Cover Note (Excuses)
Hi there, I thought that before I start this play I had better clear a few things up. For a start, why I wrote this play and then a few disclaimers which really ought to be mentioned.
OK, so why did I write this crap. Well, I wrote most of it at work because a)I have a computer and b)I have nothing better to do there. The original premise of the play was definitely the work of Shaun Southall and Alan Kerslake - I don't know who thought up what but that's who I heard it from. That said, the events and conclusion to the story were completely written by my good self although a good deal of the early dialogue is based on actual conversations that Shaun and I have had.
The play is supposed to be more of a screenplay really, although I kind of gave up on camera directions for the most part and used the stage manager role as a kind of over detailed narrator. Also, as I never ever hope to see this play filmed there seemed little point in going on about it. I wrote certain camera directions simply because that's how I imagined it in my bonce.
Yes, most of the characters are based on real people but that said, I barely know some of them and others I have never met. Therefore, many of the characters do not speak or act like their protégé. This is most apparent with Alan because his character is sort of a demon offspring between myself and him. Sorry Alan, but you talk like a twat in this! The dialogue is supposed to be fully open to interpretation and improvisation so don't crack on to me about how a lot of it sounds like a novel or is obviously scripted.
I never pretend that this play is any good. It is crap. It was always supposed to be crap. For fucks sake, I wrote it in about a fortnight! There is a lot of swearing in it, mostly for effect and sometimes for a cheap laugh. If you compare this to my masterwork, The Madness of Mad Monk III, this is scum, this is sewer folk but then that was what I was looking for. But don't get me wrong, I like it. It does get slightly more interesting towards the middle but the beginning is almost like a diary for me, so I like it even if it has limited advantages to the uninitiated reader.
That paragraph was mainly for my mother who is bound to find this and read it because she is nosy like that.
I think that's kind of all I wanted to say. Oh, I better say thankyou to whoever I get to print this out for me.... who shall I choose?!?
Cheers,
Roberto Ricardo
You've Got Voicemail
or
Paper Tidy Recycling Point
by Roberto Ricardo
Cast
Alan Student at Reading, friend of Shaun's
Clarkey Stud. at Huddersfield, friend of Shaun's
Courtney Stud. at Reading, friend of Shaun's
Kloda Stud. at E. Anglia. friend of Shaun's
Mike Stud. at Reading, friend of Shaun's
Rob A God, friend of Shaun's
Announcer An announcer on a train
Bouncer 1 A bouncer at a night club
Bouncer 2 As above
Emma Stud. at Reading, Shaun's Girlfriend
Jez 1 Stud. at Reading, Shaun's Girlfriend
Mel Stud. at Reading, Shaun's Girlfriend
Mike's Girl Stud. at Reading, I think
Jack A movie star
The Offspring A rock band
Old Jew An old Jew
Punter A clubbing freak
Roberto Me
Scott Manager of L.S.D. - some DJ 'company.'
Shaun Stud. at Reading, friend of Shaun's
Act One
Scene One
Hi there. I'm Rob, I'll be your stage director. I'm pretty good at it, only having done it once before and that went OK, I guess. Anyway, first scene is set in 1943 in Germany. We're in some city street, people running about everywhere, lots of shouting - you know the type of thing. Camera focuses on an elderly guy - a monotypical Jewish chap.
Old Jew Everyone seems to be after me. It must be the beard.
Scene Two
Now we're in a park. There's a bench in shot, a tramp is bundled up, looking vacant. Sitting next to him is a certain Andrew Clarke, also looking considerably vacant.
Clarkey Mah momma was a good lady - she used to tell me [shrieking] "Go tidy your fucking room now!!! And switch off that noise too, I'm trying to feed the dog here." [Cease the shriek] Well, I did switch off tha music.
Scene Three
I think it's time we started this film proper now, eh? Well, it's pretty mundane really, we got Shaun and Alan chatting in some familiar surroundings somewhere- a pub or a bedroom. Shaun and Alan are University chums, very much alike in appearance and nature. Alan has a cockney accent whereas Shaun has some weird shit spawn of cockney and Black Country. I think they ought to be drinking so have a few empty cans/glasses strewn about the place. Camera pans room of pub/bedroom scanning details - posters, ash trays, whatever. We can hear Alan and Shaun's conversation but it's a short while before we see them proper. (Get on with it!!!)
Alan [Laughing] ha ha, with her? I didn't think she had it in her.
Shaun She may be a stuck up cow but when it comes down to it, she is just as common as me.
Alan Whose idea was it? Not hers, surely.
Shaun Ah ha, 'twas. It was her time of the month, y'know, and, errr, she suggested that we ought to do it that way.
Alan Ha ha, nice one mah son.
Shaun Sozz
Alan Sozz sozz, sozz sozz sozz. She had a big enough arse for it though- bet it wasn't too tight.
Shaun She sure didn't like it- I tell you, we never fucking did it that way again- which was a shame.
Alan Cause you didn't have to see her face that way.
Shaun Ah. Crap shag anyway.
Alan God knows why you spent so long with her. Rough girl, man.
Shaun One simple reason- season ticket.
Alan Nice
Shaun Plus the holidays and everything else. I got her money, she got me- I think she ripped me off.
Alan Well at least your standards have gone up now. Not by much, mind.
Shaun Sozz off- quantity not quality, man. 44 in one year ain't bad.
Alan Yeah but half of them were minging.
Shaun I'd say about 23% were poor. Nah, maybe 30%. Besides, your standards are stupidly high.
Alan Hey, I have pride.
Shaun Ginny
Alan Fuck you. Better than Holmes.
Shaun Doubtful. Hannah was pretty fit though, you can't deny that.
Alan Who?
Shaun Bird at The Vine.
Alan Oh yeah- I'll give you that one. So who is it now?
Shaun Just the three- [names have been changed to protect the, ahem, innocent] Emma, Mel and Jez.
Alan Which one- Jez 1 or Jez 2?
Shaun Oh, Jez 2. [could I be more unsubtle] Jez 1 is being banged up the arse in a dirty alley by a gang of illegal Nigerian immigrants.
Alan Haven't heard much of Jez 2 either lately.
Shaun Yeah, well she's pretty much out of the picture. Mel has been pressuring me to get rid of Emma.
Alan She knows about the others?
Shaun Just Emma.
Alan That was the virgin, huh?
Shaun Yeah.
Alan You bastard, man.
Shaun Well if you're gonna lose it to anyone, best lose it to the Horn.
Alan [Chris Roots voice] The UK's No.1 DJ
Shaun [Taking lead, CR too] It's DJ Majik (sp?) and The Horn on Junction 11 Radio in Reading. Catch us at RUSU on Saturday nights, playing the best in Cheese and Speed Garage.
Alan [Not CR] And cheesy speed garage.
Shaun Cathedral city. Yeah, so I'll probably get rid of Emma.
Alan You're not going to stick to one, are you? The Horn being faithful.
Shaun Sozz. There is Narima.
Alan No way. You'll never shag her.
Shaun I know she's a challenge but I will pull anyone.
Alan As proved. So you like Mel?
Shaun I guess- she's a great shag.
Alan But you two are always arguing.
Shaun No, it seems OK at the minute. We haven't argued in over a week.
Alan But what about next week?
Shaun We'll see.
Mobile Phone goes off - Brittany Spears, 'Baby When The Lights Go Out' (Cheese)
Shaun Dramatic Irony not seen since Macbeth.
