ulay is applicable to the underside of a frenchman’s hairy palm, a palm so hairy that underdogs of New York City are requesting ownership rights in case tyrannical Disney try to make a cartoon out of it thus ripping off another community that desperately needs help, preferably from a charity that has the power to actually do something, not just the ribbons. Turn up the bass you fucker and see how much I can get down.

Juan Get down from there!

Shaun Come on up here.

Juan Que?

Shaun Vamos a jugar por la playa

Juan I said get down before I get security guard.

Shaun [Deep breath] I was born in a state of metal indecision and frequently I need (Juan goes inside) some medicine to cool my brain, a brain so full of jello that machine headed foresters sometimes come and mistake me for a jello tree, which doesn’t bother them because they reckon jelly is just another form of sugary desert and once you’ve seen one jello you’ve seen all jellies and the same goes for trees, so they try to chop me down. I usually hold out my arms and then when they get close with their axe, I go like this (swings arms round) and smack their machine heads off. Ha ha ha, bastards all. I’m off the hook so don’t bother dialling. Hey you, what do you see? The frolongs of genocide have taken a decidedly sinister turn for the worse and yet, and yet many people don’t seem to fucking care – I mean, what the fuck is going on? Oh god help me, help me to understand why people today just don’t seem to care about their refrigerators, shutting their doors while they go on holiday, all that does is make the food go mouldy and even if there isn’t any fucking food in there, there’s still some mould that is produced, on the fucking plastic or whatever they make fridges out of these days. Spandex monkeys have come from the very depths of heaven and are swooping down to their graves, tearing off soiled dresses from virgins of copious white – and for what fucking reason? It’s not like virgins ever do anything, they just sit home and do their sewing – or have a wank I suppose. I am anything when I’m high!!!! All dried up and tied up forever, all fucked up and dead to the world - as he once said, I don’t know who – but, well, people put words in my mouth and, well, shit comes out, I guess. Let’s see how many people I can piss off tonite, I mean, I’ve already pissed off that security guard bloke, let’s see how far I can take this – FUCK ME people, anyone here wanna FUCK ME, I don’t care who – cripples, the blind, the deaf, the deformed, the geriatric – I’ll take you all on for I am the antichrist and I will FUCK anything that moves, that’s just the kind of guy I am. Ha, it’s like at first he had to have Mia, well she was funny, in her own way but she seemed to lack that kind of passion that he had to make up for and because he was so, well, charismatic, so energetic, so, I don’t know, so easy in front of the camera, well he sort of made up for her and actually made it possible that an ugly geek with glasses could pull the beautiful broad with blonde hair and great tits. Of course, things went a bit wrong and Keaton sort of took over the role as the heroine – she was pretty good in Play It Again Sam, I think better than Mia in Danny Rose but at the end of the day, Danny Rose was better than Sam although they both have their merits. Save yourself from this, hey, fucking hell, Bette Midler looks just like Jo, my God I never saw it before, it’s like the long face and the large nose, startling, I guess if Bette put a load of holes in herself and kept on dying her hair red, she would look just like Jo! Yeah, yeah, anyway, in that one it’s terrible cause he starts off in a shell suit! A shell suit for fucks sake! This is the master, the greatest - in a fucking shell suit! But yea, it gets worse, it then turns out that he has a pony tail, a pathetic, like half inch of a pony tail, even worse than Clarkey’s, which is kind of hard to believe I know. But, yeah anyway, so the queen of the north has sort of come and blasted a heathen away from my lair, which was kind of nice of her because it’s not like I did her any favours or anything. I fell into you now I’m on my back, an insect decaying in your little trap and see what you’ve done to me, all I think about is you, you’re stuck in my mind, I can’t fucking get you out of it and all I want to do is to steer you into my direction, fuck, it’s not like anyone else is going to do that for me so, as usual, it’s up to me alone to solve the fucking problem, well, at least this time I come out of it well, if it works anyway – knowing my luck it won’t work out well but still, can’t fuck a man for trying, unless you really want to. My eyes are starting to close,

Shaun Oh shit! I gotta go, I’ve said too much, but I haven’t said enough.

Guy 1 You OK, mate?

Shaun Yeah, fine. I’m just on my way back to the Christopher Combossus, Columbus it don’t matter.

Guy 1 Right, whatever.

Shaun Hi Guys.

Mike Did you have a good night, Shaun?

Shaun Yeah, not bad. I’m a little tired though.

Rob What time did you get to bed?

Shaun Erm, about nine.

Alan Nine? Christ, after six I lost you, man. What the fuck were you doing?

Shaun Ah, yeah. Long story. Well first I walked down past the Royal Oak and I got something in my shoe, it was about seven o’clock now so there were a few people about. I sensed I had an audience….

Gennie You had an audience all fucking night.

Shaun Really?

Gennie Yeah, while you were dancing on the pool table, talking a load of shit – the whole hotel was watching you getting bollocked by the pool attendant, then you ran off.

Shaun Yeah, I ran off when the security guard came along. I jumped down a 20ft drop after that and really fucked myself up. My wrists are killing and my knees.

Mike Jeez, where was this.

Shaun Oh round the back of the hotel, off these garages. Anyway, yeah, I had this thing in my shoe so I took it off, got rid of the stone and balanced the shoe on the end of my foot, flicked up the shoe, it landed flat on the floor and I slipped my foot in it, taking a bow and going ta da. (Laughs – in fact there are laughs throughout this amusing story of errors) And then I noticed I had this fag left so I spotted this bird walking along and asked her for a light. She gave me one….

Rob But did you get a light….? (Sarcastic) Hardy ha

Shaun (Sarcy too) Ha ha. So I asked her what she was doing on her own at seven o’clock in the morning. She was just going for walk. I asked her if I could accompany her, she said yeah.

Alan Smoooth.

Shaun And we went for a massive walk right round up the beach and down Veronicas. It turns out she had booked a holiday with her boyfriend – they are staying at the Loco Nino too – but since then they have broken up but they both still came out here. All they do is argue so she was getting away from it all.

Maria Did you get off with her?

Shaun No, no – honest. I wouldn’t cheat on you, you know that.

Maria Like fuck I do.

Shaun Found out some good news though – Byron Stingley is playing Busby’s next week.

Maria That’s handy.

Rob (Sarcastic) Oh great.

Shaun We’re all up for it, I assume?

Tutti Aha.

Rob Oh well, I guess I haven’t got much of a choice.

Shaun Sorted, I’ll get on to Warren about it – he’ll probably have some deal going on it.

Mike Ah, ladies, I see you have a mobile too.

Nicky Yeah, we all have one. Well, except Helen that is.

Mike We’ll have to get your numbers.

Gennie It was another text message from Liza. It seems that her dog has had to have a heart transplant. Apparently it was something to do with a bitch in the park.

Clarkey Can our phones get text messages?

Alan Don’t see why not, they have to have letters on the buttons for some reason.

Puff ….. and my record company is just about getting off its feet, financially I mean. See, sister, we’ve put in a whole load of dollars into getting it started, signing up artists, cutting records, promotion and distribution. The revenue is starting to come in now and we can all sit back and chill. The TV channel is also pulling in my home boys and girls and the grocery stores are making me a whole load of dollars. I’m a happy man, I guess you could say.

Marge Do you have anything else in the pipeline.

Puff Well, apart from the new album that’s out, I think, in the UK on 23^rd September – you gotta check it out, yo, it’s got some fat beats y’all. Apart from that, I’m bringing out a new line of cosmetics for the modern man on the street. I call it Puff Perfumes, check it out ya’ll.

Marge Puff Perfumes?

Puff Straight up, biatch.

Marge Right. So you say you’ve signed up some artists to your record company. Could you tell us about some of these?

Puff I got this group of girls called SMF who have got that groove thing going if yo know wha I mean, sweet harmonies that’ll make you wanna get down to it. Also there’s an a capella group called Kidz Star who have a motown vibe happening.

Marge Is there an artist that you would like to have signed to your company.

Puff Well, yeah, ever since mah momma used to play her records down in the Bronx, I’ve always had huge respeck for Aretha Franklin. It’d be cool to have her on my label, G, check it out ya’ll.

Mike Fucker

Clarkey Hawaiian Tropic – Makes your parts brown. (Quickly, more quietly) Skin Cancer just a side effect.

Clarkey Fucker

Tutti Fucker

Mike This is starting to piss me off.

Alan Let’s get him, fucker.

Clarkey Ah, it’s a message from Gennie. Apparently the girls are on their way down.

Alan Here they are now.

Gennie Hello, did you get my message?

Mike Yeah, about three seconds ago.

Gennie Cool, just checking they work. Besides, we didn’t want to give you a shock if we suddenly appeared.

Mike Phew, the heart bypass has been narrowly avoided.

Nicky Where’s Shaun?

Alan Oh, him and Maria had a big fight. Something to do with the keys to the apartment – he wanted to get something from the supermarket…..

Clarkey Some cheese…..

Alan And she wanted to go to reception to get a postcard and so she wanted the keys to the room so that she, well…….

Mike Could get back in.

