During this time my family moved from my home of eight years to another state where I was entered me into a school that academically was roughly three years ahead of my former school. When I went from straight A�s and B�s to straight D�s and E�s as a result no one, neither my parents nor my teachers, bothered to try to find out why a former straight A student was suddenly doing so poorly. I was simply yelled at and condemned until my spirit was broken and I was convinced that I was a stupid failure. Simultaneous to these two events I contracted a bone disease that crippled me for the bulk of my childhood, confining me to either elaborate leg braces, crutches or a wheel chair robbing me of the sort of mundane actions, playing sports, running, riding a bike, that other kids take for granted. There was no refuge for me anywhere; my home was filled with violence, my school was filled with ridicule, and the outdoors filled with things that, as a cripple, I could not do. All of these things worked on me until the pain combined in my heart to make me a pretty screwed up adult. I grew up with a spirit so filled with fear, pain and anger that my entire life was a living hell. The physical abuse I suffered was so bad that even as a grown up, if another man came near me, I�d automatically start planning how to defend myself if they tried to strike me. And that wasn�t even the worst of it because the emotional and verbal abuse resulted in my growing up feeling as though I were an incompetent, inferior loser. I had no self confidence and believed myself to be incapable of accomplishing anything.

Years of studying the martial arts, primarily Tae Kwon Do, gave me a sense of physical self confidence, but it wasn�t enough. More years of counseling helped as well, but it wasn�t enough. I became involved in a truly wonderful support group for men who had also suffered severe abuse as children and knowing that these other fine men had gone through what I went through, or worse, and survived, was an especially helpful step�, but it still wasn�t enough. My life eventually became such a mess that every day I wanted to kill myself. During the early part of my life I had held on and refused to harm myself out of sheer stubbornness and by the time my strength had run out I had father a child, a daughter, who was counting on me to be there for her and who, in turn, loved me with all her heart. Whenever I would consider ending it I would think about how badly my leaving her that way would hurt her and I would continue to persevere, but oh how I wanted it all to end.

Then things got worse.

Things got so bad that I couldn't sleep at night. I had no family living close enough to turn to for emotional support other then a seven year old child and a seventy seven year old Uncle who was the finest Christian, as well as the finest man, I�d ever known and who had been the closest thing to a real father I�d ever had, but who, at his age, no longer had as much strength to lend as he'd once had. Then one night, at the peak of all my pain I decided to check into a motel for the night and just get away for awhile. And as I drove around I realized with increasing intensity that what I really wanted to do, desperately wanted to do, was go to a motel room, run a nice hot bath, get in and cut my wrists with my pocket knife. I felt my life had no where else to go, but there was still my daughter, shining in my thoughts, who needed me if for no other reason, failure that I felt I was, then that there is no one on Earth who loves her more then I do. I was horribly conflicted and as I tried to decide what to do, wanting to end it all so badly on one hand, but not being able to on the other, I decided that if I had reached the point where I didn't want my life anymore then I had nothing to lose by turning it over to God. So I prayed and I asked him to forgive me for my sins and be my savior; that he could make of my life whatever he wanted and all I asked for in return was some peace of spirit. Instead of a motel I went home that night and began praying and a daily habit of reading my Bible. I called the Pastor at the church I had been kind of, sort of attending and talked to him, got his prayers and support and began to attend a church run Bible Study he recommended. I began to listen to Christian music and radio programs and every night I would pray that if God's plan did not involve Him resolving my problems for me then all I would ask is that he give me the strength, wisdom and peace of spirit to get through them.

It still wasn't easy and I still did not sleep well at night. For weeks there would be times when I would be a peace; knowing God was there for me, but other times things seemed as bad as they ever had been. But I continued to pray, I continued to read my Bible and every Sunday I went to Church and when they invited people to come down to the altar to pray I went there, got on my knees and asked God for his help.

And things got worse.

Nothing new; just an intensity in all the old problems, until finally, late one night, while on the road going home after visiting with my daughter, I again found myself thinking about how nice it would be just to end it all. As I realized I was thinking these self destructive thoughts again I stopped my car and began to pray. At that point I had what was the most defining moment of my life; what I call my �A-ha!� moment. Have you ever been trying to solve a problem when you suddenly know the answer, without a doubt, and there is this flash in your mind; not words, but a flash that can only be described as "A-ha!". All of a sudden; not just in my mind, but in every fiber and every pore of my being I had that kind of flash and I *knew* that God *was* with me. And the first words out of my mouth were, "This is so stupid!!! I'm thinking of killing myself or wanting to die over this stuff!!??" And I knew then that no matter how bad or good it got God would always be by my side. I went home that night and slept peacefully for the first time in months, maybe even years. All the pain, all the fear and all the anger that had troubled my spirit my entire life was gone and had been replaced with a total sense of peace. It was similar internally to the external feeling you have when something in your body is hurting and aching and suddenly stops, such as when a sore tooth is pulled by the dentist, and just the very lack of pain is a pleasure in and of itself. I've continued to feel that sense of peace and to sleep well even when� you guessed it, things got worse.

In fact, for a short while things in my life got just about as bad as they could get, but I held on to my faith, I continued to pray, and I *knew* that no matter how bad it got God would be with me. Since then, though most of the problems I've been dealing with are still there, some have eased, some have stayed the same while others tend to wax and wan as the days go by, but none of that matters to me because no matter what problems I face I know I can survive them now. Every since my "A-ha!" moment I have had this wonderful sense of peace and I no longer worry about nor fear the future because I know that God will be with me no matter what comes my way and, with His help, I can deal with anything.

And you can also have that sense of peace if you just turn your life over to our Father Jesus. It may not be easy, sometimes God�s plan for us is such that while he will always make us a path, it may not be an easy one. You may have to persevere, to continue praying and believing even when the way seems hopeless. Just as God let me keep waiting, even while I was praying, until my "A-ha!" moment I think sometimes he wants us to hang in there until we have realized in our own hearts that we can count on him through good and bad. That's why, when I found myself falling into despair again, but continued to pray, that he finally touched me with his peace and love. Start praying, start reading your Bible, start going to Church and He *will* intercede in your life. Like I said, it may not be easy, but it will certainly be worth it.