STARS AND BARS FOREVER
A very “Tongue-in-Cheek” Alternate History Timeline
by Robert Perkins
DISCLAIMER
The following timeline is not intended to be taken seriously. It was inspired by various debates I have had, especially with
members of AlternateHistory.com, with those who feel the Confederacy is the root of all evil, that the South was committed
to extending slavery into the Free States of the North, and that if the Confederacy had won, they would never abandon slavery
and that horrid institution would continue to exist right up the present day. Okay...so let's take all those assumptions and
a bit of inspiration from Harry Harrison's utterly implausible STARS AND STRIPES series, and blend them to see just how BAD
it could be. Some viewers may find some of the language used in this timeline offensive...if you are one of these, consider
yourself warned. However, if we are going to posit a totally evil Confederacy, they should talk totally evilly, don't you think?
And twirl their evil mustaches, too. Anyway, enjoy this timeline for the dark humor that it is intended to be.
1865--Confederate General Robert E. Lee's attack on Fort Steadman succeeds...far
better than he ever expected. Seeing the obviously superior Confederate troops
coming at them, Union General Ulysses Grant's band of worthless bounty-jumpers
and foreign mercenaries flees for the hills. Lee marches into Washington
unopposed one week later. Britain and France immediately recognize the
Confederacy and declare war on the Union. Seeing that the end is inevitable,
President Abraham Lincoln formally surrenders to the Confederacy, then commits
suicide. End of the war.
1866--The Northern States individually secede from the Union and apply for
admission into the Confederacy. The Confederacy, although reluctant to take in
all those damnyankees, accepts the Northern States. The Northern States, as a
condition of admission, agree to round up all the free blacks living within
their borders and let Nathan Bedford Forrest sell them into slavery. Also in
this year, the Confederacy, whose leaders greatly admire the dashing and
evil-looking mustache sported by Emperor Napoleon III of France, signs an
agreement allowing Napoleon to formally annex Mexico to France.
1867--President Jefferson Davis grows an appropriately Napoleonic evil-looking
mustache, so he can twirl it while signing into law a bill which enslaves white
Northern factory workers. This Confederate Social Security Act, as it is called,
is passed by the Confederate Congress, which was appalled at the horrible
conditions under which Northern workers were forced to labor. "The
worst-treated of our niggers is treated better than the best of those poor
wretches," thundered Senator Louis Wigfall of Texas during one of the
debates leading to passage of the bill. Citing the fact that Northern workers
can be fired at will by their owners, causing them and their families to end up
as beggars on the streets, supporters of the Confederate Social Security Act
argue that enslaving them will give them the job security and care in their old
age now enjoyed by happy Southern slaves.
1868--Governor Robert E. Lee of Virginia is elected the second President of the
Confederacy.
1869--The Confederacy amends it's Constitution to
allow the importation of slaves from Africa. The Confederacy sends troops
to Liberia, which they conquer. The population of Liberia is
enslaved. An international crisis results as Britain protests and begins
mobilizing it's military forces. Confederate diplomats manage to prevent
the crisis from boiling over into war, but relations between Britain and the
Confederacy remain icy.
1870--President Lee, who has, following the example of former President Davis,
grown a long and evil-looking mustache (now a required attribute of a
Confederate President), demands that Britain surrender all the blacks living in
Canada, claiming them to be runaways from American slaveowners and
therefore American property. Incensed by this latest outrage, Britain
declares war on the Confedeacy. The Confederacy reciprocates. In a lightning campaign, Confederate armies lead by Nathan Bedford Forrest,
James Longstreet, and William T. Sherman gobble up Canada in less than six
months. The immensely powerful Confederate ironclad navy sinks the Royal Navy
when it dares to approach Confederate shores. President Lee dies in October, and
is replaced by Vice President Louis Wigfall. Wigfall has already been
cultivating the required mustache, knowing that Lee was in ill health.
1871--A Confederate invasion fleet lands in Ireland and conquers it. A British
counter-invasion is repelled with heavy losses. Confederate ironclads blockade
all of Britain's seaports.