Alan There were a load of doors slammed and a load of shouting and a load of crying. In the end Rob told them to shut the fuck up - cause he was sleeping - and so they went for a walk to sort it out.

Nicky Likes his walks doesn’t he?

Mike We think that Maria’s really pissed because of that bird last night, the one he went for that other walk with. He swears nothing happened but I think she knows him too well.

Gennie Where did Shaun meet her, because she’s American isn’t she?

Clarkey Yeah she is. He met her back in hell.

Alan He means Wolverhampton. He’s been going out with her since before we started Uni in Reading. She moved there when she was a kid but she’s still got that awful accent.

Nicky They’re serious then?

Mike She probably is but I doubt he is.

Alan Shaun is very rarely serious.

Lisa Is he still asleep? [Kev]

Clarkey Yeah, I think he’s tired after last night.

Alan He slept very lightly last night.

Lisa Poor lamb, he must be exhausted.

Gennie Helen, you take that one, I’ll go get that spare sunbed over there.

Nicky Fucking perverts.

Clarkey Shit, I’ve lost reception. [With his mobile]

Alan Ha ha, I’ve got full reception.

Gennie And me.

Mike I haven’t got any either, just emergency calls only.

Lisa I’m on full.

Nicky For fuck’s sake, I’m out of reception too.

Mike Oh wait, mine’s come back. Thank god.

Clarkey Bollocks, mine’s still out. What network are you on?

Mike One to one.

Clarkey That’s what I’m on! Fucking useless, oh, wait, I’m back – yippee! My 85 numbers are back online. Life is again worth living.

Alan You’ve got 85 numbers? Who the hell have you got numbers for?

Clarkey Yours, Alex from Seisdon, Andy Latham, his mobile, Anna from Uni, Anna from Uni’s mobile, Aunty Sue’s mobile, Aunty Maggie………

Alan Yeah, we get the message……

Clarkey Bazza, Charlotte, Charlotte’s mobile……

Lisa I’ve got 112 numbers in mine.

Mike Great, but just don’t tell us about them.

Nicky Wahey! My reception’s come back on – bloody Orange. I’m gonna change to One to One, I reckon.

Lisa I wouldn’t bother, they’ll charge you a fucking fortune to change and they’re just as bad as Orange anyway.

Nicky Maybe it’s the phone then – yours is so cool because you’ve got games on it.

Gennie Yeah, so has mine. But snake is the only good one on there, the rest are pretty crap.

Clarkey then there’s Gennie’s, Huddersfield Uni, Kev, Kloda, Lisa’s……

Nicky Well snake is better than nothing, I mean, what am I supposed to do while I wait for a call?

Lisa You could send a text message.

Nicky Yeah, I guess so. But then I have to sit around waiting for a reply. I’ve got to have a new fucking phone. I need a new fucking phone. I’ll ask Daddy and see if I can get one out of him.

Mike You get your parents to pay for your bills?

Lisa Ah ha, why, do you pay for your own?

Mike Erm, yeah, good question. I think we do.

Lisa You’d better figure it out!

Alan No, we do. Well at least the rest of us do anyway. Mike gets dazed every time the mention of phone bill comes up.

Clarkey Rob’s home, Rob’s mobile, Rob from Uni, Rob Pickup, Shaun’s home, Shaun’s house, Shaun’s mobile…….

Alan So how come you haven’t got a mobile, Helen?

Alan Oh yeah, right, the mute thing.

Alan You could use it for text messages.

Alan Yeah, I suppose you could use email for cheaper.

Alan Write letters? Fuck that.

Gennie She likes writing, she writes erotic literature for J17 magazine.

Clarkey Victoria Wine, oh that should be Wine Rack now, Vicky Cooper and I think the last one is Warren’s, yeah, he gave me his mobile number in case we need him. There you are, 85 numbers.

Mike I counted 83.

Gennie Even though I have an Erikson I still think that Nokia is better – they have a better choice of rings.

Clarkey I’ve got a Nokia – 25 rings, it’s like a gift from God himself.

Rob Or the devil.

Clarkey This is the ring I have.

Rob Clarkey, if you play every single ring on that phone, I’ll shove it right up your ass.

Clarkey Chill, I’m only playing that one.

Gennie I’ve got the Charleston one, not that I had much choice.

Gennie (Singing along) Doo doo doo doo, doodle doodle doodle, doo doo doo doo

Rob Oh god, has it truly come to this?

Shaun Howdee East Orange!

Mike Hi there, Shaun. Have a good walk?

Maria Yeah, not bad. Oh yeah, since you all heard the argument, you may as well know that we’ve made up now.

Alan Christ Shaun, how did you manage that?

Shaun I told her the big toe story.

Rob The what?

Shaun The big toe story, about me and the taxi driver.

Rob Should we be hearing about this?

Shaun Ha ha, no nothing like that. I’m surprised I haven’t told you about this one. Anyway, I was in this taxi and I was telling the driver that having sex is getting boring now so I was gonna cut off my cock and sew it onto my big toe. Then I could fuck with my big toe. The driver sort of laughed about it first but then I said that I could just fuck ‘em with my big toe but I would sharpen the nail as much as I could so that it would cause more pain to the birds.

Rob That’s sick, man. But I like it.

Shaun In the end the driver dropped us off right at the top of our street. I think we freaked him out.

Alan You freaked him out, nothing to do with me.

Shaun Well, it’s my ambition to big toe a minger.

Maria Well you certainly aren’t gonna fuck me with your big toe.

Shaun You’re not a minger, though, are you?

Maria Ah, Shaun, you’re so sweet.

Shaun Yeah, I try. So what’s going on people – why aren’t we getting ready to go out? It is 11.

Clarkey We were kind of waiting for you.

Shaun Well, I’m here, let’s get going.

Maria Shaun, are you checking out the girls in here?

Shaun [Solely to Maria] No, I’m figuring out a way to get to Byron.

Maria Have you got a plan then?

Shaun Well, kind of – in order to get him to do something unbiblical, I have to……

Gennie Lisa just sent me a text message. Apparently she’s with Kev and they’re fine, having a good time in Escape.

Nicky He hasn’t woken up, has he?

Alan He’s probably sleepwalking.

Gennie By the sounds of things, he’ll soon be sleepfucking.

Alan Hey, Shaun! Get over here – Kev’s pulled!

Shaun Get lost! Who?

Alan Lisa.

Shaun Lisa? Who’s – ah, I get ya. Wow, nice one Kev. The guy can fucking pull in his sleep – there’s something I’ll have to learn. So who’s going to be the next couple? Alan?

Alan I don’t think so. I’m turning gay anyway.

Shaun You are? Cool, I’ve finally found a sleeping partner.

Alan I do like the mute one though.

Mike Helps reduce needless conversation.

Clarkey Looking deep in his heart, Papa Jack doesn’t like what he sees or the time on his hands.

Alan Yes, Clarkey. You haven’t been on the pills too have you?

Rob I think the sobriety is driving him mad.

Clarkey Wha? Are you talking about me? Look, it was only twice and I was pissed both times.

Shaun Jesus, it’s Kev. I didn’t even know he had a mobile.

Clarkey Yeah, he does. I’ve got his number. I’ve got 85 numbers.

Shaun He says he’s back at the flat and has nicked Alan’s bed. He says he’s set up a cushion mattress in the lounge for you.

Alan That means my fucking bed’s gonna be sticky until the cleaners come round.

Mike And that’s gonna be a while because we keep scaring them away by being in bed when they visit.

Alan Ugh. He should have the fucking mattress in the lounge. You four could have some kind of orgy.

Maria No thanks. But the offer’s open for you if you fancy a threesome.

Shaun We’ll make you feel welcome. [By the way, all this sexually liberated stuff is faux]

Shaun Tune

Scott Hello mate – fancy seeing you here.

Shaun Fuck a – hi Scott, good to see you. Small world, isn’t it.

Scott Can we have a chat, mate?

Shaun Yeah, sure.

Scott Well, two things, mate. First, take this

Scott Don’t ever fucking kill me again – right?

Shaun Yeah, sure, erm, sorry about that.

Scott Second thing is, I’ve got someone to meet you.

Alan [To Shaun] Er, Shaun, is that Sozz?

Shaun [To Alan] Yeah, looks a bit different doesn’t she?

Mel Ssssssshhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnn, you bastard, you fucking killed me!

Shaun Hi Mel, I like what you’ve done to your hair.

Mel (Melting (Not literally)) Yeah, my stylist in hell said that black would be a better look for me than blonde.

Shaun Did he also suggest the black robes?

Mel Aha, he said the tight clothes were doing nothing for me. He says that they just made me look flat so by wearing flowing robes – black of course – I could give the illusion that I was a bit more, erm, full bodied, I think that’s what he said – but that still doesn’t mean you’re off the hook for shooting me.

Gennie [To Clarkey] Who the hell’s that?

Clarkey [To Gennie] That’s Sozz. He’s been going out with her for ages.

Gennie [To Clarkey] What, behind Maria’s back?

Clarkey [To Gennie] Shaun’s very good at juggling.

Gennie [To Clarkey] Maybe, but how did he manage to continue two relationships at once?

