| In the movie "Hearts In Atlantis", there's a line where the main character narrates: "When it wants to, the past can come kicking the door down. And you're not sure where it's going to take you. You can only hope it's somewhere you want to go." Well, that's a bit of an understatement, especially where my past seems to encircle me like some kind of kid's game, waits until my back is turned, knocks me square in the back of my head and laughs. It's been an uphill battle trying to regroup and move on with my personal life since I realized that the one romantic belief I built every aspect of my persona on- the idea that I was meant to be with a certain someone and should never have let her go- was dashed to bits. And just when I think I'm making progress, I'll see her. Whether it's at my place of employment or out at a bar or some other place, all the emotions and confusion and pain come rushing right back and it knocks me on my ass. I know it's my fault. I'll be the first to agree I'm an ass. I totally give her the ability to do that, but I haven't figured out how to stop. And I want to. I really want to. I want to be so mad at her. But I can't. And that makes me mad at myself. And that's just a lot of anger to be carrying around. Thank god I had alcohol to numb the shit around me, because if I had been a DD or somewhere else where I had to be sober, it would have been a really hard night. I carry my past like a weight tied to my ankle. And I've tried every tool to get myself away from it. I know the past can never be the present or the future again. And I honestly can accept that. It's the pain that attaches itself to my skin, permeates it, and makes a home. And it affects every aspect of my life. My only hope for sanity is to leave town. Because travelling in the same old circles is, well, just that: running around in circles. And I want the ride stop. Now. |
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