Subway ride from hell (for some people)
 
Author: Numero Nuo
Email: oncet1@netcom.net
Date: 1998/11/24
Forums: alt.tasteless 

Funniest thing happened to me on the subway last Saturday night.  I figured this was
the right group to tell it to.  I was coming home, it was late, and I was drunk.  The train 
was pretty well packed and I was reading a book to pass the time until I got to my stop.

Suddenly I felt the need to pass some gas; after 12 beers or so, plus a ton of junk food,
it was a fairly pressing demand from my body that couldn't be ignored.  Pretending to
read my book, I casually scanned the other passengers on the train.  Since it was
jammed, I figured I could do it and not get caught since NOBODY would have a clue
as to who the guilty party was.  It would be different if the train was almost empty;
the list of suspects would be that much shorter.  All I had to do was keep reading and 
pretend I didn't notice anything, I figured.  Even if someone got wise; who cared?  It wasn't 
like I was ever going to see any of these people again.

So I went for it, and man oh man, was it rank.  It smelled like someone threw a box of
sulphur into a tire-fire.  It could have peeled wallpaper down if this had been in a house.
It's a good thing there were no open fires on the train or we all might have gone up in
a combustible haze.  I kept my eyes glued to my book even as I noticed people 
looking around then hurriedly moving away.  They didn't know who was responsible
for it (hopefully), but they definitely knew the air would smell a lot better at the other
end of the train.  

I considered looking up with an outraged, indignant expression, kind of a "Hey, which
one of you assholes farted?" look, to ensure my "innocence," but it was late and I
was too wasted to try my hand at acting.  I just kept reading, blissfully ignoring
everything.

Then the most hilarious part occurred.  These three girls - women, really, about 28 - 
were sitting about 5 feet away.  I heard them start caterwauling and moaning as
the smell hit them.  "Oh my GOD!" one bellowed.  "Ewwwwww!" another whined,
her nose wrinkled.  Then this one pulled a perfume atomizer from her purse and began 
madly spraying it into the air, an agonized expression on her face!

Meanwhile I kept on reading, biting the insides of my cheeks to keep from laughing
my ass off.  Somehow I kept a poker face in the midst of all this hysteria.  The mental 
image of the woman desperately trying to freshen the air with her perfume spray still 
makes me laugh to tears.  I wish you could have seen it.  I got off the train a few minutes 
later and practically had to crawl home;it was that funny.