Alan It's Mel?
Shaun It's Mel. [To phone] Hallo, this is The Horn.
Scene Four
Camera has shot of battery, solely. Playing is The Door's 'Crystal Ship'. "Before you slip into unconsciousness, I'd like to have another kiss, another flashing chance of bliss, another kiss."
Scene Five
A club- cheesy in nature. All male members of the cast are here as well as those not playing Mel or Emma. Some pumping Speed Garage Mwamp Mwamp music is playing. Des lads are a drinking.
Shaun I'm gonna pull a Jiggaboo (sp?) this year.
Howls of laughter. OK, the odd snigger anyway.
Rob I have never seen a fit paki.
Clarkey Naomi Campbell
Rob Fucking foul.
Shaun That one out of Bad Boys.
Rob The one who gets shot?
Shaun Nah, the other one. The one who goes on the run.
Rob Was she a paki?
Shaun I don't know. But I will find a fit ethnic.
Alan What happened to the Greek thing?
Shaun Oh I'm always looking out for a Greek bird. Never forget your roots.
Mike The only Greek thing I'd eat is a kebab. Greek girls are dirty.
Shaun Nah, that's just the tan. A nice dark girl, that's what I like.
Rob With blonde hair.
Clarkey I like red hair.
Shaun I don't always go for blondes. About 60% of the birds have been brunette.
Rob Bullshit.
Shaun Near enough.
"C C C C C Can you feel it? Na na na na na na...."
Rob Oh fuck
Everyone gets up and dances to the excruciatingly familiar strains of 5ive's inexplicable hit, 'Got the Feeling.' Rob stands at the side in protest, swigging bitter. Three minutes later and Rob is now willing to join in as 5ive have temporarily fucked off. The music is still pretty cheesy. Girl walks past Shaun and whispers something banal in his ear. He answers her trivial icebreaker and it ain't long before they go off. Let a couple of others pull too- the rest go back to the bar to get pissed a bit more, drinking away their crushing solitude and rejection by the opposite sex one more time. Oooops, I lost myself there.
Blank screen suggesting the passing of time for it's now time to leave.
Alan So who was she?
Shaun Claire apparently. From Bristol.
Alan So what was she doing up here.
Shaun Oh, came up to visit her boyfriend at university.
Clarkey How old was she?
Shaun She said 22 but I reckon more like 19.
Clarkey Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch Yoooooooooooooooooouth
Rob eh?
Clarkey Umm, I only go for the older woman.
Shaun Shame they all look about 16.
Rob With big arses.
Clarkey I like a bit of weight on a girl. Something to hold on to.
Shaun I guess the smaller girls easily slip through the fingers.
Alan Coooooooooooooooooooper
People laugh
Clarkey [at Rob] You can shut up.
Shaun He only made the mistake once.
Clarkey I only got off with her twice....
Shaun Bollocks.
Clarkey ....And I was very, very drunk both times.
Kloda [Yes, he is here too, he's just been very quiet] Diamond White.
Clarkey Fuck you.
Alan Let's go eat some Greek.
Clarkey [to himself/Shaun/Rob] I only had her twice....
Scene Six
Camera shot of mobile. It's showing missed calls. Mel's name is up there. In the foreground (sonically) we have Marilyn Manson's 'Beautiful People' playing. No other reason, I just like it. So fucking there. "Beautiful people, beautiful people, It's all relative to the size of your steeple" etc.
Scene Seven
We're in a bedroom. Mel and Shaun are in bed, obviously just having fucked.
Mel It was so unfair. I'd been walking around the shops for ages looking for that dress
Camera turns to dress on floor and back up again.
Mel and then I get to the bus stop just to see the damn thing driving off. I had to wait 15 minutes before another one came.
Shaun That's terrible
Mel [Oblivious to sarcasm] I know.
Shaun The things you have to go through.
Mel And Daddy's told me not to spend as much now. It's been a bad year for the pigs, he says.
Shaun Well I still eat pork sausages.
Mel That's why I love you.
Shaun Oh, and I thought it was because I was stunningly fit and can make you cum in 87 seconds.
Mel Yeah, that too, tee hee
She gives him a kiss which, thanks to Shaun, gets pretty passionate.
Mel Ummm, I like. So, what shall we do today?
Shaun [Looking at camera, cheekily] Sozz hon, I've got to go to lectures today.
Mel But you never go to lectures.
Shaun That's why I've got to go today. I've had tonnes of emails off my bastard tutor.
Mel Oh go on, spend the day in bed with me.
She does something under the covers which seems to please Shaun.
Shaun No look, I've got to go in today. I'm in enough shit as it is.
Mel Spoily sport.
Mel starts kissing Shaun's chest
Shaun OK, one more shag but I will have to go after that. You know how I hate being late.
Camera pans off
Shaun Open them a bit wider, babe.
Mel Yes, horny.
Scene Eight
It's that phone again. This time the missed call is from Emma. The music is something equally irrelevant (...or is it?), it being Jewel's 'Pieces of You' - "She's a pretty girl, do you call her a bitch. She's a pretty girl, Has she slept with your whole town?"
Scene Nine
Int that nice, Shaun and Emma are taking a nice stroll in the park. Reminds me of that time when, oh so many years ago, when I took that girl in the bushes and we... never mind, back to the story.
Shaun It's like that scene in Donnie Brasco when Al Pacino is watching wildlife films- it's just before he meets Johnny Depp for the first time.
Emma Johnny Depp is in it too?
Shaun Yeah.
Emma I like him.
Shaun Fuck off then, you can have him.
Emma Hey, but you're no match for him. You're hair is much better.
Shaun Sozz. Anyway, yeah, it's ironic because he's about to- it's just before he gets initiated into the family.
Emma What? Christened?
Shaun No, you know, the gangster family.
Emma Oh, I see. So it's saying that the gangster rituals are animalistic.
Shaun Indeed. My, you are clever Rob Emma.
Emma Some say I am a genius.
Shaun I can see why. But he wouldn't get that. He's be just, oh, Al Pacino likes wildlife films.
Emma What a twat.
Shaun Glad to see I've converted you without you even meeting him. But you gotta love him. He's like a rabid puppy.
Emma Fuck off then, you can have him.
They laugh and - why not - have a little hug. Christ, makes you wanna hurl, doesn't it?
Emma Listen, Horn. I wanna talk about something.
Shaun Yup, what?
Emma Well, you know that last week was my, ummmm, first time.
Shaun Yeah.
Emma Well, I know that it wasn't your first time.
Shaun Damn right, he he [that was a cunning laugh btw, a la Marvin]
Emma And I was wondering, compared to your millions of other girls - they all being incredibly good looking and fantastic in bed because you're so handsome and studly that you only attract the best yet you have strangely decided to choose me, I who is not worthy of you because I am so inexperienced - compared to the other girls, was I good enough for you?
Shaun You were a damn good screw, my dear.
Emma The screaming and blood didn't put you off?
Shaun Nah, I like cutting the starting ribbon, as it were.
Emma You're so romantic.
Shaun That's why they call me The Horn. Ah, here's your flat. Let's get some coffee.
£10 says they fuck.
