Cat Piss Fever (Was: Santa Claus SUICIDE Photo?)
 
Author: Wes Payne
Email: n9548326@wwu.cc.edu
Date: 1997/12/12
Forums: alt.tasteless 

ObT:  The cat.  Again.  He's a neutered male, but he didn't pick up that
particular alteration until after he started his spraying habit.  One of
these days, I may even be able to forgive his former owners for the
oversight.  But not today.

Today, I woke up suddenly, because he was scratching at my blankets, much
as cats do when they're burying the results of the latest excretion.  My
sleep-numbed mind made that connection at about the same time I felt a warm
wetness on my hand, which was under the blankets.

I woke up in a hurry.  Screaming.  Jesus Fuck!  The fucking ingrate had
just pissed in my bed!  I staggered around the room, gathering up my soiled
bedding as quickly as I could, cursing and whimpering, 'cause I'd only been
asleep for five hours, and needed another five.  Unfortunately, I didn't
move fast enough to keep the cat piss from soaking down to the mattress. 
Fuck, fuck, fuck!!

Well, Mr. Cat didn't know enough to be scared, yet.  Mr. Cat didn't really
think he'd done anything wrong or, if he did, he was being unrepentant. 
Big fucking mistake.  I grabbed Mr. Cat by his scruff, mated his face up
with the wet patch on my comforter, and proceeded to rub his face in it.

"You like your smell, huh?  Well, here it is!  Like it?  Huh?  Get some! 
Get some!  Get some get some get some get some get some get some get some
get some get some get some!!!!"

Mr. Cat was struggling mightily to escape, now that it'd occurred to him
that I might sand his nose off on my soiled bedding, or break his neck
trying.

After the rage subsided (about two hours) I let him go, and stuffed my
bedding into the washing machine, and then proceeded to treat the stain on
the mattress with the Stain Remover from Hell.  It appears to have worked,
but I had to finish my sleep session uncovered, huddling on the dry half of
the mattress.

I'm still pissed.