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| Ever feel transparent? Ever feel like everyone around you is only waiting for their turn to speak? Ever wonder just what the hell your purpose is on this earth? I've been doing that a lot lately. Struggling to find any kind of meaning in my pedestrian life. To quote Kevin Bacon from Stir of Echoes- "I just never thought I'd be so...ordinary". If I only knew now what I knew then. |
| I had wanted so much more for myself than where I am. Being 26, still sleeping in the same room I did at age 12, still completely alone, stuck in a dead-end job that I absolutely despise. What did I want to be? How did I get so lost? How did my life get out of control? Why do I care? Why can't I just be happy where I am? Because where I am has no end in sight. Every door leads to another dead end. How many doors can you try before you just sit down and try to get some rest? No one will ever see me for what I am. Anyone who did, I promptly kicked to the curb. So my sentence is self-imposed. I'm condemned to relive every bad decision I've made, every unworthy person I've placed my trust in. So here's where I am- "No expectations, no disappointments". I've accepted the mediocrity that has become my everyday life. There's no more gas in the tank, I just can't stomach it anymore. So I'll live my life- alone, and make the 'best' of it. What else can I do? I can tell you what I won't do- I'll never believe another word someone says to me. I'll never give my heart away again. I'll never believe that happiness could be mine. And I'll never ever burden anyone with my problems, because they are just that- MY problems. I'll deal with them the best way I know how- run like hell. I just don't have any energy left. Will I ever find hope again? Doubt it. Had it- definitely had it once- but that was long ago and it faded. Anyways, enough of this shit before I get accused of self-pity. Take care all, The Rain King |