1872--A Confederate invasion force lead by Philip Sheridan and Nathan Bedford
Forrest lands in Britain. The island, weakened by famine caused by the crippling
Confederate blockade, falls after only feeble resistance. Queen Victoria
formally surrenders the British Empire to the Confederacy, then commits suicide.
The war ends. Britain, Ireland, and Canada are admitted into the Confederacy as
States. The rest of the British Empire is held as colonial dependencies of the
Confederacy.
1873--Seeing the appalling conditions in British factories, the Confederate
Congress extends the Confederate Social Security Act to the newly conquered
lands, enslaving factory workers throughout the former British Empire. The
Confederacy also re-enslaves the black populations of the Caribbean sugar
islands and other British colonies where slavery was abolished in the 1830s.
There are some bloody rebellions over this, but they are crushed by the
righteous might of the Confederacy. President Wigfall almost twirls his mustache
right off his face.
1874--Governor Nathan Bedford Forrest of Tennessee is elected President of the
Confederacy and grows an appropriately evil-looking mustache.
1875--The Confederacy, Spain, and Brazil sign a treaty recognizing each other's
right to import slaves from Africa. These powers become known as the Slavers
Convention. They set up naval patrols off the African coast to discourage any
other powers from interfering with Confederate, Brazilian, or Spanish slave
ships.
1876--The Republican government of France protests the action of the Slavers
Convention, as the signatories of the 1875 treaty are called, and calls for an
immediate cession of the African slave trade. In reaction, President Forrest
asks Congress for a declaration of war on France. Before the Confederate
Congress can even vote, at the mere suggestion of war, the French immediately
surrender. French President Patrice MacMahon and Prime Minister Louis Buffet
both commit suicide. The Confederacy admits France as a State later that year.
The colonies of the French Empire, like those of the British Empire, become
colonial dependencies of the Confederate States of America.
1877--The Confederate Social Security system is extended throughout the former
French Empire. President Forrest dies, and is replaced by Vice President William
Clarke Quantrill. Quantrill, a former Senator from Missouri, already has the
Presidential Mustache.
1880--President Quantrill runs for, and wins, his own term as President of the
Confederacy. Tsar Alexander II of Russia, seeing the superior economy formed
under the Confederate system, decides to enslave all the former serfs. He also
enslaves Russian factory workers. When there is an attempted revolt, Alexander
asks President Quantrill for assistance. Confederate troops help the Tsar's men
put down the rebellions. The Tsar joins the Slavers Convention and signs a
treaty of perpetual alliance between Russia and the Confederacy.
1881-1885--President Quantrill and Tsar Alexander jointly decide to spread the
benefits of the Confederate system to the rest of Europe. After a four year war,
the rest of Europe is conquered. Kaiser Wilhelm of Germany, Emperor Franz Joseph
of Austria, and all the other rulers of Europe surrender and commit suicide. The
European countries are divided between Russia and the Confederacy. Those taken
by the Confederacy are admitted as States.
1886--Governor John Wilkes Booth of Kentucky is elected President of the
Confederacy. Booth already has the required mustache. During the Booth
Presidency, the annoying little nations of Latin America are brought into the
benevolent Confederate fold. Most of their populations are enslaved, having
proved themselves unfit for freedom through the history of misgovernment which
has afflicted the region prior to the Confederate annexation.
1892--Senator John Wesley Hardin of Texas is elected President of the
Confederacy. During his term, alliances with the slave-holding Muslim nations of
the Middle East and Africa are forged. Hardin also oversees passage of laws
designed to make slavery a more humane institution. Laws are passed restricting
the number of whippings which may be administered to slaves each day, and the
number of lashes which can be administered during each whipping. A second law
requires that masters acquire a Breeder’s License, for a hefty fee, before
being allowed to sexually exploit their female slaves (this law is hoped to
moderate the insatiable sexual frolicking in the slave quarters by masters which
is becoming an embarrassment internationally). “By signing these bills into
law,” President Hardin declares, “I hope to create a kinder, gentler slavery
for our great Confederacy which will serve as an example to the world.”
1895--Tsar Alexander II dies. He is succeeded by
his son, Grand Duke Vladimir Alexandrovich, who reigns as Tsar Vladimir I.
