Lorelai: Hey, I have kind of a crazy idea.
Rory: Those are never comforting words coming from you.
Rory: Mom?
Lorelai: Oh.
Rory: You're happy.
Lorelai: Yeah.
Rory: Did you do something slutty?
Lorelai: I'm not that happy.
Lorelai: Heh, you know what I just realized? "Oy" is the funniest word in the entire world.
Rory: Hmm.
Lorelai: I mean think about it, you never hear the word "oy" and not smile. Impossible. Funny, funny word.
Emily: Oh dear God.
Lorelai: "Poodle" is another funny word.
Emily: Please drink your drink, Lorelai.
Lorelai: In fact, if you put "oy" and "poodle" together, in the same sentence, you'd have a great new catchphrase, you know? Like, "Oy with the poodles already."
Rory: Hehe.
Lorelai: So from now on, when the perfect circumstances arise, we will use our favorite new catchphrase:
Rory: Oy with the poodles already.
Lorelai: I'm telling you, it's knocking "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" right out of first place.
[Lorelai's having Rory]
Young Lorelai: Okay, this is a big pain and I'd really like it to go away, please.
Nurse: Just breathe deep, honey.
Young Lorelai: Breathing doesn't help, can I hit you instead?
Nurse: What?
Young Lorelai: Or pinch you really hard, 'cause that might make me feel better.
Nurse: No, you cannot hit me.
Young Lorelai: Can I bite you or pull your hair or use the Epilady on you 'cause I really need to do something.
Rory: Do something to make me hate you!
Lorelai: Um, go Hitler?
Man on LOUDSPEAKER: The banana-eating contest is about to start on the upper level.
Paris: Oh, real food. Thank God.
Rory: Um... Paris.
...later...
Paris: I must be crazy for thinking a banana-eating contest was about eating a banana!
Dave: What we need is a name.
Brian: I made my suggestion.
Zach: Yeah, and we vetoed 'The Harry Potters.' Next.
Brian: So yours is better?
Zach: 'Follow Them to the Edge of the Dessert' is memorable and classy.
Brian: I run out of breath every time I say it.
Zach: You've got asthma, dude. You run out of breath saying your name.
Dave: Yeah, Brian, we can't work our name around your respiratory illnesses.
Brian: Even without an inhaler, 'Follow Them to the Edge of the Dessert' is too long.
Zach: Yeah, but when we get famous, our fans will shorten it to FTTTEOTD.
Dave: You're drunk.
Lane: No, I'm... am I?
Dave: We're going on in five minutes. Can you even play?
Lane: Oh, I can hit the sticks on those brums.
Dave: Great, great, but what about the drums?
Brian: [discussing names for the band] How about "The We"?
Zach: We?
Brian: Yeah. We are "The We."
Zach: I can't talk about this any more.
[Lorelai has to model in a charity event for Booster Club that her mother made her get involved in]
Lorelai: Ugh, they totally just snuck that modeling thing in.
Rory: Hmm, my mom's a model. Maybe you'll get to date Leonardo DiCaprio now.
Lorelai: Plus, now I have to plan the whole stupid thing.
Rory: Lorelai Gilmore. Nope, doesn't sound model-y enough. You need something that stands out more. How about Waffle. We could call you Waffle and say you're from Belgium.
Lorelai: [dialing on her cell phone] Okay, I'm crabby, I need to do something about it.
[on phone]
Lorelai: Hey Mom!
Emily: Well, hello.
Lorelai: So I went to my first Booster meeting last night, did Bitty tell you?
Emily: No, she did not.
Lorelai: Oh, well, maybe she's still stuck under that desk. You might want to send someone out there to look.
Emily: Well, it's certainly nice to hear you finally getting involved.
Lorelai: Yes, in fact we're planning a charity fashion show next weekend, and I volunteered to organize it.
Emily: Well, good for you.
Lorelai: Yes, and since I know how concerned you are about how Rory's perceived at Chilton, I knew you'd want to be involved somehow, so you're gonna be one of the models.
Emily: Excuse me?
Lorelai: Yeah, so it's next Saturday, be there at four, and we'll provide hair and makeup.
Emily: Lorelai, you can't be serious.
Lorelai: Oh, and we'll need your measurements also.
Emily: This is ridiculous.
Lorelai: Mom. You said you wanted me to be involved. Well, I'm involved, now don't you want to do your part to ensure Rory's future?
Emily: All right.
Lorelai: Start measuring.
[hangs up]
Rory: You feel better now?
Lorelai: Waffle's very happy.
Lorelai: I love ranting Luke.
Dave: A few weeks ago you told me that Lane had a crush on me. Well, I have a crush on her, too. Now, I know you have very strict rules about dating and boys, but I just want you to know that I'm a good person. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I've never gotten a ticket, I'm healthy, I take care of myself, I floss. I never watch more than 30 minutes of television a night partly because I think it's a waste of time and partly because there's nothing on. I respect my parents, I do well in school, I never play video games in case they do someday prove that playing them can turn you into a serial killer. I don't drink coffee. I hate soda because the carbonation freaks me out. I'm happy to give up meat if you feel strongly about it. I don't mind wearing a tie. I enjoy playing those hymns on my guitar, and I really, really want to take your daughter to the prom.
[Mrs. Kim doesnt say anything]
Dave: Mrs. Kim? Please don't make me repeat that list again.
Mrs. Kim: Let never day nor night unhallow'd pass, but still remember what the Lord hath done.
Dave: Okay, thank you.
[Dave and Lane walk outside]
Dave: Did you hear what she said?
Lane: Yes, I did.
Dave: What did it mean?
Lane: I don't know.
Dave: Was it a yes, was it a no?
Lane: I'm not sure.
Dave: Well, it's gotta be from the bible, right? So I'll just go home, do some research, look on the Internet, see what I can find. I'll call you when I know something.
[the next day, David confronts Mrs. Kim]
Dave: I stayed up all night. I read the entire Bible cover to cover. I don't know what it means.
Mrs. Kim: David...
Dave: You have to tell me what it means. Is it "yes?" Is it "no?" I can't feel my right elbow any more. I don't even know why, but I... I can't.
Mrs. Kim: David!
