| Lately I've been accused of self-pity and therefore have been forced to think about it. I think that difference between my mood and self-pity is that when you endulge in self-pity you believe there are other forces responsible for your misery. I am just the opposite and take responsiblity for too much, even things I can't control. When you use self-pity as an excuse, your almost paranoid. You believe that outside forces, like bad karma, bad luck, or the bad intentions of others that make you miserable. My problem is that I know I'm my own worst enemy. I'm the reason I can't be happy. I forgot how to just be comfortable and enjoy things. I'm always analyzing every pixel of every emotion and that's no way to live. I'm working on it. I really am. But I'm far from the finished product. I'm still making messes everywhere I ramble, and at age 27 that's a lot of angry people. I never claimed to be perfect. Or have all the answers. I only claimed to be honest and that bites me in the ass because that means expressing every time my mind and heart waver from one extreme to the next. I just make a mess, there's no better term for it. So maybe I should just be alone? It would be better for everyone in the long run. But what kind of existence is that? Let me know what you think. The Rain King 3/15/03 |