Scene Ten
Kloda Hi [waving]
Act Two
It's a fortnight later. If director felt it was necessary to add a highly lengthy and explicit sex scene or two to the film then that should be done after Kloda said hi. I don't really want to go into much detail except a few pointers ought to be kept to.
i] When a man loves a female very much he enters his penis into the lady's vagina. The man plants his seed in the woman's egg and in nine months a baby is born. That's if things really fucked up.
ii] Both parties should be fully naked BUT the male's penis should not be in shot.
iii] No kinky wax scenes must be involved. Remember Body of Evidence? *shudder*
iv] Orgasm must be announced in German.
v] If you're gonna do it, do it proper - let's see some muff.
Scene One
OK, Scene One. It's that fucking mobile again. 'Venus in Furs' by the Velvet Underground is playing - "Shiny, shiny, Shiny boots of leather." This time the mobile tells us of a missed call from a certain Scott Lewis. D'you see what I'm doing here? It's quite clever, isn't it?
Scene Two
Right, we're in the Union Bar. Nothing more, nothing less. Shaun is chatting to the aforementioned Scott.
Scott Awright mate. Two things. First, I need you to DJ for me tomorrow night at Legends. [Poor CR voice] Chris Roots is playing at Yates' in Slough [halt CR voice] so you'll take his place. Pleeeeease be there at 7:30 so you can help me set up. Don't worry, you'll get a fiver as it's short notice. Second thing is, I need a Reef. Be a good lad and get Uncle Scott a Reef, mate.
Shaun Where's your beard?
Scott GET ME THE FUCKING REEF, MATE. I OWN YOU, YOUR LIFE IS MINE HA HA HA!!!
Shaun Reef coming up.
Shaun goes to the bar. Scott on his own.
Scott All I want is to be loved. Why won't they accept me into their group?
Shaun comes back, Reef in hand.
Scott Sorry about the outburst, mate, but things have been a bit stressful today. I've got 26 gigs to organise tonight as well as a meeting with a mate to open a Swiss Bank Account. But you know me, I have to exert my authority now and again just so you shits know who really is the boss, mate. I OWN YOUR LIVES, YOU WILL NEVER LEAVE READING BUT DJ FOR ME FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES. [Takes swig of Reef] Oooops, it happened again. Sorry, mate.
Scott fucks off, about time.
Shaun Wanker
In comes Alan
Alan Hi mate. Littlejohn gone yet?
Shaun Yeah, back to the fish markets, I guess.
Alan So, who did you fuck last night? What happened with that old woman?
Shaun Old? She wasn't old, only 25. I fucked her.
Alan Where?
Shaun Mouth once, cunt twice.
Alan Sozz.
Shaun She was staying at the Novotel. I went back there and banged her brains.....
Alan Ha.
Shaun And laid her there.
Alan Not a student then.
Shaun I told you all this last night. She was on some business trip here. She's a salesgirl or something.
Alan I was rat arsed last night. Besides, I've got to let the audience know what happened.
Shaun True - no, she was good. the bed was very comfy.
Alan Hey, did you have to buy a Reef for Scott?
Shaun Yeah- but he gave me the money for it.
Alan You didn't get one for yourself though, did you?
Shaun God no- it's only ten o'clock in the morning. I don't even know what I'm doing up yet.
Alan Good. You know how you can get.
Shaun I can handle it. He's got me DJing tomorrow.
Alan There's no such thing as bad work if money's involved.
Shaun The bitch who has to clean my sheets has it pretty bad.
Chuckle
Alan Oh well, I hear the playstation calling.
Scene Three
At Legends later that night. Fairly average bar, fairly average DJ (ha ha, just kidding)
Dexter ....and all the girlies say I'm Pretty Fly
Girls For a white guy.
Noodles [guitar]
Girls Give it to be baby
Shaun [High pitched piggy squeal, on da mike] Ah ha Ah ha
Scott [On da mike] Hello Bulmersche! And welcome to Legends. Your DJs tonite are The Horn and yours truly, Mr. DJ Mot (has he got a stage name, I can't remember). Tonite we are gonna do something a little extra special [no-one is listening now]. Tonite we need your help. [no response] We want you to tell us your best chat up lines and whether they worked or not!!! [no response] We will be reading them out between records so those of you with a secret to hide - keep an eye on your mates!! [no response] [to Shaun] Oh play the fucking CD.
Shaun puts on CD
Shaun [muttering] I knew that wouldn't work
Scott Oh you're so fucking clever Mr. fucking hotshot. You've only been here fucking 8 months and you already think you know everything. Well don't you forget who's the fucking boss around here- I fucking am. Shit, get me a fucking Reef, mate.
Shaun goes to get the Reef as record ends.
Scott [On da mike] We have our first chat up line already. It's from Dutch Mike
Mike [From crowd] Hey, fuck off! I never sent in anything.
Scott [To Mike] Oi, remember who pays you, mate. [On da Mike] Ahem, yeah.,Mike says that he walked up to a girl at RUSU last Saturday.....
Mike's Girl You did what?!?
Scott ....and used this chat up line - Grab your coat love, you've pulled. Nice one, Mike, straight to the point. Unfortunately she told him to [Said slowly, cheesy stylee] fffffuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkkkk off.
Mike's Girl [To Mike] You bastard.
Scott And now here's the Venga Boys.
Shaun comes back with the Reef
Scott Nice one, mate. [Swigs] Woah, that hit the spot. You can take over if you like.
And so he does.... time passes / black screen
Shaun [On da Mike] And now it's time to slow things down a little with this classic track.
'Unbreak My Heart' comes on. The crowd couples off and a girlie goes up to the DJ area and Shaun dances with her. Shaun notices Mel noticing him across the room. He carries on.
And so endeth the night - enter Bouncers
Bouncer 1 Can you drink up please lads and make your way to the exits.
Bouncer 2 Your name's not down, you're not coming in.
Punter Eh?
Bouncer 2 Ummmm, this isn't the place to be carrying around pints of beer.
Punter You what?
Bouncer 2 Oh just drink up and piss off.
Shaun is busy packing away with Scott. Mel comes over all pissed (in both senses). The lads look on, amused.
Mel So who was she?
Shaun Oh, no-one. I didn't know you were gonna be here. I didn't see you all night.
Mel I did tell you.
Shaun When?
Mel While you were getting ready to go to lectures, Uni. Boy.
Shaun Oh, right. [Was that a pin I hear dropping?] Oh yeah, yeah, I remember. I only danced with her because she begged- begging is so unladylike. Besides, you didn't come up to dance with me.
Mel Well, I don't plan to be crawling on my knees for you ever again.
Shaun You know you'll come crawling back.
Mel Fuck you!
Shaun Tomorrow night you will.
Mel Arrogant prick. I hope I never see you again.
She storms off
Shaun I need a drink.
Scott I'll pack up the rest.
It's all packed up save one CD box
Shaun Gee thanks, mate.
Scott Here, [Hands Shaun note] get us a Reef too, mate.
Shaun goes to bar and comes back with two Reef bottles. He gives one to Scott. Alan comes over.
Alan Shaun, are you sure you should be having that?
Shaun I haven't had a drink all night. Well, except those beers. Besides, I'm parched.
Alan Well don't say I didn't warn you - remember, Scott has had a lot more experience with Reef than you have.
Shaun Chill man, just one bottle.
He starts to devour the bottle and joins the lads.
Mike So Shaun, no pull tonight then?
Shaun Yeah, I know- I must be losing my touch. [Starts to smirk] Ha ha, as if. There was no talent here tonight, man [to Mike's Girl] No offence.
Alan Mel was here. [Meaning, she was here, why didn't you have her?]
Shaun Screw her.