Dave: [pleading] Please. Just tell me. I'm so tired.
Mrs. Kim: It's not from the Bible.
Dave: What?
Mrs. Kim: It's Shakespeare. Hevry VIth. I like to goof off now and then too, you know.
Dave: Shakespeare?
Mrs. Kim: That is a very difficult thing to do, reading the Bible in one night. I myself have only done it three times. You need great determination and excellent light. I'm very impressed.
Dave: [he looks at her expectantly]
Mrs. Kim: All right.
Dave: All right what?
Mrs. Kim: You can go to the prom, but you can not get married.
Dave: That seems fair to me.
Michel: Well, you know what happens when you assume.
Lorelai: What?
Michel: I don't know. Something about a donkey. It is a stupid American phrase.
Rory: What's with the carrots?
Lorelai: I was afraid you weren't eating well at school.
Rory: Ohhh.
Lorelai: Marshmallow?
Rory: I have to perform Act Five of "Romeo and Juliet" with Paris, Madeline and Louise.
Lorelai: Really?
Rory: Paris has appointed herself as director.
Lorelai: Nice. What part are you playing?
Rory: I don't know yet. She's still mulling over the screen tests right now. We're gonna find out tomorrow.
Lorelai: Screen tests?
Rory: 24 takes.
Lorelai: Ah, I so want a copy.
Rory: Forget it.
Lorelai: Sell it on the Internet, make a fortune. 'First we brought you Pamela and Tommy Lee, now prepare yourselves for the crazy antics of Rory and the Bard.'
Rory: Oh, and I told Paris that you would make all of our costumes so she wants to have a concept meeting with you tomorrow at three.
Lorelai: What?
Rory: Yeah, she needs a resume and samples of your previous work and, uh, referrals.
Lorelai: And my bare butt to kiss?
Rory: If you think that will set you apart from the other applicants, yes.
[At the Yale-Harvard football game]
Lorelai: Oh, wait, are you Pennilyn Lott, my dad's college sweetheart?
Pennilyn Lott: Yes.
Lorelai: You're my almost-mommy.
Pennilyn Lott: Well, I supposed that's one way of putting it...
Lorelai: I'm so glad to finally meet you. Let me ask you something - would you have let me get a pony?
Richard: One night in the hallway does not a true naked guy make, my friend.
Lorelai: So, apparently, I'm now the Reigning Lorelai.
Rory: Huh. I guess you are.
Lorelai: It's a lot of responsibility.
Rory: Well, sure.
Lorelai: I mean, it's mostly ceremonial stuff nowadays. Declaring knighthoods, opening supermarkets. But now and then, you get to banish someone or pose for a stamp.
Rory: Neat. And coins.
Lorelai: Yeah, and coins. You know, someday you'll be the Reigning Lorelai.
Rory: I don't like that idea!
Lorelai: Why not? You get a cape.
Rory: Because if I'm the Reigning Lorelai, then that means you'll be gone.
Lorelai: Gone? No, not me. I'll step down way before that. I'm not going to pull a Queen Elizabeth on you, make you wait around forever, force you to develop interests in polo and architecture.
Rory: I am scared of horses.
Lorelai: I know that.
Rory: So there's a cape, huh?
Rory: [after Paris very bluntly breaks up with her boyfriend over the phone] That had the tact of a Nazi storm trooper.
Lorelai: What happened? The reception on the phone sucked. All I heard was "Rory" and "Chilton" and "Get down here." Whose butt do I have to kick?
Rory: We didn't go to breakfast.
Lorelai: What are you talking about?
Rory: We came here. They broke into the headmaster's office as the big initiation.
Lorelai: Ugh, those stupid girls.
Rory: Uh huh. Part of the initiation was ringing a bell. So, that's what I was doing when security showed up and they called you.
Lorelai: That's what you got busted for? That's it? Bell-ringing?
Rory: Yes.
Lorelai: Were you at least smoking a Cuban cigar while you were doing it?
Rory: Mom.
Lorelai: No, I mean, "bad girl, how many times have I told you not to ring bells?"
Rory: [interrupting] Let's go.
Lorelai: [continuing] "They can dent, or scratch, and they make dogs go crazy. Who do you think you are, the Hunchback of Notre Dame? Are you French? Circular? I don't think so."
Rory: I'm walking to the car now.
Lorelai: [later] Was it a big bell at least?
Emily: You traded my Baccarat candlesticks for a sneering, slightly pornographic monkey lamp?
Lorelai: So, let me get this straight. Uh, you and some guys who actually know what they're doing are gonna come over and fix my house, and I can pay them back whenever I want?
Luke: That's right.
Lorelai: 'Cause I'm Tony Soprano?
Luke: Only scarier.
Logan: Rory, you're special.
Rory: Like "stop-eating-the-paste" special?
Sookie: Okay, here we go. Low fat, whole wheat blueberry pancakes.
Michel: Are there 12?
Sookie: 12 what?
Michel: Blueberries. I can only have 12 blueberries for breakfast.
Sookie: Or what?
Michel: What do you mean, or what?
Sookie: What happens if you eat 13 blueberries?
Michel: This is a silly conversation.
Sookie: Would you die?
Michel: Just hand me the plate.
Sookie: Only if you don't count.
Michel: I won't count.
Sookie: Swear. Raise your right hand and say, 'May Destiny's Child break up if I count these blueberries.'
Michel: [raises his hand] ... Pick another group.
Sookie: Nope.
Michel: [slams hand down] I hate you! Hate you!
Richard: Focus, please.
Lorelai: I am a camera.
Michel: I feel like crap on toast.
Luke: [alarm goes off] Sorry, I forgot to turn the alarm off.
Lorelai: Bad alarm. Bad, bad alarm.
[pause]
Lorelai: What time is it?
Luke: Early.
Lorelai: Hate early. Must kill early.
[pause]
Lorelai: Okay, gotta get up.
Luke: Why?
Lorelai: Work. Inn. Buy shoes. Oh, my God, I can't move. I need coffee.
Lorelai: [after talking to her mother on her cell phone] *Your* fault.
Luke: How is that *my* fault?
Lorelai: Because you preoccupied me with all your yammering about the meeting so I wasn't thinking and I didn't check to see who was calling before I answered! Boy, it's nice to finally have someone to blame.
