| "Timing is everything. You could be a man armed with nothing but a fork in a land of soup, and then you meet one, or you see one..." -Things To Do In Denver When You're Dead The above quote is what has been on mind lately. Why is it so rare that people can appreciate what they have when they have it? Why do we convince ourselves at times that we're not ready for something that is so pure, so true, that we push it away telling ourselves "I'm better off"? The answer is nowhere to be found. You won't find it in a book or in some self-help infomercial. The answer exists only in each person's soul. Will you be ready when the next great thing enters your life? Is it already there? I know from experience. Here I am, a young old man, wondering where did it all go wrong? And part of it is the fact that I was spoiled. Spoiled at the ripe old age of 22. I had a wonderful woman in my life that fit perfectly, all that a man could ask for. But it wasn't enough for some reason. I was young, stupid, immature, inexperienced, yet at the same time was stubborn to the point of ridiculousness. I was so sure that my life was supposed to go a certain way, and anything/ anyone who would be there at the end would be the one I was supposed to be with. I was so sure of myself at a time when I really needed to look around and count all the wonderful things in my life. At the time I decided to make this life altering change, I was reeling. I had just found out I wasn't going to be able to student teach my last semester because my GPA wasn't up to snuff (something my advisor failed to warn me about until 10 days before graduation). I had planned since the 10th grade to teach High School Social Studies, and now those plans were in the toilet. My life was spinning out of control and at some point I decided that changes needed to be made. To this day, I still don't understand my decision-making process at the time. I've tried to move on, even had some semi-successful relationships, but all of them have had a tough act to follow. And no one quite ever lived up to those standards. And while I know it's wrong to compare, I also understand it's inevitable. So now, after the tumultuous summer I've had, I'm at the point where I've stopped trying. Strangely enough it's a relief. I've told people this and they don't believe me, but I'm really OK with the fact that I may never be truly happy. And I mean that in the sense that I probably will never find another one like her, but I'd rather be alone then disappointed. And in that realization is a sense of ease. I used to have my life all planned out, and if that plan worked out, I'd have been married by now and teaching in Charlotte, NC. Now I'm working in retail management and hoping to go to grad school for Communications in the armpit of the earth, Rochester, NY. Life is what happens when you're busy making plans. You can't plan where your life is going to take you. You can prepare, but you can never be sure. So to kill the beautiful things in your life before their time is really tragic. It's pointless to rid yourself of these things needlessly. But getting back to my point, life is about timing. It's about having the presence of mind to appreciate all that's good in your life and keeping those things close as long as possible. If you choose to pass, which is completely your choice, you run the risk of never finding it again. The real question is this: is the risk worth taking? Even if it means never finding it again? To me, it's not even a contest. I wish I had never thought it was an option. But I did and take full responsibility for creating the empty side of my soul. I had two chances to fully understand what I had, and failed. What more can I honestly ask for? Not much. I told you that story to show you the error of my ways. I'm open to the possibility of finding that kind of happiness with someone else. I'd love for it to happen tomorrow. I've just been disappointed in the past, and beginning to think it isn't possible. Let me know what you think. Is life really about timing? Do we have a limited opportunity to find the road to happiness? Thanks. The Rain King 11/03/01 |