Alan Tomorrow night.
Shaun That's what I said. No, we had a little argument.
Mike What, again?
Shaun Yeah, well, I'm better off without her. So, what we gonna do now?
Alan Hmmm, I wander - food?
Shaun Let's go eat some Greek.
Roberto That joke's wearing thin now.
Shaun Sorry
Scene Four
Even later on, all back to Sibly.
Shaun Colin Lee ought to be sacked. Get rid of him, he's great. I don't know how we survived without him but he was a lot worse then Alan McGhee- he was a great coach but he didn't know how to train the team at all, I don't know how we put with him for so long. Lee is great for motivating the players but the team just seems to have no commitment, they just can't be arsed. Lee is shite. Fire him, quick.
Alan I know, I've, like, said that so so so so many times and I agree with, like, everything you..... say, mate.
Mike Can I have a Reef, mate.
Shaun [CR voice] This is Chris Roots, Djing here tonight at RUSU before I go to River Island to get me some silk boxer shorts. Don't forget, I'll be at Yates' in Slough this Friday night.
Alan Let's page Dave.
Shaun I know, I'll tell her what to say. [Dials up mobile] Hi.... Yeah put, This is San Jose.... yes, with a J.... San Jose Littlejohn in Madeiros... no, with an r, as in Glenn [To lads] daft bitch [To bitch] No, not you..... So that's This is San Jose Littlejohn in Madeiros. Bring home a crate of china for my nephew's Bah mitzvah..... Yes, that's it..... No, thank you.
Mike I had something better than that.
Alan Oh well, too late now.
Shaun No, come on. Let's hear it, let's hear this hilarious message.
Alan It's OK now- what's done is done.
Shaun I wanna hear it so I can laugh. I wanna laugh. C'mon tell me your funny message.
Alan Shaun, it doesn't matter- your message was fine.
Alan and Mike look nervously at each other.
Shaun What's the matter? Wasn't it that funny?
Mike Well, not really, not now. The moment is passed.
Shaun [Getting quite agitated] Oh right, the moment's passed, has it? Well let's try and recreate the moment, shall we, so that Mike can leave a message for Dave? What were we talking about?
Nervous silence
Shaun [Shouting] What the fuck were we talking about?
Mike Football.
Shaun [Calmer] Well there's a fucking shock.
Alan You were talking about Wolves' managers.
Shaun [Shouting] Wolves? Fuck wolves. They've done nothing for me. Nothing at all except given me shit. They've been bollocks for the last ten years and worse before that. Wolves can kiss my ass because I've fucking had enough of them.
Alan Shall we page Dave?
Mike Yes, that is a good idea. Let's page Dave.
Shaun [Calmer] Don't fucking patronise me, mate.
Mike Oh come on Shaun, calm down.
Shaun Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you all! I've fucking had enough of this shit, man. I can't fucking take it.
Shaun starts running around the room yelling fuck! shit! bollocks! He picks things up and throws them furiously to the floor - cans, bottles, glasses, deodorant cans, CDs, chairs, anything he sees.
Alan [To Mike] This happens every time he has a damn Reef. I told him not too.
Mike I've never seen him like this. Let's get out of here.
Alan Just outside. We can't go in case he does something he will regret.
They sneak out the room, leaving door open. They stand so they can see inside the room but at a distance.
Mike So why does he have the Reef if he knows it does this to him?
Alan But he doesn't know he's doing this. He'll wake up tomorrow with a massive hangover and not remember anything. It used to be the same with Scott but on a much grander scale.
Mike But Scott drinks Reef all the time. He gets pissed off but nothing we can't handle.
Alan Scott used to drink Reef so much - and still does - that he no longer shows the effects that Shaun does. Shaun very rarely drinks Reef, mainly because I tell him not to, but the occasions when he does, he usually gets like this. Often worse.
Mike So what do we have to watch him for.
Alan Jumping out the window.
Mike No - Shaun, kill himself? I don't think so.
Alan He won't do it on purpose. He is so blind to what he is doing that he doesn't know the glass is there. Christ, he doesn't even know there's a window there. Everything he sees he wants to break.
Mike Fucking hell. I'm staying away from Reef.
Alan If Shaun carries on like this, there'll come a time when he has to drink Reef so as not to turn into this.
Mike Like Scott. When he gets pissed off he always gets one of us to buy him a Reef and then he calms down. I see now, it all makes sense. Is his Reef addiction why Scott behaves so... so, queerly?
Alan No, that's because he's a raging homo.
Mike I see. Look! Shaun's running at the window.
Alan Fuck!
They run into the room and drag Shaun away from the window, just in time. They have him held down.
Mike So what do we do now?
Alan Unfortunately there is only one thing we can do.
Alan whacks Shaun in the face, knocking him cold.
Alan That was a lot easier with two people. You'll have to come round more often.
Black out
Next Morning
Shaun Oh my God, what happened...... my head is absolutely killing me. And I'm talking to myself, I must be going completely mad. Shit, what happened to the room - it must have been wild.... I guess she's taking a shower. I don't remember any bird at Legends though - I hope she wasn't a dog, I'll never hear the last of it if she was but then, why is my head hurting so much? Even when I get hangovers they don't come this bad.... [goes to mirror] .... and where'd I get this fucking bruise from? What did I do with her? Sod this, I'm going back to bed. [Does so, then notices mobile, for which he reaches] Christ, I've got like 7 new messages. Why won't they leave me alone for once, let a guy breathe. Oh well, let's see [Brrrring brrrring] Fuck! [Drops phone out of, well, fright] Mel, forget it [Presses button to put it through to voicemail. Stares up at ceiling and falls asleep.]
Scene Five
Later that day, in the early evening. It's a visit to RUSU. Shaun and Alan are at a table. Shaun has a coke, Alan has whatever Alan drinks. Hooch or something, I've never really noticed!
Mike You made it then.
Shaun Yeah, I feel terrible. You didn't see the bird I took home, did you? she must have left before I got up.
Mike What bird? We came home with you mate. After you went schizo we left you on your own and you sure weren't in the mood for entertaining the ladies.
Shaun I went schizo? What the hell about?
Mike Pager messages.
Shaun I must have been smashed, I don't remember any of it.
Mike You had one drink. One Reef.
Shaun One drink? Fuck off, man, I was hammered.
Mike [More concerned, now] It's the Reef, Shaun, you're just not careful enough with it. It always fucks you up, it always screws with your head.
Shaun I can handle Reef.....
Mike ...But you can't, I swear. This is like the third time you've gone mad on it and this was the worst. It took me and Mike to knock you down. That's why you've got that bruise.
Shaun That was you? The drink must have been spiked, you know I can take my drink.
Mike Shaun, Reef is a spike itself. You know that but you just won't quit it. You're addicted to it, man.
Shaun You don't get addicted to Reef, no more addicted than to beer.
Mike Beer doesn't do that to you though does it. You don't try to kill yourself after a pint, do you?
Shaun Now I know you're bullshitting me. I'd never try to kill myself. What'd be the point?
Mike Yeah, but you're not thinking when you're on Reef. You're not you when you drink Reef. It fucks with your head.
Shaun I can't take anymore of this crap. I'm off. I reckon you're the one who's had too much Reef, mate.
Mike Shaun, just stop drinking the stuff.
