Here is a story I wrote last year for school. Quite interesting, really. Have fun.
“Condiments of Death”
It was an early morning. Imagine birds singing their morning songs and searching for breakfast. Imagine a cool breeze sweeping across the Cardinal Newman / Ursuline quad. Now imagine it getting a fresh batch of exhaust fumes from various Sport Utility Vehicles and Minivans. Despite the turmoil outside, we travel within the lunchroom to watch a ray of light bask upon a singular entity. At this point, we join our friend, a loaf of bread. Who knows what magical things went on to bring this edible hero to life.
Turkey gets inserted into this special loaf of bread and becomes its heart. Followed shortly by lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise, our soon-to-be gallant hero becomes assembled. The snack awakes and opens his eyes, little to the knowledge of the lunchlady. However he cannot move without limbs.
Nearly suffocating from the plastic cover placed around him, the turkey sandwich gets picked up by a mighty, wart-filled hand towards a bright light. Then the poor entree saw him...
A huge lumbering sophomore with zits the size of New Jersey hulked towards the lunch line window, eager to get his first meal of the day, of which he happened to miss before embarking on his journey to school. The poor sandwich thought differently, though, of this boy’s journey... He believed it to have one sole purpose: to devour the sandwich alive. The sandwich could not think of anything for those tragic last seconds but of his impending “scarf it down” doom. He was not willing to give up so easily. Out of nowhere, the turkey sandwich lunged from the window counter towards the sophomore in an effort to temporarily blind the kid.
His efforts were successful, as the boy screeched in a non-pubescent way, “Ahhhhhh!!! Get it off me!!!”
To the amazement of every other student in the lunch line, the sandwich actually began to bitch-slap the sophomore until he let it go. His first mission successful, the sandwich hurdled over the boy’s head towards the covered table top area close by. He did not get far though. Having paid close attention to what had been going on just meters away, Dan Peterson was rewarded with his concentration by having the sandwich nearly leap right onto him.
With a swift grab, Dan had it in his clutches. Then, a bite. “Goth thyou,” Dan said with a mouth full of turkey. The sandwich screamed in pain so high pitched, only dogs from miles away could hear it. To Peterson, the yelp was hardly noticeable.
As his last ditch effort, the sandwich squeezed himself and squirted mustard into Dan’s face, causing him to lose grip of the sandwich, dropping him to the ground. This all happened so quickly, no one around Dan could believe their eyes. The sandwich scurried off like a squirrel, eventually finding a place of safety a good distance from the school. After searching through a garbage can, he found a soda cup he could use as body armor, a half eaten ice cream cone as a helmet, and a combination of plastic "Sporks" and knives as weapons. But once thing still eluded the sandwich; what to do about the 1/4 of your head gone? Considering most of his internal body composure was retained after the Peterson attack, the sandwich felt okay, but he was filled with anger. The last thing for him to do later that day was to name himself. He though of the many names which were shouted during his short visit to the lunch area, and he ultimately decided upon Qubert. “Yeeessss.... Hubert the Toxic Turkey Sandwich... Dan Peterson will fear this name for ages to come, I guarantee it!!”
Now fully loaded with armor, weapons, and a funky name, Hubert made his way back into the school. The janitors cleaning up the messes from lunch don’t even care to look at Hubert as he scoots past them. They know better.
Hubert darts between the classroom windows until he sees the face of his butcheror, Peterson. Dan is sitting at the back of what looks to be a kitchen classroom. Qubert figures this since he saw the same big flag in the room he was born in.
Wasting no time, Qubert jumps up to the door knob, turns it, and surges into the room with a mighty spork in hand. “DIE EVIL BEAST,” he yells in Dan’s general direction.
Dan is flustered for a moment, and can’t seem to withdraw from his chair. “Oh shit, I’m really in deep now.”
Qubert dodges the flailing hands of Dan until making his way to Dan’s chest. He repeatedly stabs Peterson until a mysterious red ooze appears on Qubert’s spork. “Sooo... you bleed ketchup after all!!”
Having accomplished his mission, and facing no opposition from Mr. LaFortune as he exits the classroom, Qubert feels highly dignified and jovial. “Never again will anyone try to stop me from RULING THE WORLD!! MWAHAHAHAHA...”
Big John Thompson rounds the corner to Qubert’s back, and eats him.
The End!