Lorelai: Mom, it's just a pretend wedding. J-Lo has them all the time.
Lorelai: My shoe broke! I need you to fix it!
Luke: Do I look like a cobbler to you?
Lorelai: If I say yes, will you fix it?
Taylor: [Luke won't give out free coffee at the dance marathon] You would knock the crutch out from under Tiny Tim, wouldn't you?
Luke: If he asked for a free cup of coffee, Gimpy's goin' down.
[Lorelai answers her cell phone]
Lorelai: Hello?
Emily: You get over here right now!
Lorelai: Who is this?
Emily: This is you in twenty years! "Who is this?", I swear!
Emily: You were on the phone?
Richard: Long distance.
Lorelai: God?
Richard: London.
Lorelai: God lives in London?
Richard: My mother lives in London.
Lorelai: Your mother is God?
Richard: Lorelai...
Lorelai: So, God *is* a woman.
Richard: Lorelai.
Lorelai: *And* a relative. That's so cool. I'm gonna totally ask for favors.
Richard: Make her stop.
Rory: Oh, that I could.
[about new school]
Rory: One of the girls already hates me. The guys are weird.
Lorelai: Weirder than other guys?
Rory: Yeah, they kept calling me Mary.
Lorelai: You're kidding me. Wow, I can't believe they still say that.
Rory: Why? What does it mean?
Lorelai: It means like, Virgin Mary. It means they think you look like a goody-goody.
Rory: You're kidding.
Lorelai: No.
Rory: Well what would they have called me if they thought I looked like a slut?
Lorelai: Well, they might have added a Magdalene to it.
Rory: Wow. Biblical insults. This is an advanced school.
Lorelai: [to Rory] I have to know where you are at all times, especially when you have my shoes on.
Luke: Rory's not here yet.
Lorelai: Then you'll have to entertain me until she arrives. Okay Burger boy, dance.
Luke: Will you marry me?
[Lorelai is taken aback]
Luke: Just looking for something to shut you up.
Sookie: What's going on?
Lorelai: Michel's gonna live forever.
Sookie: Like the kids from 'Fame'?
Lorelai: That's what I said.
Lorelai: Hey, you didn't wake me up.
Rory: I set the clock.
Lorelai: Yes, but see, the clock stops ringing once I throw it against the wall giving me ample time to fall back to sleep. You, however, never stop yapping no matter how hard I throw you, thus insuring the wake up process.
Lorelai: I'm gonna have pancakes with a side of pancakes.
Rory: So you did read this before.
Jess: Yeah, about 40 times.
Rory: I thought you said you didn't read much.
Jess: What is much.
Lorelai: Schooch down now and go to sleep.
[she moves Rory's armchair]
Rory: What are you doing?
Lorelai: Nothing, just a little feng shui, go to sleep.
Rory: Mom, you don't have to sleep in here tonight.
Lorelai: I know, I just think the chair looks nice here.
Rory: And what's the blanket for?
Lorelai: In case the chair gets cold.
Rory: And the pillow?
Lorelai: To keep the blanket company.
Rory: Uh-huh.
Lorelai: Okay, everything's in its place. Chair seems warm, blanket seems happy, just one thing missing... oh yeah.
[sits down in chair]
Lorelai: Goodnight.
Rory: Freak of sideshow proportions.
Lorelai: I love you, too.
Rory: Mom?
Lorelai: Hmm?
Rory: I'm sorry.
Lorelai: Shh, the chair is trying to sleep.
Lorelai: That's the *last* time I buy anything just because it's furry.
Lorelai: I miss Max.
Rory: I know.
Lorelai: I had a dream about him the other night.
Rory: Really? Dirty?
Lorelai: No. Absolutely not. And when you're 21, I'll tell you the real answer.
Rory: So, Grandpa, how's the insurance biz?
Richard: Oh, people die, we pay. People crash, we pay. People lose a foot, we pay.
Lorelai: Well, at least you have your new slogan.
Christopher: This town is like one big outpatient mental institution.
Jackson: I think we should get married.
Sookie: But - uh, but...
Jackson: Soon.
Sookie: Are you pregnant?
Luke: Taylor, no, no, no, no, and every day from now on 'til the end of my life, I am gonna come in here and say, "Taylor, no." And when I die, I'm gonna have them freeze me next to Ted Williams, and when they find the cure to what I died of and they unfreeze me, my first words are gonna be, "How's Ted?" followed closely by, "Taylor, no."
Lorelai: Let's invite everyone.
Sookie: Everyone who?
Lorelai: Everyone, everyone.
Sookie: [gasps] Everyone, everyone who?
Jess: Someone Devil-egged my car?
Lorelai: What, did you break into our house, you got all dressed in black and pulled a Mission: Impossible?
Jess: Actually, I came down the chimney and pulled a Santa Claus.
Lorelai: Very funny.
Jess: Thought a ridiculous accusation deserved a ridiculous response.
Lorelai: You ruined my joke.
Rory: Um, no, the punch line ruined your joke.
Luke: Red meat kills, enjoy.
[Sookie is getting ready to go on her first date with Jackson]
Sookie: I'm scared.
Lorelai: I know.
Sookie: I like him.
Lorelai: He likes you.
Sookie: How do you know he's not being polite?
Lorelai: Sookie!
Sookie: No, I mean it. It's like I cornered him and he felt trapped and he had to say yes.
Lorelai: He did not have to say yes.
Sookie: Oh my God. Technically, I am his employer.
Lorelai: Sookie!
Sookie: I am. I buy his wares. His livelihood depends on me.
Lorelai: Sookie!
Sookie: Oh! I'm a sexual harasser!
Lorelai: Well, then you need some false eyelashes.
Sookie: This isn't funny. I am now desperate, lonely and a criminal.
Paris: I can't do this.
Rory: What?
Paris: Date. I can't date. I'm not genetically set up for it.
Rory: Not true.
Paris: I get no pleasure out of the prospect or the preparation. I'm covered in hives, I've showered four times, and for what? Some guy who doesn't even have the brains to buy a Zagat so we don't wind up in a restaurant that's really just a front for a cocaine laundering ring?