Shaun leaves RUSU, slamming doors and being generally annoyed
Scene Six
We're in a park now, the same one where Clarkey did his little Forrset Gump thing at the beginning. Sitting on the bench is the Punter we saw earlier, y'know, that clubing fellow. He's talking to some people as we approach him. In the obvious place, he reads the rest of the narrative into the camera, like he's talking to us, see?
Punter When I said 38, she stood aghast, expecting it to be only 36 or maybe 37, but not 38. That, she thought, was an impossibility. But still, she got over it and now she's a businesswoman somewhere, plenty of money, nice home on the beach. She was building a chateaux the last time I... oh hello, didn't see you there, good of you to join us. I was telling this lot about Sara, but you've heard that story far too many times already. Flighty, scuttling across the pyramids she was, buzzing all the time - annoying noise at first but you eventually got used to it, like a ticking clock when you are falling asleep, it's comforting and if you didn't hear it, you got worried, agitated - what's happened, why'd she stop buzzing? She stopped buzzing when she was happy though and since she buzzed pretty much most of the time - well, I guess you gotta feel sorry for the poor girl. Although, she never had any overwhelming reason to be unhappy - she had had a good childhood, good parents, comfortable upbringing and then she met a nice guy, mutual breakup, they're still friends now, she got in a good university, she got a good degree, she got a good job, she got a good wage, a good pension plan, a nice company car, met another nice guy, married this nice guy, they had good sex, made a good kid, raised him well, he got in Uni., I think he became a lawyer or something - but even with this perfect life she just kept on buzzing, she just kept on being unhappy. I met her about the time her son went off to Uni. I was a judge back then and she was in a bar with a few friends, as was I. She came over to help when I spotted some guy choking on a peanut or something. We got talking, she was a doctor, lad at Uni., good husband, good sex, good job, good house. But she was unhappy - it was true, the buzz had a very melancholic ring about it, everyone pointed this out. I told her that I'd enjoyed the evening, she had too. We ought to do it again. Well, as you know, we did do it again - we got on so well, but there was nothing ever romantic about it, which was refreshing as neither of us wanted to risk our home lives. Anyway, that sorted out, one day I told her about my plan to rob a building society - I think it was during the interval to a play - no a musical, West Side Story quite possibly - terrible production, terrible play, but still..... When I mentioned it, she stopped buzzing. It was weird, the first time I'd ever heard the buzz stop. It was like the first time anyone had said something to her that she hadn't expected, someone had said something that she was truly interested in. Well, needless to say, she was very eager to be a part in the idea - I probably would never have got anywhere near doing it if it wasn't for her, constantly coming up with ways that would prove our innocence if we got caught, ways that would make sure we never got caught. By the time came to do the job, it was pretty much her operation, my idea. Now I was tagging along with her, I was pretty much the getaway driver. Still, that suited me, I've never been the athletic type and as she was so fit, the task was more suited to her. But it was a disaster. as soon as the gun came out, the teller pressed the button and the police were there in seconds. Then chaos broke out, it was a miracle she never got hit. She lost it and when she came to trial, guess who the judge was - I was amazed she didn't tell anyone about my involvement. As far as anyone knew, we'd never even met before. Of course, I had to sentence her, there was no way to disprove that she'd killed the customer and that she wasn't planning to rob the building society. So, I gave her the minimum, 38 years, she was distraught but as I said, she got over it. And when she came out after 25, she was old, she was wrinkly but at least she had stopped buzzing. Apparently, she buzzed constantly for the whole 25 years but it got quieter each day closer to her release date. Of course, I never saw her over this time, I never visited her - how could I? - no-one ever heard of a judge going to see how their prisoner was getting on. Because of this, I never saw her after she came out either and besides, I assume she wasn't pleased with me at all. I waited around the corner when she was released - her husband picked her up. She looked at me through the car window but it was obvious she never wanted to see me after that. Before long she had made a mint selling discount perfume. Her marriage had not suffered because of her jail time and they were closer than they had ever been but she started buzzing again. She's still buzzing now.
Act Three
OK. The start of this Act is going to be voicemail messages. I'm not sure how you'd want to do this but it'd probably be boring just watching Shaun listening to a phone. But then it's a bit cliché having the split screen caller/receiver thing. I'll decide nearer the time. ie never.
Scene One
Shaun is in his room.
Shaun OK, let's see what people want. I swear, if Scott's phoned, I'll kill him.
First Call
Shaun Clarkey..... what's he got to say for himself?
Clarkey Hi Horn, it's Andrew Clarke here. I'm knackered. Oh God, I was up until 6 o'clock this morning. I got one hour sleep and I seem to have caught the flu. It's so terrible living up here in Huddersfield, everyone gets the flu 'cause of the arctic conditions - oh, I've such a headache and I feel so sick. But at least I got very very drunk last night before the flu came on - so much Diamond White but oh, I'm knackered [pause] oooops, I forgot I was on voicemail - I guess it's because I'm knackered. So, ummmmm, yeah - gimmee a call - if you haven't written it down yet, it's 01158 632176 - so ring me, you bastard!! If I'm not there, it'll be because I'll be very very drunk or sleeping because I'm so knackered and ill. Bye.
Shaun Chances I'm phoning him.
Second Call
Shaun Oh thank the lord, a bit of sense, it's Rob. He is so Godlike.
Rob Hi Shaun, it's Rob here. Ummm, I'm at work and I guess I will be until about, ummm, half four, or something like that. So, errr, yeah, gimmee a call and see ya, ummm, bye.
Shaun A true genius if ever there was one. The highest form of purity there ever could be. An honourable saint. He is my hero.
Third Call
Shaun Ah, Alan. What does he want?
Alan Hi Shaun, it's Alan. Call me.
Fourth Call
Shaun Oh God, it's Mel. What does she want now?
Mel Hi Shaun, it's Mel here. I'm just phoning to say that I'd really like it if you could come over and have dinner with me. I know we said we'd never see each other again and I did blow you off yesterday but I really miss you- your touch, your sweet words, your smile, your cock and even though I know we're no longer a couple, I'd like to see you again, soon. Ring me back, Horn.
Shaun ['singing'] Temptation
Fifth Call
Shaun Ah, Jack. Good to hear from him.
Jack Hi Shaun, it's Jack Nicholson here. I'm just leaving a quick message to let you know that the fishcake has swum away leaving only a few crumbs behind which will eventually grow soggy in the milk but don't worry because Santa's dog, Scruff, will come and dispose of the remnants leaving only a slightly devoured fishcake and a tank of unspoiled milk which Ophelia will be pleasured to drink. OK? See you next Tuesday.
Sixth Call
Shaun Scott, that bastard!!
Scott Hi mate, it's Scott here. Two things - first - sorry about last night, I didn't mean to lose my rag but you know how things have been lately - I've had a lot of jobs to organise and lots of people have been screwing me around. Good, just wanted to sort that out. Second - I was wondering if you were free in thirty minutes to come over to Legends and do a set for us. You'll be saving me, mate, so get back in touch as soon as possible. There's a tenner in it for you this time, mate. Cheers, mate.
Shaun Fuck you, asshole. No way in hell am I doing that.
Seventh Call
Shaun Hmmm, Emma, thought I got rid of her.
Emma Shaun, you bastard! You told me I was the only one! The only one you were going out with, the only one you were kissing, the only one you were fucking but I saw you with that, that bitch, that whore and I saw you kiss her scabby lips, you low down son of a bitch. No, your mother doesn't deserve a shit like you. If you ever call me again or if you ever come and see me again expecting dinner, I'll cut off your dick. I hope that bitch has given you crabs. Fuck off!!