1898--Governor George Washington Gordon of Tennessee is elected President of the
Confederacy. President Gordon breaks with tradition and refused to grow the
traditional Presidential evil mustache. He does, however, grow a devilish
goatee, which works about as well.
1900-1901--The Boxer Rebellion in China is put down by forces of the
Confederacy, Russia, and Japan. China is divided between the three powers. The
Confederacy and Russia enslave much of the population of those portions they
annex. Japan follows suit.
1900-1980--Confederate medical science makes huge
advances by using expendable slaves as test subjects for experiments on new
surgical procedures, new drugs, radiation therapy, and other medical wonder
cures. The practice is ended in 1980 because the need for slaves to work the
mines in the ever growing colonies on the Moon and on Mars is making the wastage
of slaves in medical research too impractical to continue. Reluctantly, the
scientists begin using animals for experimentation instead. Especially
baby harp seals and other cute, furry ones.
1902--Japan joins the Slaver's Convention.
1904--Senator Thomas Dixon of North Carolina is elected President of the
Confederacy. Dixon returns to the traditional Presidential Mustache.
1905--President Dixon orders Confederate forces to occupy Brazil (even though it
is a member of the Slaver Convention), and Haiti.
Russo-Japanese War. With Confederate approval and support, Russia conquers Japan
(President Dixon never liked having the Confederacy allied with "Degenerate
Yellow People").
1906--Confederate forces invade and conquer Siam, the last independent country
in east Asia.
1909--Tsar Vladimir I of Russia dies, and is
succeeded by his son, Grand Duke Cyril Vladimirovich, who reigns as Tsar Cyril
I.
1910--Senator Woodrow Wilson of Virginia is elected President of the
Confederacy. Wilson refuses to grow either mustache or goatee, as facial hair is
going out of fashion.
1911--Confederate forces conquer Ethiopia, the
last remaining independent nation in Africa. All of Africa (save a
few regions under the control of Spain) now labors...literally as well as
figuratively...under the Stars and Bars.
1916--Governor William Joseph Simmons of Georgia is elected President of the
Confederacy. He grows the traditional Presidential Mustache.
1917-1929--The First Great War between Russia and the Confederacy. Russia makes
a grab for the independent Muslim slaveholding states. President Simmons
declares war. In a titanic struggle, the two sides fight themselves to a
standstill. Over 40 million people die worldwide. Exhausted, the two powers
agree on a peace based on status quo ante bellum in 1929.
1922--Senator Thomas E. Watson of Georgia is elected President of the
Confederacy. He adopts the traditional Presidential mustache.
1928--Governor Edward Jackson of Indiana is elected President of the
Confederacy. He, too, adopts the traditional Presidential mustache.
1934--Senator David Curtiss Stephenson of Indiana is elected President of the
Confederacy, defeating a strong challenge by Senator Winston Churchill of
England (the first and only time in history a non-American seriously was
considered for the Presidency of the Confederacy). He adopts a Presidential
Goatee instead of a mustache.
1938--Tsar Cyril of Russia dies. He is succeeded
by his son, Vladimir Kyrilovich, who reigns as Tsar Vladimir II.
1939-1945--The Second Great War between Russia and the Confederacy. Once again,
the fighting is inconclusive, but extremely destructive. 80 million die before a
peace treaty based on status quo ante bellum is once again adopted.
1942--President David Curtiss Stephenson, having pushed through a Constitutional
amendment to allow him to run for multiple terms, is elected to a second term as
President of the Confederacy.
1945-1991--Cold War between Russia and the Confederacy. Although several major
international crises will threaten to explode into open hostilities, the huge
casualties of the Second Great War, along with the discovery of atomic (and
later nuclear) weapons in the 1950s, prevents war from breaking out between the
superpowers. But both engage in a deadly arms race and fierce competition in the
scientific fields, and technology advances rapidly during these years.
1947--The Suez Crisis breaks out when Russia threatens to shut off Confederate access to the Suez Canal. Both sides go to full military alert, but in the end, Russia backs down, and peace is maintained.
1948--David Curtiss Stephenson is elected to a third term as President of the Confederacy.
1951--Confederate scientists develop an atomic bomb.
1953--Russian scientists develop an atomic bomb.