Lorelai: Oh, but I got here early and there was nothing to do except feed gummy bears to the bomb-sniffing dogs which, apparently, the United States government frowns upon.
Rory: You got in trouble with the government while you were waiting for me?
Lorelai: Just a little.
Rory: How much is a little?
Lorelai: Learn Russian.
Lorelai: Okay, I'm lying in bed and I'm sleeping and I'm wearing this fabulous nightgown, and like thirty alarm clocks go off, and so I get out of bed and I walk downstairs, and there, standing is the kitchen, is Luke.
Rory: Was he naked?
Lorelai: No. He was making breakfast.
Rory: Naked?
Lorelai: Ok, you have been in Washington for way too long.
Lorelai: Kirk asked me out.
Rory: Shut up!
Lorelai: Yesterday.
Rory: That's so sweet!
Lorelai: Rory!
Rory: What are you gonna wear? Ooh, you should wear your dress with the ponies on it, I bet likes ponies.
Lorelai: You're not serious.
Rory: I bet you'll have a good time.
Lorelai: "Hello headmaster Charleston, this is my stepdad, Kirk. Try not to make any sudden movements, he's a fear biter!"
Rory: OK, so how are you gonna let him down?
Rory: [to Logan as they enter his house for dinner] Remind me to tell you about the time my mom wore her rhinestone penis T-shirt to dinner and Grandma had her car towed.
Michel: And you must always be extremely careful of your paddle movements.
Lorelai: Well, that certainly calls for a "Dirty."
Michel: Mm, how's your arm raise? Good?
Lorelai: Pretty good.
Michel: Ah, I have an excellent arm raise.
Lorelai: That's what it says on the bathroom wall.
Lorelai: I think I have gangrene.
Rory: You do not.
Lorelai: And vertigo.
Rory: Oh boy.
Lorelai: And one leg suddenly feels shorter than the other.
Rory: This is gonna be the Vanity Fair paper cut incident all over again, isn't it?
Luke: Ow.
Lorelai: Luke, are you okay?
Luke: Stupid box. Stupid lamp.
Lorelai: Hey Luke, are you being attacked by your possessions again?
Rory: ...I want you to come over here to this dresser, open up the top drawer and take out everything that you'd be embarrassed to be wearing during a car accident. Meet me downstairs. Move.
Rory: I can't even open my eyes.
Lorelai: That's okay, there's nothing to see. Kirk's in a Speedo, Taylor's in a skirt, Al's in assless chaps.
Rory: Oh my God, stop. I'm never gonna be able to close my eyes again.
Luke: Very romantic.
Lorelai: Says the man who yelled "Finally." at the end of Love Story.
Mia: The town had a fake murder?
Lorelai: Yes, because the town is too dull to have a real murder.
Luke: The truth hurts
Lorelai: No, you know what hurts. Having a screwdriver jammed in the side of your head.
Rory: Not fair.
Lorelai: Yes fair. The fairest. The Snow White of fair.
Rory: Where's mom?
Luke: Looking for coffee.
Rory: What are you doing?
Luke: Looking at my shoes.
Rory: Okay... carry on.
Rory: [to Lorelai] What am I doing? I'm ranting. You should recognize this, I learned it from you.
Emily: Lorelai, you almost ran me over.
Lorelai: Well, good thing we're in a hospital.
Richard: How's he supposed to... after being out all night with some cheap tramp?
Alan: Knowing Henry, she wasn't cheap.
Lorelai: My life stinks. Hey, let's look into each other's eyes and say "I wish I were you" at exactly the same time - maybe we'll pull a Freaky Friday.
Rory: Or we can just pretend that we did and you can go around acting really immature. Oh, wait...
Lorelai: I can't believe you won't switch bodies with me.
Rory: Forget it. Then I'd have to date Kirk.
Reverend: The church is exempt from your town statutes, Taylor.
Rabbi: We answer to a higher authority... like the hot dog.
Reverend: I laugh every time you say that.
Rabbi: I know. Funny is funny.
Taylor: Well, I can guarantee that God does not want this either.
Reverend: Did you hear that, David? Taylor Doose is in direct communication with God.
Rabbi: Thirty years I'm working for God, I haven't received so much as a card. Reverend: Is it by phone that you speak with him, Taylor?
Rabbi: Do you have a God phone, Taylor?
Taylor: Rabbi, please.
Reverend: What's he like? For us common folk who've never met him?
Rabbi: Is he short, is he tall?
Reverend: Does he like to laugh?
Rabbi: Is the whole shellfish thing really serious? Because, I gotta tell you, some of these Red Lobster commercials...
Lorelai: Great, fine, do what you want. I guess I'm just out the thousand-dollar deposit.
Luke: What deposit?
Lorelai: For the room.
Luke: What room?
Lorelai: For the thing, for the afterwards thing...
Luke: Oh, wait, now, you're talking crazy talk trying to confuse me, aren't you?
Lorelai: Aren't you?
Luke: What?
Lorelai: Who?
Lorelai: Hey, maybe that's the Town Loner's point. That, like, he's protesting man's inability to communicate by not communicating and getting us all to talk about communication.
Rory: Whoa, you are blowin' my mind here.
Lorelai: Hey, what do you know about this town loner guy?
Luke: Same as everyone. Just kind of skulks around with that backpack, never smiles.
Lorelai: Does he also make cheeseburgers and secretly harbor a desire to wear a backwards baseball cap?
Luke: What?
Lorelai: [sings] They're cousins, identical cousins...
Luke: Stop it.
Luke: Shouldn't we give thanks first?
Jess: Thanks for what?
Luke: Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets.
Lorelai: Amen.
Rory: Oh, look, babies.
Lorelai: I never wanna hear that come out of your mouth again.
Luke: Thank you for not being related to me.
[Lorelai snickers]
Luke: That came out wrong.
Lorelai: No, I got it.
Sookie: No more pork!
Lorelai: Ah, finally, something to put on our business cards!
Michel: I don't know if anyone has noticed, but suddenly I am the only one working.
Sookie: You're right, no-one noticed.
Lorelai: You want to devil-egg Jess' car? And how is that gonna make me feel better about Sherry?