Shaun Oh well. Never mind.
Eighth Call
Shaun Hmmmm
Emma Shaun, that was me, Emma, by the way.
Ninth Call
Shaun Oh, it's Mel again.
Mel Hey Shaun, the phone just rang and went pretty quickly onto voicemail so I know you're there and ignoring me. Ring me up, I'll make it worth your while.
Tenth Call
Shaun Bloody hell, it's Alan again.
Alan Look Shaun. You've got to call me. We need to sort out your problem. Ring me back, quickly.
Shaun That's it. Ten fucking voicemails in one day and I had the thing on me for most of that day. I just can't take it anymore, I can never have any time to myself because all these damn people are phoning me, they just won't leave me alone. Anytime I want to get down to something I have to stop in the middle of it to answer the phone and if I don't answer the phone I get hundreds of voicemails, all of them with nothing to say, just bugging me with snippets from their pointless, boring lives. Well fuck them. Fuck it all.
Scene Two
In a street...... we watch Shaun as he walks down the street, focusing on his face - he's not a happy chappy and is very determined, yet a little distant to what is around him. He approaches an off licence.....
He then walks into the shop, heads straight for the alco-pops and picks out a Reef, walks to the counter. The old woman behind the counter gives him a look of wariness and distrustful snootiness.
Shaun walks down the street, leaving his Reef in public view but unopened - mothers look at the bottle and scowl, shaking their heads at Shaun. He passes another shop, a hobby shop, turns around and goes in. We don't follow him, lets leave an element of surprise, eh.
In Sibly he leaves the lift. He walks into his room, throws the bottle on the bed and a flat, brown paper bag on the desk and then goes back to the lift.
He comes out of the lift and heads to a strange room. Knocks on door, there's a "Come in" and so he does. Courtney is in there, playing a soccer game on the computer.
Courtney Alright Shaun, fancy a game?
Shaun Nah, sozz mate, no time. Can I borrow your gun?
Courtney Ummm, sure - whatcha gonna do with it?
Shaun Oh, you know, terrorise KFC customers, the usual.
Courtney Ha ha, nice one.
Roots about, fishes out pellet gun, hands it to Shaun.
Courtney Here you go, don't get into shit with it, now.
Shaun Nah chance.
Shaun leaves and makes his way back to the lift and then out into his room. He picks up the bottle of Reef, rips off the top and starts drinking it. He goes to the stereo and puts on a dark housey record (is there such a thing?) and starts spinning around, arms outstretched. We watch Shaun drink the whole bottle and get down to the pumping music. He then sits down at his desk and reaches for the pellet gun. He reaches into the brown paper bag and pulls out a plastic can of pellets and a plastic bag containing a grey powder.
Camera pans behind his bag as he messes with the gun with a screwdriver. After a while he gets up, cocks the pellet gun, aims at the window and fires. There's a bang and the window shatters. That is no longer an ordinary pellet gun, nosiree bob. There is but one mouthful of Reef left in the bottle, which Shaun casually swigs.
Scene Three
We are at RUSU, well, Shaun is anyway. He is standing outside, not quite himself, we can see the pellet gun bulging in his coat pocket. The disco lights in the hall are shading the pavement slabs outside where Shaun is standing and occasionally a light flashes across the camera, blinding it with colour. We look at Shaun's face. His eyes are completely vacant but blink every time a light flashes across his face. The screen becomes his point of view and before long the screen is constantly filled with random flickering colours - we zoom into a dark patch, filling the screen with a black void.
A voice starts up, repeating the following paragraph again and again. It is repeated throughout this scene and is from 'Of Walking Abortion' by the Manics - "I knew that some day I was gonna die and I knew before I died, two things would happen to me: that no.1 I would regret my entire life and no.2 I would want to live my life over again."
The screen gradually turns green and as we pan out we realise that the green is leaves, lots of them, a forest of leaves no less. Plus the odd tree. The camera pans across the leaves of the forest - very fast, very blurred. It suddenly comes to a stop with Shaun's face in frame. Shaun looks around him, he is surrounded by bushes and tree trunks reaching toward the sky - it is silent - he looks up and to his left and right. He then looks down as the earth dips at his feet and he sinks underground, soil encompassing him. He scrapes away the soil from his body and eventually manages to escape and stand up back in the forest. He is now on a path.
The things that we now see are from Shaun's POV, as if it is we that are taking the stroll.
He walks along the path and towards a couple, they are kissing tenderly and passionately - they are both topless, the girl with her back towards us, the top of her dress folded down from her waist, the guy with a pair of black trousers on -despite the sexual implications, they give a strange sense of magical naiveté, of innocence of lust and nothing but love. We neither see the chests nor the faces of the couple, just a full shot of them kissing.
Shaun walks on, passing a double-sized mattress with a sheet on it, folded back on itself along the middle. The sheet underneath is cream coloured, very untidy, messed up.
Shaun walks on, passing a troupe of girls in short black dresses, drastically smeared and abused make up. They are all looking down, no longer smiling their pathetic, shallow flirtatious smiles. Their high heeled feet are scratched from the red roses that lie around them. Their hair is mangled, unkempt.
Shaun walks on, spying a large clump of leaves. Further inspection reveals a foot sticking out of the clump. Shaun goes over to the clump and digs amongst the leaves. We now leave Shaun's POV and watch him scrambling about with the leaves. As the leaves are thrown away, a woman, bloody, is found lying on her front with a brown bag over her head. She has scratches down her legs and there is a knife wound in her back. When Shaun takes the bag off her head, blood pours out and we can see there is a bullet wound in her head. As he turns her head round to see her face, he is shocked to see that it is Emma. Although her face is mostly stained with blood, her eyes aren't and a leaked tear can clearly be seen.
Shaun is thrown back aghast and sits with his hands over his eyes, legs up against his chest. As the camera zooms out from his face, we see that he is now also almost naked, save for his underwear, like Emma. He is wearing those vulgar cK things, which show off the manly bulge in a crass manner. The shot also incorporates Emma's unfocussed body in the foreground. With Shaun despairing in the background but still the main object in the view.
As he lowers his legs, he removes his hands from over his eyes and looks at Emma's corpse. He then looks down at his crotch, with a look of nervousness about him. We get closer to him so we can see it better. The bulge starts to shrink, Shaun starts to be completely terrified. Before long there is no longer any bulge at all, just flatness. Desperate, hysterical, he reaches into his shorts and screams in pain for when he pulls his hand back out, it is no longer there. Just a bloodless stump remains.
The MSP quote ends, all we hear is nothing, silence.
Shaun writhes on the floor with his handless arm thumping the floor and his other arm crashing into his head, beating the shit out of his mind. He looks up and sees a gang of girls heading towards him, he squirms even more, trying to escape but not being able to get up and run. As the girls proceed further, we see that they all have Emma's face. They are all wearing long, to-the-floor dresses, pastel colours, like your mother would like.
They all draw their hands up and we see that they are carrying a piece. They shoot at Shaun in turn, each one hitting him, making him howl in pain, as you would, and leaving a bloody hole. They finally reach his body and while most of them kiss all over his body, one of them brings her gun to his forehead, pulls the trigger and.....
Act Four
Scene One
Shaun is lying on a muddy piece of grass in the campus. He regains consciousness with a start. He looks at his clunky watch thing, and lights up the display and sees that it is half three. Obviously in the morning as it is dark after all - duh.