1954--Governor James Colescott of Indiana is elected President of the
Confederacy. He adopts the traditional Presidential mustache. Colescott, during
his campaign, loudly called for Confederate annexation of Cuba. This is noted by
the Spanish Government.
1955--President Colescott of the Confederacy sends negotiators to Spain to bargain for the right to purchase Cuba. The Spanish play along to buy time, but have no intention of selling. The negotiations drag on, but go nowhere.
1958--Russia launches an artificial satellite into space. Beginning of the Space Race between Russia and the Confederacy. President Colescott, upset at the Spanish stalling tactics being used in the Cuban negotiations, makes a speech to the Confederate Congress in which he says, “Beware to those who would try our patience. It is not infinite.”
1959--Confederate and Russian scientists develop
hydrogen bombs. The Confederacy launches a satellite into space. Spain, which
fears the Confederacy‘s new belligerent stance, signs a Mutual Defense Pact
with Russia.
1960--James Colescott is elected to a second term as Confederate President.
Russia and the Confederacy launch capsules containing expendable slaves into
space to test whether or not humans can survive there. Both capsules demonstrate
that it is possible for humans to survive in space. Not needing the capsules
themselves anymore, both capsules are allowed to burn up on re-entry into earth
orbit. Both the Confederacy and Russia begin deploying intercontinental
ballistic missiles. The threat posed by the awesomely destructive weapons will
create a “balance of terror” between the two superpowers which will prevent
war from breaking out between them.
1961--The Confederacy successfully sends a man into orbit around the earth. Captain Robert E. Lee IV orbits the earth three times before being returned to the earth safely. His capsule splashes down safely in the Atlantic Ocean.
1962--Russia successfully sends a man into orbit
around the earth. The Cuban Crisis, in which Russia reaches an agreement with
Spain…which has no nuclear weapons and fears that the Confederacy has designs
on the island…to allow it to base medium range nuclear missiles on Cuba. The
two superpowers come within a hair’s breadth of all-out nuclear exchange, but
again, Russia blinks. The missiles are withdrawn in exchange for a Confederate
guarantee not to invade Cuba or any other Spanish territory.
1966--Senator Robert Shelton of North Carolina is elected as President of the
Confederacy. He adopts the traditional Presidential Mustache.
1967--The first man to walk on the moon is Colonel J.E.B. Stuart IV, commanding the spacecraft DIXIE 11. Russia lands a man on the moon later that same year.
1968--The spacecraft DIXIE 13, having
completed another successful moon landing, burns up in the atmosphere on it’s
return to Earth. The Confederacy is plunged into national mourning. The
inspiring words of President Shelton, in his address to the nation the following
day, electrifies the nation. “Let us not allow this tragedy to divert us from
our ultimate goal, which is that this great Confederacy shall have it’s
rightful place in outer space,” Shelton says. “Let us instead dedicate
ourselves to seeing that these brave men shall not have died in vain, and
declare our intention to establish a fully functional colony on the Moon within
the next decade, and on Mars within the next two decades. We shall extend the
gift of slavery into the firmament of the heavens, to please the God which
created us all, Master and Slave.” Shelton’s Challenge Speech, as it comes
to be known, will prove one of the most influential in human history.
1972--Robert Shelton is elected for a second term as President of the
Confederacy.
1973--Agents of Tsar Vladimir II of Russia engineer a pro-Russian coup in Persia, threatening to take that oil-rich state out of it’s long-time alliance with the Confederacy. An international crisis develops which again threatens war. But cooler heads prevail, and the Confederacy contents itself with supplying arms to the Iranian rebels which conduct a guerilla war against the new pro-Russian government.
1974--The Confederacy establishes a colony on the moon for the purpose of mining lunar resources. It is manned mostly by expendable slave laborers.
1976--Russia establishes a colony on the moon.
Like that of the Confederacy, Russia’s colony is manned mostly by slaves.
1978--Robert Shelton is elected for a third term as President of the
Confederacy.
1979--A major accident at the Russian Lunar colony vents the atmosphere into space. All 2,000 slaves at the Russian colony perish instantly. Walter Cronkite, commenting for the Confederate Broadcasting System (C.B.S.) declares, “This just goes to show what comes from the Russian practice of using worthless Chinamen instead of niggers in their colony. Our darkies would never make a mistake like that.” By the end of the year, the atmosphere of the Russian colony has been replenished and more slaves are transported up to work the mines.