Rory: Because it's active. It's aggressive. It's destructive, but not too destructive. I don't know... can you make something up?
Lorelai: Let's do it.
Lorelai: Independence inn.
Emily: You really should identify yourself when you answer the phone at work.
Lorelai: Sorry. Independence Inn, major disappointment speaking. Better?
Luke: We're out of food.
Lorelai: Oh, please, we're not eating for a year.
Rory: Or 'til tomorrow morning.
Lorelai: Whichever comes first.
Lorelai: Tell me a joke.
Rory: Knock knock.
Lorelai: [giggles] That was a good one.
Luke: I gotta get back to stuffing my turkey.
Lorelai: Oh, honey, do you have time to do that and prep your Thanksgiving food?
Emily: What is that?
Lorelai: It's a paper clip.
Emily: And what do you intend to do with that paper clip?
Lorelai: I intend to carve something really dirty into the bathroom door.
Emily: Lorelai.
Lorelai: What rhymes with Nantucket?
Natalie: [to Lorelai] You have your mother's wit.
Emily: Sometimes I wish she'd give it back.
Lorelai: So, I think I'm in touch with the other side.
Rory: The other side of...
Lorelai: The *other* side!
Rory: With Republicans...?
Lorelai: I'm going to go make out in the coatroom. Don't eat my chicken.
Rory: That's going on your tombstone.
Sookie: I should not be a parent.
Lorelai: Sookie. Look at me. There are many people in this world who should not have been parents. Mr. and Mrs. Hitler for example. The Bin Ladens could have watched TV that night. Richard and Emily might have taken a pass at procreating. But... you. No way. You're going to be a great parent.
Paris: So do you like your adoptive parents?
Girl in the dorm: Yeah.
Paris: I think it's good to be adopted. If you get sick of them, you just dump this set and go find the originals.
Emily: You brought us used dessert?
Lorelai: It's not used. It's leftover.
Emily: How nice. I'll just put it in the kitchen next to my half-empty box of Cheer.
Emily: You have the word "Juicy" on your rear end.
Lorelai: Uh... Well. If I'd known you were coming over, I would have changed.
Emily: Into what? A brassiere with the word "Tasty" on it?
Rory: Who are the rosary beads for?
Lorelai: They're mine.
Rory: What do you need rosary beads for?
Lorelai: They're cute.
Rory: They're for prayer.
Lorelai: Well, pray they match my blue suit.
Rory: They've just upgraded you to a queen-size bed, jacuzzi tub, junior suite in hell.
Michel: People are being particularly stupid today. I can't talk to anymore of them.
Rory: [when Paris suddenly appears in front of Rory] God, you're like a pop-up book from hell!
[after Rory has been arrested for stealing a yacht; she's telling Luke about it]
Lorelai: Rory never even shoplifted. Not a candy bar, not a lipstick. She forgot to return a library book once. And she was so guilty about it that she grounded herself. I mean, can you imagine? She's just sitting there in her bedroom yelling at me, "Now no-one else got to read the Iliad this week because of me!"
Rory: I want my mommy and, dammit, I don't care who knows it!
Lorelai: Hey, Luke.
Luke: I'm in bed. I have ten more minutes to sleep. Not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things, but still, ten minutes is ten minutes. You know what I mean.
Lorelai: Sure, yeah.
Rory: Ten minutes is great.
Luke: And then the phone rings, and it just rings and rings and rings and rings, so I pick it up.
Lorelai: And then hopefully got your hearing checked.
Luke: Can I finish my story?
Lorelai: I'm just saying, that's a lot of rings.
Luke: And on the other end of the phone is someone named John who says he's Kyle's father, and Kyle threw a party last night without permission. And two guys got into a fight and tore the place apart, so John wants me to come down and take a look at the damage and discuss some sort of solution to the problem of the damages. Now, I don't know John, and I certainly don't know Kyle, but I do know someone who would get into a fight at a party and leave the place completely trashed. It's a wild guess, but I think his name rhymes with Tess. So here I am, heading in there to talk to John about Kyle and discuss what is to be done about the Hummel.
Lorelai: The what?
Luke: Exactly.
[Luke walks away]
Emily: What can we do in a bathroom?
Lorelai: Meet George Michael.
Lorelai: What's that?
Sookie: That is a vat of boiling oil.
Lorelai: Really? Where's Quasimodo?
Sookie: This is not a joking matter.
Rory: What is the oil for?
Lorelai: For pouring on visigoths.
Sookie: Lorelai.
Lorelai: When else am I gonna get to use my visigoth material?
Kirk: Luke, where's your lost and found?
Luke: Out back in the dumpster.
Lorelai: Don't study so much that you get brilliant, go mad, grow a big bald egghead and try to take over the world, okay, 'cause I wanna go shoe shopping this weekend.
Rory: Promise, I will not go mad until we get you some boots.
Lorelai: Rory is very low maintenance. Kind of like that robot kid in A.I., only way less mother-obsessed. Oh my God, that kid was so annoying. I would've pushed him out of the car while it was still moving.
Rory: You know, you always make me tell you what I'm thinking.
Lorelai: Yes, and the lesson we have learned from that is you should never become a spy.
Michel: A group of scientists did a study on rats where they cut their daily calories by thirty percent.
Sookie: And you felt left out?
Rory: When is dinner ready?
Lorelai: Do I look like a timer?
Rory: I thought you might have set one.
Lorelai: Silly rabbit.
Rory: Timers are for kids.
Rory: You're lying.
Lorelai: I'm being mysterious. That's what women do.
Rory: When's soon?
Lorelai: When the big hand hits the "S" and the little hand hits the "OON."
Lorelai: 'Mom, I'm getting married.' I'm an idiot. And you know, as my mouth was opening my mind was screaming, 'Don't do it, I mean it, you'll regret it.' But did my mouth listen?
Rory: No.
Lorelai: No. And it opened and the words came out, and Emily was Emily, and my mouth was stunned. And my mind said 'I told you so.' And then my mouth got mad because no mouth like's to have it's nose rubbed in it. And now my mind and my mouth aren't talking, and it'll be weeks before we can get the boys together again.
Rory: Your mouth has a nose?
Rory: Grandma, I can't believe you found the recipe for Beefaroni.