Scene Two
It's Kloda again!!! I think it's about time we had some comic relief so here is your resident funny man. Kloda is dressed in black, with a big beard and other rabbi type specifications. He is in a grey room with no detail, it's just a head/shoulder shot, no particular background. New York Jewish accent acquired, let's go.
Kloda Hi there, let me introduce myself - I am Rabbi Marxiski, I'm from Portland, Oregon. I know you're gonna be asking me what I'm doing here, I don't really know myself, but I was sitting at home, minding my business, eating a bagal when some catholic schmuck phoned me up and asked me to talk into this camera for a while. Well, as they were paying, I thought about it and after they had agreed to give me some more money I said yeah and I got all my stuff together, left the house, yadda yadda yadda and here I am. They didn't really give me any script really, they just told me to speak what I'm thinking and so far, that's what I've been doing and if that's what they want, I shall go on doing it, as long as they pay up. I have contacts with men you wouldn't want to mess with, y'know. So what am I thinking, that's what you wanna know? Well I was reminded of what happened three days ago. I was in a hardware store, buying a shovel for the synagogue, something to do with the foundations being redug, donoe why I have to go buy the freaking shovel - what? builders don't provide their own shovels no more? My sweet mother would turn in her grave. Anyway, I was in the hardware store, I found the shovel, the midpriced one - if there's one thing I've learned, always buy the one that's the average price. If it's the cheapest, it will always break the first time you use it, if it's the most expensive, you'll be buying what you don't need. So I got the mid-priced shovel, I make my way to the counter and I give the woman there the money, cash. I could smell fish on that girl's breath and if there's one thing I can't stand, it's fish on a woman's breath. Fish on a man's breath is bad enough but at least a man doesn't need to impress me. A woman needs to impress otherwise no-one will take her seriously, and I would never think of buying a shovel off someone who weren't taken seriously. But this day, I didn't have the time or the inclination to queue in another aisle and besides, there was still a chance that the other teller also had fish on her breath, they'd all probably been for a fish dinner round the corner at Ernie's so they all probably smelt the same. I won't be going to that hardware store again. I gave the teller my money and she held the notes up to the light. There is something wrong with a world where even a rabbi can't be trusted. And when someone thinks that a rabbi would be stupid enough to screw up a forgery - it's just freaking disrespectful. But she reckoned there was something wrong with the bill I gave her so she pressed her little button for the manager to come. This distrust really pissed me off so I grabbed her neck and asked her why she thought a rabbi would come to a hardware store and buy a shovel with a bunch of forged notes, she couldn't answer but just kept pushing her little button. The manager soon came and he called the cops. They took down my details, drove me to the station, yadda yadda yadda [camera pans back, showing Kloda is in a cell] and here I am. Five days, my sweet mother would turn in her grave.
Scene Three
Shaun is now outside Mel's house and knocks on the door. After a while she comes to the door.
Mel Ah, Shaun, good to see you. Come on in.
She leads him in to the flat, sits him down on a sofa.
Mel D'you wanna coffee? You look wasted.
Shaun Yeah
Mel OK, back in a bit.
Shaun pulls out the gun and plays with it in his hands. Mel pops her head round the corner, Shaun quickly puts a cushion on his lap, shielding her view of the gun.
Mel Do you want to put some music on?
Shaun OK.
Shaun goes to stereo and just presses play on the CD player. 'Baby One More Time' comes on again. Mel comes back in again, with a couple of cups of coffee.
Mel Here you go.
She puts it on a table next to the sofa. Shaun reaches across and smashes the mug onto the floor.
Mel What you doing, Horn?
Shaun stands up and points the gun at Mel.
Shaun I've fucking had it up to here with you phoning me, you bitch. I want to make sure that I never hear your whiny pathetic voice on my phone again.
Mel Christ, man, I'm sorry.
Shaun No-one's gonna miss you anyway. I was the best thing in your life and look at me.
With that, Shaun smashes her round the face with the hand the gun is in. She spins around and thuds onto the floor. Shaun stands above her and puts the barrel of the gun into her mouth. He pulls the trigger and the gun goes off in her mouth, leaving a halo of blood circling her head.
*
We are now outside Scott's house. Shaun knocks on the door, Scott answers the door and Shaun points the gun at Scott's chest but Scott doesn't see it at first.
Scott Jesus Christ, Shaun, do you know what time it is? And where were you tonight? I asked you to DJ for me, where the fuck were you? I had to do the whole gig myself.
Shaun Scott, shut the fuck up and get in the house.
Scott What? I was talking to you, you ain't gonna just interrupt me and order me about.
Shaun Oh yeah?
Shaun jabs the gun in Scott's stomach.
Scott Shaun, I know a pellet gun when I see one.
There is a bang and Scot's t-shirt becomes stained.
Scott F, f, f, fucking hell, Shaun you bastard, what have you done?
Shaun Just get in the house.
Shaun pushes Scott, who is clutching his chest, into the house and shuts the front door behind him. There is a voice from upstairs.
Voice Scott, Scott... what was that? Are you OK? Who is it?
Shaun It's me, Shaun. How are you, Jez? Has this prick been banging you up the arse like your Nigerian friends?
Jez Fuck off Shaun. He's a better screw than you could ever be.
Shaun runs up stairs, into the room where Jez is in the bed.
Shaun I don't think so.
He goes over to the dresser and picks up a lipstick. He whips off the sheet, Jez is in her underwear and draws an x on her chest.
Jez What are you doing, Shaun? What's that for?
Shaun brings out gun.
Shaun I need some target practise.
Jez Oh I know that gun's just a pellet......
Shaun shoots her, just to the left of the x. She slumps, dead.
Shaun Damn, I missed.
He shoots again, but hits her neck. He shoots again, but gets her belly.
Shaun Oh for fucks sake.
He shoots her again and again, leaving her chest a bloody mess. He goes over to the dresser and puts more pellets in the gun.
*
Now he's in Mike's room.
Shaun Hi Mike, how you doing?
Mike Shaun, what you doing with that fucking gun man.
Shaun I don't want to kill you but I'm sick of all the voicemails you and everyone else keep sending me.
Mike Christ, man, have you been drinking Reef again?
Shaun Maybe, just a little.
Mike lunges at Shaun and they crash to the floor. Mike starts to punch shit out of Shaun but Shaun manages to pull the trigger and Mike raises his fist, slams it into Shaun's chest and slumps to the floor, a bullet in his head.
Alan Take what, Shaun?
Shaun All these fucking voicemails, every two minutes I get a call from Clarkey or Rob or Scott or Mel or you and I just can't, I just can't take it anymore, man.
Alan Why don't you just get rid of your mobile?
Shaun Fuck off, man.
He shoots Alan in the chest.
Alan You bastard.
Shaun Sozz.
Shaun One return to Huddersfield, please.
Now we're on the train. As we make our way up the aisle, we turn and see Shaun at his seat, drinking out of a bottle of Reef. When he finishes, he sits back and closes his eyes.
Outside Clarkey's flat in H'field. Shaun rings the bell and Clarkey pops his head out of the window.
Clarkey Shaun! Cool, what you doing up here?
Shaun Well, you know, nothing else to do, things were getting boring.
Clarkey I'll come and let you in.
Clarkey eventually comes to the door and lets him in. They climb the stairs to his flat.
Clarkey So really, nothing to do eh, or should I say, no-one to do?