1982--The Confederacy lands a man on Mars. Captain Buford Earl Clemmens, commanding the mission, says profoundly, “Looks just like Georgia red clay ‘round here. All we need are some cotton fields and some darkies, and it’d be just like home.”
1983--Russia lands a man on Mars. Tsar Vladimir II dies in an auto accident. He is succeeded by his son, Grand Duke Paul Vladimirovich, who reigns as Tsar Paul II. Paul II is somewhat of a Confederophile, and works to reduce tensions between his empire and the Confederacy. He is faced with much opposition from within Russia itself, where long memories of the two Great Wars have long colored opinions about the Confederacy. Therefore, tensions will remain high for a while.
1984--Governor David Duke of Louisiana is elected
President of the Confederacy. He adopts the traditional Presidential Mustache.
The Confederacy establishes a colony on Mars. Like the lunar colony, it is
manned primarily by slaves.
1985--President Duke pushes through a constitutional amendment creating the
office of President for Life. He is, of course, shortly afterward elected to
this office, in which he serves to this day.
1986--Pro-Confederate rebels oust the pro-Russian government of Persia. Another international crisis blooms, but in this case, does not seriously threaten war. Tsar Paul II signs an agreement with President Duke recognizing the new Persian government.
1988--Russia establishes a colony on Mars, manned by slaves.
1991--The Russian government collapses following a major slave rebellion in the 1990s. Tsar Paul II and most of the rest of the Russian Imperial Family are murdered by rebel slaves. The Confederacy marches in to pick up the pieces, effectively unifying the world under the Stars and Bars. The rebel slaves are crushed, with hundreds of thousands being executed in the aftermath. The Confederate Congress passes a resolution to officially rename the Confederacy as The Confederate States of Earth (C.S.E.).
2001--A Confederate scientist, working on a new improved type of fertilizer for Confederate cotton fields, accidentally discovers antimatter. By the end of the year, Confederate aircraft companies have taken this new fuel source and developed a Faster-than-Light (FTL) engine for Confederate spacecraft.
2001-2004--Confederate exploration of nearby stars reveals no habitable planets, except one. In 2004, the fourth planet orbiting the star Beta Hydri is discovered to be inhabited by a civilization of blue-skinned humanoid creatures who have advanced to a roughly mid-19th century level of technology. To the shock of the Confederates, the incredibly naïve inhabitants of the planet…dubbed “Yankees” because of their blue skin…have never practiced slavery among themselves. The Confederate government, hating to see any civilization deny itself the undeniable benefits of chattel slavery, decides to take the planet and it’s inhabitants into it’s benevolent embrace. Plans for the invasion begin immediately.
2005--A Confederate Conquest Fleet (C.C.F.) of 250 huge interstellar FTL-powered spacecraft, each carrying over 100,000 men and supporting equipment, lands an army of 20 million men, supported by tanks, modern fighter and bomber aircraft, and even nuclear weapons, on Beta Hydri IV. In a brutal campaign lasting almost six months, the Confederates crush all resistance on the planet. By the end of the year, the inhabitants are under the benevolent rule of the Confederacy, and most of them are benefiting from being included in the Confederate Social Security System. The Confederate Congress renames the Confederate States of Earth, and the Confederate Star Empire is born. The C.S.E. doesn’t even have to change the initials painted on it’s spacecraft and other military equipment, saving a great deal of money for the military budget (a major selling point for the Confederate Congress in choosing the new name).
2009--Another inhabited planet has been discovered. Like the civilization on Beta Hydri IV, that on the third planet found circling around Kappa Ceti is composed of humanoids, this time of a semi-reptilian type with dull green skin. Unlike that of Beta Hydri IV, it’s civilization has not advanced into the industrial age as of yet. However, the inhabitants of Kappa Ceti III do practice slavery. Despite this, it has been decided to bring the backward inhabitants of Kappa Ceti III into the Confederate fold. Preparations for the invasion are underway.
Copyright 2009 by Robert Perkins. All Rights Reserved. Last Updated on 3 January 2009.