Emily: It wasn't easy. Antonia thought I'd gone insane.
Lorelai: Well ...
Emily: No one needs a comment from you.
[Emily has purchased a very small "panic room"]
Lorelai: Hey, let's test it out. I'm gonna get you.
[makes claws with her hands]
Emily: [annoyed] Oh, my God.
Lorelai: [attempting to be scary] You better get in there, 'cause I'm a bad guy. Baah!
Emily: Stop it.
Lorelai: I'm menacing. Panic, damn it. Come on.
[on Emily's panic room]
Emily: It'll stop a 9-millimeter shell.
Lorelai: Handy for when Suge Knight comes for tea.
[Emily found a sequined vest in Richard's closet and is very upset about it]
Rory: I have never seen Grandma so singularly obsessed about a piece of clothing.
Lorelai: Not since I wore my 'Gas, Grass, or Ass - No one rides for free' t-shirt to the junior league spring tea.
Lorelai: Luke, um, that's not a bed, that's a raft, which is fine if you're gonna build a moat around the diner but...
Luke: It's fine.
Lorelai: Luke, the kid needs a bed. If you want to get him something inflatable, make it a blonde.
Lorelai: Okay, don't concentrate too hard. Boys like 'em dumb, right Jackson?
Jackson: If you can navigate yourself around a tree, keep on walking.
Lorelai: I ate the fuzzy Certs.
Rory: Gross.
Lorelai: They tasted like keys.
Lorelai: You know, if I was in a rock band touring and stuff, I'd make the bus driver stop at every Haden's Nut House we pass.
Rory: Wow, your Behind the Music is gonna be really wild.
Lorelai: I think I know what an aneurysm feels like before you have it.
Sookie: Like a baseball the size of a cantaloupe in your head.
Lorelai: [giggle] Good one.
Sookie: What?
Lorelai: Baseball the size of a cantaloupe.
Sookie: Yeah.
Lorelai: 'Cause a baseball can only be one size, so it's a Yogi Berra type thing.
Sookie: Yogi Bear?
Luke: This is Stars Hollow. You take three left turns and you're back in the center of town.
Lorelai: Well, since you still haven't told me what exactly it is that you do, I'm gonna go with yoga instructor or chiropractor.
Christopher: No, it's actually pretty interesting. I'm working for this firm that helps those overblown tech companies scale back and stay afloat now that they're facing leaner times.
Lorelai: I'm sorry, uh, what's the interesting part?
Christopher: We dress like superheroes when we do it.
Rory: A cool B&B?
Lorelai: Yes.
Rory: That's like saying an understated Nicholas Cage movie.
Lorelai: Can I ask you stupid questions?
Luke: There's no such thing.
Lorelai: How does ink come out of pens?
Luke: All right, there is such a thing.
Christopher: I have to stay up and do a little work tonight.
Lorelai: [laughs] I'm sorry. I keep forgetting that's not a joke anymore.
Lorelai: Past graduates. Henry James-isn't that a beer?
Rory: And a novelist. Go on.
Lorelai: John Adams. That's a beer.
Rory: Our second president. He's very in right now.
Lorelai: W.E.B. Du Bois, Yo-Yo Ma. Oh cool. Fred Gwynn.
Rory: Who?
Lorelai: Herman Munster. Now I'm impressed.
Luke: Wait, you need keys.
Jess: No I don't.
[leaves]
Luke: I so don't wanna know why.
Lorelai: Hey, if that's a crack at my housekeeping skills... well then, okay.
Sookie: Oh, that makes me so mad. And so sad. I'm smad.
Lorelai: Ladies never get their own eggrolls. Ladies never get their own anything. They don't even get their own ideas.
Rory: Oh boy.
Lorelai: They just sit helplessly and wait for some young strong man to come by and assist them. They don't step in puddles, they don't step over puddles. They can't even look at puddles. They actually need to be blindfolded and thrown in a sack and carried over puddles.
Rory: Isn't there a moratorium on how long ladies are supposed to talk?
Lorelai: Uhh, no.
Lorelai: Hey, how many margaritas is too many margaritas?
Rory: Um, if you can't remember where the living room is.
Lorelai: Ha ha, I'm still good.
Lorelai: Why are we standing here?
Rory: Because the sign says 'wait to be seated'.
Lorelai: Yeah, but we're not automatons, we are rule breakers, and there are like fifty open tables.
Rory: You're exaggerating.
Lorelai: One, two, three, four, fifty - no I'm not.
Lorelai: Okay, I'm just gonna let everyone deal with all this because I need to relax and get a cup of coffee and maybe hammer a nail into my head.
Emily: You're not needed here, Lorelai. Go get your coffee, relax. You're going to redo your makeup later, aren't you?
Lorelai: Maybe an Irish coffee.
Luke: [to Lorelai] I will never, under any circumstances, no matter how short a dress you put on, go back to Al's Pancake World ever, ever again.
Lorelai: Aw, you didn't like your manicotti?
Luke: That was not manicotti, it was square and flat and blue.
Lorelai: Yeah. Manicotti's rarely blue.
Lorelai: Aren't baby shower balloons supposed to reflect the sex of the baby? Blue for boys, pink for girls.
Rory: You would think.
Lorelai: What's green for, aliens?
[While Rory is in NYC visiting Jess] Tourist: Excuse me, I'm so sorry to bother you. Which way is 44th?
Rory: Oh, um, that way.
Tourist: Great, thanks.
Rory: I got asked directions.
Jess: I saw.
Rory: He took me for a native. That's so cool.
Jess: That's very impressive. 44th's the other way.
Lane: Oh my God, you guys walk fast. I've been chasing you for the past two blocks.
Rory: Hey, we were being followed.
Lorelai: I told you I wasn't just being paranoid. Maybe next time you'll take me seriously when I tell you furniture moved itself.
Luke: Crazy people. Whole town should be medicated and put in a rec room with ping pong tables and hand puppets.
Lorelai: Do you know how to make coffee?
Christopher: Yes, I do.
Lorelai: My coffee?
Christopher: One bag of coffee per cup of water, right?
Lorelai: Perfect.
[while studying for exams]
Rory: Okay. You should get back to your studying.