Shaun Ha ha. Well, y'know. You asked me to phone you, I thought I'd go one better.
Clarkey Well, it's good to see you.
Shaun Yeah, been a long time.
They reach his flat and they go into his room.
Clarkey So what you been up to lately?
Shaun Oh, not a lot. I've been getting a little pissed off recently so I've not been feeling to good.
Clarkey Pissed off? What with? Exams?
Shaun I've been getting tonnes of voicemails and it's just become to much. I've been killing people who keep phoning me up all the time.
Clarkey turns with his back to Shaun. Shaun goes over to Clarkey's Jack Daniels Lamp.
Clarkey Ha ha, I know the feeling.
Shaun No really, I've been killing people who keep phoning you.
Clarkey turns around to face Shaun.
Clarkey You what?
Shaun picks up the lamp and smashes Clarkey around the head with it, breaking it up. Clarkey is thrown onto the bed. Shaun picks up the lamp remnants and, seeing that the bulb is smashed, stabs Clarkey in the leg with the live wires, electrocuting him. Clarkey is thrown against the wall, writhing, unconcious.
Shaun Hmmm, just in case.
Shaun stands over Clarkey, gun pointed at Clarkey's head. He suddenly gets a flashback from the Reef trip of his shrinking bulge. He checks his crotch, smiles that he is still intact.
Shaun I may be OK, but you aren't going to be.
He lowers the gun so that it is pointing at his crotch. He shoots the gun.
*
Shaun is sitting in another train.
Announcer The next stop is Wolverhampton, Wolverhampton is the next stop.
The next thing we know, Shaun is in Rob's house, gun is hidden at first.
Rob Christ, how did you get here?
Shaun I got the bus. And now I will kill you.
Rob Wait a minute. Bend over and I'll take you up the arse first.
Shaun Ha ha, not in this lifetime.
Rob Huh?
Shaun whips out his gun and shoots three holes into Rob's chest.
Shaun You may be the greatest person ever to live on this puny Earth but you left messages on my voicemail so that means you have to die.
Rob Oh right, fair enough.
Scene Four
We're back at Sibly Halls. As it is only two days after the brutal killings none of the bodies have been found except Rob's and Mike's who both have people living with them , y'see. The police, however are slow and have only just started the case to look for Mike's killer. As there never seems to be anyone in at Alan's, Scott's or Shaun's, the case is quite slow getting off the ground. And as Rob lives in Dudley, any involvement of Reading residents has been ignored. These facts do not rear their heads in the plot except as a way to explain any queries which may be raised by the police absence. Shaun has a paper which has Mike's death as a headline. He notices his blinking mobile on the desk. He examines phone.
Shaun Who could possibly be leaving voicemail at this time?
Listens in.
Shaun Emma. That bitch.
Emma Hi, it's Emma. I was just phoning to see if you were OK. I heard about Mike's murder and I just wanted to send you my condolences and, well, if you need a shoulder to cry on, well, I'm here. But Shaun, don't think about crying on anything else but my shoulder, I think I've made my feelings clear.
Shaun Oh God, it's starting again. I thought I'd finally get rid of people phoning me up, leaving me fucking voicemails but no, there's still people calling, telling me all the useless information I don't need to hear. There is only one thing I can do.
In Emma's room.
Emma So, how are you feeling, Shaun?
Shaun I'm very confused, like I don't know what I'm doing anymore. My mind seems to be on cruise control all the time, but I don't have a break pedal, I don't have something that can clarify everything, that can get me back in control.
Emma Mike's death has struck you hard then? Who do you think could have done such a thing?
Shaun Ummm, I don't know. He never had any enemies.
Emma It's always the good ones that die isn't it. You never hear of a right fucker being raped on their way home from a night club and stabbed. It's always the good kids that get gunned down.
Shaun Yes, [looking at Emma] it's always the good ones that have to die. It makes things easier at the eulogy.
Emma Yes, well, I guess that's so. Say, do you want a drink?
Shaun That's OK, I'll fix my own. I know where everything is, don't I.
Emma Ha ha, yeah.
Shaun Want anything yourself?
Emma Umm, just a coke, thanks. There's a few cans in the fridge.
Shaun goes into the kitchen and goes into the fridge, fishing out a couple of cans of coke. He spots a small bread knife on the side and puts it into his back pocket. He comes back into her room.
Emma Are you feeling any better now that you've let it all out?
Shaun Have I?
Emma Well you told me how you were feeling, how Mike's murder has struck you. Surely it helps a bit by telling someone about it.
Shaun Yeah, I guess so, a little maybe. Here, here's your can of coke.
Shaun hands her the coke. He is looking very uncertain, very unsure of what he plans to do.
Emma Thanks, come sit down, you look upset. Give me a hug.
He sits down beside her. They hug and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the knife. He puts his arm back round her and stares at the knife in his hand. He examines the knife absent mindedly.
Emma That's it, Shaun. It'll all be OK when you solve the complications in your mind once and for all.
Shaun Yes, Emma. You're right. I have to put an end to my problems once and for all.
He raises his arm and brings the knife plunging into Emma's back. Her face is aghast as she yells out a scream. Shaun brings the little knife down her back, creating a stream of blood flowing onto the sofa. Emma screams more, a tear trickles down her cheek.
Emma Shaun, why?
Shaun I, I don't fucking know, Emma. I don't fucking know what I'm doing, man.
He starts plunging the knife into her back
Shaun Please, Emma, please stop crying.
She screams in pain at each stab. He throws Emma down on the sofa, pulls out the gun and shoots Emma in the forehead. The blood pours around her eyes, down her cheeks, into her mouth. She slumps onto the cushion, the tear still staining her face. Shaun looks at her, sickened.
Shaun I can't believe what I've done. I can't stand to look at her face.
Shaun goes into the kitchen and finds a plastic bag. He puts it over her head. There's a flashback of, you guessed it, the trip sequence where he finds Emma's corpse amongst the leaves. Remember it?
Shaun No, no, no, no. Oh my God, what have I done, what have I done?
His phone rings, timely.
Shaun Who the hell could this be? I've killed every other character in this fucking film so who could this be. There is no end to this barrage of people wanting to talk to me, wanting to leave pointless messages on my phone. I cannot go on like this, killing everyone who leaves a message for me. OK, most of them deserve it but some of them were innocent, some of them didn't actually deserve to die but it's too late. It won't be long until the police catch up with me. It won't be too long before all the bodies are found and people wonder why I'm not dead too. And then how many years in prison. They'll probably put me in an asylum, not least because of this talking to myself business, and all the whackos will ask me about pork slices and golems until I'll just want to die. Well, I may as well speed up the process.
He raises the gun to his head.
Shaun Goodbye dear world. You've been good to me and I've made the most of you. I've had a good life, oh yes, I've had a good life and it's a shame that it's got to end this way, but it has to. It has to end now otherwise it will end when some nutter is asking about the diversity of my string bean collection. So adios, aloha, auf wiedersehn, au revoir, goodbye.
He shoots himself in the side of the head, spraying a gush of blood out of the other side of his head.
Scene Five
Look, it's Kloda!
Kloda Hey, look at that, I didn't die.
Old Jew Nor did I, looks like we rabbis can escape the hands of death. It's a good faith.
Bouncers, Punter, Mike's Girl, Courtney We didn't die either.
Jack I'm still alive, too. That fucker would never be able to kill me. Ha ha ha.
THE END