Shaun Mel, I promise, I am sorry about it and I will make it up to you. I killed all these people too, y’know. Well, except the four girls.

Mel Oh, really? So which one of these is your hole this time?

Shaun I am seeing Maria at the moment.

Maria Hi.

Mel Oh, you’ve picked up an American slapper have you. Oi, yankee, he’s crap in bed y’know.

Maria No he isn’t.

Mel Ah, you’ve screwed her already. I might have known. You make me fucking sick.

Maria Oi, leave him alone. Just cause I’m screwing him now, don’t get jealous.

Mel Oh believe me, if I wanted him, I’d have him. He’ll fuck anything, you ought to have figured that out.

Maria Why, you little bitch.

Scott I see a spell in hell hasn’t changed you too much, mate.

Shaun No, I’m still The Horn. Well, actually, now I’m Bj0rn.

Scott Oh, I won’t ask [what that’s all about]. Look, I’m gonna go see what’s happened to Mel. I suggest you keep your head low when it comes to her. She’s mine now and she’s pretty pissed at you. I hope I catch you about, we need to discuss a few things – I have some gigs going if you’re interested.

Posh Guy 1 We were down at the yacht club and a chap of the most lowest breed entered into the bar and I turned to Sheila and I said to her, "My dear, is it simply me or does this place seem to let anyone in for an aperitif nowadays?" didn’t I?

Posh Bird 1 Yes, Charles.

Posh Guy 1 They’ll be letting in socialists the next time we blink.

Posh Guy 2 We’ll have to keep our eyes wide open, what ho?!?

Gentry Wha ha ha.

Posh Guy 3 A similar thing happened to me down at St Peter’s Fields. One of the jockeys was so incredibly uncouth. He thrashed his beast around the pitch like it was a rag and the trouble he gave to the referee – I wonder at how he kept from being thrown right out of the club.

Posh Guy 1 But when you meet people like this, there is no need to kick up a fuss – in fact, there is simply no point because they don’t realise that they are behaving wrongly, they were brought up that way and they know no other. When they happen to enter a place where they don’t belong, they soon realise it because they aren’t used to being treated with respect.

Posh Guy 3 That is true. In my Eton days, we used to steal out after evening meal and head to the public houses in the nearby village. One evening we decided to visit one of the more rough and ready inns, one of the gardeners had told us that this was his local. We were treated like complete plebs when we reached the bar. The barmaid said "What’ll it be," – no, "What may I get for you kind gents" or any pleases or thank yous. I tell you now, that was the last time we went to that place.

Posh Guy 2 I bet she’d never seen a £50 note, either.

Posh Guy 3 We knew better than to take £50 notes into that place!

Posh Bird 2 I say, Edward, did you see that?

Posh Guy 2 What was that dear?

Posh Bird 2 I protest that I did see a youth run across the lawn.

Posh Guy 2 Oh don’t be so silly, Jane. They know better than to come in here. [To Posh Guys] All this talk of commoners has got the poor goose seeing things.

Gentry Wha ha ha.

Posh Bird 2 Yes, Ed, you must be right.

Posh Guy 3 Aren’t these yachts just amazing. I tell you, this is the life – a delightful early afternoon drink, a fine barbecue and the stunning view of the river boats going out for the day.

Posh Guy 1 Not to mention the engaging company.

Posh Guy 3 Of course, not forgetting the company.

Youth Die, mother fuckers!!!!

Kloda Hi again, it’s me, Rabbi Marxiski. Well they’ve asked me to make a bit of a contribution again – I still don’t now why they keep hassling me but yadda yadda yadda I’m here anyway. As you may have guessed, they’ve let me out of jail – the worst freakin’ five days of my life, I can tell you. It’s been a few months now since that hardware store incident – the builders got their own shovel, like I said they ought to have, lord knows it would have solved a whole loada problems, but well, what can a guy say? Finally, the synagogue has got its foundations sorted out and it seems I have regained my respect from the other rabbis. As any rabbi will tell you, you cannot be any good at the job unless you have the support and respect of your peers. We can’t be expected to know every single rule in Judaism because, I tell you, there’s loads of them, so each rabbi has his own speciality. Mine was violence towards women but now Rabbi Leninski has that role – I’ve been demoted to extra-marital affairs. It’s an interesting subject all the same. I’m pretty sure that nothing much has happened to me since we last spoke, or at least since I last spoke but I was told a very poignant tale by a friend of mine, a lady friend of mine but don’t let that put you off. As I have to fill the next few minutes, I may as well tell you it. So it’s about this schmuck who worked on the streets, he sold out women to desperate men who passed by and took a large percentage of the takings. He must have had a good business mind to pull that one off – I’d like a job where all I had to do was stand in a doorway looking tough, but, well, I’ve chosen my vocation. Anyway, this shmuck had a girl called Mona who was apparently the most beautiful brunette on the game, thin as a rake with legs like butchers’ knives. Personally that wouldn’t appeal to me and not just because a scandal would be kicked up if I did go for her. A rabbi and a hooker? We leave that to the catholics. But yeah, I don’t see why people go for skinny women – I like a girl with a bit of meat on her – you know she can cook well. Still, it was well known that this chick made the most money of all the girls on the New York streets – and that’s a lot of girls, let me tell you. She was hooked up with some junkie and this annoyed the hell out of the pimp schmuck who had a thing for Mona - besides, it isn’t good for business if you have to rely on someone who has to look after a patient. But Mona stood fast, she knew that he needed her more than she needed him. She said, look, just accept that he’s about or go find some other slut to screw the ugly and rich. He wasn’t having any of it, he needed a reliable source of notes, like any guy would, but being a schmuck he didn’t figure the best way to get it. He figured that if more than one guy could have Mona at the same time, he would make twice or more times the money and the fact that she may not always be around wouldn’t really matter. So he slipped a sleeping pill into a bourbon for her and while she was asleep, chopped her up into four pieces – four Monas, he thought. Well, not even the most desperate of curb crawlers wanted to screw a quarter of Mona and the schmuck didn’t earn a cent from his venture. The fact that his moll had been chopped up for sex didn’t really please the junkie boyfriend either who vowed to sober up and get the schmuck shot down. But the junkie never did get dry and ended up ordering the assassination of some president in Texas. It cost him a freakin’ fortune too. I think there’s a lesson in there that we could all learn and I hope you’re glad I shared it with you. Anyway, too much yadda, I’ve got to be off now because I’ve got a diastole lecture. See you next time, if they want me.

Warren Well, I only come here to pull, y’know – and I tell you there’s about 20 girls for every lad, no shit. It’s the only reason I come here. Pick up a bird and take her home for a bit of a shag, y’know what I mean? You pay your 2500 pesatas – I mean that’s only like 8 quid and you wouldn’t think twice about paying that to get into a club back home would you? And the chances of pulling are much higher here as well, that’s all I come here for.

Shaun Yeah, mate, plenty of birds here – not quite 20 girls per lad though is it.

Warren Well, y’know, give or take a few. That’s all I come here for. Oh, I love women, I’m so glad I’m not gay, I couldn’t do without a good shag. (Pause) With a bird. Blokes shagging makes me feel sick, ew, it’s so disgusting. I’m so straight, I’m like a ruler.

Shaun OK, Warren. Well, I think we’re gonna get a drink now, so, see ya later.

Warren There’s a bar just by here.

Shaun No, mate. We always go to the one right over there. There’s a fit barmaid there, if you know what I mean, eh?

Warren I get ya, mate – hey, it’s all I come here for! Good luck and I’ll catch ya later.

Rob It’s a good job I haven’t got a gun tonight.

Clarkey I’d like to shoot Warren too.

Rob Well, yeah, I guess he wouldn’t be missed but I was thinking of that twat, Byron Stingley.

Mike [To us, the audience] Ah yes, because tonight is the night that Byron Stingley is on isn’t it?

Rob Yes Mike, that’s right. That’s why we’re here. Or at least, that’s why you’re here.

Nicky Where’s Kev tonight, Lisa?

Lisa Oh, he’s having a kip. He said he might come along later to see Byron. He sent me a text message while we were at Waikiki Beach saying he’s OK.

Clarkey You’ve got reception? I haven’t been able to get reception all night. See look at it now, I bet…. eh up! Someone’s nicked my fucking mobile – who the fuck….? Oh shit, now what the hell am I gonna do? There’s no point in telling the police about it cause they aren’t gonna give a shit and there’s no way of finding it anyway.

Gennie Could try ringing it.

Clarkey Good plan.

Gennie It’s ringing……. but no-one’s picking it up.

Clarkey Cunts. The world is full of fucking cunts. Oh why does life treat me this way, why does its endless drag force me to contemplate only the darkest thoughts of a man stricken by blood curdling grief. Why does cancerous lady luck torment and chide me as she dances her pretty routine whilst cursing me with her wand of misery and despair. That heartless whore knows only how to spread pain and loneliness to those who have nothing in their lives to live for as it is. She chuckles as the poor cry tears of blood over sheets of stained shame, she grins at how the low make do with the little they have got, struggling to make ends meet, struggling to find a reason to carry on. This world knows no remorse, this world rejects me, this world forsakes me, this world never gave me a chance, well this world’s gonna have to pay – you bastards!!! You have taken my very soul, you heartless bastards. Take my phone, take my very existence.