Lorelai: Fine. Oh, great.
Rory: What?
Lorelai: I think I've already forgotten everything I read in the last two hours.
Rory: No, you haven't.
Lorelai: Yes, I have. In fact, I may have forgotten everything that I've ever known. Child, what be your name?
Rory: Study.
[on swans]
Michel: I will never go near those filthy birds.
Lorelai: Why?
Michel: I hate the swans.
Lorelai: These particular swans?
Michel: No, all swans. I was attacked by a band of swans in the Luxembourg Gardens when I was a boy. No one forgets that.
Lorelai: [laughing] Oh no - not being attacked by a band of swans. Was it an all-boy band? Kind of a scary, feathery *NSYNC kind of fiasco?
Michel: This is not funny.
Paris: Pack up the chastity belt, Gilmore. You're going to Harvard.
Luke: You tuck a bed in on both sides?
Lorelai: Yeah, and then I slip in, like it's a straightjacket.
Luke: Oh, you must feel at home there.
Rory: Solidarity sister.
Lorelai: Ya Ya.
Rory: You've been waiting all summer to say that haven't you?
Lorelai: Ya Ya.
Paris: I didn't get into Harvard. I had SEX, but I didn't get into Harvard. If you had asked me last year which I thought was more likely, it WOULD NOT have been not getting into Harvard.
Lorelai: [walking into Luke's diner] Give me a burger, onion rings, and a list of people who killed their parents and got away with it. I need some heroes.
Jason: And trust me: nothing bonds two businessmen together more than one of them finding the other hungover with a hooker in their bed the next morning.
Lorelai: My mother - she was here. I can feel it.
Rory: Grandma hasn't been here.
Lorelai: Smell that?
Rory: Smell what?
Lorelai: The room - it smells like guilt and Chanel No. 5
Lorelai: This is a misogynistic truck.
Luke: What?
Lorelai: It's anti-woman, it's gender-selective, it's "Oh, let's drink a beer and watch the game and hike our shorts up."
Luke: Okay, if I give you my lawyer's name, will you leave?
Russell: I will leave.
Luke: Okay, you ready?
Russell: Yes.
Luke: His name is Don Dewey. He works at the firm of Dewey...
Russell: Dewey.
Luke: Cheatham...
Russell: Cheatham.
Luke: And Howe.
Russell: Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe. That was very immature.
Lorelai: Well, I can't take it back to Yale.
Luke: I'm not storing your microbe mattress, forget it.
Lorelai: Well, then I'm stuck here.
Luke: Fine, because I need my truck back.
Lorelai: Fine, but that leaves you with the mattress.
Luke: I'm not taking the mattress.
Lorelai: Then let me take the truck.
Luke: But that means you take the mattress.
Lorelai: I can't take the mattress.
Luke: Then you can't have the truck.
Lorelai: But that sticks you with the mattress.
Luke: If you take the truck, it comes with the mattress.
Lorelai: I can't take the mattress.
Luke: Then you can't have the truck.
Lorelai: And that sticks you with the mattress.
Luke: We've been here before.
Lorelai: I recognize that tree.
Lorelai: [talking about Rory rejecting a guy who asked her out] So why's you say "no"?
Rory: I don't know. He... he carries a bottle of water around with him all the time, and that's just weird!
Lorelai: [sarcastic] Riiiiight. Hydration, very creepy.
Emily: I *just* found out that Sookie is pregnant.
Lorelai: Uh huh...
[Emily stares in disbelief]
Lorelai: Don't look at me, I had nothing to do with it.
[Kirk's planning the annual Stars Hollow Firelight Festival]
Kirk: After we light the bonfire, the dancers should come through.
Miss Patty: Okay, Kirk.
Kirk: They'll circle the gazebo. Jazz hands, jazz hands, jazz hands. Then out come the flaming batons.
Miss Patty: That sounds good, Kirk.
Kirk: Are you ignoring me?
Miss Patty: Since you were old enough to walk, Kirk.
Lorelai: All right, I should go. I called Luke last night and he made me promise to get the truck back by two hours ago, so if I leave now it's sooner than I planned.
[after Floyd tells the Gilmores that Jason is dating Lorelai]
Jason: I have a bottle of vodka back at my place. A big bottle of vodka. The world's biggest bottle.
Lorelai: What'll you drink?
Jason: Gin.
[Lorelai is buying collector's stamps while Luke is signing for his divorce]
Lorelai: Do you have any Lucille Balls left?
Kirk: Yes, I have some Balls.
[Luke stares at him]
Lorelai: Oh, hi. You really like my table don't you?
Joey: I was just, uh...
Lorelai: Getting to know my daughter.
Joey: Your...
Rory: Are you my new daddy?
Joey: Wow. You do not look old enough to have a daughter. No, I mean it. And you do not look like a daughter.
Lorelai: That's possibly very sweet of you, Joey. Thanks.
Joey: So... daughter. You know, I am traveling with a friend.
Lorelai: She's sixteen.
Joey: Bye.
Rory: And we get to wear uniforms. No more having people check you out to see what jeans you're wearing 'cause everyone's dressed alike in boring clothes and just there to learn.
Lane: Okay, there's academic-minded and then there's Amish.
Taylor: All right, the nays have it. Let the record reflect it. Lorelai, I hope that's not food in those bags. Food is not allowed at town meetings.
Lorelai: No, Taylor. It's not. It's, um, diapers for the little ones.
Taylor: What?
Lorelai: Dorsal fins and Cucamonga.
Taylor: What did she say?
Lorelai: [whispers to Max] I confuse him till he loses his train of thought and then he moves on. Hot dog?
Luke: Hey, Kirk, what's with the...?
Kirk: It's not a purse!
Luke: I wasn't going to say "purse". What's with the gay bag?
Lorelai: [upon entering the church] Would it kill God to dust?
Lorelai: Maybe they could stop by a bathing suit store along the way.
Rory: My suit is fine.
Lorelai: No, sure it is. It's nice to be able to go from the beach to the mosque without having to change.
Paris: [Rory and Paris are running inside to get out of the pouring rain] Out of the way! Move, move, move!
Girl in the dorm: Is it raining?
