I must, however, be fair. I admit it - it is unavoidable - the cognitive processes of this man do not lead to clear writing. Even his closest colleagues have professed the need of translation. Dr. D�, even as he suggested that the best way to maintain credibility was obscurity, acquiesced to their demands, and enlisted my services.
Though I do not wish to appear more conscious of my own merit than is right, you must see that my credentials are imperative considering the nature of my undertaking. As to the credentials themselves: I am certainly suited to this project. Both the quality of my writing, and the extent of my understanding must give their own accounts, but they have not been hindered by various degrees from Yale, Harvard, etc... nor by my personal acquaintance with the author, and the work which I shall attempt to paraphrase. I believe these things do sufficient credit to my authority, and shall now cease to sing my own praises.
Before I end this preface, I wish to acknowledge the debts which I owe to the following people: Charles Darwin, Bernard Shaw, etc... for debunking error and promoting reason which paved the way for the present work; Robert Minto, my personal secretary, to whom I faithfully dictated the entirety of these writings extant; and finally to Dr. D� without whom I would not be writing this preface.
Now, after tremendous hardship which I do not have the space to recount, they were nearing their goal. They were breaking through a last thin layer of rock which separated them from the mantle of this planet, which has hitherto been assumed to be an unusual concoction called �plastic rock.�
Dr. Johnson, the man with the pickaxe, brought it down with a final crack. Through the tiny hole he created, trickled a thin stream of liquid. He bent down with barely restrained excitement: He was about to directly observe a substance scientists had only conjectured to exist. Through the high-quality glass which comprised his helmet, though, a strange expression could be seen. He put his finger near the trickle and then held it to his eyes. Suddenly, he turned to his crew, �Jack,� he called to his mineralogist, �come here.� Together, the two men observed the liquid and then consulted together. Slowly, they faced the rest of the crew. �Men,� said the Dr. �prepare yourselves, it�s... Raspberry filling!�
Dr. Johnson�s discovery revolutionized the scientific society all over the world. It opened up whole new avenues of conjecture, and disproved a multitude of former presuppositions. You see, the substance which he had encountered was indeed raspberry filling - of the common or barnyard variety, often used in doughnuts. Humorists began to crack jokes which contained references to the Earth as a �doughnut hole.� Altogether it was very puzzling, and would not have been believed, except for the samples the men brought back - evidence which could not be denied.
Even while the world marveled, another development clouded the clear field of paleontology. Voyager IV, a satellite let loose some years ago upon the galaxy, observed a phenomenon which resembled the rings around Mercury, without Mercury. Upon closer examination, it proved to be nothing less than a cosmic doughnut with (as we later found) a bite out of the far side.
Naturally, these discoveries were linked for their shared �culinary� aspect. My colleagues and I were mystified - nothing in all of history had prepared us for these revelations. We did not know how to proceed: how these things could be made to fit into our views of the world. And then we found a tooth in the doughnut. This, of course, cleared up everything since, as you know, we paleontologists can solve any mystery given the proper body-parts. I can now, without fearing the accusation of error, present to you the probable scenario, or setting, which these discoveries have provided, of the earliest imaginable time - namely, the beginning of the world:
�In the beginning was a doughnut. We have no conclusive evidence that anything else existed, except the large purple monster from whence came the tooth. In any case, this doughnut was stuffed with raspberry filling and topped with white frosting (I call it white frosting, but in fact it was the same stuff that comprises our crust and lithosphere) the hole was still in it. A very tasty morsel it was, but for a long time the Purple Monster was able to resist it. What he lived on, is something even the tooth cannot tell.
�As time wore on, the monster began to perceive certain desirable qualities in the doughnut - for instance, he had a peculiar craving for raspberry filling, white frosting, and well-done pastry, all of which qualities were embodied therein. Furthermore, the passage of time tended to impress him with the emptiness of his own stomach - a void, it would seem, easily remedied. At last, his own carnal lusts got the better of him, and he approached the cosmic doughnut intent on gluttonous consumption. His massive mouth opened impressively, and snapped over the choice morsel.
�Poor purple monster! In his hunger, he had neglected basic chemistry; he had forgotten pastry�s tendency to harden over time. The doughnut was nearly petrified, and his teeth were not. Naturally enough, the weaker substance succumbed to the greater: one of the monster�s teeth (the very same we found) was irreplaceably lodged within the granite dessert. The shock of these two cosmic beings, profound enough to the monster, is utterly unimaginable to our own finite minds. So, it must suffice that is was powerful enough to shake loose crumbs from the doughnut (each as large as an entire galaxy) as well as dislodge the hole.�
Now we must leave the doughnut, and the monster, neither having further part in the history of our kind. However, if you will visit the museum of natural history - in Washington D. C. - you can find a scaled down model of both, in the exhibit which features the ground-breaking work of Dr. D.�
Only one question should now agitate your mind. And that, I presume, is how we came to play a part in this massive recipe. As in all other areas, Dr. D� has provided an irrefutable answer to all perplexity. And it is this:
�As the purple monster grabbed his jaw in the classic I�ve-lost-a-tooth manner, the crumbs from that first cosmic interaction of those first cosmic beings were strewn all about the universe. Such was the power of his subsequent contortions, that they gave the crumbs a momentary impetus, which, by some sort of luck, cast them into the present order of things. Slowly, if any qualitative adjective referring to the first dimension can be ventured before modern human observation, the years passed without any further activity on anybody�s part. But eventually, on one of the crumbs which is now our own Earth, another aspect of culinary chemistry surfaced. And that is mold.
�A thick layer of the stuff (I call it �stuff� since the exact variety is unknown) grew all around it due to overexposure to the elements. Now mold is life, and life, except for the purple monster, had hitherto been unknown. So, I might probably say, neglect is the greatest originator of life - I beg you to test this theory and leave a banana open on the counter: then, in a few weeks, consider all the life. Truly, philosophy cannot top this.
�In any case, this mold, in order survive, began evolving - that, if you don�t know, refers to a power we have since lost of changing ourselves to fit the environment - first it became a fish. But there was no water yet, so it became a camel complete with filled hump. But there were no deserts, so it became a saber-toothed tiger. But there was nothing to eat, so it became a lump on a log. Unfortunately, there were not yet any logs, so it became a frog. It�s lily-pad sunk, so it became a monkey. Ah! A monkey! That was a good form - ugly, but useful. So, then and there, evolution stopped. Along the way, it had left various herds of it�s previous skins, so to speak. That�s how we have all the different species.
�You are probably wondering: How in the world did evolution stop with a monkey; what about us? Well, you see, we�re one of the species dropped along the way, and the monkey is the highest form of evultion. What was that? What species were we? Why, the mold, of course.�
It is my place, however, to show how our amazing history can enervate... excuse me: energize us to improvement. Really - doesn�t a heritage like this stir your very blood? Consider a blob of slime so anxious to pull itself up, that it abandons it�s familiar shape. Further, consider that you, yourself, have descend directly from this enterprising, if gelatinous, mass. Is there anything more ennobling than a great heritage?