Gennie Andy, do you want a drink?

Clarkey No thanks, gut rot.

Shaun Grab him.

Shaun You’ll thank me in the morning.

Clarkey I’ll be chucking up all morning.

Shaun Well at least you won’t be thinking about your fucking mobile.

Scott Hello, mate.

Shaun Hi, Scott. Christ, stop creeping up on me like that, scared the living shit out of me.

Scott Sorry, mate. Hi there, Maria, how are you this very fine morning?

Maria Not bad – you?

Scott Listen, I had a word with Mel and I seem to have calmed her down. So, well, probably best if you two don’t mix too much, you know what I mean, mate.

Maria Yeah, thanks, erm, Scott.

Scott That’s no problem. How about a thank you kiss for Uncle Scott.

Maria Fuck off, you creep.

Scott Maria! I am hurt. Very hurt, you know. Next time I will know not to be so kind and generous. My, what is the world coming to when a man does a good deed and all he gets is a mouthful of abuse in return. I am truly hurt, Maria. I hope you are pleased with yourself.

Maria I’m sorry Scott. Here, I’ll give you a little peck.

Mel Hi Sheeoooorrrrrnnnnn.

Shaun Hi there, Sozz….. erm, Mel.

Mel Forgetting my name already? My god Shaun, you are pathetic. The months we spent together were all just a waste of time weren’t they? You didn’t care for me.

Shaun The sex was good though, you can’t deny that.

Mel Ha ha, yes, the sex was good. Shame it wasn’t the only sex you got though, Shaun.

Shaun Mel, I’m a red blooded male, I have my needs.

Mel Oh don’t give me that shit. You’re a bastard, Shaun – you always have been, you always will be. I don’t know why we all love you like we seem to do.

Shaun Well, you and Scott seem to very cosy nowadays – what’s going on there?

Mel I don’t know….. when I was back in hell, the devil summoned me up personally to his office, said I was being resurrected so I could help you or something – the next thing I know I wake up in bed next to Scott – in Tenerife of all places. Since then he’s been really nice to me, buying me all my drinks and stuff and, my god, he’s such a great shag. You wouldn’t believe it.

Shaun Each to her own.

Mel Shaun, he’s more a man than you’ll ever be.

Shaun You better watch you say – I’ve already killed you once.

Clarkey If I ever catch the son of a bitch who nicked my mobile phone, why, I’ll kill them and massacre their whole family.

DJ Far above the ocean, deep under the sea there’s a river running dry because of you and me – but that doesn’t matter because right now we have Mr Byron Stingley for your listening pleasure.

Byron Large it up, boyo!!! This one goes out for the Tenerife posse!!!

Rob What a wanker. I’m going off to the loo.

Alan Has anyone seen Kev? He said he’d be here by now.

Lisa I’ve been watching the entrance for ages – no sign of him. Should we give him a call?

Alan Yeah, better had, I’ll phone…. What the fuck? I don’t believe it, my phone’s been nicked now! My god, what is wrong with this bloody island. There must be some severe mobile shortage here. I guess the insurance will cover it. I dread to think who’s name it was under.

Lisa Why’s that?

Alan Erm, oh, well, it’s second hand and it’s been…. it’s been circulating the family for ages.

Lisa Is it worth phoning it?

Alan Yeah, why not, give it a go.

Lisa It’s ringing….. and it’s gone to voicemail.

Alan It’s gone to my message?

Lisa I don’t think so, it doesn’t sound like you. It says, "Hello, this was Alan’s number but unfortunately his phone’s been stolen and so he is uncontactable by this number. See ya."

Alan Do you recognise the voice?

Lisa No, it’s very muffled and distorted. Oh well, c’est la vie.

Alan C’etait ma vie.

Rob God, is he still on?

Byron (Falsetto) You are my world, my world, my world. (Cheers) Thank you, thank you, thank you, you’re a beautiful audience. (Cheers) That was a song by one of my favourite artists. Here’s another.

Shaun This is a true master at work, I am shadowed by his brilliance.

Rob He’s a wanker.

Scott Oi, mate, that approaches blasphemy.

Rob Get a grip – he’s just repeddling old material and putting house beats to it.

Shaun I know – what a genius. I’ve got to go speak to him. I’ll see you later. Maria, do you want to come with me to speak to Byron?

Maria What? Oh yeah, course, I’d love to come over and speak to Byron.

Scott Hey, Alan and Mike, I have a proposition for you. I’ve been speaking to some of the guys who own bars round here and a few of them have offered me DJing slots – are either of you interested?

Mike Which bars would these be?

Scott The Glaswegian is offering a good rate – free drinks all night. That’s kind of what I had planned for you two.

Alan Ah, well, Scott, we kind of came out here for a holiday and besides, we’re loaded, we don’t need a job.

Mike I do kind of miss DJing.

Alan Mike, he’s talking about The Glaswegian, you know, that place.

Mike Oh, right, I see. Yeah, sorry about that Scott, no can do.

Scott Well don’t say I didn’t try to help you out.

Mike It was nice of you, Scott.

Lisa Bloody hell! I just sent a text message to Kev and he sent one back saying that he’s staying in tonight cause he’s so tired after last night.

Gennie The man’s a wreck, dear. What did you do to him?

Lisa Oh, wouldn’t you like to know! I guess it doesn’t really matter, at least we have Byron to entertain us – I’ll probably go back with the lads and see how he is after anyway.

Shaun Now’s our chance. Why don’t you try and get his autograph. I know he looks like he prefers men’s arses, but try and chat him up – if you can get him to come away with you, more the better.

Maria Cool, just don’t expect me to fuck him, though.

Shaun I’d never let you fuck him, don’t worry about that. Although……. (ah ha, lightbulb) Maria.

Maria Yes, Shaun?

Shaun Maria, will you marry me?

Maria Are you serious?

Shaun Yes, Maria, deadly serious.

Maria Then yes, I’d love to marry you.

Shaun Amazing. I love you.

Shaun Maria, he’s finished, quick, go follow him. I’ll be right behind you.

Maria Byron, Byron! Can I have your autograph?

Byron Why sure, pretty lady. What would you like me to sign?

Maria Erm, my arm?

Byron Well, yeah, sure. [To his camaraderie] Oi, give me a fucking pen! [Back to Maria] Here we go. What’s your name, sweetheart?

Maria Maria.

Byron There you go, "To Maria, hope to meet up with you sometime. Yours, Byron." (Looks up) How about it?

Maria Oh, I don’t know.

Maria Although… why not? Where will you be tomorrow night?

Byron I’m glad you suggested that, I get a night off tomorrow. How about Clockwork Orange, about midnight?

Maria Yeah, that’d be cool.

Byron So, it’s not often I find a fellow compatriot on this godforsaken island. Are you here with anyone?

Maria Yeah there’s a few of us Yankee girls here.

Shaun Hey, Byron. Can I have your autograph?

Byron Sure. Say, Maria, midnight at Clockwork Orange, OK?

Maria See you there.

Byron So…..

Shaun Shaun.

Byron What would you like me to sign?

Shaun Erm……..

Gennie He was pretty good wasn’t he?

Alan Yeah, not bad, but when we saw him in Stafford he actually sang some of the songs that he had released.

Rob I’d probably prefer what he did tonight. If I just shut my eyes, I could pretend that there was a skinny, white, bald guy up there who jumped about a lot. It took me right back a decade.

Shaun Rob, he’s not exactly a carbon copy of Jimmy Somerville though, is he?

Rob Yeah! He’s like a Jimmy Somerville for the late nineties. He covers songs. Jimmy covered songs – better songs too, may I add. He sings like a girl. Jimmy sang like a girl. Jimmy was gay, Byron’s gay.

Shaun Ah, if Byron’s gay, then why is he meeting up with Maria tomorrow night?

Rob For a girly chat? C’mon, how did he sign your hairdresser’s card?

Shaun He wrote, "Hi Shaun, nice ass for a white guy. Love Byron."

Rob Do I need to go on?

Shaun OK so they have lots of things in common, but they’re totally different.

Rob Whatever.

Shaun Shit! I almost forgot! Guys, Maria and I have some news. We are getting married tomorrow afternoon.

Mike Oh my God - jeez, that was a bit quick wasn’t it?

Maria Well, it seems like the right thing to do. After all, we did travel halfway across hell to find each other.

Nicky Ah, that’s so romantic.

Rob Makes me feel kinda warm inside.

Clarkey Makes me think that maybe the world isn’t so shit after all. Oh God! I’m gonna be sick.

Gennie Well I think it’s great. Everyone, raise a toast to Shaun and Maria.

Tutti Shaun and Maria.

Alan So where’s it all going to happen?

Shaun Well, there’s a registry office up on the hill – hopefully they’ll be able to fit us in.

Alan Shaun, are you drunk?

Shaun No, not at all.

Alan This is your fucking stag night, mate. Let’s go find a bar.

