"Being attracted to someone of the same sex can be frightening - so frightening that you may deny your feelings, or throw yourself into dating the opposite sex, just to prove you are not gay or lesbian.

But then the feelings come up again. You try to put them out of your mind but you can't. Finally, you stop resisting, and in that instant, your world changes. You discover that being with someone of the same sex feels better than being with the opposite sex ever did. But what will this mean for the rest of your life?

Certainly, life is more challenging if you are gay or lesbian. It requires that you develop the courage to honor your own experience of love above anyone else's judgments about it. But you can do it. Millions of people have, and many say it was the best thing they ever did.

In creating this publication, we have talked to some prominent gay men and lesbians about their experiences of coming to terms with their sexual orientation, and coming out to others. Among them: U.S. Congressman Barney Frank, actor Wilson Cruz, and Essence magazine Executive Editor Linda Villarosa. We hope you find what they say helpful.

How Do You Know?

There is no one way people realize that they are attracted to the same sex. Some always know it. Some learn it at puberty. Some figure it out it in college. Some recognize it only after getting married to someone of the opposite sex. But whenever the feelings come up, almost everyone wonders: How do I know if I'm really gay, lesbian or bisexual?

On the one hand, it's very simple: If your strongest emotional and sexual attractions are to people of the same sex, you're gay or lesbian. If they're equally strong to the same and the opposite sex, you're bisexual.

On the other hand, sexual orientation is confusing because most of us were raised to think of ourselves as heterosexual. Our parents, teachers and our culture told us that some day, we'd meet someone of the opposite sex and get married. No one ever said we might fall in love with someone of the same sex. That's why we're shocked when it happens.

Unless there's someone gay in your family, you probably never considered the possibility that you yourself might be lesbian or gay. Moreover, you probably have heard many negative stereotypes of gay and lesbian people - but most of these are based on erroneous or inadequate information; what you need are the facts.

THE FACTS ABOUT HOMOSEXUALITY

No one knows how many people are gay, lesbian or bisexual. The best estimates we currently have indicate that between 3 percent and 6 percent of the population is gay. However, even the most reputable estimates are colored by the fact that many people are afraid or unwilling to be identified as gay or lesbian, even in an anonymous survey. So the true number is probably even higher. But whatever the number, the facts are the same: 

1.Homosexuality is Not a Choice; Homosexuality Chooses You 
Some people say that homosexuality is a choice to discourage you from being in a gay or lesbian relationship. But think about it for a minute: Did you choose to have feelings of same-sex attraction? Why would you? The fact is: Homosexuality is not a choice any more than being left-handed or having blue eyes or being heterosexual is a choice. It's an orientation, a part of who you are. The choice is in deciding how to live your life. 
2.Gay People Are Mentally Healthy 
In the 1970s, the American Psychological Association and American Psychiatric Association revised their positions on homosexuality. Both determined that homosexuality is not a mental disorder. Nonetheless, some people might try to tell you that you are sick and that you need professional help to "change." There is no scientifically valid evidence that people can change their sexual orientations, although some people do repress it. But because being gay is not a disorder, there is really no reason to try change yourself. 

But it's OK to seek help in dealing with the confusing feelings you might be having about your sexual orientation. Coming out is a major life decision and as with reaching any other personal milestone, you might seek professional help through the process. Just remember: The anxiety you are feeling is probably the result of family or social prejudice against homosexuality, not homosexuality itself.
3.Being Gay or Lesbian is Natural
You've probably heard people say that men are "meant" to be with women, and women with men, that being gay or lesbian goes against nature and morality. But if homosexuality were unnatural, why would it occur, generation after generation, despite strong societal prohibitions? The fact is same-sex love has occurred throughout history, in every nation and culture on Earth. It is a natural variation among humans, and if you look hard enough, you'll probably also discover that it has occurred somewhere in your family's history. When people say homosexuality is unnatural, they mean it is against their preconceived idea of what is natural. 
4.Being Gay or Lesbian is Not a "Lifestyle," It's a Life
It's sometimes said that gay and lesbian people live a gay "lifestyle," a word chosen to trivialize us and to imply that all gay men and lesbians subscribe to the same values, characteristics and dreams. The fact is we're not all the samere two options in life: You can marry someone of the opposite sex and become a family or you can be gay or lesbian and be excluded from the definition of family. This is patently untrue and is a position perpetuated by religious political extremists who have a stake in portraying gay people as outside the mainstream. The fact is that lesbian or gay male couples are as much family as heterosexual couples. 

And if you dream about having children, you can do so if you're gay or lesbian. Many gay and lesbian couples have children through adoption, artificial insemination or previous relationships. Plus, all the scientific evidence to date shows the children of gay couples are just as likely to grow up happy and well-adjusted as the children of heterosexual relationships.
5.Gay Men and Lesbians Constitute Families
Some people talk as if there are two options in life: You can marry someone of the opposite sex and become a family or you can be gay or lesbian and be excluded from the definition of family. This is patently untrue and is a position perpetuated by religious political extremists who have a stake in portraying gay people as outside the mainstream. The fact is that lesbian or gay male couples are as much family as heterosexual couples. 

And if you dream about having children, you can do so if you're gay or lesbian. Many gay and lesbian couples have children through adoption, artificial insemination or previous relationships. Plus, all the scientific evidence to date shows the children of gay couples are just as likely to grow up happy and well-adjusted as the children of heterosexual relationships.
6.Some of the Most Talented People Are or Were Gay or Lesbian
If anyone ever suggests that your life won't add up to anything if you're gay, remind them that: Plato was a lover of men.  So were Michelangelo and Leonardo da Vinci. Bayard Rustin, a leader of the black civil rights movement, was gay. So were Oscar Wilde, Gertrude Stein, Marcel Proust and James Baldwin. Shakespeare wrote about a man's love for a man. Poet Emily Dickinson wrote about her love for a woman. 

More recently, musicians k.d. lang and Melissa Etheridge, and actresses Ellen DeGeneres and Amanda Bearse have come out as lesbian; and actors Wilson Cruz and Mitchell Anderson, record producer David Geffen, Olympic swimmer Greg Louganis and Olympic skater Rudy Galindo, and U.S. Rep. Barney Frank have come out as gay.

COMING OUT

Coming out means identifying yourself as gay, lesbian or bisexual. The first and toughest person you have to reveal this to is yourself. Then you can deal with friends and family. For many people, the coming out process is difficult. But most people come out because, sooner or later, they can't stand hiding who they are any more. Once they've come out, most people have to admit: It feels much better to be open and honest than to lie and hide.

Coming Out to Others

Some people come out when someone asks them if they're gay or lesbian. Others make a point of pulling people aside and saying, "There's something I have to tell you."

If you choose the latter option, ask yourself: "Who is the most open-minded and caring person I know who is also the least likely to be shocked, threatened or put off?" This might be a friend, a relative or a teacher. Tell that person you have questions about your sexual orientation, or you're trying to come to terms with your sexual orientation, and you'd like to talk. Say you've come to them because you trust them.

If you don't already know someone like this, consider talking to a school counselor, a therapist, or a member of a gay and lesbian student group. Gay-straight alliances exist in many high schools and colleges. There are support groups at most gay and lesbian community centers. Many communities have lesbian and gay switchboards. You might seek out nearby churches or synagogues that minister primarily to lesbians and gay men. And there are many gay youth and coming out sites on the World Wide Web, including the Human Rights Campaign's National Coming Out site, which you can access through http://www.hrc.org.

Taken from the Human Rights Campaign resource guide

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