Paris: No, it's National Baptism Day. Tie your tubes, idiot!
[on Paris's relationship with Asher Fleming]
Paris: I'm not denying that we've got a May-December romance going on here.
Rory: This is not May-December, this is May - Ming Dynasty.
Paris: An age difference like this is very common. People dating people the same age are passe now.
Rory: My grandfather introduced you to him. Do you see how awkward this is for me?
Paris: Well, hot men tend to run in packs.
Rory: Do not ever say anything like that again.
Rory: [playing a video game] Where'd I go?
Lane: I don't know!
Rory: What'd I do?
Lane: I don't know!
Rory: [the video game makes an explosion noise] Did I lose?
Lane: Well, you have no head, so I would say yes.
Lorelai: So, where are you now?
Luke: I'm about 10 minutes from If-I-lived-here-I'd-blow-my-brains-out.
Lorelai: Ah yes, I hear it's lovely there.
Lorelai: I need you to look at Kirk's butt.
Sookie: Why?
Lorelai: Well, because he ran into some rose bushes and he's got some thorns stuck in it and I thought of you.
Sookie: Me? Why me?
Lorelai: Well, because... you're a chef.
Lorelai: Hey, I should bring steak sauce, right?
Rory: For what?
Lorelai: Pizza.
Rory: I just got back from Italy.
Lorelai: So?
Rory: So they'd shoot you in Italy for that.
Lorelai: Ah, but this is America, where we unapologetically bastardize other countries' cultures in a gross quest for moral and military supremacy.
Rory: I forgot. Bring on the imperialistic condiments.
[Luke is trying to subtly flirt with Lorelai at his diner]
Luke: Those jeans are really working for you.
Lorelai: Yeah?
Luke: They're working for me, too.
Lorelai: You're flirting with me.
Luke: Something like that.
Lorelai: Finally. Do it some more.
Luke: Your shoes work well with that... shirt.
Lorelai: Gee, Carson, thanks.
Paris: [on the phone with Rory] Asher's dead.
Rory: What?
Paris: He died two weeks ago in Oxford.
Rory: Oh, Paris, I'm sorry. How?
Paris: Heart attack. It was quick.
Rory: Heart attack?
Paris: Yes.
Rory: Um... it wasn't during, um... was it?
Paris: No, Rory. This great man was not brought down by my vagina, okay?
Luke: [bringing their plates to the table] Hot plates.
Lorelai: [to Rory] See? He called me 'Hot Plates.' He so likes me.
Luke: [embarrassed] Geez...
Rory: [She is being stared at in the diner] I feel like a used car.
[Max and Lorelai are talking on the phone, Max is in the Teacher's Lounge at Chilton]
Lorelai: Grunt like a gorilla.
Max: I will not grunt like a gorilla.
Lorelai: If you grunt like a gorilla I'll tell you what color underwear I'm wearing. [pause] Had you considering the grunt, didn't I?
Max: Yes.
Lorelai: Boy, I'm good.
[after Logan's prank in front of her class]
Rory: I have no words...
Logan: It was just a joke!
Rory: Oh, no, wait. I thought of some. Jerk! Ass, arrogant, inconsiderate, mindless, frat-boy, low-life, butt-face, miscreant!
Logan: 'Butt-faced miscreant'!
Rory: Why would you do something like that?
Logan: I'm sorry, 'butt-faced miscreant'?
[Lorelai is organizing a wedding at the Independence Inn for two bratty twin brides, and their mother is getting stressed]
Mrs. Shales: [to Lorelai] Do you have children?
Lorelai: I have a daughter.
Mrs. Shales: Do you hate her?
Lorelai: No.
Mrs. Shales: Not ever?
Lorelai: Well, I wasn't wildly fond of her during labor.
Mrs. Shales: That was the high point for me.
Rory: [into phone] And then he showed up with a black eye.
Lorelai: [into phone] A black guy?
Rory: [into phone] No, eye!
Michel: There's a man with a funny accent on the phone asking for you.
Lorelai: Really? Did you guys exchange the secret handshake?
Jackson: You better be as pathetic as you sound.
Kirk: You bet.
[Jess and Rory are walking to that bridge thing and Jess sits down]
Jess: I like this place.
Rory: Wow. A place in Stars Hollow you actually like.
Jess: And it has so many memories... see over there? [points] That's where Luke pushed me in.
Richard: Has anyone ever told you to picture the audience in their underwear?
Rory: Yes.
Richard: Don't do it. I tried it once and had nightmares for weeks. Bulgarians in Speedos.
Paris: Sick people freak me out.
Rory: You're pre-med!
Sookie: I got the idea in a dream. I was back in cooking school, and I was late for my final, so I run over to an oven and I open it up and sitting there is the s'mores wedding cake. And I present it to my teacher, and he starts weeping, and the whole class starts applauding and cheering. And then, of course, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise come leaping out of the cake screaming about how amazing it is, so that made the whole thing a little creepy, but up until then...
Lorelai: [on Michel] He's snarky.
Sookie: And sarcastic.
Lorelai: He's snarkastic.
Lorelai: So, how was your Spring Break getaway?
Rory: It was interesting, you know. We sat on the beach, went to a club, watched the Power of Myths, Paris and I kissed...
Lorelai: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, stop. You watched the Power of Myths? I hid that from you.
Lorelai: [while on the phone with each other, Lorelei and Rory are watching their Roombas together] Is this more or less fun than watching the same TV show at the same time?
Rory: I think more.
Lorelai: If we were to die right now and decompose, they would vacuum us up. No one would ever know.
Rory: Freaky.
Lorelai: Rory took a break from Yale.
Christopher: And the apocalypse is this week? Next week?
[Kirk is preparing for a date, and wants to get the best seat at Luke's]
Kirk: Say I was Tom Cruise. Where would you seat me?
Luke: In an acting class.
Lorelai: Stop saying "mother" like that.
Rory: Like what?
Lorelai: Like there should be another word after it.
Lorelai: Well, as Maid of Honor, if you're not there I'm gonna have to get drunk and make out with the best man, who is Rory, so you can see all the very creepy ramifications of your absence here.
Michel: Every day that you breathe you make my life harder.
Zach: Welcome to the SH, bitch.
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