Mike It’s six o clock in the morning!

Alan There’s bound to be something open. If nothing else, we’ll empty out every can machine on the island. Girls – get her pissed too, eh!

Gennie Will do, see ya later.

Marge Hi there James.

James Hi, nice day isn’t it. Not a cloud in the sky, the birds are singing, everything is fine.

Marge It is a lovely day.

James On the surface all is idyllic but that’s just a plot by the government. In reality everything is desolate, everything is grey, the undernourished are crying, the workers are revolting and the innocent are being tortured and killed. They have given us a lovely day so that we may forget all the terrible things that are happening in the world.

Marge Bastards all.

James And what are we doing here? We’re talking about the weather - something must be done.

Marge You brought up the weather, not me.

James Did I heck! I came here to tell the world that we’re all screwed. We’re all screwed unless we get up off our fat arses and stop them screwing us – it’ll take everyone to stand up against this pathetically pointless government and show them that we will not be screwed any longer.

Marge Yes, James. So tell me, what are you and the band up to now?

James Well at the moment we’re trying to educate the masses by playing at every single festival in the country – yes, even Creamfields but we’ll be disguising ourselves as Underworld. We’ll flash up slogans on the back of the stage to hypnotise the mindless ravers and instead of chanting ‘lager lager lager’ we’ll get them chanting ‘Lenin Lenin Lenin.’ And when we have done every festival in the UK, we’ll move on to Europe and then America and then the world! Ha ha ha.

Marge So you will eventually turn the world socialist?

James Margarita, you and I know it’s the only way forward.

Marge Shall we go back to the beginning? What inspired you and your three friends to form a politically aware rock band?

James Well, I think it was inevitable that we were going to be politically aware because we grew up during the time of the miner’s strike and the air in Blackwood was so politically charged that we simply couldn’t get away from it. As for why we used music to tell our story, well I always remember sitting with my mother in Forest Street and amidst all the chanting, I was calmed by the dulcet tones of Aretha Franklin who could get us away from it all for a short time until my father came home, scathing at all the crap he’d had to put up with.

Youth When I see the dead and I see the dreaming I think back to my days in the Spanish navy when all you could see were warty seamen and buxom parlour maids squawking repeated phrases until only the most idle of persons wouldn’t be able to comprehend. What ho! Used to scream from my bathroom as she would clean herself up, wash the salt from her delicate nails before she cooked our meals, so sweetly, so warmly. My heart was with her and I knew I had her heart wherever I went, whatever I did. When she made my fire before bed, when she fuelled it whilst I slept, when she cooked my breakfast on it as I dreamt, I knew I had found someone I would never want to leave. As she sung folk songs whilst she went about her cabinwork, my thoughts of the sea were far away, I felt like I was in a warm cottage somewhere in Cumbria. I was never really disappointed when I looked out of the window to see acres of water, no grass before me because I had the most beautiful view I could imagine, here, inside my room. I would have devoted my life to her - I did, before she died.

Shaun So why do all comedy films end at an airport?

Alan All comedy films?

Shaun Well most – especially romantic comedies.

Clarkey Well, most of the time they end at airports because the heroine is about to fly off across the Atlantic. Even though it is still physically possible for the hero to get on the next flight we still get the impression that if she gets on that plane then that is the end of their romance. An airport is like the baddy in a comedy film, the nemesis. If she gets on that plane, the story ends.

Rob There is nothing as romantic as sacrificing a pre-paid flight for love.

Clarkey Exactly.

Mike You know, even when we’re smashed, we’re so insightful.

Shaun Ain’t no mistakin’. (Starts chewing) My friend assures me, it’s all or nothing but still I am not worried, I am not overly concerned. But someone left the pantry light on again, (Shouting) say, friend! Could you turn off that light for me, please, come on, it’s like the third time I’ve had to remind you – a joke’s a joke.

Mike Did anyone see him get a pill?

Rest Nope.

Alan He must have taken one though – look at him.

Shaun People are putting words into my mouth again, why does this always happen to me? Do I deserve this, do I deserve to have someone telling me what to say – I am my own man – I am not a number!!! Getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries are you? Well forget it, I am immune from all of this. So we had things in common, you know, us two, but still, we are still completely different and so it’ll never happen. Oh, I wish it could, but some things you just have to accept. Ha! Another wasted 30 months, I know I’ll get another. The more you give your love and the more you give your trust, well, the more you’re bound to lose. It takes me too long to figure out some things but it’s better to realise than to be thick. Ah, he drives me so mad, he’s just so stupid, no logic, no common sense – I really don’t comprehend how he has managed to survive so long without stopping, dead, in the street and just thought, I’ve got to sort this out. I’m a wreck, what am I gonna be like when I leave? Well, I suppose there’s no use worrying about such things, it’s not, it’s not like I’m the one with the problem – quite the contrary - so I ought to just leave it be.

Rob What on earth is he babbling on about?

Clarkey I don’t know. Sounds like nonsense to me.

Rob I wouldn’t say that……

Clarkey Why not?

Alan Lads, he’s gone quiet.

Mike Oh my God, look at him.

Alan It might be an idea to, erm, pick him up? Before he fucks himself up proper.

Shaun [To Alan] My head is fucking killing, man.

Alan [To Shaun] Then you shouldn’t have had a pill then.

Shaun I didn’t have a pill though – we never went anywhere near The Glaswegian, did we?

Alan Well, no, but you were certainly acting like you had a pill.

Shaun I felt like I’d had a pill. I feel like I’m still on a pill for fuck’s sake.

Alan You must have got one while you were drunk.

Shaun I tell you, I did not buy a pill. Someone must have slipped me a Mickey Finn.

Alan D’you reckon?

Shaun I do reckon. It’s not like we had that many drinks anyway, it couldn’t have been that.

Mike (Taps Shaun on the shoulder) You were chewing like a madman again.

Shaun You ain’t kidding. Half of my fucking cheek’s gone missing.

Mike You were spitting it out all over the pavement.

Clarkey At least you didn’t do any stunts this time.

Shaun No, I remember getting back to the apartment and then it went black.

Alan Yeah, I knocked you out.

Shaun What, again? You’ve got a habit of doing that.

Alan What d’you mean?

Shaun Last time I went a bit out of control you smacked me out.

Alan Well, you were planning to jump out of a 9 storey window.

Shaun True, thanks mate. Christ, where’s Maria?

Shaun Ah, good timing.

Girl 14 OK, here’s the book. I’m guessing you’re the bride [Maria] and you’re the groom. [Shaun] Sign away your life when you’re ready, ha ha.

Girl 14 You can give her a kiss now, if you want.

Shaun OK, go on then, if you insist.

Tutti Yippee!! (They cheer)

Shaun What the….? (He takes a peek at the incoming message) Ah, thanks, Gen.

Gennie Have fun!

Shaun Yeah, see you by the pool later.

Tutti Bye!

Mike Well, who’d have thought of it, eh? Shaun getting married!

Clarkey Yeah, I wonder how long that’s gonna last.

Alan Oh, it won’t be long until he’s off with some other bimbo.

Rob Why, Alan, that’s so cynical of you. Shaun cheating on his new wife? I wouldn’t believe it.

Mike He hasn’t cheated on her yet, y’know.

Alan That’s true. Maybe meeting Maria has changed him.

Mike Maybe.

Rob Bullshit.

Clarkey Hey, Alan, have you heard any news about your mobile?

Alan Nah, mate, I can’t see anything happening about that either. And there’s no way of getting a new one because we haven’t got a bank account. Being officially dead and all that.

Rob How come Shaun is the only one with an account anyway?

Mike Good question.

Alan I guess we’ll just have to accept it as one of those things.

Clarkey It’s been so hard living without my mobile. The only way I’ve been able to stop agonising over it and getting all frustrated and fidgety it is to chew gum.

Rob Shame they don’t make patches for it.

Nicky I don’t think I could live without my…. Holy shit! Where the fuck has it gone? Someone’s nicked my fucking mobile now!

Girl 21 Hello ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls! Oh dear, I’m not in a great mood today, I’ve been having a few problems with my girlfriend. But do you know what cheers me up every time I feel blue? I sing a song! I like to sing with a lot of people though and I reckon you lot have great singing voices. Would you like to sing my favourite song with me? Ah, that’s so nice of you.

Girl 21 This is my favourite song in the whole world. It’s called "Lesbian Lament."

Girl 21 Ah, thank you so much. I feel much better now.

Shaun It’s probably best if you play along with him – like pretend as if you’re completely dazzled by him, like he’s a long lost love or something. If he comes on to you, you flirt back to him.

Maria Shaun, it’s my wedding night, I’m not going to flirt with someone else on my wedding night.

Shaun But we have to know what he’s up to, we’ve got to find out his weakness so we can exploit it. To do this we’ve got to keep him interested and that’s why you’ve got to flirt with him. Of course, if he does come on too strong, then just ease off. Hopefully, we can spend the night together afterwards.

Maria You’re damn right we will. Get ready for the ride of your life, baby.

Shaun Better than Nemesis?

Maria Better than the Black Hole.

