First shot at tastelessness Author: PathologyBoy Email: jastermereel@antispambigfoot.com Date: 1998/11/30 Forums: alt.tasteless Here goes. One would think that, as an employee of the Dept. of Pathology of a major medical school, I would have had something sufficiently graphic and gory to share with the NG by now, but, alas, it's abeen pretty straight-forward. Today, as a gift to those of us interested, my boss took us with him to observe an autopsy. Oddly enough, only two of us were willing to go (one salivating nearly - guess who?). Most of it was pretty run-of-the-mill, so I'll only post the, um, more interesting aspects of the procedure. If you want the entire, play-by-play action, let me know. 1. Patient was a female, 5 months pregnant, died as a result of kidney failure following stomach surgery. (Not tasteless, but important.) 2. During the surgery, the patient took 15 liters of fluid in attempts to keep her blood pressure up. However, without the kidneys, none of the fluid came back out. We found it. Believe it or not, the human abdominal cavity, even with a protorugrat within, will hold 10 liters of fluid, only to have it rush out in a pinkish-tinged flood when the body is opened. Additional fact - make sure the floor drain is clear when doing a procedure like this. Todays image: two med students and a pathologist standing in a half-inch of blood-tinged saline solution, swimmimg with god-knows-what. 3. Human flesh, even after spending a day in the freezer, does indeed smell like lamb. I haven't the foggiest what the scent would be without the fridge, but as it was, it wasn't that bad. 4. Human liver looks and smells (tastes??) exactly like calf liver. Usually. This patient was an alcoholic, and years of steatosis had turned her filter into 2 kilos of premium foie gras, crackers not included. Nothing like feeling a liver fall apart in your hands as you try to put it in a bucket. Mmmm. 5. Removal of most of the intestines followed. Apparently SOMEONE hadn't been following doctor's orders to stay away from food before the operation, because the large intestine was packed with some of the foulest-smelling liquishit in the history of mankind. I've lived with 2 two-year-olds, both of whom came down with diarrhea simultaneously, and let me tell you, this had them beat hands-down. Greenish, oily liquid spurted out of the intestine to mingle with the bloody effusion in the chest cavity, floating on top in oddly pretty little puddles. 6. We opened the uterus, per normal, and discovered 1 standard-issue anencephalic fetus. (No brain, for those playing at home). This is a fascinating sight, for those who haven't seen one before. Imagine a normal baby, and cut from directly above the eyes back to the foramen magnum (joint between skull and spine). Remove top of skull and all contents. Curl edges inward, resulting in a face tilted about 45 degrees back from normal, bulging eyes, a permanently open mouth with protruding tongue, and, naturally, about half of the head missing completely. Of course, add all the joint abnormalities inherent with no motor control (imagine the most spastic 'tard you have ever seen, and then break them on the rack.). 7. My co-worker is apparently not as immune to this sort of thing as I, so guess who my sadistic employer sent to put this particular relic into preservation??? I will never, in all my days, forget what happened next. As our weak-stomached friend dropped the fetus into a bucket, you could actually see him starting to gag, and, after he'd carried it about halfway across the room, it happened. A tiny burp, followed by the most impressive stream of semi-digested tacos I have ever seen. He must have unloaded a gallon and a half, and with enough pressure to knock the bucket out of his hands and send its contents into the mire on the floor. Of course, this happened again rather quickly, and so we now have two med students and one pathologist, all standing in a half-inch puddle of saline, blood, and semi-processed Taco Bell (both from assistant and corpse), garnished with one stillborn fetus. Add some urine and menstrual blood, I thought, and we'd have the ultimate tasteless cocktail right here. This, in addition, may be the single most overpowering stench in the history of mankind, considering the size of the room we were in. Add in the rather warm surgical lights, and I can say I have never been more thankful for a head cold. Aside from that things went normally. One minor question, though, on squicking technique, which popped into my head as the skull was being opened: is trephination necessary, or does it still count if the entire top half of the skull is gone? I'd think the latter would cut down on bone-splinters in the old choad, but some of us are into that. Pathology Boy ObPriceless - the look on my still-squeamish cohorts face as he fished through the mire for the fetus, and then had to rinse it off and pull a partially-digested hunk of meat out of its mouth.