Shaun You’re such a tramp….. but I like ya!

Byron Hello, darling. C’mon, sit down, how are you, honey?

Maria I’m doing good, how about you?

Byron I feel like a flower in bloom.

Maria What? Ready for pollination?

Byron Oh, Mary…..

Maria Maria.

Byron A thousand pardons my sweet, Maria. You do so make me laugh, ever since we met. Tell me, how’s your arm?

Maria I haven’t washed it – see?

Byron Wow, that’s wonderful. But say, you better take a shower soon, you’re starting to smell.

Maria Excuse me?

Byron I’m joking, my dear, just pulling your leg. Honestly, you smell like the sweetest rose ever grown. Is it YSL?

Maria Yeah, my, you do have a great nose.

Byron I like to think so. You do look lovely, tonight, Maria. Like a fuchsia on a summer lawn.

Maria You don’t look so bad yourself – nice suit.

Byron Versace has never yet failed me. Look at these cuffs, they go so well with the shirt. The guy in the shop also said that they matched my eyes.

Maria Yeah, they do.

Byron Thank you for saying. Only when you confirm it do I really feel confident in my apparel. So where in the States are you from?

Maria I was born in Omaha.

Byron Oh yes, somewhere in Middle America. Nebraska, unless I’m mistaken.

Maria You know your geography as well. Although I was born there, I was raised up throughout the States - my father was in the air force. How about you?

Byron I’m straight from the streets of Brooklyn, NYC.

Maria Oh yeah – did you have a rough upbringing?

Byron My family struggled, I can’t deny that, but they gave me the best upbringing I could hope for.

Maria How did you get into singing?

Byron Well, I started off by singing along to my mother’s records. She had a load of Aretha Franklin LPs which I sang along to, I guess that’s why I ended up with such a high voice.

Maria Didn’t they mock you on the streets?

Byron I was subtle, they never heard me practise – just Aretha. Oh my, please excuse my unforgivable rudeness – I am so astounded by your beauty that I haven’t even bought you a drink. What will you have?

Maria A red bull and vodka, please.

Byron Coming up. [Over his shoulder] Yo, barman, could you bring me a red bull and vodka? Thanks, kind sir. [To Maria] Nice choice, you’ll get two now and it’s for only 600 Pesetas - it’s a bargain. I love this island.

Maria Thank you.

Byron That’s OK, you can get the next round…… I’m kidding. Sorry, you’ll have to excuse my sense of humour – I got it from spending too long on that other island.

Maria Where, Britain?

Byron Yeah, England. Spend too long there and you just sweep up their ways. I reckon I’m getting quite an accent.

Maria You think? You spend a lot of time there, then?

Byron Yeah, as dreary a place as it is, the club culture is the best in the world and so I do a lot of touring round the country.

Maria Singing live?

Byron Well, between you and me, I actually just dance along to a backing track. But it works well because I’m a great lip syncher so no-one knows any different. The punters get to see me, they get to hear my record, I get to save my voice, I get piles of money and the promoters make a shedload. Everyone’s happy, sorted.

Maria Don’t you feel guilty? Don’t you feel like you’re cheating the people who have paid a lot of money to hear you – live?

Byron No, not really. I’ve had no complaints so as far as I know, the audience don’t actually realise that I’m not singing. The mike is switched on in-between songs so that I can say a few words.

Maria Well, I’m not convinced.

Byron Oh, dear don’t fret about it. Believe me, I would never cheat you – in any way.

Maria So what have you been up to today?

Byron I must admit, after last night I was very tired so I slept in far longer than I planned to. I woke up at about midday, ate some breakfast and then I did a bit of painting.

Maria You paint?

Byron A little – I’m not very good but I believe it is a productive and calming way to spend your free time. If I do get a day off from recording or meetings, I generally go to the countryside and paint a little. If you walk to the top of a hill on this island and turn away from the coast, the views you can see are very beautiful and so inspiring. It’s different on Ibiza - you have to go way out from the towns to see anything resembling beauty. I try to spend as little time in that place as possible.

Maria I must admit, I’ve never been to Ibiza. I’ve heard it’s very good though.

Byron Depends what you’re after. If you’re a hardcore clubbing freak – and freak is the word – Ibiza is a great place but if you want a bit of a laugh, then Tenerife is better.

Maria Well, I’m certainly not a hardcore clubber. In fact I wasn’t even a clubber before I came here.

Byron Oh, right. So what do you do here, during the days?

Maria Oh, very little. I usually don’t get up until about 3 o’clock because there isn’t anything to do apart from laze about by the hotel pool. That gets a little tedious after about a week of doing it every day. We do that until about 7, then drink a few drinks in the apartment, watch a bit of TV, watch people come and go out of the apartment block and after we’ve got ready we eventually come down to Veronicas at about midnight.

Byron I’m pretty much the same – unless I’m doing something like painting or writing a bit of poetry, I get incredibly bored, just waiting for the night to come.

Maria You’re a poet as well as a painter?

Byron Well, I wouldn’t say that but I dabble in both. "We have fallen in the dreams the ever-living breathe on the tarnished mirror of the world, and then smooth out with ivory hands and sigh."

Maria That’s Yeats isn’t it?

Byron Indeed it is, my sweet. You’ve read well.

Maria And I’ve heard it said a hundred times maybe less, maybe more. We are actually doing something faintly interesting tomorrow afternoon. We’re going karting.

Byron You’ll enjoy that, it’s great fun.

Maria Well, why don’t you come with us? My friends would love to meet you. We’ve met up with this group of lads that are coming with us too – should be a laugh.

Byron I just might do that, my schedule is free until tomorrow night’s gig.

Maria Great!

Byron Oh, Maria, I wish this night would never end. I have had such an amazing time with you here tonight. Unfortunately, all things move towards their end and I’m getting a little tired. Would you like to come back with me to my apartment?

Maria Oh, I’m not sure about that, the girls may be waiting for me.

Byron Maria, I have never met a girl as wonderful as you – I’ve never been able to look into someone’s eyes as I am looking into yours now and see a world of delight, a world of peace, a world of desire, a world that knows no pain, a world with a soul as deep as this world’s deepest oceans. Maria, I fell in love with you as soon as I turned round and saw your heavenly face last night. I looked into your eyes and I could see into your heart, I could see the future, a future in which we were together in some magical land, running across meadows with not a care in the world. I knew last night that I wanted to be with you until the end of time, until death do us part and no sooner. Maria, I beg you, please come home with me tonight or you will shatter my heart – a heart that is devoted solely to you.

Byron Will you come home with me?

Maria I would love to.

Teri Catherine De Barra, you’ve murdered my thinking. I gave you my heart, you left the thing stinking. I’d break from your spell, if it weren’t for my drinking and the wind bites more bitter with each light of morning. I envy the road, the ground you tread under, I envy the wind, your hair riding over, I envy the pillow your head rests and slumbers, I envy to murderous envy your lover. ‘til the light shines on me, I damn to hell every second you breath. Oh my Catherine for your eyes smiling and your mouth singing, with time I’d have won you, with wile I’d have won you, for your mouth singing.

Girl 26 I would have left these red hills long ago if not for my condition. Something just seems to be keeping me here and I’m not entirely sure what it is. I don’t even know if I want to know what it is because perhaps if I knew what it was, I would be able to leave. I’m not sure whether that would be a good thing for anyone. Ever since I lost my child to the hand of God I felt that my very soul was doomed to a lifetime of agony and frustration. I don’t understand why because I grew up a good, faithful, honest girl and followed the bible as closely as any mortal possibly could. What did they want from me, I was so perfect that people started to resent me – I didn’t know why they did this because I was only following a simple rule book but when they ganged up against me I thought it was because I had done something wrong, I had gone against His word. The crowds drew up and grabbed me, punched me, kicked me and dumped my unconscious body in a muddy quarry. I lay there for days, punishing myself for whatever I had done, scratching at my arms, scratching at my legs, at my chest, at my face, searching through my mind at what I could have possibly done – why had I been destined for this – why had fate decided this should happen to me. Was this an act of the devil? That couldn’t be because God was superior, good always triumphs over evil, God always triumphs over the Devil yet I was still aching and bleeding away, covered in bloody mud and incredible pain. I conceded that it must have been my fault and so got up from my nest and climbed out of the quarry, my dress soiled. I returned home and locked myself inside it, took off my dress and hand washed it, scrubbing away the clumps of mud and stains of blood. I hung it outside from a window to let it dry and studied my bible to find out what I had done wrong. When my dress was dry I put it back on, unlocked my door and went out into the world again with a limp. As I walked the best I could along the streets of my town, children threw rocks at me, bruising my body. I didn’t cry, I couldn’t show them that they were smashing me up inside as they were outside. My body could always heal but my soul couldn’t. Maybe someone could explain to me what it was that I was doing wrong so that I could repent and become one of them again. I went into the local store and tried to purchase some groceries but my money was no good for that man, the same in the haberdashery, the same in the pharmacy. When I walked past the charity shop, they locked the door and scowled down at me. When the rocks finally stopped thudding into my body, I stumbled through the park where the homeless felt pity for me. I sat down next to one young boy who looked almost as destitute as I did. I looked him up and down and saw tears in his eyes, the same tears that I had cried whilst I sat in my home, washing my dress. In his eyes I could see years of desperation, pain and hunger. How could I compare my recent troubles with his lifetime of torture? I then looked across and saw men many times his age, ragged and worn but with the same desperate eyes. How could I possibly expect sympathy from a town that had no sympathy for these people that have endured a lifetime of hell when I had only experienced a week? I thought that maybe these men would have an explanation though – I trusted these men’s judgement more than the rest of the townfolk put together. I asked the young child, "Why don’t you throw stones at me like the others." The young boy replied "I was talking to some children in the town and I was hoping you could give me some of the drugs that you gave to them."

Shaun [Voice of] So much for our fucking wedding night – where the fuck have you been?

Alan Uh Oh. Trouble in paradise.

Maria [Voice of] I’m sorry, Shaun. Byron kept buying me drinks and when we said goodbye, I went for a walk to sober up and got completely lost. I ended up in the middle of nowhere. I found a bench and when I woke up I came straight over here.

Shaun It’s four o’clock in the fucking afternoon – what was he feeding you – petrol?

Maria No, but I was really drunk. I’ve got a really bad headache.

Shaun I don’t buy it. I think you’re bullshitting me.

Maria No, honest, Shaun, that’s what happened.

Shaun Bollocks – you fucked him, didn’t you?

Maria No, no Shaun, I didn’t.

Shaun You went back to his apartment and he screwed the living shit out of you, you tramp.

Maria God’s truth, Shaun, I said goodbye to him outside Veronicas. I didn’t see him after that.

Shaun Maria, I saw you leave with him.

Maria Did you see us walk back to his apartment? Did you see me go in with him? Did you see us fuck, Shaun, did you watch me screw him?

Shaun I didn’t have to, you were all over him as you left.

Maria I was flirting with him, Shaun, like you said I should.

Shaun I always thought flirting involved a small element of subtlety. You were practically sucking him off.

Maria That’s crap, Shaun, and you know it.

Shaun Explain the kiss then – you can’t deny that.

Maria It was a goodbye kiss, that’s all.

Shaun Yet you said goodbye outside Veronicas. Get your fucking story straight before you start lying to me, bitch.

Maria (Crying) Shaun, please believe me, I didn’t have sex with him. I kissed him, yeah, I admit it, but how else was I supposed to get him to come to the karting track today?

Shaun (Suddenly calmed) Ha ha, perfect.

Maria See? See what I did? I had to kiss him to see him again otherwise he wouldn’t be interested.

Shaun (Smugly) Now that he’s fucked you, or coveted his neighbour’s wife, to put it another way, all I have to do is kill him and my mission is complete. (Menacing laugh) Wha ha ha ha.

Maria You bastard! You wanted me to fuck him. That’s why you didn’t stop me going off with him. There’s just one small detail you’re missing, I did not screw him!

Shaun Whatever, darlin’, look, it’s getting a bit tiresome now so give it a rest, eh, there’s a good whore.

Shaun [No longer just voice of] Boys! We are halfway on the road to immortality. Has anyone got a beer for me?

Shaun Cheers, mate.

Alan So, have you and Maria split up already?

Shaun Yup, little whore couldn’t keep her legs together for one night.

Mike Christ, that was a quick relationship, even for you.

Shaun Well, they come, I go. Not always in that order, if you know what I mean, wha ha ha.

Mike Aren’t you bothered about it? I thought you quite liked her – after all, you were married.

Shaun Why should I be bothered? She did what I expected her to, she completed half of the mission.

Rob What mission? Is this the one for Satan?

Shaun Ah ha.

Rob Well, what did you have to do, what’s the second half of the mission?

Shaun Ah, alas I can’t tell you that in case it screws up. I don’t want to look like a fool, y’see.

Rob Is it something to do with Byron Stingley?

Shaun What? No… nothing to do with him. Well, not entirely. Let’s just say, he has helped my cause too.

Maria Shaun, I’m leaving you. I’m going off to see someone who truly loves me.

Shaun OK, just make sure he comes karting.

Maria I’ve told you before – oh fuck it, fuck you! I assure you, Byron will be coming karting –do what you fucking like to him.

Rob Now, don’t try and tell me that Byron has nothing to do with the business – what’s going on, Shaun?

Shaun OK, Byron does have a major role in my plot but I can’t say anymore, in case it screws up.

Clarkey That’s a shit excuse.

Shaun Live with it. Say, has anyone’s mobile gone missing since Nicky’s?

Alan Yeah, Gennie’s has. It got stolen some time last night.

Shaun I thought so, she hasn’t sent me anything in ages. So who’s still got theirs?

Mike Me, you, Lisa, Kev and Rob.

Rob No, I threw mine away when I got it.

Clarkey You bastard – you could have given me yours.

Rob Oh well. It’s not like you’d have anyone to call anyway, the way things have gone.

Clarkey But, still.

Gennie Hello, everyone. We are so unhappy.

Alan Why, what’s happened?

Nicky Not only have all of our mobiles now been stolen but we just remembered that we’re going home tonight.

Clarkey What, Lisa, your phone’s been stolen too?

Lisa (Amongst tears) Yes, I’m lost, I’m a wreck, I’m a destitute, I’m half the man I used to be.

Mike Eh?

Lisa Oh, erm, nothing.

Alan I can’t believe you’re going so soon, it only seems like we’ve known you for a couple of days.

Rob We have only known them for a couple of days.

Gennie That’s probably why it only seems like we’ve known you a couple of days.

Alan But can you still come go-karting?

Gennie Of course, we wouldn’t miss kicking your asses for the world.

Nicky Shaun, where’s Maria? Did you have a good wedding night?

Shaun Oh, we split up. She’s been fucking Byron Stingley.

Nicky Oh, right. [Penny drops] Ah, right, I see, that is a shame.

Lisa Nicky, calm down, he must be very distraught. He’s just lost his wife.

Shaun Yeah, I am a little at pains. I think I need a walk to clear my head. Would you like to come with me, Nicky?

Shaun See you later, lads.

Alan Make sure you’re back for 4, that’s when the minibus picks us up.

Byron So where’s Maria? Why hasn’t she come yet?

Gennie Oh she left Shaun after last night. You know how it is…. I doubt we’ll see her again.

Byron Shaun? Who’s he?

Gennie That’s her husband.

Nicky Ex-husband now. He’s my boyfriend now.

Byron Oh, that’s nice. Well, I may as well stick around even though Maria won’t be coming. After all, I have paid for the kart already.

Lisa That’s cool. So, Byron, will you be releasing another record soon?

Byron Probably not, I have done enough to live quite happily for the rest of my life.

Gennie I thought you only released about three singles.

Byron Yeah, about that. It’s a good life, eh? I might get them to release a greatest hits album, just in case I lose all my money on the horses or something.

Gennie I thought you only released about three singles.

Byron Yeah, but there’s b-sides on them too.

Rob I bet they were all remixes.

Byron That’s it, I’ll put out a remix album, you are a genius!

Rob I try.

Byron [To Shaun] I recognise you! You came to get my autograph the other night.

Shaun That much is true. I was with my girlfriend, I believe you met.

Byron Yes, she was a very nice girl. But I thought she was your wife.

Shaun She was a tramp. But never mind - [To Nicky] sometimes you win, [To Byron] sometimes you lose.

Byron Have you still got that card?

Shaun I accidentally went for a swim in the shorts I put them in. It came out a soggy pulp of homoerotic hopelessness.

Byron Erm, oh well. I can do you another one if you want?

Shaun No, erm, no need thanks.

Alan We ought to figure out the order that we race in.

Shaun I’d like to go next to Byron, somewhere in the middle of the grid.

Gennie And I think that we four defenceless, innocent and naïve girls should be at the front.

Alan That’s cool – the rest of us can go at the back because we’ve done it before.

Rob I haven’t.

Clarkey I haven’t either, except when I was about four.

Mike Nor me.

Alan Oh well, I’ll go at the back ‘cause I’ve done it before. You three go wherever.

Shaun Right, now that’s sorted, drink up so that I can kick all your asses.

Lisa I think not.

Model 1 Holes, dug by little moles, angry jealous spies

Model 2 Got telephones for eyes, come to you as friends

Model 3 All those endless ends, that can’t be tied

Model 4 Oh they make me laugh

Model 5 And they make me cry

Model 6 ‘Til they drop like flies and sink like polished stones

Models 7-14 Of all the stones I throw, how does that old song go, how does that old song go….

Marge Hi there, Ben.

Ben Hi.

Marge So, what’s going on in your life at the moment?

Ben Things have got kind of crazy, y’know? We’ve just got our third album proper out there and it seems to have done quite well and we’re, like, real pleased with it, y’know?

Marge Are you going to be touring soon?

Ben Yeah, sure, at the moment we’re about halfway through the European leg of the tour, y’know, we’ve been to, like, Norway, Sweden, Scandinavia, Holland and now we’re in the UK. We’re taking a bit of a break for a few days to do interviews and, like, take a bit of a rest until we play some shows across the country, y’know?

Marge So tell us about some of the history of the band…. When did you guys meet?

Ben We first met about 8 years ago – we all kind of went to the same, like, party, we got talking and we formed a band. It was pretty simple really – we did a load of shows and eventually made an album. It didn’t do too bad so we made another one.

Marge What inspired you to not use guitars in your songs but rather replace them with a piano.

Ben It all started when I heard that Aretha Franklin track, Respect which didn’t have any guitars on it but a load of pianos hooked up to play the guitar part. We, like, just copied that.

Marge Is that right?

Ben Nah, I just made it up. We didn’t have a guitar player and I could play piano. That’s why.

Teri I can’t believe that it went so bad, I mean, what did they want from me? I have the qualifications, I have the experience – I was the perfect person for that job. I was polite, I was charming, I was intelligent, I was funny, I was enthusiastic, I was really confident that I had that job – there was nothing else they could have possibly asked for. But, oh no, "Unfortunately Miss Talbot, we have already found a candidate to fill the place of this job." Well they could have told me that before I traipsed all across town to get here. "But we will keep your name in our files, we were very impressed" – yeah, will they heck keep me in mind. If they were so damn impressed they could have found me another job to do, easily. And for one of the first times in my life, I was eloquent, I got my point across completely and coherently. It was one of the few times where I actually felt like I couldn’t have done any better. I couldn’t pick out anything that would have gone against human habit, the questions were pretty tame and my answers were perfect. Now I’ll have to go for another painstaking interview and go through it all again, be treated like an imbecile, all but laughed at yet told what an excellent candidate I am and that it’s just a shame that they’ve found someone better than I am. What could this person possibly have that I hadn’t? Was he funnier? More intelligent? I can guarantee that it was one of two things – either it was definitely a man or it was a woman who looked better in a power suit. Better legs – it wouldn’t surprise me if she opened them for those lifeless corpses in there, grey haired chauvinistic fools that they were. Maybe if I had the time or the money I could go down to the gym but I simply haven’t. Besides, I’m not fat. Flat maybe, but I’m not fat. I suppose there’s always room for improvement but why should I? Why should I need to be the most attractive to get a job? Why does she who has the darkest tan always get further on in life. This world is pathetic, vile and corrupt yet we all put up with it. How pathetic we all are. How vile and corrupt we all are.

Mike I don’t believe it, my mobile’s been stolen now! This island is a fucking joke!

Alan Well, we are at the airport so I suppose this is going to be the most obvious place it could have happened.

Mike But how many mobiles do the criminals round here need? They’ve managed to nick six of them from us. Does everyone’s phone get nicked?

Gennie Well you can always get them back – I mean what do you pay your insurance for?

Shaun I don’t think any of us took out insurance because we couldn’t afford it.

Gennie Oh dear. That’s gonna cost you then.

Alan It’s gonna cost far more than we can afford so I guess we’ll have to make do with the two we’ve got.

Lisa Well one of those is pretty useless as Kev’s got it. I can’t believe that son of a bitch didn’t even turn up to say goodbye to us. I barely managed to get a see ya out of him in the apartment.

Clarkey He’s spent 97% of this holiday asleep and I missed the rest.

Lisa Tell me about it – luckily I caught some of the time he was actually awake.

Shaun He’s had a hard year though, he always planned to chill over this holiday.

Lisa What sort of an excuse is that? Holidays are supposed to be for having fun, getting pissed, getting a tan.

Alan He probably had fun. I know he did when he was awake.

Lisa Yeah, it was fun.

Nicky [To Shaun] If you’d been asleep all holiday, I certainly wouldn’t have bothered with you.

Shaun Despite my great looks and boyish charms?

Nicky OK, maybe not, but I’d still be rather annoyed.

Lisa I have the patience of Job.

Gennie You’re a fucking saint.

Tony Could flight BA-3524 make way to Gate 32 for boarding, please. This is the last call.

Lisa That’s us.

Gennie Oh well, this is it, the end of the line. Make sure you write, OK?

Clarkey I guess we’ve got no choice. If I ever catch the bastard who nicked my phone I’ll string him up, chop his balls off and shove them down his mouth. I loved playing snakes, my text messages have left me, I’ve no way of getting in contact with all the people on the book. All 85 of them.

Mike 83.

Gennie Excuse me, we are about to leave your lives.

Shaun Yeah, c’mon lads, get over it.

Clarkey It’s alright for you!

Alan Shut up! [To RTBs] We’re really gonna miss you, you know.

Gennie We hope so. I suppose we’ll miss you lot a little bit too.

Tutti Bye, love you etc. etc.

Satan Hello again, dears. I was feeling quite left out there, there has been no wind of me since way at the start and god knows that seems like a long time ago. However, you will soon find out that I have been cropping up slightly more often than you previously thought. I’m full of surprises, me. You just wait. Well hasn’t this been fun – I know I haven’t had the best view in the house, from way down here but I have this crystal ball type arrangement, it’s pretty neat. There’s this pool of some special water, don’t ask me what’s in it, I only bought it, but yeah, I can see all around the world in this pool of water, like a mirror. Except it’s not laterally inverted, which is always a bonus. Anyway, let me get on with it.

Shelley [Voice of] Yes, sir.

Satan Hi there, can you bring in the lads for me?

Shelley [Voice of] Yes, sir.

Satan Howdee guys. Did you have a nice time back in the land of the living?

Shaun Yes, thank you, why’ve you brought us back?

Satan I’ve got you here to congratulate you….. for being the biggest bunch of idiots I’ve ever met!

Shaun What?

Satan I give you a simple mission to do and what happens? You fuck it up, that’s what!!! You bunch of losers, look at you, you’re a disgrace to my kingdom.

Shaun But I killed Byron for you.

Satan Correct.

Shaun And we got him to do something bad.

Satan Oh yeah? What was that exactly?

Shaun He screwed my wife, Maria. Even one of the ten commandments says you can’t do that.

Satan That would be OK if he had actually screwed your wife but, you see, he didn’t.

Shaun I saw them go off together.

Satan What she told you was true, well, sort of. She did say goodbye to Byron Stingley outside Veronicas but she never saw him again. She didn’t, however, get lost and wind up drunk in the middle of nowhere. She met someone else who she did screw.

Shaun Who?

Satan Ah, now that’s the fun part.

Shelley [Voice of] Yes, sir.

Satan I’m ready for the girls now.

Shaun She’s here?

Shelley [Voice of] Yes, sir.

Satan Lads, meet my ladies.

M&M Hi Shaun…..

Shaun What? What’s going on?

Satan Well, after you lost sight of Maria and she left Byron, she ran into little ole me. Well, let’s say she ran into me - again. I used my charms on her and before long she fell completely in love with me. I took her back to my special Tenerife love pad where she met Mel again and after they had sorted out their differences, well, we all made love together – and have done ever since. It’s a good life being the irresistible Prince of Darkness.

Shaun Wouldn’t you have been a little obvious running around the streets of Tenerife?

Satan Ah yes, I had a cunning disguise. You see, with my great powers, I’m also able to possess people, which is always a bit of a laugh. I have a little thing over there that you might recognise. Maria, if you’d be so kind.

Satan It wasn’t as easy to pull in that thing as it could have been but I still have my magnet personality working for me. I tell you though, if I’d been born gay, I’d have had the time of my life.

Shaun You’re such a prick.

Satan I haven’t done anything that you wouldn’t have done.

Shaun Huh, you’re probably right there. But why have you brought all these up with me?

Satan You fail, they fail. You failed them, mate. I guess you could say that you’ve killed them again.

Lads You bastard.

Shaun Well, how about Rob, he got into heaven when he died.

Satan Ah yes, Rob’s been a naughty boy while he was in Tenerife.

Rob It’s true.

Satan Shall I tell them, or you?

Rob Well, I assume ya’ll noticed that the mobile phones we were so graciously given started going missing. Well, it was I, myself, in my neverending toil to rid the world of mobile phones.

Clarkey You complete and utter bastard, I’m gonna kill you.

Rob You can’t, I’m already dead.

Clarkey OK, well, just let it be known that I’m not happy with you at all.

Alan Is Kev still in Tenerfife?

Satan Yeah, he was asleep all the time. He wasn’t conscious enough to do anything bad.

Shaun What about sloth?

Satan Oh yeah, good point. I think it’s safe to say that you just lost another friend there. Hey, ladies, come over here and show me love.

Satan So, ladies and gents, I believe that that’s the end of this play, I don’t think that there’s any unfinished business to sort out. Needless to say, I’ll be showing these guys a good time down here for eternity where they will serve my servants deep down in the fire pits. So what is the moral to this story? Well, there probably isn’t one but if you really can’t bear going to the theatre and not be spiritually enhanced remember that you may as well be as evil as possible in life because at the end of the day, those guys at the gate are bound to pick up something that you did that was a little naughty earlier on in your life - you were sick over the babysitter or something. Although, you could try listening to Blind Melon and try to get on their good side. Aside from that, go in peace and serve your lord…… me!